lucky to have stayed where we have stayed

hmm
i'm almost back to eating normal sized meal portions again
i hope that doesn't take india further away
i've written out an official to do list, finally
and have been staying longer on the threadmill,
just because every time a certain time is up
i figure, well since im here i may as well do a lil more

and i wonder if that to do list will go to waste again
or what difference there really supposedly will be in life
change after change, decision after decision, and experience after experience later
im a little less restless, a little more relaxed
but the same level of productive
or lack of

i wonder why people hold hands
i wonder why i ask dumb questions that i,
dont necessarily not know the answer to
but love to hear other people's answers/
interpretations of

i miss--
...


so i really wanna learn how to cook some more
i sit here and look at random recipes, and wish it didnt take so much time
and ingredients i didn't have to make these things

i want to cook for people
and also find a healthier way to convert these recipes
so i can actually feed them to my family without guilt

i wonder if i should write in my private blog more
if thats what itll take to get nabi comments again =[

i miss her <3

i miss company, but i know i have em here

i think id rather--well, no
i dont mind thinking about it
but i think im gonna wanna stop
it doesn't bother me so much
as long as im not being flustered
but either way, there's not really much i can do from here
and also quite possibly not really much thats gonna happen from here

mm
i think im gonna make some hot chocolate
its kinda ironic since its probably still some temperature over a hundred outside

"look! i'm bald, i dont call myself excessively foreheaded syndromed."

haha tv <3

i think God's made it clear that
i'm exactly where i need to be
location-wise too

no more considering selfish decisions dern it.

i think ill make cinnamon buns for the family today =x.
disclaimer, nothing fancy
probably pre-made

hmm
i wish i could make pie for em again
it really woulda been nice to bake with justin
and it really was nice doing that reading with gabe =P
as sick as that sounds, it was fun =]

ive been talking to those two a lot recently
it really does make me thankful for project last year every time

and getting some really genuinely good convos with sonia
just seems to happen every time < 3
i dunno what it is,
SHE makes my "heart flutter" apparently xD

and i feel spoiled to be able to have yuki around
even if she is just doing hw or studying/dying
n n <3 i love--and do get the company

matt ing makes for some esteem building
if or when im able to understand any of the jokes
especially the quantum physics ones =P
and again just very good conversation

i cant wait to catch up with dana eventually
and i finally do feel kept up-ish with michelle
ill track down priya eventually
but things just feel..secure

im meeting stella/starting to talk to her =]
as well as talking more to yvonne,
which is kinda right up there next to amazing < 3

in addition to that i've had some good convos with family members
about relationships with my sis
cute girls at the boba place with my lil brother =P
the family with my mom
and rebellious days with my dad

Schrödinger's cat
midnight boba
jason mraz
phone dates
and lemon meringue pies

gasp!
an IM from Nabi now !! *_*

you love me the same

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable,
uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.

You are amazing God

All powerful,
untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim


You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable,
uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky
and You know them by name

You are amazing God

All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Indescribable,
uncontainable,

You placed the stars in the sky and
You know them
by name.

You are amazing God

All powerful,
untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim

You are amazing God

Indescribable,
uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky
and You know them by name.

You are amazing God

Incomparable,
unchangeable

You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same

You are amazing God

You are amazing God

'Indescribable'
by Chris Tomlin

a lot of reading lately..

Purity

"Matthew 15: 18-20

Initially we trust in our ignorance, calling it innocence, and next we trust in our innocence calling it purity. Then when we hear these strong statements from our Lord, we shrink back, saying, 'but I never felt any of those awful things in my heart.' We resent what He reveals. Either Jesus is the supreme authority on the human heart, or He is not worth paying any attention to. Am I prepared to trust the penetration of His Word into my heart, or would I prefer to trust my own 'innocent ignorance' ? ...as long as I remain under the false security of my own 'innocence,' I am living in a fool's paradise. If I had never been an openly rude and abusive person, the only reason is my own cowardice couples with the sense of protection I receive from living a civilized life...
The only thing that provides protection is the redemotion of Jesus Christ. If I will simply hand myself over to Him, I will never have to experience the terrible possibilities that lie within my heart.

Purity is something far too deep for me to arrive at naturally...

But when the Holy Spirit comes into me, He brings into the center of my personal life the very Spirit that was exhibited in the life of Jesus Christ, namely, the Holy Spirit, which is absolute unblemished purity."

-My Utmost for His Highest

Justification
"If you think of yourself differently than God thinks of you, who is mistaken, you or God? How often do we allow our minds to overrule what God says is true?"

Emotionally Healthy Relationships
"Healthy relationships are turned outward rather than inward. Healthy relationships encourage individuality rather than conformity and are concerned with independence rather than emotional dependence. Healthy relationships point one's focus to the Lord and pleasing Him rather than toward the friendship and pleasing one another.

How do we know when we've crossed the line from a healthy relationship to one that is emotionally dependent? When either party in the relationship:

• experiences frequent jealousy, possessiveness, and a desire for exclusivity, viewing other people as a threat to the relationship
• prefers to spend time alone with this friend and becomes frustrated when that does not happen
• becomes irrationally angry or depressed when this friend withdraws slightly
• loses interest in friendships other than this one
• experiences romantic or sexual feelings leading to fantasy about this person
• becomes preoccupied by the person's appearance, personality, problems, and interests
• is unwilling to make short-or long-range plans that do not include the other person
• is unable to see the other person's faults realistically
• becomes defensive about this relationship when asked
• displays physical affection beyond what is appropriate for a friendship
• refers frequently to the other in conversation; feels free to "speak for" the other
• exhibits an intimacy and familiarity with this friend that causes others to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in their presence"

- Search for Significance

Finally finished uploading all the India pics on FB!
Phone date with Michelle soon! =]
oh yeah! i got a random phone call from Matt Wang this morning
as small or random as that was, that seriously made my day so far

i love unexpected phone calls
the less rational or necessary the reason the better!

i miss phone calls just to say hello

dont people still do that?

oh technology/aim/fb keeping us from
as consciously realizing we miss people/
needing to contact them to fix it

i think this was probably why
phonecalls w/ daniel were always so fun

::Edit::

Just had my phone date phone call w/ Micheellleyy-poo

"But but..Hannah..there will be..PEOPLE there!"

"What kind of friend would I be if I let that happen to you?!"

"...Wait a minute, that says JULY."

"I'm..I'm...IM NOT CUT OUT FOR LIIIIFE"
"Yoouup~"

"Wisdom teeth...I'm sorry for your loss, mam."

"It's like I'm sitting here confessing all of my crazies at you."
"And I just sit here and laugh~"

"Or you couuuld..you know..go back to Daaviis..!"

"Sorry, sir, I probably won't talk to you after that.
I'll be too busy talking to people who are, you know...In DAVIS.
..Where you COULD be."

"I'm weaaaak..!"

"Just wasting away, mam. These are the BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE--and I am sitting heeere...waasting awaaayy..~"

"Yeah, I blog more. It's the only thing I have left to talk to."
"...Me too."

"Interaction with people?! Civilization! That just won't do!"

"Hold on a sec, my puppies are trying to eat my toes."
"You probably deserve it <>


"Not that I have any reason, or right, or place to be
. . .
WHYYYYY!!"

"Did you say that to him?"
"No, most of these things kind of just happen in my mind."
"...I see~"

"Hold on a sec--I'm trying to regain composure from senile-Hannah-dying-in-Arizona back to some sort of sensible Hannah who speaks full sentences and feels things in a coherent fashion."

So basically the most amazing like 30-something minutes of my life

PS: Good luck w/ finals =]
PPS: stop reading blogs & focus!

hmm..

Two weeks later...

It's only been two weeks later.

It feels like forever. (?)

And there's still...

so. much. to. do.

today will count....eventually.

I got like a bazillion things HALF-way done throughout the entire day @__@

It took the entire day to get more than partially finished with a lot of it. This in-between phase is driving me crazy. But it's the end of the day, and I was actually up in the morning. So I guess now let's see what I've accomplished? Or more like, all the things I've HALF-accomplished, but not finished still @@;.

Half-finished things:
-Talked to Yvonne/caught up a lil on AIM
(only half accomplished cuz she and I were sposed to catch up on the phone)

-Talked to Priya a lil on AIM
(AGAIN another should-be phone date, but she was busy w/ class stuff at the time I think).

-One more entry for India Processing posts
(it took literally ALL day, where I started writing this afternoon and just kept coming back to it till I could finally finish the post. And I STILL have only written about the airport so far.)

-Uploaded India pics in group account for Matt & Joy
(this is also a half accomplishment because not only did that also take all day, but I've been trying to post these same pics on FB for a week now but its been crashing on me every time I finish selecting all the pictures)

-Dishes, dishes, more dishes
(it never ends. < 3 )

-2 chapts of Search for Significance + a walk
(still more than half the book to go. plus, walking is a daily thing. i feel like an old lady w/ my 30 min walks =P )

-Phone convo w/ Kevin
(Well, this was actually yesterday. But STILL only partially finished, cuz I still have to call him again and tell him more about India.)

-Phone date w/ Marni
(this was done a few days ago, but it really was a blessing to have been able to do =]. Huh, maybe this one wasn't half done?)

-Message Dana to try to find a way to catch up/talk to heeer
(again done on a diff day, but still half done cuz she hasn't contacted me back yet. )

-Caught up w/ Alwin
(again, not done today. kinda been continually done gradually over the days, but its been nice =] ).

-Called Peter back
(Yeahh, still not done today, but I did it last week!)

-Went through and deleted 700 unread emails
(done today! they were driving Priya crazy xD )

Hmm..I..can't really think of much more =/. But I guess that's just the pace that summer goes? There's still plenty of things I need to do. But at the same time I think the bigger accomplishments that I didn't put on the list were things that didn't so much require my own work. Like..having a family breakfast together with my mom, dad, brother, aunt, and sis again finally =]. And having a failed lunch attempt with my mom, aunt, and dad where we all sat around after realizing no one had remembered to make the rice. Seeing my lil brother off for his first day of real school and getting a pic of him in his Scrub < 3 ! And even the simple act of brb-ing to finish doing whatever I had to do instead of dropping everything completely (well okay so did break for a lil while) over getting an unexpected IM. Oh! And must not forget, getting to catch up a lil more with Yuki and have a sit down-good conversation. Oh! And finally remembering that it was SONIA I had to tell stuff to, and telling her =]. (even figuring out the stuff to tell her at all was an accomplishment)

My sis reassured me too that its okay that I miss Davis, and that it doesn't make me an ungrateful family member to. I blame Justin's key lime squares that I dont get to taste, and the study parties I don't get to crash--er..participate productively in.

But who am I to complain? I get to eat yummy food here my mommy makes, and she even gives me tips so I can learn to make it for myself too =]. I just found the recipe Annie sent me to chicken tortillas in the process of cleaning out my mailbox, so that gives me what to make for dinner next for my family. My sister's friend really wants to hang out with me and invited us all to go out on Saturday, and that's pretty exciting too. I dont know...I think I'm just enjoying myself a lot here. I love my family. I'll probably never get tired of talking about them haha.


Before I forget, I need to write this down somewhere
Yes, yet another to do list to add to my never ending list of to do lists~

Summer:
-Finish Servant team & Small Group readings

• Search for Significance
• Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
• That one book..I..forgot..the name..to..=D
  
• The Small Group Binder
  

-Finish OTHER books I've already started but never finished

• Respectable Sins
• Captivating
• Mere Christianity
  

-Finish sending out the other half or 1/4 of thank you cards (buy stamps/get addresses!)

-Organize final email list, write, & send Follow Up prayer letter for India

-Finish a post for every day in India

-Finish uploading all the india pics on fb

-Upload the other set of pics before project ends

-Permit, Practice, & License @@

-Hang out w/ Arizona Epic Kids! =D

-Phone date w/ Priya, Michelle (tues), Yvonne, Stef (she doesnt know but I will eventually), Kevin (thats not a phone date D: ), Brenda, Jeanine, and maybe Natalie to go. Oh! And Daniel for sure =]

-Find an internship for next year/a PSC 199 class...

-Email Dwayne about that one application

Yaaayy, to do lists!
It feels like September already
...Ew o_o.
I take that back,
maybe I'd rather it didn't yet =D.

transition

doesn't that kind of sum up a lot of what college ends up being about?

i feel like i've been in transition this entire time,
from the time i graduated high school and through every year in college.
i feel like i'm in transition right now.

i wonder when the transitions finally reach whatever it is they're aiming to transition into, or if we're too busy transitioning into the next thing to notice.

i'm reading Search for Significance right now, and really, I've been going pretty slow and am still only on the 3rd chapter. I'm realizing how much of a distant in denial I am of a lot of things, like, how reluctant I am to admit to things wrong. Or even if I admit or acknowledge something as a big or pertinent issue to deal with...I just...don't? Or don't know how? Or both? Or maybe I do, but I just wont? Or maybe, I convince myself I -do- know how but will procrastinate to do it later..so I can put off finding out that...I actually have no idea what to do =D. Instead I continue on with the idea that everything is still under control, and that I will therefore very capably deal with it later.

so far its covered things like perfectionism, reluctance to take risks, and fear of failure. i've never acknowledged myself as even a -possible- perfectionist before, but some things hit a little closer to home than i feel comfortable with. especially the need to feel in control..apparently to the point where i'm deluding myself into thinking i know the answers to something that i don't (see above paragraph--yay.)

but every time i get to a point of thinking or even fearing that things aren't under control...i force myself back to where i was, having made the decision that it isn't the time, or i dont have the time to realize things aren't in control yet. i still need to keep -doing-, because somehow there's always so much to do. and then i just get frustrated when those things don't get done. but even then it's like a lazy frustrated, where i'm frustrated...but still going the same slow pace. some voice of reason in me reminds me its okay, that ill keep going my own pace. that my pace is alright, and that i don't need to be so hard on myself to be anything but what i'm capable of.

..is that right though?

i think its just nervewracking..or i just feel uneasy, being at such a stand still. at a really important one too, since i never get stand-stills. it's the only time i HAVE time and should be using that time productively. time with family is productive though, isnt it? and they keep insisting that i just rest too, which is nice =]. but i just dont want to be fighting off this guilty feeling all the time of like..i should be doing something right now dhlfjkdlsfjdg aaggghh.

i need to research grad schools, find an internship, apply even tho late to something, get my schedule in solid order, and learn to drive/get my license. its only like 5 things, but its going so...i don't even know. =/. i also need to finish reading like...4-5 books while im at it? and im tyring to learn to cook..plus lots of catch up phone dates. i think i should write a follow up letter too..plus im trying to get my re-written records of india down.


im still processing india.

im still in that transition of..processing the end of india...while the time is coming up for me to be processing the beginning of senior year and leading in servant team too. i need to acknowledge or begin to take more ownership of it as more than i have been if i expect to grow from this experience, gabe's kinda shown me that. i want to serve in any way i can, but at the same time i dont want the act of worship in my days to stop there in epic as a movement.

i want to incorporate it in everything i do. i want to have a purpose in my studies, internships, a better drive and new perspective on my work...i want to spend time with my friends, and have them not be afraid anymore of getting left behind while i bury myself in the things i think i should be doing instea.


along with that processing of school is also processing things with my family. i'm kind of the go-to person for...i'd say a lot..but..some things. just the person people wanna vent what's going on in their lives to, or what they're angry over or stressed and stuff. also, processing my place in the family and trying to insert the new word of the day of 'ministering' instead of just going through the motions of just getting by as a part of the family.

hm..

i think, ironically, im also a lil bit stressed or nervous over realizing that pressure of how much confidence my parents have in me...that ill be okay no matter what or that somehow ill be super super successful in whatever i do.

then throw in some other past issues that i didnt realize i still had to deal with that i've been suddenly smacked in the face with through some turn of events this summer. things i thought i was done dealing with but i guess is still having some repurcussions in my character now.

i wonder if im running away.
and i wonder how to stop.


"well i mean, what do we go to college for, right?
we go there to make a difference, well we're making one now here."-joe

...we go to college because we want to make a difference.


we transition through change after change after change of tons of differences.


what difference do i want to make?

or rather..
what difference does God want to make through me..
or what is God doing..
and how can i glorify Him in that honor of being able to be a part of that plan?

i want to live my days in worship.

i don't wanna go through the motions, i don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

i miss india.

i miss..worship.
i miss waking up each day
knowing that every moment im awake
and every effort i take
will be in worship
to serve Him
in anyway i can

teaching kids, gardening, interacting with others
even the meals i eat, the water i overdose on to drink
to respect the health You gave me
by trying to take good care of myself

the conversations i have,
every sincere smile, to every child
no matter how tired we may be
i miss..
spending my days
in worship.

i miss
living life
just for You


..i spent the whole day on this
i've spent
a lot of days on this.

trying to fix things
as if it was in my own power to
trying to rationalize, reason, fix
and regain -some- sense of control

i've dwelled on this all day
...

..Lord, which part of my day
Did I allow..
did I leave
for You?

How many days will I live
not bothering to be spent
in full, sincere,
God-seeking
worship?

past hurts

Lord,
You're worth more than that.

Lord God, You're worth
More
than any of this.

I want to come back to You.
Only then can I see what there is that needs fixing..
Only then can I realize that it's something,
that isn't in my ability
to fix

I'm more broken than I've acknowledged
More broken than I'd prefer to acknowledge
But not as unaware as I've tried to be
I've tried to ignore
so
many
things

Thinking that if I left them behind
Then it would mean I was a better person
and I was done with them, unaffected
or healed

All I've done is learn how to walk
as if I hadn't fallen before

All I've done is learned to look people in the eye
and cling to the security of thinking
that if i hold and keep their eye contact
then their eyes wont stray
to how broken everything else underneath

All I've done is shake my head
As if I wasn't part of picture of what went wrong
as if i had really, completely, left it behind
unaffected

All I've done is comfort, or advise
As if I didn't..need any comforting myself
and saying the words i need to hear myself
before giving someone else a chance
cuz i dont trust them to say the right ones

All I've done is averted my gaze
as if I was above, or didn't notice
that somewhere along
this 'successful' path
there was blood
that marked its remnants on the trail
from wounds
I forgot i had,
or thought was over
or got tired of
treating
and re-treating

i thought it was
just me
i was ignoring

But, Lord, I look down in terror
Heartbreaking fear
At the sight of blood
On my hands
that i realize
isn't
and hasn't been
my own

and instead what i had chosen to ignore
or not notice..
was not my blood
but Yours

i had chosen to ignore
and kept from looking down
to notice..
How healed
i've been left to be
Or should already have been

When I see the places
Where the wounds used to be
when i see the flesh
now closed, and clean

i had tried so hard
not to look down
for fear of facing these wounds
or admitting to have them

but Lord..

The blood
In my hands

are from the hands
that held mine

Your hands

And I look up

to see those wounds
that were once on my body
and every wound
i've ever inflicted on others, or myself
Placed instead
All over Yours


And I am upright
I am clean

maybe that's something
..i've always been afraid to be

And the blood and wounds
I thought I was ignoring
and were mine alone
...Were no longer my own
But Yours

When you took my shame
my burdens
my fears
and hurts

And told me
it was okay
..that I
was okay.

You took these wounds,
I've been so afraid to look at
or treat

You bore yourself

And instead all this time
Not only had I not been suffering alone
But you've actually..
Suffered..
More than I have

from these wounds
that i've left untreated

..that I've let these wounds go
untreated..for so long..
and refused to go back to them
..refused to come back for them

..refused to come back for a me
that i insisted on
leaving behind

a me that
all this time
You still
held in Your arms

waiting patiently for the day
when I can come to face..me..too
and not reject
But instead embrace her
as you have

and finally begin
or continue to

once again heal
the wounds
that weighed down my already healed body
and that weigh
so heavily
and painfully, gashed, and bleeding
from Yours

..and You smile at me -still-
And tell me

it's okay

and You place Your hand
Over mine
and You..
Hold my hand
and without letting go
invite me to join you
to begin..or continue
in treating these wounds
i've ignored for so long
by facing them
and go back to treating them
together

im no longer on my own
i never
really had to be

if i'd only let myself take a look
and instead of being afraid
of looking at something unfixably broken

i coulda realized sooner that i'd be looking down
and acknowledged
and given a chance to
the new creation
He'd always hoped for me to grow to be

and i coulda saved myself
a whole lot of bitterness
or defensiveness

and joined Him sooner
in tending to the wounds
i'd ignored for so long

i need to acknowledge how much these hurts
have shaped and molded
the character of who i am now

if i ever hope to not be hindered
by secret, or hidden fears
that i've been so foolishly thinking
could be hidden
even from Him

there's still so much growing to do

still learning

id say it took all night
but it probably started even just a couple hours
or minutes in

and i think its actually hit me
and i
dont really know
what to do with it but..
yeah

i think im upset =/
i think i really am upset

not really much of a way out of this one

this sucks < / 3

...

...i guess the things people regret
are the things they learn from the most?

..
jkdfhfdgdg
so this is what he meant.

eff.

"its in His hands"

that's what we keep telling ourselves
that's what i keep telling myself

i've been asked if it means something
and my own answer surprised me when i had to explain, yes, and why


i feel like God's always present, yeah? and always will be
but i just wish the thought of it, or that presence itself
didn't feel as distant as it did now


distant like a memory
or a 'last week'
or a 'next week'
thing

that either occured in the past or future, but for now
im still looking for
wishing, and hoping for

and miss
like..
a lot


but i -know-
and can tell at the same time how near He is
and is trying to be


=/


"it's in His hands"

when i say "it"
i've always in my mind referred to a situation
either the present condition or the outcome of a situation

-it's- always in His hands


i tried to explain this to Mandy
and while asking for clarification, she goes...
do you mean you're in His hands?

and i paused to think--wait
that would be an obvious yes...you would think
or a thought that..you would also think...i've thought before
which im sure, its almost a given in the back of my mind
and logically

but that sentence itself
that..-me-...my actual SELF...
that IM in HIS hands...

to actually..picture my -self- in His hands

...

is a whole different story

it wasn't what i meant


...but maybe it should have been included?
maybe it should have been included to begin with


i'm realizing just how good i am at dettaching myself to things
situations, people, and things...


just..
being there
but not

almost compartimentalizing

i can leave the situation in His hands
and like..wash my hands of it
leave it in His
and know
and believe that He's got it covered

i've been learning to be at peace with that

with letting go


...but to actually..
let..my -self- go..
to..not just touch or hold onto those hands for like..support..or guidance every now and then
or soemthing to hold..
but to hold onto those hands
as if
...
because

of having nothing left

and having let -everything else- go

and to put..
my SELF at risk..
my emotions
that i've gotten so good at dettaching
to put not just that image of me
but my actual self
and heart

on the line

to get hurt?

and then register
and know
that even then--it'll be okay?

....that's a whole nother story

....that's..
so much more growing
than i cant say

im not
completely
and positively
terrified of

so much more growing
that i can..
honestly be sure
i'd know how to handle

...but i guess
that's the point isn't it?

...i don't have to be the one to handle it

if i trust in Him

that He already is

summer at home

last night was my last night to have a legitimate reason to stay up late =x

anything after that will be counted as irresponsible

and today was the first morning-morning
i've gotten up...in the morning

to spend the day hanging out with my lil brother <3

but overall it was a fun time =]

we got boba and snacks and hung out
then went to the bookstore and read en talked a lil
afterwards we picked up groceries for my mom
then picked up my aunt and got a snack at mcdonalds
then went home to eat dinner

it was nice just hanging out, especially when my lil brother and i got to sit at the backseat together and car-sing our way home <3

its nice being with family again =]

and yes i realize most of these are probably one of those
"had-to-be-there" moments

but here we go anyway~

**dramatic pause/sing while pretending to cry*
"I hate this part right heere..I hate this part right here..."
**brother interrupts* "...But all the other parts are alright =D =D =D"

**sneaks up behind my mom while my dad isn't looking.*
**makes a gruesome crunching sound while pretending to do the martial arts head/neck twisty action on my mom*


**walks into my sisters room*
**super deep voice*
"Hey, babe. I miss you. It's lonely out there in Ninang's (aunt's) room without you."
". . .Are you done now?"
"=D Yes."
"...K, miss you too."
"Yaayy!"

opening up

i think
sometimes, even for just a split second
we're given the option
of how important
we want to choose
someone to be in our lives

we choose who to trust
how to open up
how much to open up
and whether we know it or not
have our reasons of why or why not
we chosen to open up to them (or not)

im probably just rambling
but i guess it takes a lot of faith in people too

but there's a kinda funny thing about faith, like what was randomly mentioned in hebrews 11 (it was in the history of biblegateway for some reason...and im gonna take that as enough of a God clue as im gonna get dern it)

It talks about all these people who "by faith" did a lot of things, sacrificed, and trusted, and etc...

but then in the end it goes on to say

" These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."
Hebrews 11: 39-40

i dont expect this entry to be very insightful, or thoughtful, or even coherent
or necessarily relevant..

all i really know is that somehow, that verse is what i've been left with

and its kind of a disclaimer that just because we do things by faith
doesn't mean we're gonna get what we want
or that things are gonna end up going our way, or the way we wish they would go
just because we've said the magic words.. that its in His hands

because saying something is in His hands

means letting go of whatever we thought was ours to rightly hold in our own hands
and even some things we missed that we didn't realize we shouldn't have been holding onto to begin with

or who knows,
maybe there was nothing wrong with holding onto it

or what you were holding onto itself

but that doesn't change the fact that it's not something that your own hands
necessarily have the full or more powerful right to hold

because giving it into His hands

means it no longer belongs to You


it needs to completely be not of you
for it to be fully of Him


and we're not necessarily gonna like the answers that come with that
...or that some of the questions that later arise

may not even get answers at all


just the response

a plead

a promise.

"Trust in -Me-"

His voice

should never be overpowered by our own

the in between phase

so..

just last night ray was telling me that if he were to visit my lil cousins 'next time'
whenever that is, they'd be too old
and i argued with him that they'd never be too old
and even when they get older
you just modify the conversation, and yeah
his argument was that before i knew it,
they'd be having boy and girl problems
and id hate coming over my aunts house then

see, i can handle boy/girl problems
im even excited to give em advice eventually if they ask


but little did i know--or at least
i completely didn't realize

that 'in the middle gap'
between kid stuff
and boy/girl stuff

....
which happens to be

the violent stuff.

today,

wrestling

was introduced into play time

...you have NO idea

how hilarious it is

to look up

and see adorable little ming ming

with her helpless lil squeal/scream

as she struggles to get out

while her older brother

. . .

headlocks her face into his armpit

**dies*

ohmgsh

xD

and then he went for andrew right after

ahahaha

that was funny too

andrew's adorable

before that, i was wrestling/having an all out fight

with like...ALL of his stuffed animals

it started with him trying to say hi to me with his whale

and he made it make a cute lil squeal-like hello sound

while he made it snuggled up to my shoulder

...and i grabbed it (the whale) by the throat

threw it down

and elbowed downwards onto its face

before turning around to sit on it

(Andrew's comment on what I was supposed to be yelling as I threw the whale down: WHAT?!)

so then he tried to throw the little whale at me to distract me

eventually Freezy (lil snowman plushie) was on my head

and at some point i was 'headbutted' by a pink snowball looking bunny

but even then i didnt let shuka (the whale) go

and then he disappears for a second (my lil cousin)

and returns with a gigantamous stuffed bear

(i was laying on the ground by now)

and drops it into a body slam onto my face

and i was like

dgkjlhfjlnjfkhguijh

AAAGGHH ANDREWWW--MINGGMIINGG SAVE MEEE

and thats where we left off--

with them being armpit headlocked by their older brother >>

eventually i challenged him to a belly button draw

where we rock paper scissored to see who would go first

and we each had three turns to do that one game on each other

where you try to find the other person's belly button with one poke

we did three paces and DRAW and everything

but we both missed every time

it was too funny anyway though

eventually i gave him back the whale

and armpit headlocked him myself <3 align="left">to avenge his little siblings

when he tried to retaliate ming ming yells
"hurry! lets go to the kitchen!

he cant use violence if we're around grown ups!"

and andrew and i cheered

"to the grown ups!"

and we ran downstairs to the kitchen

we lost andrew along the way

but we couldnt risk it

and left him behind

<<

he's a big kid

but anyway!

our mutual suffering made us a team

and ming ming later called a team meeting in her parents room

so we all put our hands in

...and kept it there the whole team meeting

the discussion topic was, as decided by ming ming

"lets talk about something random. Ate Hannah, you go first"

"Uh. My friend told me if you uppercut a tiger you can shoot fireballs from your fist. But what if you uppercut a man in a tiger suit? Do you just get really really hot hands? **Serious face.*"

kids: ". . ."

ming ming: "Okay, my turn."

ming ming: "So I asked my dad which vampire looked better. Robert Pattinson or Stephen Moyer. And he said--Robert Pattinson was too pale. So it looked more like he had constipation."

". . .I see."

". . .**still just as polite and sweet as ever--but hilariously distraught* Ate Hannah--could you please stop?!?! T_T"

<3>

Oh yeah--then I had to break it to them after that that I had recent news from the top

(their mom)

That wrestling or any form of physical violence was from then on forbidden

Unless it was on a bear

Andrew: "What about a lion?"

...Or a lion

Ming ming: "What about a baby lion cub?"

Well...you'd have to answer to its mother right after if you did

Ming ming: " What about pillows?"

Pillows never did anything to you, Ming.

Ming ming: "They..they teased me?"

...Pillows dont talk. Omgsgh. Ming ming.

. . .

You're...You're crazy aren't you?!

..You..

You're crazy!

"Aahh! Wait! No Im not!"

**Proper tickling punishment ensues.*

Mmkay

Thats all for now I guess.

Oh yeah <3.

And I taught them the Hadouken

>> **Cough*

Their mom didn't specify any rules against that?

water

i've never been so thirsty

or that i actually -am- thirsty
is surprising enough

i've always been dehydrated =x
priya can tell you that, since even just a lil bit of water
would end up making me super too full to finish my food every time

i think india was actually ironically the most hydrated i've been
or out of fear of dehydration had to be
in my life
D:


and now im sitting here
and i just got back from buying a gallon of water from safeway
and contemplating if i should get another one
even tho ill only be here in davis for like another day and a half

i've also never been so simultaneously afraid of
and in need of/wanting company at the same time


i should be excited to talk about india
and i am

but theres SO much
that i dont know what to do/where to start

and im a little scared over talking too much
or rambling about the useless things, or not as significant things
or too much about the big meaningful ones
at the same time am afraid of sounding like im preaching
or know something or am anything different than anyone else
or anybody else knows, or like i dunno
i dun wanna sound like im necessarily any better of a person
or enlightened or like i dunno

i mean of course i wish i was
and ive definitely learned a lot..or am learning


nabi's dad was right though, for one thing

...maybe this has changed my life
im afraid if it did
i wish that it would
i wish that it could

"this trip changed my life"

..

i wish i could say it more confidently

..i want to look for something meaningful

or keep looking?
instead of trying to idolize little things in their place

dont get me wrong
i am still
absolutely in love with the little things <3
but little things like..little joys
and little things..like little things
are more different than i thought

for such a short period of time--
i didn't realize there would be so much adjusting that had to be made after coming back

in india, it felt like every hour of every day was taken up
or had to be taken up
to be as productive as possible
with the short amount of time we had there to work

for some reason though im tired
its harder to sit still
went to church, lunch with teammates,
i finished my unpacking
then repacked a lil bit
then sat on the couch for like ten seconds
then got up to take a walk
went to safeway for water
went back
and decided to update/process again

basically im just feeling more of a need to be getting up and walking around
but also looking for meaningful conversation

i keep wishing nabi was on
and am excited to get to talk to yuki too

im surprised that it turns out my stomach
actually needs to adjust for the food -here-
o_o

i thought since its what i usually eat, itd be fine
but its still like...uber different i guess

that along with wanting more water
and not being able to handle as big of meals

i mean--even the airplane food was an adjustment D:

what am i putting my poor tummy through ;-;


hmm
i was up till 4:30 last night cuz i had to take my malaria medicine
but i re-read the label so tonight i think ill just drink milk with it instead of eat food
so i feel less uneasy over just going to bed and setting an alarm
plus i dont have to wake up for anything tomorrow so itll be fine sleeping in

my aunt is so understanding over needing rest before seeing her kids @@
and i think i need some one on one time with God
AND myself before willing myself to see large crowds of people

im getting more comfortable with my own decisions

and less comfortable in anything even vaguely my size in clothes
since i've gotten used to it being SUPER okay, and required to wear nothing but
huge, loose fitting clothes that conceal everythingg
if it wasnt for bed time
id probably forget what my shins looked like

and in anything not as big as my huge potato sack indian dress/tops
i feel smaller in comparison

but of course thats just what i see
...
but also of course, that should be what matters
right? =]

hmm
still sleepy
i wonder if i should nap

i didnt used to really care much or feel myself as very affected by jetlag
and thought 2 weeks wouldnt make too much of an effect
...12 and a half hour time difference though
who does that??

i think ill take a nap
yuki just signed on though
and i hope i dont wake up too late if i do
so i have energy to hang out with people tonight

is there anything else that needs to be done..?

i dont want to get tired/overwhelmed with talking to people
but at the same time im sure i miss them a lot
ive been pretty introverted/quiet/processy for a while now
even during the trip i reserved a lot of my energy
so i could be super uber more happy i think arond the kids

..i really miss them
and

im still thirsty

filling the gaps

...everything
or "everything's" that took up so much thought time before
feels kinda less interesting now for some reason
they seem so much further away
or less relevant or
..something

im listening to songs, or thinking of them
and thinking of how when i listened to them before
it was more like pretending to be in a place
or visualizing that place in my head
where as now
i feel like i've actually touched
or been in the picture of some of those places
that were only hypothetical images before


im saying all this though
and feel blessed to have had the ability to touch
and be in those places
with those people..

but..it doesn't necessarily..
it doesnt
at all
make me any better
than anyone else who hadn't
i guess is what im trying to say


if anything it just..

makes me
more and less afraid

i guess an example would be like
the difference of looking at those pictures
of those kinds in the donation forms or something
or commercials, or people holding out their hands

to actually seeing them in person
holding their little hands
and seeing them smile
and realizing
the weight in your own heart
and significance
and sincerity
of smiling back
when you realize they've started to reach out
for your hand
all on their own now

there's recognition there

you of them
and them of you

the second half

completes the circle

and fills in the blank
of the gaps that made you hesitate before
on if you were doing these things
because you thought they were morally
the 'good person' thing to do

to these things
these people, these children
actually -mattering- to you
and you wanting
and needing
to do something
wanting to do
anything you can

to see their smile again

and feeling the significance
of knowing that that smile is genuine

even with the awareness
of that weight in your heart
of knowing
from where
and what brokenness
that smile
is still able to show through


im catching myself asking myself questions like
..when you say orphan, does it really register itself for what it means?

and realizing how much for a long time i hadn't

..what would it feel to have

absolutely
no one

out there for you in the world?



im more

and less

afraid

more afraid
cuz its real,
and of my ability to handle that

or be of any significance
and fear in doubting my own ability
to keep the significance of that sincere


less afraid
realizing even more

that He's real

...He -has- to be

after seeing what was there
and the hope that keeps everything there
alive, and significant
hopeful, joyful, peaceful
without feigning ignorance to the brokenness

hardship, pain, unfairness, and suffering
went on
and existed
and exists

but hope somehow exists right alongside it

..that has to mean something

i know it does.