asian dramas

its sad that i woke up this morning

thinking and acknowledging to myself

that i would spend the extra time awake this morning

not getting more stuff done

or getting an early start on my day

not reading or going on a run

not packing up more stuff

or getting ready for tomorrow

or my drive to sac

but running away

saying goodbye to priya was too..

...everything really.

i know she'll be back

but everything that was solid and stable

constant and real before

are fading into things

that will be intangible memories

in almost no time

no matter how late i sleep

the day still ends

no matter how early i wake up

the day is still too short

im scared of moving out

im scared of driving

im scared of school

im scared of all the new things

i dont feel ready

...to be

materialism

some things were worth getting

because you know you've left the world

a better, smarter, wiser

..more interesting place

because of it.

*as evidenced by the perfectly practical,

objectively essential domo dice

that i got my brother last christmas

/end wise existential musings of an obviously

intellectual individual at 3 in the morning

every dream in my head

every word that i've read

everything that i've thought

thought but i should have said

all the things that i've done

all the races i've run

comes together in one

but i don't know what's to come

please make every part of me

stand up and fight

to save the whole world,

please turn the dark into light

please make every part of me

believe that You can do more

to save the whole world

and the ones i adore

it's just the way

just the way

that You are

it's just the way

it's just the way

the way that we are

we are

the more time that passes by

it all becomes much clearer why You are

(...and have called the rest of us to be)

different from everyone

what faith can do

it's not about what i can do, anymore

cuz in all honesty,

that was never too much

to begin with

but with faith, i'd like to think

that those even those little things

i've been created to do

can finally be enough

it's about what He can do

...and He can do anything.

i'm beginning to think

[to hope, to feel, to wish, to believe]

it might be safe

to step forward.

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world,

but to save the world through Him. -John 3:17

i want to be a dreamer

...a believer

i've lost my faith

in so many things

but i want to believe

in You

please, Lord

make me new.

i want to mean these words,

they're the words i need to hear the most

Your words are what i need to hear the most

i don't have every answer

to be honest, i don't have any.

if this is how a weary heart stays alive,

Lord, all i have is You.

The Redeemer
Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where heaven and earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)

'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

when the world says you can't

...it'll tell you that you can.

"my dear hannah,

don't forget

to smile genuinely

always

...and if you must cry

do so with all of your heart."

i was just walking out of the rehab center at the end of my shift. this thought came to mind as i took a second glance back at the room of clients sitting in the dining room during their group. i smiled, waving goodbye at them as their image blurred behind the lined glass of the closing door. and i knew that i meant it. and i hoped--sincerely, that they knew that i did. and part of me came to grip once again, at what a taken for granted privilege it was that i have..to have the opportunity to do so.

they smiled back, waving goodbye.

its like waving to a friend--or smiling in recognition when someone you know enters the room and you make eye contact. it's like the immeasurably valuable privilege and honor, of being the one to have interpreted the truth "you are known" to another person. the acknowledgement that your presence is real, and that it matters.

and part of me kind of just figures--knows almost for a fact--that people like them who have grown up in the surroundings of needing to read others as best as they can to survive...are just the kind of people who would know or sense, if my smiles were in any way insincere at all. my solution is this: i resolve to mean it..every smile i give. i resolve to mean it--to smile sincerely..always. and remember that there is something about each of them, that will always deserve smiling towards. according to grace.

as for crying--i do it often and not often at all. i'm a pansy at heart--though most times, it's that heart that i try to cover up the most. like if something hurts--ill remind myself that it shouldn't. i should be 'stronger' or 'smarter' than that. if something is heartbreaking, ill keep it as far away as possible. and the rest of me will be as dettached as possible.

and in turn im the one

suffocating myself

and getting so caught up in what i should or shouldnt feel

that a lot of times i dont know

what it is that i really feel

at all

i want to cry

with all of my heart.

i didn't realize that this phrase and the one before it would end up being the answer to the depressing events that followed. when i felt myself losing hope at an overwhelmingly broken world, and a heart-wrenchingly broken people--who would have thought that God's response to me would simply be to ask me to smile, and to mean it when i do. and cry--in a way that takes to heart the truth that it is safe to.

i dont think we're asked to 'turn the other cheek,' because pain is any more bearable or any less sharp as a Christian. i think we're asked to look our fears in the eye, and stand up to them..and let them know we have no reason to be afraid. not even of pain, or hurt--those things are inevitable. its a healthy fear, sure. but it shouldn't be the fear that keeps us from loving. and it should most definitely not be the fear that keeps us from hoping.

it's really scary--

it's really depressing

when i think about what these people are going through

the ones who i've gotten to know

the ones who i've laughed with

smiled at

and can pick out from a crowd

and know by name

and then i realized that these fears

this brokenness--reached beyond just the walls of the rehab center

families and friends,

my own family

my own friends

people are just really good at hurting each other.

it's sad but it's true.

..which makes it even more important for me to remember

that the following words--are real and they're

just as true too

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,

that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.-John 3:16

Life is so much more

Than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way

If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds

You don't have a chance

(That’s what faith can do)

When the world says you can’t

It’ll tell you that you can!

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world,

but to save the world through Him.

-John 3:17