so is yours.

i need to believe that.

while i watch a grown man
cry--alone as he's ever felt
over his kitchen counter
turning to face the wall
as if that would hide
the way his shoulders shook
as the silence
amplified the sound
of his sobbing

while i watch a woman

lose herself

to grief

and bitterness

anger has

consumed

her world

she's forgotten

who she is

what she's done 

i've forgotten

who she is

while i watch a little boy

hiding in his grandparent's empty bedroom

lights off, door parted

the world crumbling down around him

over a homework assignment not completed

a grade not quite perfected

because somehow, inside him

he thinks if he'd only done it right

done it better

then things could get better

life would be easier

everyone would be happier

and he would have

helped

"i've never felt beautiful"

the words cut, a jagged saw against your nerves

and you cringe--as every part of your own self esteem cringes

at the all too familiar words

the words that you don't believe

should ever come so sincerely

from a twelve year old little girl

"it's not your fault

so please stop your crying now"

will being prettier, smarter--skinnier

really have prevented this?

but at this point

you want to believe

something would have

i take it back.

who am i to tell you to stop?

when the tears wont subside

and watching you swallow them

is like watching the colors
of make believe, dreams, and childhood
drain into greys of never after
and you take your turn
to hug me with your
monochrome hands
and tell me you love me
when i've done nothing to deserve it

i wanted to save you

i wanted to

have you ever watched a teenage boy...cry?
that awkward stage of
childhood and adulthood
boy and man
and in between
yearning, reaching, almost almost almost
but nowhere near grown up enough
as the responsibilities they place on your shoulders

your hands were shaking

your voice was far away

you walked through the house
like a ghost, like a ghost
wading through
a dreamlike state
of things you wish
you could wake up from

please don't cry

i have no right to ask you that


especially because now
you wont
no matter what i say

you've left to be
in that far away place
you've left
yourself
behind

and i can no longer reach
the new you
who only wishes
he could mean
the life
he lives
now

 until soon
he forgets
how to wish
at all

tell me again, Lord

that their lives are filled

with hope

because i need Your voice to tell me
what my voice breaks--straining
my throat chokes on these words

Lord, tell me again

that this life is full of hope.

because You're the only one
i could possibly hope to believe now

...will they?

 "my life is full of hope...

and so is yours."

i don't have it in me
to say those words alone.

"my life is filled with hope"

that realization hit me hard the other day

not like--a slap in the face

or a punch in the stomach kind of impact

but the kind of--sudden embrace

that knocks the air right out of you

in the other party's excitement to see you

or rather--

be seen by you

after missing you

for so long

waiting to be noticed

neglected

but still

relentlessly

protectively

gently

holding your hand

this whole time

and as you utter the words

that acknowledges that

as you blink your blurring eyes

straining--now seeing

a light, a life

in what was once

just a vacant stare

an unchanging horizon

dark

and predictable

if even just for a moment

you can make out

the blurred

contours

of His face

feel the warmth

of His smile

remember

the hand

that holds yours

is His

every realization

step closer, 

word uttered

story heard

tears shared

truth told

lie revoked

love confirmed

is like an embrace

this is not a hope i deserve

but it's the kind

You choose to give

why my life is not consumed in thankfulness

baffles me on my best days

frustrates me on my worst

yet You hold onto me

on both days

and every moment in between

because my dreams are bursting at the seams

 i agree

that my life

is full 

of hope

the crappier things are
the greater the potential
for things to get better
the greater the room
for hope

im not even saying that things are that bad

im just saying, even when they get that way
the amount of hope my life is filled with

doesn't change

i am either tired
or hopeful
i feel like,
to be alive
i must be
perpetually
hopeful

sometimes,
things feel hopeless
and i'm exhausted
and i feel that i've done so much
so much, already

and i realize here i am
trying to take credit for all the good
God is doing
and claiming it as my own

i think exhaustion
is valid
sadness, panic, heavy-heartedness
even hopelessness
is valid

my dreams, my hopes
include people
people whom--
if i were to lose
my hopes
of reuniting,
of more time,
of another chance--
would be bursting,
exploding,
tearing through
my heart
to reach
any possibility
of being with them
once again

and sometimes the possibility is impossible
and they've gone too far to reach
and i'm left with just
a tattered mess
spent, weeping,
torn

but my hopes
my hope
is never
ending

because Jesus
is never ending

even those
i cannot reach

even as the very life
of life itself
and joy--in all its unfamiliarity
is drained from me

...i still have hope

because even as life itself
leaves me with nothing
im reminded
that there's more
than this life
to come

i have hope

that exists
despite me--regardless of me
in spite of me

the me who wants everything
the me who wants a faith in things i can see
the me who obviously does not understand
what faith is even supposed to mean
if i've made such a request already

i have hope

and nothing can take that away
not my circumstances
my losses
my burdens
my pains
my stress
my homework (yeah, i said it)
my worries
my moneys (or lack thereof)
my flaws
my not good enough's
my not ever enough's
nor my falling short
of ever deserving
the kind of hope
i've been so freely given

an abundance of it
an endless stream of it

Lord,
i have hope.

even when i feel like i don't
even when i try to stubbornly claim that i won't
even when i cry out that i can't
even when i mean it
when i say
i don't
 understand

even when i have nothing else--

i have hope.

game plan:

...aaand go!