american

"I had a dream so big and loud
I jumped so high I touched the clouds
 

I stretched my hands out to the sky
We danced with monsters through the night

...

Please don't wake me now."

-authors

pavement

i feel like
im giving me up
one by one

days
that could have been
the me
i always
wanted

instead i am
a me

defeated


...all i have left

...is everything.

impact

reverberating

change

rising

engulfing

what as once

constant

familiar

and sure

crashing 

through
a film
of stillness

solid
form
plunging

a reverberating tear
in the security
of surface
level
thought
and action

its not safe here

i cant breathe here

i had felt so
alive

a split second
victory
a midair
proclamation
of fears
conquered

so quickly
too quickly
swallowed
by depth
too
much
for lungs
to
bear

i cant breathe here

no

not "here"

and it makes
perfect
sense
that the me
ive found
here

...doesn't

im holding
my
breath

for 

"my way"

even the bubbles
have passed
abandoned
my self-serving
endeavor

they burst

foggy clouds

of dreams

i once

had

of the person

that i meant

and wanted

to be

bitterly
reminiscing

of a life i had only
actually
imagined
 
days
when life
was  "blissed"

with hours
hours
sculpting away
a perfectly
constructed
iceberg

chipping away
at any hopes
i could have

to ever

be home

merely
by presenting
an entity
that doesnt
need
to be

in fact

it doesnt

need anything

at all

...i cant breathe here


but i wonder
that maybe
i should reach
my arms up
and swim

water gliding
past my wrinkled
fingertips

bubbles
returning
with greetings,
feigned rapport,
cheering me on
and saying hello

and maybe
with Your help
i can crash
once again

this time
through
the glass
surface
of things
kept beneath

and inhale

for the very

first

time

in a very

long

time

a smooth
glass
cobalt,
true colors
into
a sticky
film
of grey

an aftertaste
of mold
like a liquid
layer
of dust
ingrained
into the roof
of your mouth

how long have we been stagnant?

a song i used

to sing

 

i've forgotten all the words.

"i left my heart on the top of a window sill

it fell apart when the winds pulled it down
on the ground where the sun drove the colors deep
in the summer heat, the colors seem to drown"

i love words <3 p="">

gusts of winds,

warm sun

and smoothies

homemade smoothies

with oats and blueberries

and vanana, and strawberries

things that make even stressful doctor visits

seem suddenly like small road bumps

insignificant, acceptable, 

an "eh it happens"

kind of tale

rather than mood defining ones

i am not unfortunate--not yet

i dont think i have been in a while

and that makes me really happy

i've been, over and over,

blessed, blessed, and overly

ridiculously

blessed

i am blessed to have friends to love

and that love me--who adventure

as well as mishap with me

i am blessed to have coworkers

i can sit in an office with

three of us a mess

crying over one of us leaving

an awkward, and heartwarming acknowledgement

that we fearlessly allowed 

to let someone touch our souls

share our space

where only our own hearts

beat before

i know this may just seem like

a jumble of words and memories to anyone else

but i wanted somewhere to write

about the iced vanilla chai i had the other week

the french toast life tricked me into making this morning

the yummy lunch i enjoyed with the just-right temperature tea

the dinner i have planned on wednesday

the friends ive caught up with since then

the nice, quiet way 

warm sunlight

fills a room

and makes it summer

this morning i also got to enjoy my tea

with sarah kay's company

and stories of her childhood

and the words that keep it alive < 3 

i dont think ill ever actually reach a point

with this particular post

just wanted to vent

my appreciations

for a family that loves me

friends who are like family

family like friends

and a consistent peace

over all the unknowns and unpredictables

for music that makes life

that much more livable

and days that can finally

allowed just to be

summer

and not just another

hurdle of to do lists

and failures

maybe 

i can be okay

exactly as i am

and maybe

as i am

i am already

consistently

currently

moving forward

even if it isnt

at the grueling

self-punishing pace

i think it should be

i think to sit here

and enjoy

and verbalize

my joy

in the life

ive been given

is a means

of moving

forward

too

soul is singing

relieved < 3 ,

hannah 

"But you pulled up the colors with a simple tune
You breathed a song and you dusted off the sand
You put the pieces on your sleeve, you gave my heart to me
It looked so pretty that I fell upon my knees
And from the ground I saw your face
You spoke of love and you sang of grace
But come the night when the light is gone
Its in the dark that my deeds are done
What I've done in darkness, I must turn away
This mended heart was meant for so much more
Though the wind is telling me that it's ok
I'll stand my ground till I hear the kingdom come
So I will fight to keep the fire burning in the night
For I found words to keep me still
And though I'm prone to go and make the same mistakes
I hear your voice calling out my name
I'll fight to keep the fire burning in the night "

my name in this crowd

please shout outloud

but i've forgotten
all the words

each moment is prepped
by asking the question
what would i say
who would i be
what words would i use
if i were
confident
right now

an effort
to be
convincing

to the me
who is
unconvinced
myself

my name
who am i
who i want
to be
buries
and absorbs
into who
i already
am

purposely,
i recite
lies
about
my unworth
invalid
unknown

maybe because
sometimes
confidence
itself

the responsibility
that comes
with confidence

has become
more nervewracking
than the unfortunately
bearable,
familiar,
safe,
sickeningly
confortable
shelter
of
insecurity

lack of
responsibility

freedom
to engage
in wrong
purposely
while pretending
almost
convincingly
that i know not
what
i do

i am my own
biggest
liar

i am my own
biggest
fool

i am my own
biggest
believer

but for too long
i have believed
in all
the wrong
things

i have believed
all of my
lies

of the things
i need to be
and should
become

of the things
ill never be
and can only
ingenuinely
pretend to be

...i dont think
i can pretend
sincerity

i can

but i dont think
this
heart
breaking
sincerity

self doubt
insecurity
internal
struggle
of disbelieving
in myself
and wanting to believe
in something greater
had i not been
so caught up
in building
my own
greatness

would a lack of sincerity

be so
difficult

against my nature

but what is that
who is that
what is my nature

i am endlessly
changing
growing
creating
a new
me

these brittle
clay
hands
fall
apart
crumbling
against
my own
clenched
fists

my parched soul
cracking

parched lips
dusty
fingertips

i want to hear
outloud
my name
in this
crowd

not the name
ive selfishly
greedily
foolishly
tried to make
and build up
for only
me

but the name

You've created

and loved

and died

for me

to be

"hannah"

i am broken
i am whole
i am
Yours

 

if its not one thing, it's another

i am braver
than i pretend not to be

but also more scared
than id allow to show

one of my goals this summer,
might just be to blossom
as random and odd as that may sound
but not girly--cuz guys do it to

i would like
to nurture
my roots

feel healthy
soil
moist
and cool
the earth
between
my toes

feet

firmly planted

but taking even steps
forward
at the same
time

stumbling,
if i may
but not penalizing
the steps
ive been blessed
to take

whether they were
missteps, stumbles,
skipping,
hesitant,
or
afraid

i want to stop penalizing
the steps that i will take

envelop
myself
in His music

and send me
home

i want to
catch
the stars
that are not falling
but dancing

visiting
twirling

familiar
and real

i want to fall
into
green
pastures

of the life
i have allowed
to grow

He will catch me
and i know

even if the air
gets knocked
out of my lungs

i am still

breathing

i am

alive

He makes things beautiful

not me
or all of my doings
not even me
in all of my effots
or me
in all of my little wins
and massive fails

could take away
from the things
He has made
beautiful

He makes things beautiful

this life is

tragic

this life is

beautiful

both are true

i want to learn
to coexist
with both
truths

and be
a truth
allowed
to live

expressed
not punished
sung
not suffocated

grounded,
unafraid,
not stifled

i want to have
nothing
to prove

i want to stop
trying to prove it

He makes things beautiful

and i want to
believe that

and know
somehow
that i was
made
by Him
too

i am a sinner

caught up in words

tangled in lies

He will call me child

though i tell him lies

all i've known

is how to run

all i've known

is how to cry

but

this is not

all that

i am

You take me aside

You embrace me

You create me

consistently

constantly

creating 

me

this me

this life

not just summer,

but eternity

not just chapters

but endless

novels

stories

people

places

and things

You create me

amidst brokennes 

hope that is

beautiful.

my mother wore rosy glasses

...and she passed them down to me

growing up

we went to church
and prayed to Jesus
till we passed out

my dad was never a poet
and rarely had a sad face
but in his heart

i was the clown
who made my
brother smile

he's a devil dog
running strong
never tired
...until these days
recently

but more than tired
he's...
scared

i am my brother's brother
my sister did her best
to be his mother

taking turns
to lose that sense
of wonder

moving forward,
returning.
moving forward,
returning

misunderstanding
never
fully
understanding

that we live
under the same sun

growing old
we think we have to
stand
alone

will we love no one but ourselves?


will all our efforts
deserve that hell

well, well
said our sun
to the moon
by our stars

how far can they run
as they all
fall apart?

i dont know
i said
im just
your reflection

id rather be
id rather not be
but its so much
easier to be

i wish i could be

Your reflection

and not theirs

i will hope
i will dream

will You light up this night?

will my reflection
be that light?

can my reflection--
can this reflection

fighting with the tides
so many things
waving me
goodnight

will i hope
will i dream

when You light up my night?


i want to wake
to Your sunlight

stop checking if the time's right
checking when the time's right
checking if time
has yet
set me
right

 these precious holes
that fill this road
can they be filled?

these holey ghosts
and broken
handwritten
notes

im shouting out
my name
in this crowd

...id rather
be the one
shouting
Yours
instead

a name
worth shouting

will You hear,
somehow?

will anyone
turn around?

i just want to shout outloud
my ears are ringing
from shouting
silently
from the inside

i just want to shout
outloud

i see my soul, my God, my soul's in Your eyes

eyes in my soul

yes will You see my soul
will you see my soul

and if they heard
would they turn around
will they hope?
wil lthey dream?

can this fragile hope
light up the night
fight impossible tides
that bury me good with their nights

im fighting
im fighting

i want to be
fighting

so goodnight moon,
morning sun,
evening stars,
little ones

i want to learn
to hope

sleep
to dream

find Love
in everything

'cause my mom, my dad, my brothers too

i love for them

please let my song

be for 

You

i want to sing

for You