did the wind sweep you off your feet?

And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

blessed.

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

undeniably so < 3

never let go

It's falling from the clouds
A strange and lovely sound
I hear it in the thunder and rain
It's ringing in the skies
Like cannons in the night
The music of the universe plays

You are holy great and mighty
The moon and the stars declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, but still You love me
Forever my heart will sing of how great You are

Beautiful and free
Song of Galaxies
It's reaching far beyond the milky way
Lets join in with the sound
C'mon let's sing it loud
As the music of the universe plays

All glory, honor, power is Yours amen
All glory, honor, power is Yours amen
All glory, honor, power is Yours forever
Amen

retreat was amazing.
people are amazing.

i want to promise to pray for my freshmen
and love on them as God has called us to love.
...but i realize how difficult that is
and this isn't just a cop out response
to shove disclaimer on my promises already
but just a reminder to myself
to realize the weight
of my own wishes of promises

so instead
i want to pray
..to..pray..
for my freshmen
i want to pray
to love on them
to be a source of
friendship and
support for them
to remember
most of all
that they are not
'my freshmen'
but God's

and that that's something
the identity of something
and someone's
that deserve
a lot of
respect
and time
and effort
and love

these are
God's people
God's daughters
my sisters
and brothers
in Christ

im really happy to have gotten the opportunity
to really connect more with women in epic
rather than just the everyday of entertaining or
making them feel welcome..but really, really
talking to them, sharing with them, hearing from them
getting to know them, and loving on who that is

girls in cru, friends who have just stuck around
really just make me feel connected to the movement as a whole
rather than just epic
got to catch up with elena, omgsh i love her
annie was pulled into ultimate ninja
and i got to spend more time talking to her this weekend and hanging out
lil things like saying hi and small talk
with allie and megan
and proposal stories
from desyre and another girl from my old bstudy

i feel..blessed, God
so blessed
to have such a community
and the chance to interact with
and kow who these people are

also got to have good fellowship with my brothers
who were super patient with me
especially gabe, alex (lol), matt wang..even josh scott
while playing basketball/getting taught how to haha
and conversations with matt ing and mike and this weekend,
even arend from cru. and brief interactions with keith
and other people
then theres also getting to catch up with will =]
haha and my new tumor/growth andy =D
yaay brothers

jeanine, stella, wendi. omgsh, wendi. and jill and mary
and steph and krissy and ashley
i got to really spend time and just fall even more in love
with who these girls are and can and will be
and...are...in my life
i feel so inspired by them
inspired to grow
and to connect

steph umamoto is so efficient haha
and stella's adorable
jeanine--still amazing. amazing. oh yeah--and uh. amazing.
jill shows so much love and care for the people around her
krissy's thoughtful, wise, gentle, and kind dern it
and she is a good appreciater of humor haha
i always love any time i get to spend, or interact with ashley
her questions make you think dern it
and shes super encouraging
i got to know tracy, and pa, and lucy
and got to spend some quality time with
vickie, elena, and brianna
all of whom im super excited to get to know more =]
(they were such good sports for the dress up thing!)

this weekend ive added new girls to pray for
pa, lucy, tracy, and..that one girl who was supposed to be my top bunk buddy
but always got up way too early for me to greet her good morning to her face from the beds


i got home
crawled into bed
and fell asleep
and napped for a good
almost three hours

..im really
happy
this weekend
to get a break
and BE happy

the stars were amazing
and shooting stars..
we saw two of them
but really at that moment
i couldn't think of anything
to possibly wish for

all i could or can think now
is that..God is good
and that yes, He loves me
this much
loves us both
loves us all

that He'd create
so much
that defines the beauty
of who He is

stars, curtains, racing up and down stairs
laughing, and talking
and really just..playing

im amazed at who He is
and the things He gives us
and that none of this
is of us
but is all
in Him
through Him
because of Him
and His love for us

"...i rejoice in this Divine Romance."

thank you, God
for everything < 3

"the man i've been.."

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
come rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest

'cause You know just how far the east is from the west

From one scarred hand to the other

i can't seem to focus.
i feel burnt out already.
i really don't feel like running again tomorrow,
or having extra stuff to carry cuz of changing for PE

i think these papers are stressing me out more than i thought
but i still have yet to get even one done

does school really come first?
well--of course it does.
i really dont even know what else i could be going with

i think im just..really tired
and i wish i wasn't

sleep would be nice



i dont know when i'll ever get enough of it

i wanna be excited for life again

i want to rest..

fireflies are not ugly

got some work done today,
had lovely quality time with priya
and have decided to officially commit to mocha almond fudge
as a new fave ice cream flavor

i dont think i should be overwhelmed...
well i can be
but its unreasonable if its something
that'll just slow
my work down

and friday was worth it
ill stick to that

michelle is amazing
i can be a part of myself around her
that i almost cant be with anyone else
its just..really fun
i heart her
a lot =]


i found out my dad
has been shamelessly sulking for the past week
so not taking it as well as i thought
but instead taking it very, very hilariously
and mourning, quite properly
and im ok with that

its pretty funny

as for everything else?
and the rest of today

while i did get a good amount of work done,
i hafta say..

...
i didn't realize that 'happy'
could be so distracting.

cuz it might be important...

"fireflies"
by owl city

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave tear drops everywhere
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and
Stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems

Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach my how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock-hop beneath my bed
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread
(Thread, thread...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
(When I fall asleep)

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
(Ha-ha)

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
(Said farewell)
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
(Jar, jar, jar...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
(When I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

Priya sent me this song last night
and i am in love with it < 3


it's super random
and deceptively nonsensical
and seemingly pointless

=] i heart it

For the times when anyone has ever doubted
their own validity, or ability to help
when all they can offer to do
is pray for someone
suffering,
lost,
or in need:

"Prayer does not equip us for greater works--prayer is the greater work..
In the teachings of Jesus Christ, prayer is the working miracle of redemption in me,
which produces the miracle of redemption in others, through the power of God."

...and cuz it maybe might also be important

"The way a fruit remains firm is through prayer, but remember that it is prayer based on the agony of Christ in redemption, not my own agony.
We must go to God as His child,
because only a child gets his prayers answered;
a 'wise man' dos not (see Matthew 11:25)"

-My Utmost for His Highest

apparently my days are bipolar...

rainy days are alright
it feels like
the sky's just
having a little fun

but cloudy greys are a lil gloomier
like the sky's in a
bad mood
and wishes
someone would come over
for tea
and watch
a movie

...ahaha
so yeah i could also be projecting.


today i was out of nowhere super sick again in the afternoon.

i did alright running,
and didn't think i pushed myself too hard or anything
it was even a little fun

i guess the day started off on a bad note already

maybe just one of those days?

every hour felt so long
and after each hour
came another hour
just like it

im happy i got to have lunch with jeanine, mason, and wendi < 3

im happy to get to see jeanine
at all =]

slight headache slowly got worse tho
en for some reason my legs were shaky during class

i told my ta i wouldnt make it to section,
but then right after tried to look up a diff class ta's OH
to get help on a paper

..i went home when i realized i couldn't even stand in place for very long
at the stand up station at the MU comp lab
for some reason my knees/legs just kept trying to give out

but it was nice running into anthony on the way home

was locked out,
fell asleep on the neighbor's couch
headachey, fevery, and cold
and wondering if matlock would catch the murderer in time

woke up with briggs' blanket on me =]
*heart my older brotheerseses*
and brian wiping his wet hands on my forehead D:
*those jerks*

went home
had dinner
drank medicine
and tea
(which turned out to be really good
even tho it smelled funny)

and rationalized that to NOT go to epic
would be harder than going
because then id sit here all evening

..thinking about going

and im off =]

wouldn't it be nice? <3

i love the rain

its SO utterly miserable
that its RIDICULOUS

its like lil games with yourself
all day long
while the sky just kinda
laughs at you
for trying

i think hunchbacks would LOVE this weather

my second most valid thought exhale today
was the realization that i am HORRENDOUS at making judgment calls
on how deep or cross-able
a deceptively shallow looking puddle is.


i made a new friend today =]
his name is ryan the IM sports guy
and he thinks i am a horrible person who has something against hunchback rights
and third world country children.

i love umbrellas, and umbrella people.
i hate choking at bstudy and wet socks.

i need to make less sweet cookies.
and catch up on my readings.

so. many. tiny. spiders.

rescuing handicapped children from a space shuttle disaster

i am
indestructible.

...or else.

fever.
slight headache--well its going away now.
still vaguely limping, but not as bad as last night
or this morning
where standing for too long--hurt.

effing kevin.

i really am enjoying car rides to and from church with him tho.
nice random time to catch up.
and keeps things in perspective
and something in my prayers
when im wondering
how the word of God sounds
to ears
other than my own
or to hearts
hurting
for different reasons
that i cant even
begin
to comprehend
in the way
God,
surely
does.


...i wish it wasn't so hard to ask for help.


or to admit to needing some.


or even company.

which i sometimes want,
even if it seems almost like
i complain too often about being in the state
that doesnt D:

im laying on the floor
with a blanket, tylenol, half a peanut butter sandwich
half bowl of soup, water bottle, my laptop, and some hw.

..its really, really cold D:

i still need to find a way to do laundry,
rest of my hw,
have self control NOT to hang out today,
enough discipline to catch up on reading
and sleep early tonight.

and all the little things.
that aren't really
so bad < 3
if you think about it.
=]

..yeah.
i want some company.
i want..your company.

i just need to..
convince myself,
that that's
..okay.

..right? = /

"hanging by a moment"
by lifehouse

I'm desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after You

I'm falling even more in love with You
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until You make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with You

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take Your invitation
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with You
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until You make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with You

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with You

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind

There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

I'm desperate for changing
I'm starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after You

I'm falling even more in love with You
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with You

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with You

Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with You

...boo.
fever's back.

it's too easy to give up

..that i think sometimes you do it,
without even realizing that you are
or already have.

always, 'maybe tomorrow'
but really..
dont know how many of those
we even have left

i want to lay on the green belt grass today
and pretend to be a daisy again

maybe i can go back to
'i love lined paper'
..cuz i really,
really do.

im not good at being clear
with very few words

but most of those words
i forget
need to be said outloud
instead of written

...but really

i think sometimes i prefer it written.

"explains it, but doesn't justify it..."

im going to try.

ill follow you.
no.
ill follow...You.

..we'll..follow You.

im going to try.

i'll trust you.
or..try my best to.

ill trust..You.
because its the only way
i can trust
ANYONE
or in any way
survive

maybe You know better, right?
maybe You know what You're doing.
maybe i don't have all the answers.
and maybe
that's okay.

"nothing happened."

nothing happened that day.
i psyched myself up for it, wrestled with indecisiveness for a good literal 5 minutes.
Five minutes or so of just standing there trying to decide what to do.
Trying to figure out what my intentions were.

I knew if I walked away,
I would rationalize it as a lesson learned.

But it wouldn't change the fact that--
I didn't do it.

Context: so there's a random guy at the park.
Passed right by em, he was taking pics.

Did not stand out in ANY way.
Just walked right by.

and then for some reason the thought occured to me

...is this how it would feel like
or is this in any way parallel to

walking right by someone..reading a book or something
and not looking up
and for you to see that theyre about to walk right off a cliff

..and instead of taking the two seconds to stop and tell them--hey uhm
there's a cliff watch out

you just...
walk right on
because its too much trouble
or youre on your way somewhere
or cuz you don't know them


..is that a little bit of what sharing is supposed to be?

..just..coming up to people and telling them
hey, uhh
btw, you're about to walk right off a cliff

all you need to do is look up
from whatever world it is that's in that book
or that the world has told you to read
and..see where you're going


is that a little bit of what sharing is supposed to be?


is that a little bit of what it feels like
to know..to believe..to...KNOW
something horrible is gonna happen
if you dont do something to change it

then

changing it for yourself

and not

warning

anyone else?

..i mean, i rationalized it
id talked to people before?
maybe itd be amazing
but
its not supposed to be for the sake of it being amazing
or having an amazing story to tell out of it

or success or anything

just..about being told to do something
...and doing it

right?

and..that's..what i did


just..turned around
like a creeper
and went up to him--it wasnt even in teh path
it was totally out of the way

and made up a question to ask
hoped for a time to bring something up

and...

nothing happened.


and i think...
that was actually really refreshing--and almost a relief? but mroe like yeah
refreshing
that nothing did


cuz we're not supposed to test God, right?
OR to do things to glorify ourselves


i have..
NO awesome story to go with that

and i wasn't super outgoing, or good at what i did

but all i did was

turned around

and did..what i could


and...
...nothing happened.


it's humbling to see that.

but on the other hand know, hope, and pray


that maybe


...something will.


and if it does,

it wont be within my own hands

just like how this encounter wasn't


...but it was

on His instead.



yes, tangent, random, probably irrelevant to life in general.


but it was just..nice.

and i really do like God for it.
Thank God for it.


It was a small...possibly awkward...and obscure reminder.

But it felt good to turn around for no reason,
do what I felt (randomly) called to do,
do totally not amazingly,
and get totally NOTHING (like no results) out of it.

Other than just to know that I was told
and I listened.

I wasn't rewarded.
And I didn't "succeed."

I just...
listened.

"but sir, that's actually my backhair brush..."

just how far the east is from the west

it was kinda funny today
to have left my worship music on
left on a lower volume
while priyas laptop music was playing in the background
louder, and with clubbing/dancing music

it was a neat lil analogy
and put some things in perspective
and in a way kinda was able to
keep things in perspective
for most the night

yet even as your perspectives shift or question themselves
your body moves almost on its own
to do its best to blend into
a crowd of people
you dont actually know


it was fun hanging out with priya, michelle, hyuma, and jeremy =]
didnt get to talk to jennifer much, but she was sweet

it was nice dancing with michelle and priya
and sitting and talking ABOUT dancing
and other miscellaneous ridiculousness with jeremy on the side

i heart seeing priya happy < 3


"backhair brush, poopsie, and party platters of wasabi rolls.."

priya's bday in the beginning of the week was fun too =]

im so thankful for her

her and michelle both

thankfully, i was able to catch up with marni
ive left daniel a message, or tried to
i was able to have a good convo/be there for my sis today (thanks again for being patieent!)
i was able to talk to briggs and brian more about concerns on certain topics
stef and i were able to catch up
and wendi and i finally both know
whats going on in each other's lives
and have been able to connect, so well =]

and im talking to nabi more again, yay!
and more time to catch up with yuki

overall it all just feels..
very rewarding
is that the word?
just...really worth it kind of happy

that im talking to jeremy again is really cool
cuz the interaction is still the same

and being able to meet more freshmen
and really connect with them more
has been
pretty much amazing =]!

steven talks and interacts with me now like we've been friends before
the freshmen girls were sweet and really wanted to come hang out
jesse is awesome and also sincerely just wants to hang out
same with renata--who i just found out was in segundo WOO
oh yeah, steven wants to go rock climbing

God keeps making lil connections or chance meetings
from old to new friendships,
learning to be more comfy around some people,
to random encounters and new friends even just on the bus

im just..
really happy
and excited for all that He's doing


!!!
OH

and we ran into RAYJAY and MASTER MAY =D
they actually -want- to hang out
and gave me their phone numbers
and asked for mine too

in the same day i ran into another dorm friend
and we all wanna eat pizza together
which would be amazing

and already dana wants to plan a fancy sushi night < 3

..maybe i can bring a friend =]

today was just
really nice, i think
in general

and a very good
very necessary rest day

i..
love the arboretum


i love benches,
wooden or yellow.

i love grass,
even tho it grows on dirt.

i love ducks, dinosaurs, and--eff
even tiny, grey, jumping spiders =P

and even more so, i love
tiny, white flowers
with yellow centers
...and now broken stem
(accident!)

"at the end of the day it's not about being satisfied with your accomplishments,
it's about being satisfied with what God has blessed you with."
-what my sis left on my wall =]