and you'll be my memory

i posted this in a private blog at 2/15
but felt the need to re-live it
and just
remember words
warmer than pictures can fully capture

2/15 ode to ramona

Ahaha >>
For some reason now every time I open my blog window
and the song comes on--I feel almost like I've just entered a room or the room in my miind of my own thoughts. And its like eefff--en I hafta turn it off really quick just so's not to be...surrounded by me again. In that lil room of my mind, judging by the beginning of the first song--that little COLORFUL room in my mind filled with lots and lots of random floating text and sentences and maybe clip arts of images or pretend poems, pressed flowers, and voices of people, and images of smiles, and eye contact and things that mean more or less than they probably should..all in mumbling, sighing, prayers and songs..yelling, crying, loud..bouts of silence.

and at the same time..entering a bright white room, that was once, and in a deceptive way still appears to sometimes be--a clear blank page.


so for this weekend
i flipped a coin
and it said
dont go
and i wailed and clung to it
and said
BUT I WANT TOOO

knowing that the truth was
that i really didnt
...and i really
really didnt

and i
yelled at God =x
and threw things on the ground
even if it was probably just a sock, a hanger, and a shirt

and i messed things up
almost purposely
so id have a reason not to go

i put my laundry in late
i didnt pack
i didnt
do anything
but sat there
and whined

i wanted an answer
and was throwing a fit
trying to tell life
to tell God
that i wouldnt budge until i got one

but life just happened anyway on its own
and all that was different was that i was a little more behind
and in the process almost made
a lot of different people
behind also

such an inconvenience
i really was--am

especially got uber guilty when i realized how many people's spot i took

these were the people i thought didn't care about me
and didn't care to know who i was--or to spend time--or that i would be
left to fend for my own

....
i am so incredibly wrong
and feel so incredibly--well
stupid
but also
loved

...
and stupid

matt was very nurturing--to everyone
as was jill especially
(like a typical married couple <3 )

tony was such a good sport
and i love when gabe smiles or laughs,
cuz when he does its almost surprised, and always sincere(ly amused)
ariel is the sweetest. period.
and ray is just--well. ray. its nice to be around.

eunice and i had a heart to heart.
she's amazing.
i feel closer to kevin, that i totally stepped out of stuff for him
and also so how much he cared about eunice

cindy is someone i really need to get to know
i feel pursued
and i see almost a reflection
where i can be needed
but always kinda just
chose not to be

amy and brian
show are genuine friendships
official fellowship or not
graduated grown up or not

this weekend was...


chains and blizzards
snow banks and slush
wind shield wipers, subway, and motion sickness
and a jacket that wasn't my own

this weekend was

a quiet night
a tv screen, and hot chocolate
and people who were all kind of in a way
equally unsure as the other

4 am pillow talk
a narrow bed
and layers of tightly tucked blankets

a morning to noon pillow talk
and parallel after parallel
of two little sisters

a hot shower
english muffins and hot chocolate
a burritto lunch and snow
more snow
and santa clause's cabin

a beautiful lake
water, sun reflecting off the waves
unreal
and as untouchable as unreal should ever be

it was photographs, and laughter
a whole
lot

of laughter <3

walking on the beach, spelling words on the sand,
trying to step out heart shaped foot prints
and crunching almost solid snow under finally purposeful boots

and a playground
omgsh
a playground
and running
and swinging
and laughing
and climbing
and laughing some more
and falling, and throwing, and adventuring
and sliding
and tumbling down backwards then over your head (are you okay ariel?!)

it was balance beams and slippery ice
and throwing snowballs at THE MAN--warning -THIS-! **kunk*

And snow angels
and falling backwards
on 2 inch deep snow D:
"so not a good idea!"
"just keep going!!"
"i cant feel my hand!"

and wrestling polar bears
and limping back to matt's car
and layer after layer after layer
and snow pants that are more than twice my size

and ramona
omgsh
ramona
this weekend was

ramona.

and yellow hats
and candy cane scarves
and shovels of snow
and tackling
and rolling
and snowball throwing
and missing
and hitting
and laughing

picture taking

and a warm
home cooked
meal

eff..
like...seriously?
who does that?
how does that kind of awesome still exist?

the kind of comforting warm environment
where matt let cindy and i even 'help' him
when all we did was stir the pasta while it boiled
en he let me chop the tomatoes (!)

and we all watched a movie afterwards
and jill made us cookies
and the evening ended with the rest of us
building
a fort

i kid you not

a fort <3

an amazing one

to protect us from ramona (the snowman/ray's valentine's) wrath

and playing 'honey i love you'
and laughing some more

then pillow talking with amy
on the benches sitting in the shower stall
cuz there was nowhere else to sit privately or quietly
and just caught up

then went to bed
and then got up to another warm feeling of home
and had a fun and low key car ride back
in time to sit and blog
with another day ahead of me tomorrow <3


i heart you, God @@

thank you so much for these people
thank you so much for You