times running out

..priya just asked me to wait for her to finish showering/stay up a lil longer...>>

so eff <3
hmm!

today made me wonder...

-if leafblowing could really be a hobby
-how duck friendships can be solidified to more than just a shallow bread-crust relationship
-if they should really be paying me to go to work D:
-how skype works
-about nailpolish analogies
-who even thought of girl shoes
-if its really that easy
-what ever happened to my baggy of gummy worms
-should i really be feeling healthy with chocolate bits in my cereal
-what does God want out of all this


today i found...

-otter pops
-time machines
-sour tiny crab apples
-an upside down squirrel
-a bagel guy who likes ducks
-out that the library closes at 6 on fridays
-a bag of gummy bears on priya's bed <3
-THE most adorable random wooden baby giraffe wood/craft cut out thing at the walmart craft section...I want it D:!
-someone hiding, and gave them a hug
-week old pasta
-a smelly kitty
-another friendship <3 (via blue otter pops and midnight cookies =] )
-out just out AWESOME sabrina really is <3
-out what a J-turn was
-unexpected, parking lots, park benches, and children screaming "bloody murder"
-and a re-found love for fried rice

i hate the 4 a.m. birds D:

i used to like em
i really did
but now all they mean is

another sleepless night.

-hannah



ps: i have an amazing roommate.

pps: ducks are vicious--but it was SO much fun feeding them

ppps: "the exception"--mike's just over offensively mean enough that its hilarious. eff.

pppps: im pretty sure i can hold my breath longer than ray. just throwing it out there.

last pppps for the evening:
...
<3

believe in
every moment.

divine appointments happen.

it's time to stand up but everyone's sitting...

support raising is hard...
i first got introduced to the idea of the trip not happening on saturday
and it got me thinking i guess..like..
how much im still compartmentalizing aspects of my lifestyle
that i could just keep pushing this aside
instead of intertwining it with everything else

and also makes me think that...
support raising isn't for me
it's for Him, to honor
and bring glory to that
step of faith
that comes with asking for help
that comes with praying
for potential miracles

..

$2,850 to go..
in two weeks

and already..God's been amazing

i mentioned it to a really really close friend
just..frantic really..
but she wasn't even one of the people it even crossed my mind to send a letter to
cuz she lives in canada so its pretty far..
and also i know she hadn't had good experience with religion before
but, right away she was like
"omgsh--let me send you something!
i'll do it tomorrow for sure! "
and apologized she couldn't send much
but really?
amount doesn't matter--
just the feeling of someone -wanting- to be there and help you
that's amazing on its own =]

....
that and
the two late christmas present dresses,
hat, keychain, book,
and check for three hundred dollars for missions o___x
yeah--that was pretty amazing too @__@ <3 <3 <3

people
are kind of amazing
God is kinda
more than incredible

i had another friend tell me
he'd love to support me--
but only after i went to lunch with him
then i could tell him about what he was supporting me in then
...
seriously?
potential support--AND free fries
i think im okay with that <3


a had a good time catching up with old friends
as i was trying to ask them about support letter stuff
and overall got to be reminded of what a blessing these people are
no matter how present or not they were or had been in my life

im relieved cuz michelle said she'd help me with the dinner thing on monday...
and eff i need the help @@
it was done on an impulse
and im pretty much trying to keep myself from backing out of it as we speak

mm
i think im finally sleepy
or more like
i have been <3

"Give praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
He has blessed us with every spiritual blessing.
Those blessings come from the heavenly world.
They belong to us because we belong to Christ."-Ephesians 1:3

rejoice in this divine romance

The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied

this weekend was...

aim
packing
chipotle

long car rides
city lights
starry skies
socks that didn't
belong to me
and cold
cold knees

this weekend was

morning
shorts
breakfast outdoor
and
bright yellow pencils
with glittery cushions

journals
paper bags
a violin playing
and a stuffy
cabin room

secret elbow messages
blue ink
and paper cup after paper cup
of fail
a little girl
on her 16th round
filling half a cup of lemonade
and half a cup of water

this weekend was

encouragement notes
and grassy fields
and crying
like a girl

beaches
with dead birds
and taking pictures
and digging holes

burying people
in the sand
and eric accidentally spitting
on his own shoulder

this weekend was

a bucket
with sand
and feet

swedish fish
and touch screen phones
a pizza dinner
and a walk
or two
or three

wash basins of
feet and
....
well
feet

laughing
and crying
and laughing
and hugging

and praying
and knowing
and guessing
and failing
and laughing some more

and dumb picnic table games
and bad spot picking
and laughing
at the dumbest things

and praying
and falling asleep
and long drives
and not falling asleep

vietnamese food
threadmills
kindergarten yearbooks
tigers
and zebras

quilts
auctions
and confetti
friends
a skirt

and advice
...
that was a little harsher
than i would have liked

at the right time

sometimes ill look at someone else's thoughts
and think
wow
thats ..beautiful
like, who they are
the things they think and talk about
the things they care about
its all just, really beautiful

and then sin creeps up
to say, dont you wish
you could be beautiful too?

and i think
one of the tricks sin tries to do
is to convince us
that sin and i are the same

it tries to
wrap us in enough of itself
that our own identity
feels
interwined

as if
we ARE these negative things
as if
our identity as sinners
should really
or could really be
above our identity
as Jesus sees us
and has done for us
and made us to be

we're not...sin
we're...broken..BY sin
we're ..surrounded by sin
we're lied to, hurt by, and hurt each other
through sin

but we're not sin

our identity
our purpose
is so much
bigger than that

our God

is so much bigger than that

..college is so small
epic
is so small
today
and tomorrow
and the day after that
and sometimes the day before

our now's are always
either so big
or not
big enough

i dont know what im running from
or why my thoughts cant be
expressed
directly

but i think
as direct as i can get

this is
exactly what im thinking

and translating is only
for if you really wanted to know
what it means

or maybe
this is it
or maybe
that was it

..maybe it really doesn't work that way

...
or maybe
it just wont work at all

good morning, day

john 14

the gum wrapper bookmark in annie's bible
led me to this passage
at 6 in the morning

and i think i got a call this morning
but i don't remember if i dreamt it

signing up for another set of classes feels like another restart
and turning a new blank page to something

hoping you dont forget too much of
or hold on to too much of
the details in the previous pages

cuz holding on too much would
impair the work put into the new page in front of you now

it could be anything

and i think it'd like to stay that way

i feel really bad when

i purposely turn my head to sneeze

to avoid sneezing on anyone

but instead the wind blows it back

to the people walking behind me.

well, in that case...

does an written entry really have to be
anything other than
what you're thinking
at that moment
in those times?


..

i dont like velvet
in fact, i distrust it
all that its semi okay on are those little girl
church dresses...cuz they're too young to know
what they're doing wrong

maybe i distrust purple too
or nah
me and purple just don't fit
we're very different
...colors.
i feel like its a lot older than i am
or can reasonably pretend to be

even when its on kids

i think im missing people

i think im

missing them a lot.

i've been productive...ish
but it makes me wonder what its all for if
i dont get to see people ever

it makes me rethink
rethinking
my lifestyle

...and seriously.
i need to remember to close those window blinds sooner
when im by myself in the living room


its just creepy D:

hm
i need to remember to keep
investing in sleep

and eventually just need to
shut down AIM all together D:

or like
make a new account with what
three people in it

everyone else i can see in person

like the pioneers did.

they got along alright

i think.

..
it's 2:39
and i'm still only
a couple pages into my article

im focused, or was.
but am not gonna be if this keeps up.
maybe i have a productivity threshold?

but i still wish i had gone by to get my camera
and maybe dropped off a support letter along the way
i keep wishing things weren't so busy
but im limiting that to be all that im wishing for.


what else can you really do from here?

can you really wish
not to wish
or decide
to make a decision
and then let that decided decision
decide for you?

or maybe we should've just
flipped a coin.

im still wishing
for wishing for
nothing more.

...maybe it really doesn't work that way.

I’ll Stand

With arms high and

heart abandoned

In awe

of the One who

gave it all

So I’ll stand

My soul Lord to You
surrendered

All I am is
Yours

all i am

The Stand
by Hillsong

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

someone asked me

what was something i "super much want" right now
a "guilty pleasure"
or could say i really need

-a little help
-some extra time/focus
-to find my small bible
-a meal with friends
-a nap
-a letter
-a hug
-one small yellow flower
-good conversation
-dan tat and a boba
-another nap
-a smile
-and an adventure

lists and check boxes,
hannah

t'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.