dear raymond's face,

"your FACE, write me a blog letter, dangit!"

...and so i will write your face one back < 3 .

hmm..so that
was definitely
a tantrum.

there's no way around it.
i said immature phrases and hmph'd
and metaphorically held my breath
till...who knows what
but for some reason
you didn't
get angry
...at all

if anything,
you were the one to keep me
from getting angry
at myself

when i realized what a bratty, selfish thing i'd done

i was appalled. ashamed. afraid.
you'd seen it, all of it
you were there.

i was ready to run away
you had every reason to too
but instead..

you gave me grace < 3

..you teach me grace
and help me to grow in it
not even in order to pursue you, or this relationship..
but in order to pursue God
and get a better understanding
of who He is in my life
and how He is the one
to truly give it

there's not much things i can think of
more important than that
more worth pursuing in a relationship
than the things He blesses me with now
through this one.

thank you

but more so..
above everything else
thank You.

loves surprises,
hannah

run away.

...i feel like my mind and heart in their entirety

are screaming those two words right now.

repeating them,
chanting, urging, pleading

"please..while you can.."

"runaway."

it's just the way
it's just the way
the way you are
you are

it's just the way
it's just the way
the way you are
You are

every dream in my head
every word that i've read
every thing that i've thought
thought but i should have said

all the things that i've done
all the races i've run
come together in one

but i don't know what's to come

...please make every part of me

Stand up and fight

to save the whole world

You turn what's dark into light

Please make every part of me
that wants do more

...know i don't have to

save the whole world

to be the one You adore.

inked pen words

it took me this long to finally read the encouragement card passed around on the last freshman bstudy for the seniors who are leading...

i don't know why it took so long
..but maybe i do

it's not that it wasn't important
or that i wasn't interested in what people had to say

but more like..in the end
which was what those days were
some sort of, college end-times

no matter what meaningful words they said
in the end it all lead to and meant the same thing..
whether it was for that year only,
or for the summer

my college career was parting with me
with assorted colors of inked pen words in a snoopy card

in the end i felt like it all just meant one thing

"goodbye."

receiving grace.

...i've still yet to fully understand it.

that's a good and humbling reminder,
and truth.

what does it look like?
how do we do it?
now that we know that,
maybe we cant--at least not fully
then now what?

i guess we just..
do what we can
with what we can

but consider the truth:

that with Jesus Christ's sacrifice...
there isn't really much more
we could possibly need
or ask for.

..what do we do from here?

"Love one another.

11This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. 12Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother's were righteous. 13Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you. 14We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. 15Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him.

16This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 17If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? 18Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. 19This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence 20whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

21Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God 22and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. 23And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. 24Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us."

1 John 3

frozen butter.

"describe your week in 3 words."

i've been
[out.]

hitchhiking
dish-washing
puddle-jumping
world-hopping.

"I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that

Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't
react

You must have fallen from the sky
You must have shattered on the runway
You brought so many to the light and now you're by yourself

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black

There comes a point in every fight
Where giving up seems the only way
When everyone has said goodbye
And now your own.

You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out.

If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me

The little cracks they escalated

When you know I really tried

And before we knew it was too late

To be a better one to satisfy you,
for you're everything to me

For making circles and telling lies

for you're everything to me

And I'll do what you ask me
If you let me be free

You're moving too fast for me

And I'll do what you ask me
If you let me be free

And I can't keep up with you
Maybe if you slowed down for me..

You have broken me all the way down
Down upon my knees
And you have broken me all the way now
You'll be the last you'll see

I think it's time, we give it up
And figure out what's stopping us
From breathing easy, and talking straight
The way is clear if you're ready now
The volunteer is slowing down

And taking time to save himself

And some fight you gave
When I pushed you away
From me

Take this sinking boat and point it home

And in the morning
When you turn in
I'll be far to sea

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

And in the morning
When you turn in
I'll be out of reach

and you'll be just a man
once I used to know.

[but]

If you want something
And you call, call.

Then I'll come running
To fight

And I'll be at your door

When there's nothing worth running for."

wings.

silence.

from the questions we couldn't answer
from the answers, we didn't wanna hear

"why does God love us?
...He has no reason to.
i don't..
understand."

more silence.

"..If I was your child, and I asked you.
If I was your child, and I asked you right now--
Dad? Dad, why do you love me?"

"...Because you're a part of me."

this was hard.
neither of us had ever been parents before.
how are we supposed to know?

"...Because you're a part of me."

more silence.

without words
we watched a bird on the rooftop across from us
hop a couple steps across the railing
before finally jumping off the edge

it's beak must have come
so close to the ground

but not once did it panic

we watched the bird
glide up
at the last minute

and mosey along its way
hopping a couple more steps
of a stroll across the pavement
before taking off again

"...wings!"

"what?"

wings.

think of wings.

i think..
if we're God's children..
and if you say, God loves us
because there's a part of Him in us

..i think if we were birds.
God would be

our wings.

think of it..
birds don't understand
how wings work
they don't know anything about..
aerodynamics, necessarily
they cant pull down miniature charts
and explain in diagrams
(while pushing up miniature glasses
and straightening bird-size lab coats)
how their wings work

they just..
have them
and
fly with them.

without understanding how they work
birds will
jump

from any height
no matter how high
and no matter how close to the ground
they fall

no matter how close to hitting the ground
they plummet

they never..
panic.

they're not afraid.

with a heart-learned movement
they spread their wings
and glide
right back up

they fly.

they're not afraid
to jump
they're not afraid
to fall
to plummet
to glide
and soar

"i think the worst thing that Satan can do to us
is to try to convince us that we're without those wings."

...cuz then we'd be a chicken
both literally,
and figuratively =]

we'd spend our entire lives
on the ground

...we'd be cowards.

we'd never leap
we'd never soar

we'd always be too afraid to fall,
that we'd never get to do
what we were created to do best
...fly.

i want to write this as an encouragement
to next year, the year after, and the year after that
maybe even the year after that
when the traces of anything familiar of davis epic
have already begun to fade
from the epic that i know now

i want to write this as an encouragement

may you never be too afraid
to fly with the wings
that God gave you.

especially now
as the heights you climb
get higher and higher

especially now
as the ground seems to approach
faster and closer

especially now
when our limited capacity
keeps us from understanding
how it is exactly
that these wings will even work
to begin with

especially now

when nothing but air
and the fear of falling
stands in between you
and what God made you to be

i dare you to believe.

even in the times,
when you don't know if you can believe in yourself

"believe in Him who believes in you."

believe in the wings
God gave you.

please believe
in Him.

i wanna know

let me in

to the world,
i've been waiting to see

let me out

of the box
im in
of where im
supposed to be

i want to know you
i want to know
you

Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you
in my arms tonight

until the fear can sleep at night

i want us to know...
You.