my closet overfloweth

the more correct term would be "runneth over"
according to wikipedia, that is.
but it just doesn't quite produce image
i'm trying to convey in my mind
and of what's right in front of me
every morning i wake up
somehow convinced that i have nothing to wear
when the drawers in front of me
aren't even able to close perfectly all the way
because of the excess of their contents
some of which, are folded on top of the drawers themselves

its something im probably ashamed of--
having this many to begin with, that is
it's something i wish people wouldn't know about me
and am self conscious for when people do
its even worse when its bad enough that people would feel the need to comment
then compare it to their simplistic lifestyle
that i not-so-secretly envy so much already


i feel a lil more easily justified when i remember
that clothes are a means of expression, and art too
that justification feels a lil more like rationalization
when i find myself with two or three other coats tabbed on my bookmarks
when i can barely fit the four or five or (shame) maybe even six i have now


im fine with a simple life,
i really, really am

i dont need a huge house
(itd be harder to clean > > )

or a fancy car
(it'd be too much pressure to drive D: )

or even a fancy phone
(i doubt id invest much time in discovering/making use of the apps anyway
...though i do think that the facetime feature is pretty snazzy)

or ipod
(i make do with the shuffle,
its easier to run with
and sturdier too)

i dont even need a fancy shmancy job
or suit-every-day-wearing career
(even if one of my few dreams about being a grown up
was basically to have my own office--
to be honest i feel like thatd be kinda lonely now D:
and a cubicle just seems easier to loop strings in a can through
as a high tech means of communication
with hopefully good humored co-workers)

eff, i even prefer the store brands substitutes to food
like "thin wheats" over wheat thins
cuz its less crunchy than the real thng
and therefore less effort to chew/eat
(^prime example of ultimate laziness)

even in restaurants
seldom will i find it worth it
to even beeee interested in the expensive meals
(id rather take my own hyperventilating time in the kitchen
trying to figure out how to work with steak despite my secret fear/
natural aversion to touching meat...
than to pay what could buy like eight or nine bobas
for a single steak at a restaurant)

and even when it comes to clothes
which i will admit are a secret--
(im kind of revealing a lot of those in this entry D: )--
and very guilty pleasure...
i dislike it instantly if its expensive

...all this to say
uh.
im only venting cuz i found cute clothes
and sad over knowing that no matter how much i love them
i ultimately cannot buy them
(also as an attempt to reprimand myself from buying them)

done wasting your time,
hannah

words are fleeting

...is something wrong?

im so tired of running.
but ive forgotten what its like
to enjoy the walk.
i breathe in, cold inhale after inhale
of crisp winter air.
silent exhaled sobs,
i look straight ahead.
even i dont hear them.
but when i finish--
im relieved
i feel a little further

from me.

convince me, i'm alright

1 Corinthians 13

¹ If I speak in the tonguesof men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^" but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.

But the greatest of these is love.

Romans 5: 1-8

¹ Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^a]" have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^b]" boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we^" also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

⁶ You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷ Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. ⁸ But God demonstrates His own love for us in this:

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

1 Corinthians 1:26-31

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise;

God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

God chose the lowly things of this world

and the despised things—

and the things that are not—

to nullify the things that are,

so that no one may boast before Him.

It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.

Therefore, as it is written:

“Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”

...that loneliness will subside.

who do i think i am

ive honestly wondered that a few times,
and sincerely considered it just recently

i feel like im standing on shaky ground sometimes.

how do i know that i'm secure or as mature in the places that i think i am....as i think i am?

when am i being confident,
and when am i acting out of brokenness?

when am i rebuking in love--
and when am i calling out inappropriately
and speaking out of place?

how do i know that the 'wisdom' i so insistently offer
is even wisdom or any good of advice or understanding at all?

i've never considered myself wise myself
but i am confident in the things that i talk about
as far as feelings or emotions or relationships go--

but recently, when it's come to myself
i've been a little more unsure

when you find yourself called out on things you'd never realized about yourself before
you kinda wonder about all the things you thought you knew to begin with
am i really confident, or am i running away?
am i standing up for something
or am i following a similar breaking pattern
that's broken me and people around me before?

how do i know i have anything to offer?
when i'm so spent and have so little left of me to even communicate


i'm doubting
everything
sometimes.

i think i just need to find--and act on understanding
the value of sleep and rest and good health
and the impact it makes on my understanding
and perception of the world around me
and my confidence in the eyes
that i perceive them in

sometimes i've shut down
too far for my own good intentions
to be anything more than ignored by
sometimes i feel like i am just fine
but am apathetically sitting somewhere
way too far to reach


i've insisted on it.

i think i need to stop thinking
im the one who knows myself best
and remember the One
who really does.

and has forgiven me for it.

...and maybe begin following His example from there.

every day

if things work out
the way they're 'supposed' to

then i'd have women shelter volunteer..12pm-8:30 pm fridays
rehab drug treatment facility shift 6:30am-3:00pm the next day, sat & sun
sleep in day on monday, but crisis line shift 1pm-5pm
(followed by catalyst 7pm-9:30sh pm)
which leaves my tues-thurs
open to divide up the 15 hrs of work
for my newest part time marketing assistant job
(thankfully close/in davis)

rinse and repeat--
(hopefully im rinsing more than weekly,
if we're talking bout showers here)
and begin again on fridays

rest?

erm.
well...i'd have more time than my typical 8am-5pm on sundays?
hangouts on fridays would have to just be earlier/some sorta brunches...
um. id get to sleep in on mondays?
and in theory fridays...

i wouldnt be able to be out much anymore fridays,
which honestly makes me pretty sad...
not that i coulda done much at night anyway,
since my work is at 6:30 the next day

..it's still...do-able though?
and id still have time for evening calls w/ ray
and just last week i went out on a friday at 9?
the latest id be able to sleep is midnight on sat and fri =[
w/ ray on sat, that means id hafta sleep a lil earlier too..
but to be honest, i havent been able to sleep early for the 6:30 shifts
at all. anyway? not yet so far, at least...

id just need to make sure to be more responsible
about sleeping early starting on friday night
so even if i stay up a lil later on saturday
ill stll be able to live a lil bit the next day
plus id even still have the option of napping (hah)
on sunday if i wanted--or basically just resting sooner
i could read, i could watch a movie, i could hang out the way i didnt on friday
if ray wanted to he could even visit then instead

...i could quite possibly...even sabbath?

...ray said
"im confident that things will work out."

..that means a lot to me.
it means a lot for me to hear, from someone
who means a lot to me to begin with.

when i'm faced with changes
and things im unsure of
anxiety and doubt.

...to have someone be confident for me--
be confident in me. even when im finding it hard to
...means a lot

and i know i need to take that realization
and apply it to my relationship with God
and know that He knew
more than anyone
what big and small
ridiculous, important, random, or silly things
i would be getting myself into

...and He is the one who tells me
the most sincerely
"I am confident
that things will work out"

...and that
He will make sure of it. <3

little things

if you run away for the 'little things'

...how do i know
you're not gonna do the same for the big ones?

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will you remember that fight
2:30 am
when everything starts slipping right out of our hands

when i run out crying
will you follow me out
into the streets?

ill brace myself for the goodbye
because it's all we've ever known

will you take me by surprise
and know not to leave me alone?

...and You said

"do you remember how you felt sitting by the water?
and every time I look at you, it's like the first time
I fell in love with the careless man's careful daughter

I am the best thing,
and you'll always be Mine."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

every once in a while,

i'm terrified.

"...but we're still learning."