"because when you're wildly in love with someone..."

"...it changes everything."

"'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and,
Even if you don't want to speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me.
'Cause I want nothing more
than to sit outside Heaven's door
and listen to you breathing,
Is where I want to be."

God's grace...

• blossoming relationship with my little brother, in trust and in companionship.
• relations between me and my sister, which has also gone a long way. her trust in me and who i am. her patience, and her growth.
• that i can be stronger than i thought i could be, than my parents ever thought i could be, than seemed or than would be possible with my own strength. and, as implied, i dont have to do it on my own or try to anymore.
  
• my parents being one of the main examples of love and grace that i've experienced in my life.
  
• friends who sincerely want to be a part of my life, and will allow me to be a part of theirs.
• blossoming friendships in epic, the solidification of a genuine community of believers, at least for myself.
  
• the growth and maintaining of new and old friendships: priya, michelle, ray, gabe, justin, sorta daniel, marni, beth, stef, jeanine, wendi, jill, mandy, jesse, renata, vickie, brianna, elena, matt wang, matt ing, annie, kristin, angela, brian sattler, briggs, dana, YUKI, my parents, NABI, my aunt and uncle, ming ming, alex, andrew, ashley, chrissy...list will go on.
  
• that my little brother prays.
• that priya and i can ask each other to pray for each other
• that michelle is still someone i can be a complete kid around
• that there is somehow still food on the table every day, a roof over our heads, warmth, and the desire to give and to love. and to never hold back, and to help, in any way we are able.
• the desire for growth.
• the hope that there IS more than this.
• questions, that need answers..from renata and jesse, my lil brother, and etc.
• that ray's parents dont hate me, and are amazingly warm people i can feel myself able to slowly get more comfortable around.
  
• hm. raymond gao, himself.
  
• that priya and michelle still ring as such a secure and reliable, huge, and sincere part of my life.
• that the same goes for yuki and nabi, even after all these years.
• that my aunt's family in elk grove has so warmly and sincerely welcomed me as a closer part of theirs.
  
• that marni has finally found her way to progress and grow, and is taking braver and braver steps of faith. that i can be allowed to witness that and be inspired by my friend's journey.
• that i have the opportunity--the blessing, to be inspired by the journeys of such an amazing group of people and community around me, both in epic and in life in general.
• that dandelions are beautiful and tapioca pearls are nummy =].
• that dan tat actually CAN come in a bigger size--yay for the bakery michelle showed me!
• that running is exhilirating, even if mine is more of a slow old lady jog.
  
• that writing is amazing. and ive been blessed with the literacy to do so, and the words to try to.
  
• that im not the only one remembering little details of things, like lined paper love, by myself
• that my dad loves me. and he tells me so, every day.
• that my mom can be herself around me.
• that my family laughs. and we do. a lot =]
  
• that i can, in any way, not be too much of an additional burden to my parents
• that even when i am, and a very heavy and unreasonable one at that, that they love me anyway. and dont hesitate to tell me so, first.
  
• that gabe IMs like, every day. that makes me happy dern it.
• that priya "AMAZING PERSON EVER" bassan is my roommate. take THAT, world.
  
• that i get mike's humor. and it almost never fails to make me laugh. even secretly, or at my own expense D:.
  
• that jeanine is in davis. dhgjbgjkdg!! i REPEAT. that JEANINE TAN is. IN. Davis!!
• that i love what i study, and i get to study what i love.
  
• that its ok if i dont have it all figured out yet right now.
• that dandelions disperse wishes in the form of angel-winged looking fairies even when they die.
• that yuki is my friend. and part of me--if not all of me--can actually say with confidence that ive never dared to have, that i think, maybe-- she always will be.
• that i have friends who would go out of their way, to give me rides to places en stuff--even just cuz i mentioned off hand that i wanted to see people, and then they invite me to hang out
• that i have a best friend who will go out of his way to not just study with me, after a horrendously cold 10 minute bike to my place--but who would do so, even when he didn't even have anything to study, and just for the sake of being there for a friend =]
• my puppies being adorable enough to also be part of the family.
• my lil brother going to school.
• my sister managing a job
• my aunt is still here
• that despite it, my gramma can still laugh or smile
• that my kids (alex, andrew, and ming ming) still like telling bed time stories
• that i've been able to watch these kids grow, and get to be there with them, TO tell bedtime stories. bake cookies. play freeze dance. and watch movies.
• that they still laugh at my silly jokes--or are still convinced that i hate purple enough for it to burn every time they make me touch it...which they do, or andrew does. a lot.
  
• that arizona has brought my family closer instead of further, and that hearing my parents voice on the phone happens often enough that its both familiar enough to be part of my almost every day in davis, yet important enough that even if it ends up being just asking 'how are you' over and over is worth the time to stop my day and tell them..and amazingly, they can do the same for me, and trust me even when the answer isn't "fine"
  
• that tomorrow today is christmas eve. and we get to spend it as a family.

that i know, no matter how extensive my list is,
it'll still never be long enough to cover
how much evidence
of God's grace
there really is,
in my life
and in others' around me.
whether we take the time to stop
to think, and to realize it or not
take the time
to stop
and really, sincerely,
look to Him first.

i want to know what it means,
to live what it means..
to be in love
with You, Lord.

and have all
that i am
someday be,
a reflection of that.

so i'm helping my lil brother clean his room today...

[sorting through/folding his clothes]

-"See this, Ate Hannah? This is my MAN-shirt. I wear it when I wanna feel MAN-ly. "
-"What's so manly about it?"
-"Look at it! It has thunderbolts, skulls, and rattlesnakes!"
-"GASP, and a PEACE SIGN--just to confuse them with a false sense of security?!"
"NO. Cuz of HIPPIES. Hippies are vicious, Ate Hannah. They get pretty violent.
They're not as peaceful as they pretend to be."

...i < 3 this kid. =]

-"...All it's missing is a clown on a unicycle."
-"Keep folding already D:. "

blank pages

...i think
overall..
i miss people


i think..
over all
i'm scared
to miss people

of being disappointed.
in myself.

of failing,
cuz i know--

i'll have to
a few times
in the process
of learning

(and failing
isn't usually
super fun)

so i guess

over all

im afraid


...of things

...that i probably

shouldn't..
shoulder
to be
afraid of.

...cuz they're not
in my hands

to fix, or comfort, or heal

..but instead, exposed, in my heart

for Him to take
into His

so that
He
may save.
heal.
comfort.
make right.
and
redeem.

captives, bound, and broken hearted

He is the Lord.
He is the Lord.

...love is here.

Completely to You.

I'll stand.
With arms high
and heart abandoned.

in awe
of the One who gave it all.


I'll stand.
my soul, Lord, to You
surrendered.

all
i am
is Yours.

what about now?
what about today?
...before it's too late.
what about now?

"it shouldn't feel like something is missing."

that's how we live,
that's how we try.

...

i think i'm

running.

out of my own words
that i can say.

and this is the result.

i thought i was braver than this

i don't know if i'm ready.

...i don't know if i'm ready to be.

"I came apart inside a world
Made of angry people
My feet like bricks under water
I need oxygen..."

what it means to be practical

"You don't have to think about the money first,
we want you to do what makes you happy."

"You need to do what you love.
Making a lot of money is useless if you hate what you do.
You need to do something that will make you happy.
Worry about the money later."


"Well, of course we expect you to be practical.

(If you can get paid more for doing what you love to do,
there's nothing wrong with that...

Like if the president offered you a job to work for him for lots of pay,
you can tell him you'll ask your dad about it. But then if he says,
I'll give your dad a high paying job too.
...Then you can tell him you'll think about it =D) <-- [*cough* lol]


We just don't want to worry about if you're going to survive or not.
But if you're going to survive, you might as well be happy."

"You can do it.
You've done it for three and a half years.
I know you can do it for another."

"Don't think of it as scary, think of it as more exciting.
Maybe it might be a little harder.
And, yes, anything can happen now.
But that can just make things even more exciting. =]"


"We're not going to be disappointed in you, baby.
We know you can do it.
You're a very strong young woman."

"We believe in you."

...to believe in Him.

adventure day saturdays.

...i can't wait < 3
=].

translation

in short.

no schedule = thoughts no longer fenced in

to the structure
of that schedule
to think about
what I'm supposed
to think about
at that hour
in those blocks of time.

it decides
where it wants to go

i just wish
it would come back
D: and study
with me

...that and my attention span
rivals that of a goldfish
a (though) very adventurous, probably senile one
that never left its little bowl
(filled with balloons and playpen balls)
but cant seem to stop talking about the ocean
and talking like a pirate, or a child

and singing songs
it insists
need to be heard.

dear blog,

i am tired
of pretending

i am too cool for mind wandering during finals.


when its probably, actually

when my mind ends up
wandering
the most =x.

**publishes shamelessly.*

someone else's mirror

hmm
i want to wake up one day, and all of the sudden be.

i want to be

the person

i've always wished
i could be

but i wonder..
is that worth
the possibility

of losing
the ability
to dream?

or instead,
does it underestimate
the painful diligence
and hope-filled wonder
with which a person
persists,
thriving on
their ability

to keep on
dreaming?

prichelle

". . . You're not Michelle!!"

my roommate gets me
...and that makes me really happy =]
that is all < 3

bad day.

...but who am i to say that?


i feel like a bully
or some sort of uppity figure
of mock authority

it almost sounds like
an owner
scolding a puppy

but who am i to
reprimand the day
itself?


i guess on the other hand

there's taking ownership

owning up
to mistakes
irresponsibilities
and wrong
decisions

there's growing up

and admit


but growing up
could also
mean

realizing

when it isn't

your fault

or when there really just isn't
anything
you can do about it
now


and moving on

a better person

or at least
still willing
to keep trying
to be

instead of
staring down
at the ground
where you last
tripped
and


fell


look up


to the road
ahead


so you dont

do it
again


look up

and remember

the sun
still shines

even behind
dabs of
grey
painted
clouds


the sky is still

blue

beyond

the layer


of mostly

man-made

fluff.

"i think..that love
is whatveer we believe it to be at that time
because if it's something we believe in,
then it becomes what's real to us
because at the time
it's the only
reality
we know."

...

i think i'll give this day

another chance < 3


i want to take ownership
of whats my responsibility to hold
but as for the things
out of my control

that's when i need to start letting go,

and giving the day back
to Whom
it belongs.

like today never happened

i think
i think

...a lot
when maybe

i know

i shouldn't?

...nah.

more like.

its finals week.
and these are when
my thoughts should be
filled with
books
and names
and notes
and pages
and stress

but instead


im just


...

filled

with thoughts.

pushing
against

a shut
mouth

faint sound
of nothing

while i chew
on my almost
chapped lips

silent
exhales
quieter
inhales

words


spilling

out of my

drumming
twiddling
tinkering

fussy

fingertips



im filled
with
thoughts.

has anyone ever noticed?

how the sound of leaves
being blown across the ground
sound like a clatter of far away applause
from a distant
audience

encoring
diligently
as if demanding
to hear more

an empty room looks like
it's waiting, almost hoping
for people to
come back

and Christmas
tastes like peppermint
on steaming
smooth sips of
hot chocolate


everyones
muttering
reciting
mumbling
whispering


i want to

scream

i want to

laugh

i want to


exist





one
more
time



i want to
fall


knowing


there is something
there
to catch me


a pile of leaves

forgotten


they havent
been jumped in
for days.




boots
sneakers
flipflops(?!)
trudging
importantly

through autumn



my time

is not


any


more


important




than yours




...im still typing.


but the truth is


i just want to
hear.

you.

reciting
mumbling
stressing
and muttering




no..not that one



but laughing
explaining
stumbling
and crying
with a smile
on your face
and a far away
stare


because you know
if you keep looking
that
far away
or that
close up
that your nose
almost
touches
the polished
textbook pages


that your thoughts


could disappear

like pencil lead
crushing
into a soft
padded
cushion

of graph
and line
paper


your thoughts could



disappear



and if you look
far enough
away


that we'll look

the same

direction
and away

from meeting

your crying eyes


panic
stress
unsureness
the unknown
joy
excitement
and fear





i want to

stop

and listen

i want
to hear

you.

let's grow old

...together < 3

i feel like its the only way
we'll ever remember
how young
we really, still are

=]

2.87

i think.

people assume

im...
a lot of things.

...what if they're wrong?

as flattering as
those assumptions
may be

what an unpleasant surprise
that leaves
for me to
be

if i were to
someday
end up

caught.

being me

(even though technically..
its been me
the whole time)

whatever that was meant
or not meant
to be.


whoever
they thought
they saw
but couldn't
see

but does this really
give you any clearer
of a picture?


this doesn't.
these wont.
these will not.

none of these.

will

define me.

only You.

"can i say something really selfish?"

"...can you be in my life more?"

..and that just
broke

my heart.

----

i think i could have
cried.
almost
did

..i wonder if a part of me did.

to the point where
i had to do
all i could

not

to

cuz part of me wondered
if i started

if id
be able

to stop?

not just really like..for her
well, also large part for her
but for all the times
and all the people
i keep saying
or promising
to spend time with

i keep saying
and promising

are important

in my life

but just
dont
show it.

i dont follow through
i dont..have the time?
make the time?

the energy
to love.
that.
much.


so much.

and i do..i really, really do


but what do i do
when mornings start at 8 or 9
and dont end till
10..at the earliest

12? 1?

what do i do
when they do end
or when they gap
but i dont have the energy
to do much more
than breathe

if i can

and have some of those breaths
be silent,
and to myself

be in prayer

instead of to
another person

be...blank


instead of
constantly
processing,
for more words
to make things
make sense
somehow
make myself
or others
make sense

what do you do
when days
dont

end?


i think maybe im just really tired
and i think maybe, i really am just sick right now
and that might be whats talking

but still, no matter how drained it feels
in between meetings, phone alarms, conversations, phonecalls, and tea

i know
that i could do nothing
if it really was
just all
on my own


"..i think it's amazing.
that you would just..have the energy, or take the time
to meet with so many people in a day
that you WANT to do it.
i think it's amazing."


..my journal's running out of room
and i hope the internet never dies, and takes my memories with it

cuz really, really
these are what ends up counting
or mattering at the end of the day

id hate when i start forgetting
where these words came from
or what they mean

..because they really, really..
mean a lot to me.

i know i should be studying

i also think my hands are
waayy too cold

and i just woke up from an hour long nap
but wish i could cuddle up under blankets
and do it again

i wonder if its weird that i prefer to
on other people's beds, or floors

maybe i need a comfier bed?

or maybe its cuz i dont really have a bed at home,
so i cant necessarily say i miss that either


i need
more energy

to follow through
with wanting
to love people


i need
more rest.
to not be sick anymore,
to uhh generate my own body heat,
to find a gigantamous sweater to just wear, and get swallowed up in
and be impenetrable to the cold, dern it.

end note, since my thoughts seem to be
uberly, uberly wandering...

i need to process that first line more later.

i'm amazed, more and more
every time
when i realize
just how much
it must have taken
or must take

for God
to LOVE
to the extent
of which
that He does

specifically,
individually,
intentionally,

perfectly.

the smaller i feel.
the bigger and bigger
God keeps revealing Himself to be

strictly. whimsical.

and it all started
with a regretful
persimmon.

preluded with a rendezvous at mission base--first aid aisle.

encountered--no, intimidated
some bacteria
along the way

excuses are
_ _ _ _

"lame"

what does
falling in love
taste like?

i snuck out of
my father's house
at a day of strictly,
just family time

"Lord, please give me a decision.
If the bus isn't there
then your decision's been
made..."

"...and then i
waited
for the next bus."

"well if you knew or felt like it was blatant disobedience..."

and somehow
i got
the most impractical
and amazing
'reward'
for it


undeserved.
huh.

is that what grace looks like?

a struggle.
a complaint.
not knowing
or knowing
the right decision--
then making
the wrong one.

i should be dreading
or afraid
to go home


but instead

the prodigal son
open arms
taking mike's car keys
parking tickets
missed flights
20 cents per bandaid
optimus prime
'you might as well'
and a couch called
"home"

this is
what grace
looks like.

pie that
tastes like
falling in love

chalky, regretful, persimmons

brittle mom-baked
half cookies
made with
love

"quiet time"
as a term
thrown out the window

so that it may expand
into life
itself

take care of your body
your body's a temple

invest in the people
close to your heart

be
intentional

with my life

end with
"bleeding in disguise."

intimidation

full circle

i want to
talk to Him
and share my day with Him
just like how you'd be excited
to share about life
with a best friend

i want to
listen
just as intently
as you would
a best friend
or more

with an open heart
already overflowing
with love
care
and excitement

for who this person is
was, can be, and will be
in your life

infatuation
would taste like
cotton candy

sweet but
lacking in substance

i think
id prefer

...falling in love.

"you lift my feet off the ground, you spin me around, you make me crazier, crazier..."

hahaha
my lil cousins kept singing that song tonight
and showing me their made up interpretive dance for the lyrics

we kept adding on to improve it
to actually stop, drop, and rolling on the bed
after lifting ours or each other's feet up (or me lifting theirs) for the first part

but our fave is probably still the last line
when we get to act out "crazier, craazier~!"

hmmm...besides that
i'm not even sure where to start haha


today was amazing < 3
it was one of my best November 27th's yet =]


borders in the super early morning
last minute things with the kids
bonding with my aunt over car rides
pancakes and smoothies
and successful balloon cookies
shy lil kids
and slapping/roshambo games

so many fave memory slips < 3

"something that starts with an n.."
"nebraska!"
"....and ends with an o."
"NEBRASKO!"

Walking around was really nice
(i need to hold off on overloading this post with smileys and hearts now)
and so are bookstores and warm drinks
and finding the perfect shirt for your brother

and dont even get me started on
omgsh-are-you-serious
amazingly adorable little (and i mean tiny!) french soup and sandwich shops
with round white tables, newspaper clipping walls,
and ridiculously warm atmosphere
and very yummy sandwiches

yeah
those are pretty nice too =] (dangit, there goes another)


"so it's this really small little french soup and sandwich shop i thought you'd really like..."
"....QUIZNOS! omgsh! ray, its uhh..this is...great...?"
"hahaha nooo, no. okay--we're here!"
"SUBWAY!"
"djkglffmdg"


leaves, and leaves, and more leaves
and running into people
who believe =] (okay THAT smiley was necessary tho)

taking pics,
sitting and talking
walking
and walking
and walking

and the epic battlefield
of wind, rain, and..more wind
of a face off against like a zillion other trees
trying to catch
even just
ONE leaf

...which we did!
one huge fuzzy brown ugly one D:
....of victory!!

hmm
i wont forget =]
hearing the echo of a synchronized count down
and far away boom's! and explosions!
and lights!
and sparks!
and looking up
and running
and running

only to make it
JUST
as the it all ENDS < 3 .

we missed it completely.
and that's kind of really, really, funny.

made it back in time =]

for dinner with my aunt's family
or at least my aunt
and had an amazing conversation,
a real heart to heart with her
that really inspired me to have another
(which i did right after)
but this time with my mom

then we blew up air mattresses
to watch a movie in the living room
while drinking hot chocolate (or cider)
while eating popcorn
(monsters vs. aliens)

and before that
getting lovely advice from ming ming
for meeting ray's parents haha

"ming ming what do i do?!?!?"
"hmm..eat politely! ^^"
"...Politely? but..what's Politely ever done to me?
...why do i need to EAT Politely?
..i mean Politely could have a home..a family!"

they're such good sports haha


"dont forget to eat cleanly too, ate hannah!"
"then i'd REALLY be too full for lunch or dinner!"


and the kids were finally back to being kids
and were super hyper
and we all danced, and sang, and joked, and played

had an epic roshambo battle to decide what movie to watch
(all thanks to my aunt)

"so we've got two votes for this movie, and two votes for that"
**slowly raise hand* "i am only here voting for the sake of controversy"
"thanks a lot D:"

"ok, now its andrew's turn to go against ate hannah" (roshambo for the movie)
"To the DEATH! **tackle the kid across the air mattress and roll*"
"Ate Hannah, I think Nanay(mom) meant in roshambo..."
"...Wha? **flopped on top of squirming andrew*"



hmmm
i think i need to qt
must not forget @@
to thank who it came from

what an amazing day =]

sweetly broken

sometimes the right words come,
without us even understanding what they mean.

and the trick is not to get distracted by the cohesive, or dramatic flow from emotions alone
and forget the part where the truth weighs inside your stomach
like your heart falling
down from your chest

crashing heavily
into whats below

to really register
what those words mean

and from that pain
register truth

and have it affect your life
your actions,
each inhale
and exhale

of undeserved breath

God is merciful
God is kind


i think sometimes we'd almost rather that He wasn't
so we could provide our own solutions
and justify our own pain

...rather than letting, or registering
that Jesus' death on the Cross
already has


"it is finished."

...and then we were free.


we're still sinners
we still hurt
each other
and ourselves (sometimes as a response to hurting others)


but register the weight
of that truth
and the magnitude
of that sin

not to be
trapped
and overpowered

but to realize
the earth shaking truth
and liberating wonder
of one act

of overwhelming
all encompassing
perfectly loving
and forgiving
grace

Jesus died on the cross for us.

"it is finished."

...and then we were free.

"...through other people's descriptions of life."

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is.
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I,
Didn't I tell you?

"its the only way i have learned to express myself..."

my day so far...

peanut butter and jelly sandwich
macaroni and cheese
chocolate chip pancakes
soy milk
and soon...green tea

folding sheets
showers
hangers and closets
puffy pink slippers
and stacks
and stacks
of dishes

backstreet boys
taylor swift
fireflies
replay
and hairspray

and i still have 'realize'
stuck in my head. < 3

..i need to start getting some work done.
like now.

"Our faith must be in the One from whom our salvation springs. Jesus Christ wants our absolute, unrestrained devotion to Himself. We can never experience Jesus Christ, or selfishly bind Him in the confines of our own hearts. Our faith must be built on strong determined confidence in Him.

It is because of our trusting experience that we see the steadfast impatience of the Holy Spirit against unbelief. All of our fears are sinful, and we create our own fears by refusing to nourish ourselves in our faith. How can anyone who is identified with Jesus Christ suffer from doubt or fear!

Our lives should be an absolute hymn of praise
resulting from perfect, irrepressible, triumphant belief."

-My Utmost for His Highest

"He is jealous for me..."

"Lord, I'm amazed by You.
Lord, I'm amazed by You.

Lord, I'm amazed by You

and how You love me."

"im really excited to keep growing with you..
im really excited to keep growing
and im really excited i get to with you. "

i dont know
how to explain
just how much
i really, really
mean that

..so thank you < 3 .

and more importantly,
thank You.

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

1 Corinthians 1:25

the sounds of hearts

breaking

at the same beat.

cavanaugh park

...
i need to hear
if im doing the right thing.


i need to hear
that im not just being dumb

or naive

or reckless..

i need to hear

that im capable
of following through

with the promises

...i probably
wasnt meant to make
to begin with

i need you
to believe
in the things
my heart insists
MUST..be..important..

...
i need sleep

and a chance
to slow down
and rest

i want to be
in Your presence, Lord

i want to
seek
Your words

and Your warmth

..i don't
understand
anything...

...but You do

i need to
to believe

and to
set right
what im
believing
in

thank you, Lord..
please remain
the First

in my heart
my mind
my purpose

be the First
that counts < 3

thank you
for the people
You've put
in my life, Lord

thank you
for You

bubbly

"I am full of earth
You are heaven's worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this

From the broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries "Holy, holy God"
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like You are

...

ut the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean."

today was a good day. =]

people make me happy.
being around them, like, all day
makes me happy
being not stressed
and guilt-free
is amazing

to name a few more
amazing things:

successful costumes
stapling sleeves
fishnet stockings
cornmazes
where's waldo
getting lost
ponies that DONT poo D:

sharing meatballs/chicken wraps
pun-filled car rides
werewolves and poor sports
genies and hair glitter

old tea house
right decisions
boba
and fei chen

helping
group efforts
costumes
that work
and costumes that are
super
easy

too sugary sugar cookies
chocolate chip pumpkin muffins
too green green tea
suspenders
and salt
chriss--ashley
not being the waeakest link
but being the faceless angry house

winning slapping games
week-long extended games of ultimate ninja
even losing slapping games
but teaching them to others

tupperwear donations
umbrella pennies
and coming home
before its AM

street lamp posts
and sharing giant coats
the moon
disguised as stars
being very, very warm


and wishing there was a way to
make the world a better place
with no tummy aches, or pains
and where restrictions on naps

didnt ever have to exist

..but for some reason
that verbalized itself as
'eating dirt builds immunity'

..and im gonna hafta be okay with that.
< 3

did the wind sweep you off your feet?

And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

blessed.

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

undeniably so < 3

never let go

It's falling from the clouds
A strange and lovely sound
I hear it in the thunder and rain
It's ringing in the skies
Like cannons in the night
The music of the universe plays

You are holy great and mighty
The moon and the stars declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, but still You love me
Forever my heart will sing of how great You are

Beautiful and free
Song of Galaxies
It's reaching far beyond the milky way
Lets join in with the sound
C'mon let's sing it loud
As the music of the universe plays

All glory, honor, power is Yours amen
All glory, honor, power is Yours amen
All glory, honor, power is Yours forever
Amen

retreat was amazing.
people are amazing.

i want to promise to pray for my freshmen
and love on them as God has called us to love.
...but i realize how difficult that is
and this isn't just a cop out response
to shove disclaimer on my promises already
but just a reminder to myself
to realize the weight
of my own wishes of promises

so instead
i want to pray
..to..pray..
for my freshmen
i want to pray
to love on them
to be a source of
friendship and
support for them
to remember
most of all
that they are not
'my freshmen'
but God's

and that that's something
the identity of something
and someone's
that deserve
a lot of
respect
and time
and effort
and love

these are
God's people
God's daughters
my sisters
and brothers
in Christ

im really happy to have gotten the opportunity
to really connect more with women in epic
rather than just the everyday of entertaining or
making them feel welcome..but really, really
talking to them, sharing with them, hearing from them
getting to know them, and loving on who that is

girls in cru, friends who have just stuck around
really just make me feel connected to the movement as a whole
rather than just epic
got to catch up with elena, omgsh i love her
annie was pulled into ultimate ninja
and i got to spend more time talking to her this weekend and hanging out
lil things like saying hi and small talk
with allie and megan
and proposal stories
from desyre and another girl from my old bstudy

i feel..blessed, God
so blessed
to have such a community
and the chance to interact with
and kow who these people are

also got to have good fellowship with my brothers
who were super patient with me
especially gabe, alex (lol), matt wang..even josh scott
while playing basketball/getting taught how to haha
and conversations with matt ing and mike and this weekend,
even arend from cru. and brief interactions with keith
and other people
then theres also getting to catch up with will =]
haha and my new tumor/growth andy =D
yaay brothers

jeanine, stella, wendi. omgsh, wendi. and jill and mary
and steph and krissy and ashley
i got to really spend time and just fall even more in love
with who these girls are and can and will be
and...are...in my life
i feel so inspired by them
inspired to grow
and to connect

steph umamoto is so efficient haha
and stella's adorable
jeanine--still amazing. amazing. oh yeah--and uh. amazing.
jill shows so much love and care for the people around her
krissy's thoughtful, wise, gentle, and kind dern it
and she is a good appreciater of humor haha
i always love any time i get to spend, or interact with ashley
her questions make you think dern it
and shes super encouraging
i got to know tracy, and pa, and lucy
and got to spend some quality time with
vickie, elena, and brianna
all of whom im super excited to get to know more =]
(they were such good sports for the dress up thing!)

this weekend ive added new girls to pray for
pa, lucy, tracy, and..that one girl who was supposed to be my top bunk buddy
but always got up way too early for me to greet her good morning to her face from the beds


i got home
crawled into bed
and fell asleep
and napped for a good
almost three hours

..im really
happy
this weekend
to get a break
and BE happy

the stars were amazing
and shooting stars..
we saw two of them
but really at that moment
i couldn't think of anything
to possibly wish for

all i could or can think now
is that..God is good
and that yes, He loves me
this much
loves us both
loves us all

that He'd create
so much
that defines the beauty
of who He is

stars, curtains, racing up and down stairs
laughing, and talking
and really just..playing

im amazed at who He is
and the things He gives us
and that none of this
is of us
but is all
in Him
through Him
because of Him
and His love for us

"...i rejoice in this Divine Romance."

thank you, God
for everything < 3

"the man i've been.."

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
come rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest

'cause You know just how far the east is from the west

From one scarred hand to the other

i can't seem to focus.
i feel burnt out already.
i really don't feel like running again tomorrow,
or having extra stuff to carry cuz of changing for PE

i think these papers are stressing me out more than i thought
but i still have yet to get even one done

does school really come first?
well--of course it does.
i really dont even know what else i could be going with

i think im just..really tired
and i wish i wasn't

sleep would be nice



i dont know when i'll ever get enough of it

i wanna be excited for life again

i want to rest..

fireflies are not ugly

got some work done today,
had lovely quality time with priya
and have decided to officially commit to mocha almond fudge
as a new fave ice cream flavor

i dont think i should be overwhelmed...
well i can be
but its unreasonable if its something
that'll just slow
my work down

and friday was worth it
ill stick to that

michelle is amazing
i can be a part of myself around her
that i almost cant be with anyone else
its just..really fun
i heart her
a lot =]


i found out my dad
has been shamelessly sulking for the past week
so not taking it as well as i thought
but instead taking it very, very hilariously
and mourning, quite properly
and im ok with that

its pretty funny

as for everything else?
and the rest of today

while i did get a good amount of work done,
i hafta say..

...
i didn't realize that 'happy'
could be so distracting.

cuz it might be important...

"fireflies"
by owl city

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave tear drops everywhere
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and
Stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems

Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach my how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock-hop beneath my bed
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread
(Thread, thread...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
(When I fall asleep)

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
(Ha-ha)

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
(Said farewell)
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
(Jar, jar, jar...)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
(When I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

Priya sent me this song last night
and i am in love with it < 3


it's super random
and deceptively nonsensical
and seemingly pointless

=] i heart it

For the times when anyone has ever doubted
their own validity, or ability to help
when all they can offer to do
is pray for someone
suffering,
lost,
or in need:

"Prayer does not equip us for greater works--prayer is the greater work..
In the teachings of Jesus Christ, prayer is the working miracle of redemption in me,
which produces the miracle of redemption in others, through the power of God."

...and cuz it maybe might also be important

"The way a fruit remains firm is through prayer, but remember that it is prayer based on the agony of Christ in redemption, not my own agony.
We must go to God as His child,
because only a child gets his prayers answered;
a 'wise man' dos not (see Matthew 11:25)"

-My Utmost for His Highest

apparently my days are bipolar...

rainy days are alright
it feels like
the sky's just
having a little fun

but cloudy greys are a lil gloomier
like the sky's in a
bad mood
and wishes
someone would come over
for tea
and watch
a movie

...ahaha
so yeah i could also be projecting.


today i was out of nowhere super sick again in the afternoon.

i did alright running,
and didn't think i pushed myself too hard or anything
it was even a little fun

i guess the day started off on a bad note already

maybe just one of those days?

every hour felt so long
and after each hour
came another hour
just like it

im happy i got to have lunch with jeanine, mason, and wendi < 3

im happy to get to see jeanine
at all =]

slight headache slowly got worse tho
en for some reason my legs were shaky during class

i told my ta i wouldnt make it to section,
but then right after tried to look up a diff class ta's OH
to get help on a paper

..i went home when i realized i couldn't even stand in place for very long
at the stand up station at the MU comp lab
for some reason my knees/legs just kept trying to give out

but it was nice running into anthony on the way home

was locked out,
fell asleep on the neighbor's couch
headachey, fevery, and cold
and wondering if matlock would catch the murderer in time

woke up with briggs' blanket on me =]
*heart my older brotheerseses*
and brian wiping his wet hands on my forehead D:
*those jerks*

went home
had dinner
drank medicine
and tea
(which turned out to be really good
even tho it smelled funny)

and rationalized that to NOT go to epic
would be harder than going
because then id sit here all evening

..thinking about going

and im off =]

wouldn't it be nice? <3

i love the rain

its SO utterly miserable
that its RIDICULOUS

its like lil games with yourself
all day long
while the sky just kinda
laughs at you
for trying

i think hunchbacks would LOVE this weather

my second most valid thought exhale today
was the realization that i am HORRENDOUS at making judgment calls
on how deep or cross-able
a deceptively shallow looking puddle is.


i made a new friend today =]
his name is ryan the IM sports guy
and he thinks i am a horrible person who has something against hunchback rights
and third world country children.

i love umbrellas, and umbrella people.
i hate choking at bstudy and wet socks.

i need to make less sweet cookies.
and catch up on my readings.

so. many. tiny. spiders.

rescuing handicapped children from a space shuttle disaster

i am
indestructible.

...or else.

fever.
slight headache--well its going away now.
still vaguely limping, but not as bad as last night
or this morning
where standing for too long--hurt.

effing kevin.

i really am enjoying car rides to and from church with him tho.
nice random time to catch up.
and keeps things in perspective
and something in my prayers
when im wondering
how the word of God sounds
to ears
other than my own
or to hearts
hurting
for different reasons
that i cant even
begin
to comprehend
in the way
God,
surely
does.


...i wish it wasn't so hard to ask for help.


or to admit to needing some.


or even company.

which i sometimes want,
even if it seems almost like
i complain too often about being in the state
that doesnt D:

im laying on the floor
with a blanket, tylenol, half a peanut butter sandwich
half bowl of soup, water bottle, my laptop, and some hw.

..its really, really cold D:

i still need to find a way to do laundry,
rest of my hw,
have self control NOT to hang out today,
enough discipline to catch up on reading
and sleep early tonight.

and all the little things.
that aren't really
so bad < 3
if you think about it.
=]

..yeah.
i want some company.
i want..your company.

i just need to..
convince myself,
that that's
..okay.

..right? = /

"hanging by a moment"
by lifehouse

I'm desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after You

I'm falling even more in love with You
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until You make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with You

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take Your invitation
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with You
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until You make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with You

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with You

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind

There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

I'm desperate for changing
I'm starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after You

I'm falling even more in love with You
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with You

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with You

Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with You

...boo.
fever's back.

it's too easy to give up

..that i think sometimes you do it,
without even realizing that you are
or already have.

always, 'maybe tomorrow'
but really..
dont know how many of those
we even have left

i want to lay on the green belt grass today
and pretend to be a daisy again

maybe i can go back to
'i love lined paper'
..cuz i really,
really do.

im not good at being clear
with very few words

but most of those words
i forget
need to be said outloud
instead of written

...but really

i think sometimes i prefer it written.

"explains it, but doesn't justify it..."

im going to try.

ill follow you.
no.
ill follow...You.

..we'll..follow You.

im going to try.

i'll trust you.
or..try my best to.

ill trust..You.
because its the only way
i can trust
ANYONE
or in any way
survive

maybe You know better, right?
maybe You know what You're doing.
maybe i don't have all the answers.
and maybe
that's okay.

"nothing happened."

nothing happened that day.
i psyched myself up for it, wrestled with indecisiveness for a good literal 5 minutes.
Five minutes or so of just standing there trying to decide what to do.
Trying to figure out what my intentions were.

I knew if I walked away,
I would rationalize it as a lesson learned.

But it wouldn't change the fact that--
I didn't do it.

Context: so there's a random guy at the park.
Passed right by em, he was taking pics.

Did not stand out in ANY way.
Just walked right by.

and then for some reason the thought occured to me

...is this how it would feel like
or is this in any way parallel to

walking right by someone..reading a book or something
and not looking up
and for you to see that theyre about to walk right off a cliff

..and instead of taking the two seconds to stop and tell them--hey uhm
there's a cliff watch out

you just...
walk right on
because its too much trouble
or youre on your way somewhere
or cuz you don't know them


..is that a little bit of what sharing is supposed to be?

..just..coming up to people and telling them
hey, uhh
btw, you're about to walk right off a cliff

all you need to do is look up
from whatever world it is that's in that book
or that the world has told you to read
and..see where you're going


is that a little bit of what sharing is supposed to be?


is that a little bit of what it feels like
to know..to believe..to...KNOW
something horrible is gonna happen
if you dont do something to change it

then

changing it for yourself

and not

warning

anyone else?

..i mean, i rationalized it
id talked to people before?
maybe itd be amazing
but
its not supposed to be for the sake of it being amazing
or having an amazing story to tell out of it

or success or anything

just..about being told to do something
...and doing it

right?

and..that's..what i did


just..turned around
like a creeper
and went up to him--it wasnt even in teh path
it was totally out of the way

and made up a question to ask
hoped for a time to bring something up

and...

nothing happened.


and i think...
that was actually really refreshing--and almost a relief? but mroe like yeah
refreshing
that nothing did


cuz we're not supposed to test God, right?
OR to do things to glorify ourselves


i have..
NO awesome story to go with that

and i wasn't super outgoing, or good at what i did

but all i did was

turned around

and did..what i could


and...
...nothing happened.


it's humbling to see that.

but on the other hand know, hope, and pray


that maybe


...something will.


and if it does,

it wont be within my own hands

just like how this encounter wasn't


...but it was

on His instead.



yes, tangent, random, probably irrelevant to life in general.


but it was just..nice.

and i really do like God for it.
Thank God for it.


It was a small...possibly awkward...and obscure reminder.

But it felt good to turn around for no reason,
do what I felt (randomly) called to do,
do totally not amazingly,
and get totally NOTHING (like no results) out of it.

Other than just to know that I was told
and I listened.

I wasn't rewarded.
And I didn't "succeed."

I just...
listened.

"but sir, that's actually my backhair brush..."

just how far the east is from the west

it was kinda funny today
to have left my worship music on
left on a lower volume
while priyas laptop music was playing in the background
louder, and with clubbing/dancing music

it was a neat lil analogy
and put some things in perspective
and in a way kinda was able to
keep things in perspective
for most the night

yet even as your perspectives shift or question themselves
your body moves almost on its own
to do its best to blend into
a crowd of people
you dont actually know


it was fun hanging out with priya, michelle, hyuma, and jeremy =]
didnt get to talk to jennifer much, but she was sweet

it was nice dancing with michelle and priya
and sitting and talking ABOUT dancing
and other miscellaneous ridiculousness with jeremy on the side

i heart seeing priya happy < 3


"backhair brush, poopsie, and party platters of wasabi rolls.."

priya's bday in the beginning of the week was fun too =]

im so thankful for her

her and michelle both

thankfully, i was able to catch up with marni
ive left daniel a message, or tried to
i was able to have a good convo/be there for my sis today (thanks again for being patieent!)
i was able to talk to briggs and brian more about concerns on certain topics
stef and i were able to catch up
and wendi and i finally both know
whats going on in each other's lives
and have been able to connect, so well =]

and im talking to nabi more again, yay!
and more time to catch up with yuki

overall it all just feels..
very rewarding
is that the word?
just...really worth it kind of happy

that im talking to jeremy again is really cool
cuz the interaction is still the same

and being able to meet more freshmen
and really connect with them more
has been
pretty much amazing =]!

steven talks and interacts with me now like we've been friends before
the freshmen girls were sweet and really wanted to come hang out
jesse is awesome and also sincerely just wants to hang out
same with renata--who i just found out was in segundo WOO
oh yeah, steven wants to go rock climbing

God keeps making lil connections or chance meetings
from old to new friendships,
learning to be more comfy around some people,
to random encounters and new friends even just on the bus

im just..
really happy
and excited for all that He's doing


!!!
OH

and we ran into RAYJAY and MASTER MAY =D
they actually -want- to hang out
and gave me their phone numbers
and asked for mine too

in the same day i ran into another dorm friend
and we all wanna eat pizza together
which would be amazing

and already dana wants to plan a fancy sushi night < 3

..maybe i can bring a friend =]

today was just
really nice, i think
in general

and a very good
very necessary rest day

i..
love the arboretum


i love benches,
wooden or yellow.

i love grass,
even tho it grows on dirt.

i love ducks, dinosaurs, and--eff
even tiny, grey, jumping spiders =P

and even more so, i love
tiny, white flowers
with yellow centers
...and now broken stem
(accident!)

"at the end of the day it's not about being satisfied with your accomplishments,
it's about being satisfied with what God has blessed you with."
-what my sis left on my wall =]

i have to wear a backpack tomorrow

dear life,

im very tired.

i forget what circle
i thought i fit in.

sometimes its fun.

sometimes.

i wish i wasn't so irresponsible.

i miss quiet time.

that one girl,
hannah

"you are not a perfect woman." --and i am not a perfect man.

i guess it would be
the -opposite- of a clean slate
for me to
look back and re-notice/re-read
my "gripped with fear"/purple marker entry
and inwardly
kinda
recoil a lil
to realize
that someone wanted me to feel like that
on purpose

and then im left to reassessing again
the concept of grace
and the parts of my life
where im probably lacking in
or too afraid
or had been
or are
too immature
to give it

and i keep wondering
which of these reasons
are valid?
which are
necessary?

when is it a
lack of trust fear
of God taking care of me
in uncomfortable
situations

or when is it
a 'healthy' fear
of..."actually, lets not jump off this 15 story building,
because that will hurt =D"

when am i
taking care of myself
self righteously, and in fear and lack of trust
in other people
or in God

and when am i
trying to take care of myself
to protect my heart
and respect
the boundaries
God has given me
and the person
He has made me
to be

in reference to the title of the post...

i keep thinking of when eddie told me in india when he was hungry
and i paused then replied instantly and told him
all the ways we could solve that problem
offered something from my purse, thought of all food places we had passed
and calculated how much time there would be till the next possible meal

and he paused also and said
he didn't want me to necessarily come up with a solution
he just wanted to tell me how he was feeling

and i told him--well..you give me a problem,
and ill try to come up with a solution for it

im trying to meet you halfway here,
thats how guys do it right?
give me a problem and ill try to solve it
..like a guy

and he said..no..i didnt want a solution
i just..wanted you to listen to me
i wanted to tell you..how i was feeling

"....like a girl?"

and he paused
then
yes...like a girl.

hahaha i didnt let him live it down =D

but it did make me think tho.


i wonder if how much of this is me,
needing to realize
or struggling with not wanting to be
the 'perfect man'

and taking the chance to
be..a woman? haha
but im obviously not perfect at it either.
man D:

im supposed to let people take care of me

ive been spoiled for a very, very long time

my parents are super affectionate,
my friends are there for me
priya almost babies me haha
and im not asking to be, btw

but like..
im..kind of spoiled. and have been, i think
with people who care about me
and show it
are willing to nurture my needs
meet my needs before i ask them
meet my needs even when im too afraid to ask them

dorothy offered to buy my cough drops today
when she found out i might be sick
and priya does lil things for me to huge things for me
and helps me and offers to, and is an amazing friend
in just being very considerate of me

michelle worries about me, and has gotten mad for me
that means something too

in general...friend interactions
with head pats, and hugs
and nudges, and shoves
and insults from all the way
across the room

i just..feel very acknowledged

yuki and nabi
give and give and give
because those are two friendships i definitely feel more like i receive from
they give me time, and are patient
and listen
and i have to do nothing back
but to be who i am
and like them for who they are--which, i do
without trying

these are precious people to me

my lil brother believes in me
and so does my sister

...
i feel like ive been surrounded
by this much love
for so long

i mean granted, ive had my fair share of disappointments
everyone has, yeah. no one's perfect

but it just..
feels like so much
constancy

God's constancy, yes

just..security

..and im afraid
of if ill be able to
feel that or not
or trust, or rightfully
expect that
in...this
from...this.

i want it to be fun
i want it to be easy
comfortable
sure

..is it ever?


im too scared to
rely on another person
in that way


..but in theory, i shouldn't, right?
not fully, or not first

but how fair is it
if i dont know
if i can feel it
or expect it
at all?

am i just scared?

when am i
healthy fearing a "15 story jump from a building"
a clearly unwise decision

and when am i just
being too scared to let go
of my own self made security
and hold onto God's?

..=/
i really
dont want to jump off a 15 story building

i think i need to stop talking to myself now @@

in other news...

servant team is kind of amazing.

already, these people
are etching a permanent memory
and place for themselves in my heart.

thank you God,
for teaching me to accept help
ask for help
that it's okay
to need help.

for surrounding me with people
who help
SO much
just be being themselves
just be being
exactly
who
you made them to be

thank you, God
that you didn't abandon me
even when i was unreasonable
stubborn
irresponsible


and scared.



it really isn't anything about
pulling something
out of nothing

but realizing

that we HAD nothing
to begin with


we never really had
anything to begin with

all that we have
is all that
we're given

and the moment
we try to
take credit for that
or count those
as something we are
solely responsible
to make happen
out of our own efforts

are the moments where
we put a cap
over the outpour
of God's love

and we're no longer
serving out of
an overflow

but of what we
are scraping and draining
of ourselves

to offer

we are not alone.
the weight of the world
is not on our shoulders
we are known
and deeply loved.
accepted,
and unconditionally
cared for

we'll never
be left alone
or have to be
anymore

today i lost my purple marker =(

so there's the expression
"gripped with fear"

...and i dont think id ever thought much of it
but just now made me wonder if this is what it's like
to be "gripped" with an emotion

like..a suffocating feeling,
like being squeezed by an outside force
that's affecting
mostly your insides

and its even
a lil harder to move
on the outside


i dont know if its fear
or anxiety
or what

i just know
i can feel it
a "grip"

pressing
against my lungs,
and
around my heart

just when i thought there was an exhale
for the pressure to be released

came one
in a different
just as
if not more
encompassing direction

this time starting
from the pit of my stomach
and slowly spreading
throughout

after today...

"I promise I shall never give up,
and that I'll die yelling and laughing."
-Kerouac

i laughed
like
a lot
today

that was nice < 3

im getting used to people
and talking to them
and
taking joy in them
like i remember i used to

im remembering why it was so exciting
to talk to someone
get to know them
make them laugh
sit with them
or to laugh
for way too late,
and way too much
at dumb things with them

i hope i get to do that with you more this year too =]

im excited to keep meeting new people

i want to pray
for my freshmen girls already

i feel incredibly blessed with my 'team' already
cuz it really does feel like a team to be with
gabe, wendi, jill, and matt
and already we're constantly
rooting for each other
and already supporting each other
in hard times

i feel like ive gotten closer
to eunice and jeanine
and learned to rely
on other people more
and trust them
with my insecurities

and im really happy to have learned more about
communities of grace
that im able to recognize
and appreciate now
more so
what a community of grace
i really do
already
have

i cant wait for more dumb jokes < 3

fear vs. being afraid

"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants. For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."
-Hebrews 2:14-18



today was kind of amazing.

in the longest, most kinda unbearable, horrendous, emotional, contemplative, adjective, adjective, adjective....way possible.

God is so present
that I don't even know where to begin..

Today Will taught me, and really hit me with the line, "I appreciate the community that I have here in Davis and the fellowship. But when it comes to school and stuff I always work hard." Kay, not exact words, and it seems pretty average..but the way he put it was better. He basically was saying how yeah, his community is great and he'll invest in it and loves it. But at the same time, he isn't gonna work any less hard on his other responsibilities. Kinda like saying he's going to give his ALL, in everything he does. He's gonna try his hardest. And I really, really respect that.


I miss Sonia already.

But her sisterhood and friendship has meant SO much to me and helped so much. I just enjoy her dern it. She's kind of a breath of fresh air.

Peter and Dana called today asking for stories and details.

It feels nice to have a sister in Dana and a definite older brother still looking out for me in Peter. Still interested in my life, and still pursuing me in friendship to be a part of theirs.

Eunice is STILL amazing.

And eff, Jeanine is too.

I tried turning like a 'two weeks notice' slip into both of them first before I ran the other direction away from life all together. Thankfully they both told me to think and pray about it first before making any rash decisions. And actually, it really calmed me down/made me happy to hear Eunice laugh at what I told her happened....cuz in a twisted way it kinda assures me that whatever we're doing is STILL ridiculous, therefore it is DUMB, which theeeerefooore..makes it still very much like us. So its like--what? That was ridiculous? Ohh okay well at least I know we're still being ourselves @@.


God's kind of amazing.

I need to share more of this later when I'm not ridiculously exhausted and out of it.

But just as I was writing in my journal, the prayer and exact words: "I don't want to/dont know how to do this alone"--an old lady popped up in front of me. And was like--Hii! Is this where the blah blah meeting is? Or something. And I was like..er..I dunno. And she asked what I was reading..and we got into this amazing conversation about God and fear and faith. She shared a really intense testimony with me, and said she'd be praying for me..and even asked me to pray for her.


Jill and Matt are our heroes.

Like seriously?

We were a ridiculous inconvenience to the people around us--but at the same time it makes me feel even more authentically in a community of grace that I trusted no one in that room to judge us and at the same time felt secure enough in God's vision of me, and the me in God's eyes, not to let any potential judging get in the way of what needed to be done. That's a half truth though. There was also the fact that at that point, it was so bad that I didn't even care anymore and just had to fix it.


It's been kind of a really ..adjective adjective...long day.

But it's been a very worthwhile one.

I'm blown away by His truth.


"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. "
-2 Timothy 1: 6-7

"to hit the ground running..."

"...probably means, remembering
not to do any running [away] at all."

we just said bye too.

and already there's something else,
some random thought, or event, or other
that i wanna tell you about.

hm.
im not quite sure where i am.

but at the same time, im gonna go wiiith....
i have no idea =D

and thats okay. < 3

i found a fortune cookie fortune
actually i found two!
in my pants pocket yesterday..

i had left those particular pair of pants..er..shorts
here in davis, while i was in India and AZ

so it was a surprise to find anything in it!

"slow and steady wins the race."

yeah, yeah, i know..its cliche, heard of a zillion times, and not particularly deep.
...but eff.
it was almost exactly what i needed to hear at that point.

after already getting a lil bit overwhelmed with a tidal wave of responsibilities,
priorities, goals, and hopes for the year

it was like God giving me a nice lil reminder to slow down
and not to
get pulled into
that same
"invisible race"
i had talked/mentioned to Nabi before

today we met Hilda < 3

haha seriously was really uncomfy at first
but midway through was able to exhale that out
and be like--eff
i cant say no to cute old-ish ladies
and even more so,
ones that are super sweet
sincere
and..apparently
loves Christ =]

we were stopped to take blood pressures--so random
but i realized midway through that it was a way to minister
and reach out to people that they were doing this

and she asked me if i had any prayer requests
and i was really happy to hear later on,
her being asked
and her telling us her prayer requests too

what she said really stood out to me

she talked about her son
and him not being a believer...so he had like
the weight of the world
on his shoulders

as opposed to us, she said
who could put that weight
and those troubles,
worries,
and stresses,

to God

and let those all be surrendered
at His feet.

and that's when i realized a lil more..
just what i was probably doing wrong
and why i had been
so stressed out before

or what's really happening
when i allow myself to be...

i'm..
shouldering things
myself
instead of

letting them rest
at God's feet

talking to Eunice was amazing =]

she really is..wise
and mature
and just..cares
a lot

she pours into my life
and gives so much
without asking, or expecting
anything back


so many people do

and im really..
really thankful for that.


mm..
my other fortune in my other pocket was..

"soon, someone will make you very proud."

...and today actually
someone really, really did =]

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
-Collosians 3:15-17