above all names

There is no one like our God
There is no one like You, God


Hmm..
I think I for sure need to learn to..be okay with the present. To live in it. I've mentioned already that Priya has called me out on my future-mindedness. Why am I always so eager to get away? What am I..trying to get away from? The truth is, I don't really have anything in mind that I should be necessarily or would be. Maybe I'm just trying to get away from the anxiety. The anxiety of not -knowing- what's gonna happen tomorrow. The anxiety in needing to do what I can now, or feeling like I'm doing something wrong or not quite right enough..the anxiety that whatever I'm doing just may not be good enough. So..if it isn't..I'd rather just be there and know, and fix it (in theory) or do something about it. Or at least be there to tell myself it actually isn't the end of the world I imagined it to be if this or that were to happen, or if I were to do the things I did the way I did them. I guess in short if..I were to be me.

That things wouldn't fall apart.
And it wouldn't be...all my own fault.
And my mess alone to clean up and deal with.
And myself to most likely reject and hate on...
if those shortcomings were to, in any way, end up hurting people.

I think more so than being myself..
I'm afraid of hurting the people I care about
by being that self.

Disappointing,
falling short,
doing dumb things,
and making bad decisions.

I know we're learning to accept ourselves. I know I'm learning to be more okay with myself. I know that this is right, and I know that there's Truth.

..But I still find myself being pushed back to the original thinking, and having a hard time to find any way around it.

To like myself..and/or..accept the 'me' I see fully

..Has somehow or other
almost innately
registered itself..

as a selfish act.

The antonym of me
You are Divinity

To accept a compliment is to..imply believing it
Believing it tugs on some secret, unconscious, implication
that implies that to believe it means to have it taken away
Just to teach you a lesson
never to think that much of yourself again.

im not sure where
or when
or how
that logic came from..but

..because of it
I am not 'pretty.'
I will never be pretty.
I must never be pretty.

Or else,
I never can be again.

..Is that selfish/vanity, or what?

Why should I--would I--do I..
Reject even accepting the beauty of His grace and His creation
..Just for the sake of
fearing that that will take it away.

..so today I'll admit it.

Ironically,
in the most humbled state possible..

that I am.

..**holds back gag reflex.*

...Sometimes D:.

And to say so..
is really humbling.

Humbling because
I know this is something
I did not earn
do not deserve
and in many ways

is not
even true

but..
because of Him

because He lived
because He lives in us now

because it was HIS hands
that created us
since before our mother's wombs,
first breath of air,
growth spurts,
awkward stages,
and sometimes okay ones
(only to be followed with more awkward stages)

its not asking to take pride in it necessarily,
because looks, abilities, skills, and talents
is NOT
where our worth is placed.

but to reject them all together?
deny them as if they were
ours to still need to earn?
or get better at?
(get better in a way that disrespects or undermines our capabilities as a person)

as if what He's given us
is somehow
not enough?

how can we reject such things,
for the sake of
the pride
of keeping them..
as if they were
our own

to be taking pride in to begin with?


Anything in me
that could be worth pursuing
or found 'admirable'
or 'pretty'

...isn't mine

at all
to hold.

God is.

He's my Lord
my King
my Savior

my Creator
my Father
my perfect love story

my worth
is in nothing else.

It's humbling.

Anything worth pursuing in me
is, was, and always will be
whatever of Him
He has had the grace, and love enough
to allow to display of Himself through me..

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.

Through ugly,
selfish,
broken,
imperfect,
sinning,
all-of-the-above
...me.

...so full circle.

I want to be happy with the now =].
I want to live in today.
I want to not be so afraid
to be me.

Because whatever that 'me' is..
God is greater.

You are amazing God

God will always, always, always,
be greater.

His presence
should overpower
everything else

Be first
and last

Be always
and ever.

All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees
as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

You are amazing God