first day

spring!

i've decided im gonna start blogging in this thing again.
which means...
well.
a lot of things.

but not really.

i have a secret

i was watching you first.

"hannah, go to sleep.
Love, hannah."

finals chronicles

saturday:
i didnt realize how long saturdays were supposed to be
and probably always have been
till i finally just got to sit
and enjoy it

ciocolat with michelle was awesome
even more awesome was missing the bus and an extra hour with her <3>>

those white flower trees
SMELL so BAD
and pizza with friends is awesome
and sometimes, so is quadruple planning
on accident x_x
but things working out anyway
thanks for being patient kevin !



sunday:
i said no today.
and im gonna keep on saying no.
and not just to drugs either !
and maybe next time i wont flip out as much when i do =x

but for some reason distraction still found me
this time in the form of..
panda express, apple cider in fancy sundae cups, and 3 hour (what do you mean 3 hours, priya!?!?) long indian movies.
life is kind of awesome
i think i love my housemates <3>>
nother sick day for my boss, so no employee evaluation
dwayne's never gonna evaluate me u_u
and when he finally does
he'll have built up enough pent up passive aggression
to express in sheer and utter rage
and just take me to the back of the room
with a baseball bat
and his post it note pages
filled with passive aggressive notes



tuesday:

i was wrong.
it is not wednesday
there is no free pie today.

wednesday:
..priya said she actually likes the white flower smell

maybe we ARE meant to stay 'complicated' after all D:

thursday-saturday:

finals: 3
hannah: 0
sleep: -2

because real men DONT tear up over youtube worship songs while sitting in comp labs

"Worlds Apart"

I am the only one to blame for this.

Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride

I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love

to give and die

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?

All I am for all you are

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

and you'll be my memory

i posted this in a private blog at 2/15
but felt the need to re-live it
and just
remember words
warmer than pictures can fully capture

2/15 ode to ramona

Ahaha >>
For some reason now every time I open my blog window
and the song comes on--I feel almost like I've just entered a room or the room in my miind of my own thoughts. And its like eefff--en I hafta turn it off really quick just so's not to be...surrounded by me again. In that lil room of my mind, judging by the beginning of the first song--that little COLORFUL room in my mind filled with lots and lots of random floating text and sentences and maybe clip arts of images or pretend poems, pressed flowers, and voices of people, and images of smiles, and eye contact and things that mean more or less than they probably should..all in mumbling, sighing, prayers and songs..yelling, crying, loud..bouts of silence.

and at the same time..entering a bright white room, that was once, and in a deceptive way still appears to sometimes be--a clear blank page.


so for this weekend
i flipped a coin
and it said
dont go
and i wailed and clung to it
and said
BUT I WANT TOOO

knowing that the truth was
that i really didnt
...and i really
really didnt

and i
yelled at God =x
and threw things on the ground
even if it was probably just a sock, a hanger, and a shirt

and i messed things up
almost purposely
so id have a reason not to go

i put my laundry in late
i didnt pack
i didnt
do anything
but sat there
and whined

i wanted an answer
and was throwing a fit
trying to tell life
to tell God
that i wouldnt budge until i got one

but life just happened anyway on its own
and all that was different was that i was a little more behind
and in the process almost made
a lot of different people
behind also

such an inconvenience
i really was--am

especially got uber guilty when i realized how many people's spot i took

these were the people i thought didn't care about me
and didn't care to know who i was--or to spend time--or that i would be
left to fend for my own

....
i am so incredibly wrong
and feel so incredibly--well
stupid
but also
loved

...
and stupid

matt was very nurturing--to everyone
as was jill especially
(like a typical married couple <3 )

tony was such a good sport
and i love when gabe smiles or laughs,
cuz when he does its almost surprised, and always sincere(ly amused)
ariel is the sweetest. period.
and ray is just--well. ray. its nice to be around.

eunice and i had a heart to heart.
she's amazing.
i feel closer to kevin, that i totally stepped out of stuff for him
and also so how much he cared about eunice

cindy is someone i really need to get to know
i feel pursued
and i see almost a reflection
where i can be needed
but always kinda just
chose not to be

amy and brian
show are genuine friendships
official fellowship or not
graduated grown up or not

this weekend was...


chains and blizzards
snow banks and slush
wind shield wipers, subway, and motion sickness
and a jacket that wasn't my own

this weekend was

a quiet night
a tv screen, and hot chocolate
and people who were all kind of in a way
equally unsure as the other

4 am pillow talk
a narrow bed
and layers of tightly tucked blankets

a morning to noon pillow talk
and parallel after parallel
of two little sisters

a hot shower
english muffins and hot chocolate
a burritto lunch and snow
more snow
and santa clause's cabin

a beautiful lake
water, sun reflecting off the waves
unreal
and as untouchable as unreal should ever be

it was photographs, and laughter
a whole
lot

of laughter <3

walking on the beach, spelling words on the sand,
trying to step out heart shaped foot prints
and crunching almost solid snow under finally purposeful boots

and a playground
omgsh
a playground
and running
and swinging
and laughing
and climbing
and laughing some more
and falling, and throwing, and adventuring
and sliding
and tumbling down backwards then over your head (are you okay ariel?!)

it was balance beams and slippery ice
and throwing snowballs at THE MAN--warning -THIS-! **kunk*

And snow angels
and falling backwards
on 2 inch deep snow D:
"so not a good idea!"
"just keep going!!"
"i cant feel my hand!"

and wrestling polar bears
and limping back to matt's car
and layer after layer after layer
and snow pants that are more than twice my size

and ramona
omgsh
ramona
this weekend was

ramona.

and yellow hats
and candy cane scarves
and shovels of snow
and tackling
and rolling
and snowball throwing
and missing
and hitting
and laughing

picture taking

and a warm
home cooked
meal

eff..
like...seriously?
who does that?
how does that kind of awesome still exist?

the kind of comforting warm environment
where matt let cindy and i even 'help' him
when all we did was stir the pasta while it boiled
en he let me chop the tomatoes (!)

and we all watched a movie afterwards
and jill made us cookies
and the evening ended with the rest of us
building
a fort

i kid you not

a fort <3

an amazing one

to protect us from ramona (the snowman/ray's valentine's) wrath

and playing 'honey i love you'
and laughing some more

then pillow talking with amy
on the benches sitting in the shower stall
cuz there was nowhere else to sit privately or quietly
and just caught up

then went to bed
and then got up to another warm feeling of home
and had a fun and low key car ride back
in time to sit and blog
with another day ahead of me tomorrow <3


i heart you, God @@

thank you so much for these people
thank you so much for You

living might mean taking chances but its worth taking

a saturday afternoon

I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where You are

My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In Your presence at Your throne

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek Your face
Lord, all I am is Yours

i think i'd forgotten just how long/relaxing/peaaacefuuul (!)
a saturday afternoon could/SHOULD be =] <3

ps: and yes. i did semi ruin it by quadruple booking the night--but i meant well!

i am on your side

i feel so blessed right now
God is good.

im sick again. i think this has happened a lot on Fridays, since everything's due on Tues and Thurs. and just..by the end of the week in general, i've already keeled myself over enough that my body's probably just like D: D: D: EFF YOU HANNAH, ive had enough!! **stomps up the stairs and locks self up in its room*

cept..i dont. go to my room to rest most days i mean @@. but ill give myself the benefit of the doubt this time that its not a fever. cuz my hands are also very cold, so it could just be that thats making my face feel so warm.

i dont think im stressed SO much about women's ministry tonight as i am just like..tired? and..lonely. like...God is good. i dont know how i could be doing ANY of this by myself right now (well mary came and really wanted to help out earlier but she has a lot of stuff going on at work. but she did buy the chicken en keep me company while the pasta cooked?? she has good girl-advice on kitchen stuff u u <3 .) but just like..cleaning up the apt and kitchen, en getting the food ready by myself is kinda lonely. God blessed me with a free day today since my term paper was due yesterday. but im still running on 6ish hrs of sleep after a night of 3 hrs to finish all my work. but i was so tired/incoherent, the fact that it was done at all is like...life grace break.

i miss my friend. i miss having someone to call right now. i know shes the one i woulda called to be able to breathe. i feel like my heart breaks in three whenever i see her right now.

hmm that makes it four sneezes in a ro--make it 5 sneezes in a row this time. . . .6.
...
7

okay. im gonna go to safeway now <3 .

(...8.)


PS: and alwin even just offered (well IMd then signed off) if I needed any help! life really is nice =]

breathe in the familiar shock...far beyond my reach

...
am i really doing this?
..
**flips table*
YES.

I am.
To Do List number 587. (not an actual count)

And go:


[x] FAFSA
[x] Women's Ministry QT about what to talk about
[x] Groceries for baking event
[x] Clean up apt downstairs
[x] Look up/find recipes for baking
[x] Actual Epic Women's Baking Event
[x] Buy Muffin mixes for church
[x] Bake muffins for college class (7 tables, 5+ people in each?)
[x] Watch Play: Beyond Therapy
[x] SAA Take An Aggie to Lunch Student Spreadsheet
[x] SAA Take an Aggie to Lunch (TATL) 'NO!' Student email format--SENT!
[x] SAA TATL Student-Alumni Matches 1/2
[x] SAA TATL Student-Alumni Matches 2/2
[x] SAA TATL Remaining Matches/Problem Emails
[x] Email SAA Board about Thank You Letter help
[x] TATL Thank You Letter Draft
[x] Put together Thank You TATL envelopes
[x] Distribute Thank You Letter folders to other Board Members
[x] Soc Gender Reading 2/23-27
[x] Soc Relations Reading 2/23-27
[x] Soc Relations Reading--THIS WEEK--Wait..is there any?
[x] Soc Gender Reading--THIS WEEK: Due Tues
[x] Soc Gender Reading--THIS WEEK: Due Thurs
[x] Soc Relations TERM PAPER OUTLINE/DRAFT
[x] brainstorming
[x] Freewrite
[x] Outline
[x] Final Draft
[x] Laundry--Wash: 3 loads, dry, etc.
[x] Laundry--1 load left over
[x] Put laundry away/fold
[x] Movie/Take out night with Dorothy
[x] While on Campus: -Bring Michelle cheesecake cupcake/muffins
[ ] Wash sheets/comforters/blankets
[x] Recipe for dinner tomorrow
[x] Groceries for dinner tomorrow
[x] Pay back Matt Wang for dinner at Tahoe
[x] Still owe Kevin Hua gas and burger $
[x] Rent $ this month
[ ] Annie's Grocery $
[x] Thank You card for the Kitchen Volunteers at UCC
[x] Reserve next Friday night for next Women's Event: "Date Night with Jesus"
[x] Set up Mid-Finals Worship Night with Kevin Hua
[x] Pancakes !
[x] Clean out/up blue purse
[x] Buy contact solution
[x] Still EVENTUALLY set up MVT appointment
[x] Ask Mandy out for afternoon 'date' in a romantic way for Friday afternoon (ie: flowers, dress)
[x] Eventual Flan + random anime date with Michelle
[ ] Buy Stationary
[x] Send out an email of the recipe for the cheesecake and chocolate cake from Women's event to those who attended
[ ] Ask Will about Women's Ministry costs
[ ] Last part of India Missions Trip App
[ ] Hang out date w/ Yvonne
[x-ish] Hang out date w/ Gracie
[x] Buy a notebook for/ make a binder for Women's Ministry including:
[ ] Hand outs/discussions, topics, questions
[ ] Outline for next quarter + record of past events including costs
[ ] Outline available dates next quarter also (Meet w/ Ray and maybe staff for this)
[x] Follow up thank you email for those who came to Women's event
[ ] FIND AN INTERNSHIP FOR NEXT QUARTER (maybe summer?...eff parents would keel)
[ ] Next project for CCF Leadership team role: Make a "Hospitality Team" slide (Spring Quarter)
[ ] Next next project for CCF Leadership team role: make "Wheel of Love" w/ Briggs
[x] PS: Need more English Breakfast Tea for CCF college class cupboard
[x] Return Renee's Recipe book with a couple muffins and a thank you note

**Last update 3/13/09
Memo's:
[x] return Rachelle's Camera
[x] India Trip Meeting on Saturday
[x] Can't make it to other India trip meeting Sat after

well I want a second glance
so give me a second chance
to see the way you see the people all along

give me your eyes for just one second
give me your eyes so I can see
everything that I keep missing
give me your love for humanity
give me your arms for the broken hearted
ones that are far beyond my reach.
give me your heart for the ones forgotten
give me your eyes
so I can see