"because when you're wildly in love with someone..."

"...it changes everything."

"'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and,
Even if you don't want to speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me.
'Cause I want nothing more
than to sit outside Heaven's door
and listen to you breathing,
Is where I want to be."

God's grace...

• blossoming relationship with my little brother, in trust and in companionship.
• relations between me and my sister, which has also gone a long way. her trust in me and who i am. her patience, and her growth.
• that i can be stronger than i thought i could be, than my parents ever thought i could be, than seemed or than would be possible with my own strength. and, as implied, i dont have to do it on my own or try to anymore.
  
• my parents being one of the main examples of love and grace that i've experienced in my life.
  
• friends who sincerely want to be a part of my life, and will allow me to be a part of theirs.
• blossoming friendships in epic, the solidification of a genuine community of believers, at least for myself.
  
• the growth and maintaining of new and old friendships: priya, michelle, ray, gabe, justin, sorta daniel, marni, beth, stef, jeanine, wendi, jill, mandy, jesse, renata, vickie, brianna, elena, matt wang, matt ing, annie, kristin, angela, brian sattler, briggs, dana, YUKI, my parents, NABI, my aunt and uncle, ming ming, alex, andrew, ashley, chrissy...list will go on.
  
• that my little brother prays.
• that priya and i can ask each other to pray for each other
• that michelle is still someone i can be a complete kid around
• that there is somehow still food on the table every day, a roof over our heads, warmth, and the desire to give and to love. and to never hold back, and to help, in any way we are able.
• the desire for growth.
• the hope that there IS more than this.
• questions, that need answers..from renata and jesse, my lil brother, and etc.
• that ray's parents dont hate me, and are amazingly warm people i can feel myself able to slowly get more comfortable around.
  
• hm. raymond gao, himself.
  
• that priya and michelle still ring as such a secure and reliable, huge, and sincere part of my life.
• that the same goes for yuki and nabi, even after all these years.
• that my aunt's family in elk grove has so warmly and sincerely welcomed me as a closer part of theirs.
  
• that marni has finally found her way to progress and grow, and is taking braver and braver steps of faith. that i can be allowed to witness that and be inspired by my friend's journey.
• that i have the opportunity--the blessing, to be inspired by the journeys of such an amazing group of people and community around me, both in epic and in life in general.
• that dandelions are beautiful and tapioca pearls are nummy =].
• that dan tat actually CAN come in a bigger size--yay for the bakery michelle showed me!
• that running is exhilirating, even if mine is more of a slow old lady jog.
  
• that writing is amazing. and ive been blessed with the literacy to do so, and the words to try to.
  
• that im not the only one remembering little details of things, like lined paper love, by myself
• that my dad loves me. and he tells me so, every day.
• that my mom can be herself around me.
• that my family laughs. and we do. a lot =]
  
• that i can, in any way, not be too much of an additional burden to my parents
• that even when i am, and a very heavy and unreasonable one at that, that they love me anyway. and dont hesitate to tell me so, first.
  
• that gabe IMs like, every day. that makes me happy dern it.
• that priya "AMAZING PERSON EVER" bassan is my roommate. take THAT, world.
  
• that i get mike's humor. and it almost never fails to make me laugh. even secretly, or at my own expense D:.
  
• that jeanine is in davis. dhgjbgjkdg!! i REPEAT. that JEANINE TAN is. IN. Davis!!
• that i love what i study, and i get to study what i love.
  
• that its ok if i dont have it all figured out yet right now.
• that dandelions disperse wishes in the form of angel-winged looking fairies even when they die.
• that yuki is my friend. and part of me--if not all of me--can actually say with confidence that ive never dared to have, that i think, maybe-- she always will be.
• that i have friends who would go out of their way, to give me rides to places en stuff--even just cuz i mentioned off hand that i wanted to see people, and then they invite me to hang out
• that i have a best friend who will go out of his way to not just study with me, after a horrendously cold 10 minute bike to my place--but who would do so, even when he didn't even have anything to study, and just for the sake of being there for a friend =]
• my puppies being adorable enough to also be part of the family.
• my lil brother going to school.
• my sister managing a job
• my aunt is still here
• that despite it, my gramma can still laugh or smile
• that my kids (alex, andrew, and ming ming) still like telling bed time stories
• that i've been able to watch these kids grow, and get to be there with them, TO tell bedtime stories. bake cookies. play freeze dance. and watch movies.
• that they still laugh at my silly jokes--or are still convinced that i hate purple enough for it to burn every time they make me touch it...which they do, or andrew does. a lot.
  
• that arizona has brought my family closer instead of further, and that hearing my parents voice on the phone happens often enough that its both familiar enough to be part of my almost every day in davis, yet important enough that even if it ends up being just asking 'how are you' over and over is worth the time to stop my day and tell them..and amazingly, they can do the same for me, and trust me even when the answer isn't "fine"
  
• that tomorrow today is christmas eve. and we get to spend it as a family.

that i know, no matter how extensive my list is,
it'll still never be long enough to cover
how much evidence
of God's grace
there really is,
in my life
and in others' around me.
whether we take the time to stop
to think, and to realize it or not
take the time
to stop
and really, sincerely,
look to Him first.

i want to know what it means,
to live what it means..
to be in love
with You, Lord.

and have all
that i am
someday be,
a reflection of that.

so i'm helping my lil brother clean his room today...

[sorting through/folding his clothes]

-"See this, Ate Hannah? This is my MAN-shirt. I wear it when I wanna feel MAN-ly. "
-"What's so manly about it?"
-"Look at it! It has thunderbolts, skulls, and rattlesnakes!"
-"GASP, and a PEACE SIGN--just to confuse them with a false sense of security?!"
"NO. Cuz of HIPPIES. Hippies are vicious, Ate Hannah. They get pretty violent.
They're not as peaceful as they pretend to be."

...i < 3 this kid. =]

-"...All it's missing is a clown on a unicycle."
-"Keep folding already D:. "

blank pages

...i think
overall..
i miss people


i think..
over all
i'm scared
to miss people

of being disappointed.
in myself.

of failing,
cuz i know--

i'll have to
a few times
in the process
of learning

(and failing
isn't usually
super fun)

so i guess

over all

im afraid


...of things

...that i probably

shouldn't..
shoulder
to be
afraid of.

...cuz they're not
in my hands

to fix, or comfort, or heal

..but instead, exposed, in my heart

for Him to take
into His

so that
He
may save.
heal.
comfort.
make right.
and
redeem.

captives, bound, and broken hearted

He is the Lord.
He is the Lord.

...love is here.

Completely to You.

I'll stand.
With arms high
and heart abandoned.

in awe
of the One who gave it all.


I'll stand.
my soul, Lord, to You
surrendered.

all
i am
is Yours.

what about now?
what about today?
...before it's too late.
what about now?

"it shouldn't feel like something is missing."

that's how we live,
that's how we try.

...

i think i'm

running.

out of my own words
that i can say.

and this is the result.

i thought i was braver than this

i don't know if i'm ready.

...i don't know if i'm ready to be.

"I came apart inside a world
Made of angry people
My feet like bricks under water
I need oxygen..."

what it means to be practical

"You don't have to think about the money first,
we want you to do what makes you happy."

"You need to do what you love.
Making a lot of money is useless if you hate what you do.
You need to do something that will make you happy.
Worry about the money later."


"Well, of course we expect you to be practical.

(If you can get paid more for doing what you love to do,
there's nothing wrong with that...

Like if the president offered you a job to work for him for lots of pay,
you can tell him you'll ask your dad about it. But then if he says,
I'll give your dad a high paying job too.
...Then you can tell him you'll think about it =D) <-- [*cough* lol]


We just don't want to worry about if you're going to survive or not.
But if you're going to survive, you might as well be happy."

"You can do it.
You've done it for three and a half years.
I know you can do it for another."

"Don't think of it as scary, think of it as more exciting.
Maybe it might be a little harder.
And, yes, anything can happen now.
But that can just make things even more exciting. =]"


"We're not going to be disappointed in you, baby.
We know you can do it.
You're a very strong young woman."

"We believe in you."

...to believe in Him.

adventure day saturdays.

...i can't wait < 3
=].

translation

in short.

no schedule = thoughts no longer fenced in

to the structure
of that schedule
to think about
what I'm supposed
to think about
at that hour
in those blocks of time.

it decides
where it wants to go

i just wish
it would come back
D: and study
with me

...that and my attention span
rivals that of a goldfish
a (though) very adventurous, probably senile one
that never left its little bowl
(filled with balloons and playpen balls)
but cant seem to stop talking about the ocean
and talking like a pirate, or a child

and singing songs
it insists
need to be heard.

dear blog,

i am tired
of pretending

i am too cool for mind wandering during finals.


when its probably, actually

when my mind ends up
wandering
the most =x.

**publishes shamelessly.*

someone else's mirror

hmm
i want to wake up one day, and all of the sudden be.

i want to be

the person

i've always wished
i could be

but i wonder..
is that worth
the possibility

of losing
the ability
to dream?

or instead,
does it underestimate
the painful diligence
and hope-filled wonder
with which a person
persists,
thriving on
their ability

to keep on
dreaming?

prichelle

". . . You're not Michelle!!"

my roommate gets me
...and that makes me really happy =]
that is all < 3

bad day.

...but who am i to say that?


i feel like a bully
or some sort of uppity figure
of mock authority

it almost sounds like
an owner
scolding a puppy

but who am i to
reprimand the day
itself?


i guess on the other hand

there's taking ownership

owning up
to mistakes
irresponsibilities
and wrong
decisions

there's growing up

and admit


but growing up
could also
mean

realizing

when it isn't

your fault

or when there really just isn't
anything
you can do about it
now


and moving on

a better person

or at least
still willing
to keep trying
to be

instead of
staring down
at the ground
where you last
tripped
and


fell


look up


to the road
ahead


so you dont

do it
again


look up

and remember

the sun
still shines

even behind
dabs of
grey
painted
clouds


the sky is still

blue

beyond

the layer


of mostly

man-made

fluff.

"i think..that love
is whatveer we believe it to be at that time
because if it's something we believe in,
then it becomes what's real to us
because at the time
it's the only
reality
we know."

...

i think i'll give this day

another chance < 3


i want to take ownership
of whats my responsibility to hold
but as for the things
out of my control

that's when i need to start letting go,

and giving the day back
to Whom
it belongs.

like today never happened

i think
i think

...a lot
when maybe

i know

i shouldn't?

...nah.

more like.

its finals week.
and these are when
my thoughts should be
filled with
books
and names
and notes
and pages
and stress

but instead


im just


...

filled

with thoughts.

pushing
against

a shut
mouth

faint sound
of nothing

while i chew
on my almost
chapped lips

silent
exhales
quieter
inhales

words


spilling

out of my

drumming
twiddling
tinkering

fussy

fingertips



im filled
with
thoughts.

has anyone ever noticed?

how the sound of leaves
being blown across the ground
sound like a clatter of far away applause
from a distant
audience

encoring
diligently
as if demanding
to hear more

an empty room looks like
it's waiting, almost hoping
for people to
come back

and Christmas
tastes like peppermint
on steaming
smooth sips of
hot chocolate


everyones
muttering
reciting
mumbling
whispering


i want to

scream

i want to

laugh

i want to


exist





one
more
time



i want to
fall


knowing


there is something
there
to catch me


a pile of leaves

forgotten


they havent
been jumped in
for days.




boots
sneakers
flipflops(?!)
trudging
importantly

through autumn



my time

is not


any


more


important




than yours




...im still typing.


but the truth is


i just want to
hear.

you.

reciting
mumbling
stressing
and muttering




no..not that one



but laughing
explaining
stumbling
and crying
with a smile
on your face
and a far away
stare


because you know
if you keep looking
that
far away
or that
close up
that your nose
almost
touches
the polished
textbook pages


that your thoughts


could disappear

like pencil lead
crushing
into a soft
padded
cushion

of graph
and line
paper


your thoughts could



disappear



and if you look
far enough
away


that we'll look

the same

direction
and away

from meeting

your crying eyes


panic
stress
unsureness
the unknown
joy
excitement
and fear





i want to

stop

and listen

i want
to hear

you.

let's grow old

...together < 3

i feel like its the only way
we'll ever remember
how young
we really, still are

=]

2.87

i think.

people assume

im...
a lot of things.

...what if they're wrong?

as flattering as
those assumptions
may be

what an unpleasant surprise
that leaves
for me to
be

if i were to
someday
end up

caught.

being me

(even though technically..
its been me
the whole time)

whatever that was meant
or not meant
to be.


whoever
they thought
they saw
but couldn't
see

but does this really
give you any clearer
of a picture?


this doesn't.
these wont.
these will not.

none of these.

will

define me.

only You.

"can i say something really selfish?"

"...can you be in my life more?"

..and that just
broke

my heart.

----

i think i could have
cried.
almost
did

..i wonder if a part of me did.

to the point where
i had to do
all i could

not

to

cuz part of me wondered
if i started

if id
be able

to stop?

not just really like..for her
well, also large part for her
but for all the times
and all the people
i keep saying
or promising
to spend time with

i keep saying
and promising

are important

in my life

but just
dont
show it.

i dont follow through
i dont..have the time?
make the time?

the energy
to love.
that.
much.


so much.

and i do..i really, really do


but what do i do
when mornings start at 8 or 9
and dont end till
10..at the earliest

12? 1?

what do i do
when they do end
or when they gap
but i dont have the energy
to do much more
than breathe

if i can

and have some of those breaths
be silent,
and to myself

be in prayer

instead of to
another person

be...blank


instead of
constantly
processing,
for more words
to make things
make sense
somehow
make myself
or others
make sense

what do you do
when days
dont

end?


i think maybe im just really tired
and i think maybe, i really am just sick right now
and that might be whats talking

but still, no matter how drained it feels
in between meetings, phone alarms, conversations, phonecalls, and tea

i know
that i could do nothing
if it really was
just all
on my own


"..i think it's amazing.
that you would just..have the energy, or take the time
to meet with so many people in a day
that you WANT to do it.
i think it's amazing."


..my journal's running out of room
and i hope the internet never dies, and takes my memories with it

cuz really, really
these are what ends up counting
or mattering at the end of the day

id hate when i start forgetting
where these words came from
or what they mean

..because they really, really..
mean a lot to me.

i know i should be studying

i also think my hands are
waayy too cold

and i just woke up from an hour long nap
but wish i could cuddle up under blankets
and do it again

i wonder if its weird that i prefer to
on other people's beds, or floors

maybe i need a comfier bed?

or maybe its cuz i dont really have a bed at home,
so i cant necessarily say i miss that either


i need
more energy

to follow through
with wanting
to love people


i need
more rest.
to not be sick anymore,
to uhh generate my own body heat,
to find a gigantamous sweater to just wear, and get swallowed up in
and be impenetrable to the cold, dern it.

end note, since my thoughts seem to be
uberly, uberly wandering...

i need to process that first line more later.

i'm amazed, more and more
every time
when i realize
just how much
it must have taken
or must take

for God
to LOVE
to the extent
of which
that He does

specifically,
individually,
intentionally,

perfectly.

the smaller i feel.
the bigger and bigger
God keeps revealing Himself to be

strictly. whimsical.

and it all started
with a regretful
persimmon.

preluded with a rendezvous at mission base--first aid aisle.

encountered--no, intimidated
some bacteria
along the way

excuses are
_ _ _ _

"lame"

what does
falling in love
taste like?

i snuck out of
my father's house
at a day of strictly,
just family time

"Lord, please give me a decision.
If the bus isn't there
then your decision's been
made..."

"...and then i
waited
for the next bus."

"well if you knew or felt like it was blatant disobedience..."

and somehow
i got
the most impractical
and amazing
'reward'
for it


undeserved.
huh.

is that what grace looks like?

a struggle.
a complaint.
not knowing
or knowing
the right decision--
then making
the wrong one.

i should be dreading
or afraid
to go home


but instead

the prodigal son
open arms
taking mike's car keys
parking tickets
missed flights
20 cents per bandaid
optimus prime
'you might as well'
and a couch called
"home"

this is
what grace
looks like.

pie that
tastes like
falling in love

chalky, regretful, persimmons

brittle mom-baked
half cookies
made with
love

"quiet time"
as a term
thrown out the window

so that it may expand
into life
itself

take care of your body
your body's a temple

invest in the people
close to your heart

be
intentional

with my life

end with
"bleeding in disguise."

intimidation

full circle

i want to
talk to Him
and share my day with Him
just like how you'd be excited
to share about life
with a best friend

i want to
listen
just as intently
as you would
a best friend
or more

with an open heart
already overflowing
with love
care
and excitement

for who this person is
was, can be, and will be
in your life

infatuation
would taste like
cotton candy

sweet but
lacking in substance

i think
id prefer

...falling in love.