fear vs. being afraid

"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants. For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."
-Hebrews 2:14-18



today was kind of amazing.

in the longest, most kinda unbearable, horrendous, emotional, contemplative, adjective, adjective, adjective....way possible.

God is so present
that I don't even know where to begin..

Today Will taught me, and really hit me with the line, "I appreciate the community that I have here in Davis and the fellowship. But when it comes to school and stuff I always work hard." Kay, not exact words, and it seems pretty average..but the way he put it was better. He basically was saying how yeah, his community is great and he'll invest in it and loves it. But at the same time, he isn't gonna work any less hard on his other responsibilities. Kinda like saying he's going to give his ALL, in everything he does. He's gonna try his hardest. And I really, really respect that.


I miss Sonia already.

But her sisterhood and friendship has meant SO much to me and helped so much. I just enjoy her dern it. She's kind of a breath of fresh air.

Peter and Dana called today asking for stories and details.

It feels nice to have a sister in Dana and a definite older brother still looking out for me in Peter. Still interested in my life, and still pursuing me in friendship to be a part of theirs.

Eunice is STILL amazing.

And eff, Jeanine is too.

I tried turning like a 'two weeks notice' slip into both of them first before I ran the other direction away from life all together. Thankfully they both told me to think and pray about it first before making any rash decisions. And actually, it really calmed me down/made me happy to hear Eunice laugh at what I told her happened....cuz in a twisted way it kinda assures me that whatever we're doing is STILL ridiculous, therefore it is DUMB, which theeeerefooore..makes it still very much like us. So its like--what? That was ridiculous? Ohh okay well at least I know we're still being ourselves @@.


God's kind of amazing.

I need to share more of this later when I'm not ridiculously exhausted and out of it.

But just as I was writing in my journal, the prayer and exact words: "I don't want to/dont know how to do this alone"--an old lady popped up in front of me. And was like--Hii! Is this where the blah blah meeting is? Or something. And I was like..er..I dunno. And she asked what I was reading..and we got into this amazing conversation about God and fear and faith. She shared a really intense testimony with me, and said she'd be praying for me..and even asked me to pray for her.


Jill and Matt are our heroes.

Like seriously?

We were a ridiculous inconvenience to the people around us--but at the same time it makes me feel even more authentically in a community of grace that I trusted no one in that room to judge us and at the same time felt secure enough in God's vision of me, and the me in God's eyes, not to let any potential judging get in the way of what needed to be done. That's a half truth though. There was also the fact that at that point, it was so bad that I didn't even care anymore and just had to fix it.


It's been kind of a really ..adjective adjective...long day.

But it's been a very worthwhile one.

I'm blown away by His truth.


"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. "
-2 Timothy 1: 6-7