transition

doesn't that kind of sum up a lot of what college ends up being about?

i feel like i've been in transition this entire time,
from the time i graduated high school and through every year in college.
i feel like i'm in transition right now.

i wonder when the transitions finally reach whatever it is they're aiming to transition into, or if we're too busy transitioning into the next thing to notice.

i'm reading Search for Significance right now, and really, I've been going pretty slow and am still only on the 3rd chapter. I'm realizing how much of a distant in denial I am of a lot of things, like, how reluctant I am to admit to things wrong. Or even if I admit or acknowledge something as a big or pertinent issue to deal with...I just...don't? Or don't know how? Or both? Or maybe I do, but I just wont? Or maybe, I convince myself I -do- know how but will procrastinate to do it later..so I can put off finding out that...I actually have no idea what to do =D. Instead I continue on with the idea that everything is still under control, and that I will therefore very capably deal with it later.

so far its covered things like perfectionism, reluctance to take risks, and fear of failure. i've never acknowledged myself as even a -possible- perfectionist before, but some things hit a little closer to home than i feel comfortable with. especially the need to feel in control..apparently to the point where i'm deluding myself into thinking i know the answers to something that i don't (see above paragraph--yay.)

but every time i get to a point of thinking or even fearing that things aren't under control...i force myself back to where i was, having made the decision that it isn't the time, or i dont have the time to realize things aren't in control yet. i still need to keep -doing-, because somehow there's always so much to do. and then i just get frustrated when those things don't get done. but even then it's like a lazy frustrated, where i'm frustrated...but still going the same slow pace. some voice of reason in me reminds me its okay, that ill keep going my own pace. that my pace is alright, and that i don't need to be so hard on myself to be anything but what i'm capable of.

..is that right though?

i think its just nervewracking..or i just feel uneasy, being at such a stand still. at a really important one too, since i never get stand-stills. it's the only time i HAVE time and should be using that time productively. time with family is productive though, isnt it? and they keep insisting that i just rest too, which is nice =]. but i just dont want to be fighting off this guilty feeling all the time of like..i should be doing something right now dhlfjkdlsfjdg aaggghh.

i need to research grad schools, find an internship, apply even tho late to something, get my schedule in solid order, and learn to drive/get my license. its only like 5 things, but its going so...i don't even know. =/. i also need to finish reading like...4-5 books while im at it? and im tyring to learn to cook..plus lots of catch up phone dates. i think i should write a follow up letter too..plus im trying to get my re-written records of india down.


im still processing india.

im still in that transition of..processing the end of india...while the time is coming up for me to be processing the beginning of senior year and leading in servant team too. i need to acknowledge or begin to take more ownership of it as more than i have been if i expect to grow from this experience, gabe's kinda shown me that. i want to serve in any way i can, but at the same time i dont want the act of worship in my days to stop there in epic as a movement.

i want to incorporate it in everything i do. i want to have a purpose in my studies, internships, a better drive and new perspective on my work...i want to spend time with my friends, and have them not be afraid anymore of getting left behind while i bury myself in the things i think i should be doing instea.


along with that processing of school is also processing things with my family. i'm kind of the go-to person for...i'd say a lot..but..some things. just the person people wanna vent what's going on in their lives to, or what they're angry over or stressed and stuff. also, processing my place in the family and trying to insert the new word of the day of 'ministering' instead of just going through the motions of just getting by as a part of the family.

hm..

i think, ironically, im also a lil bit stressed or nervous over realizing that pressure of how much confidence my parents have in me...that ill be okay no matter what or that somehow ill be super super successful in whatever i do.

then throw in some other past issues that i didnt realize i still had to deal with that i've been suddenly smacked in the face with through some turn of events this summer. things i thought i was done dealing with but i guess is still having some repurcussions in my character now.

i wonder if im running away.
and i wonder how to stop.


"well i mean, what do we go to college for, right?
we go there to make a difference, well we're making one now here."-joe

...we go to college because we want to make a difference.


we transition through change after change after change of tons of differences.


what difference do i want to make?

or rather..
what difference does God want to make through me..
or what is God doing..
and how can i glorify Him in that honor of being able to be a part of that plan?

i want to live my days in worship.