so is yours.

i need to believe that.

while i watch a grown man
cry--alone as he's ever felt
over his kitchen counter
turning to face the wall
as if that would hide
the way his shoulders shook
as the silence
amplified the sound
of his sobbing

while i watch a woman

lose herself

to grief

and bitterness

anger has

consumed

her world

she's forgotten

who she is

what she's done 

i've forgotten

who she is

while i watch a little boy

hiding in his grandparent's empty bedroom

lights off, door parted

the world crumbling down around him

over a homework assignment not completed

a grade not quite perfected

because somehow, inside him

he thinks if he'd only done it right

done it better

then things could get better

life would be easier

everyone would be happier

and he would have

helped

"i've never felt beautiful"

the words cut, a jagged saw against your nerves

and you cringe--as every part of your own self esteem cringes

at the all too familiar words

the words that you don't believe

should ever come so sincerely

from a twelve year old little girl

"it's not your fault

so please stop your crying now"

will being prettier, smarter--skinnier

really have prevented this?

but at this point

you want to believe

something would have

i take it back.

who am i to tell you to stop?

when the tears wont subside

and watching you swallow them

is like watching the colors
of make believe, dreams, and childhood
drain into greys of never after
and you take your turn
to hug me with your
monochrome hands
and tell me you love me
when i've done nothing to deserve it

i wanted to save you

i wanted to

have you ever watched a teenage boy...cry?
that awkward stage of
childhood and adulthood
boy and man
and in between
yearning, reaching, almost almost almost
but nowhere near grown up enough
as the responsibilities they place on your shoulders

your hands were shaking

your voice was far away

you walked through the house
like a ghost, like a ghost
wading through
a dreamlike state
of things you wish
you could wake up from

please don't cry

i have no right to ask you that


especially because now
you wont
no matter what i say

you've left to be
in that far away place
you've left
yourself
behind

and i can no longer reach
the new you
who only wishes
he could mean
the life
he lives
now

 until soon
he forgets
how to wish
at all

tell me again, Lord

that their lives are filled

with hope

because i need Your voice to tell me
what my voice breaks--straining
my throat chokes on these words

Lord, tell me again

that this life is full of hope.

because You're the only one
i could possibly hope to believe now

...will they?

 "my life is full of hope...

and so is yours."

i don't have it in me
to say those words alone.

"my life is filled with hope"

that realization hit me hard the other day

not like--a slap in the face

or a punch in the stomach kind of impact

but the kind of--sudden embrace

that knocks the air right out of you

in the other party's excitement to see you

or rather--

be seen by you

after missing you

for so long

waiting to be noticed

neglected

but still

relentlessly

protectively

gently

holding your hand

this whole time

and as you utter the words

that acknowledges that

as you blink your blurring eyes

straining--now seeing

a light, a life

in what was once

just a vacant stare

an unchanging horizon

dark

and predictable

if even just for a moment

you can make out

the blurred

contours

of His face

feel the warmth

of His smile

remember

the hand

that holds yours

is His

every realization

step closer, 

word uttered

story heard

tears shared

truth told

lie revoked

love confirmed

is like an embrace

this is not a hope i deserve

but it's the kind

You choose to give

why my life is not consumed in thankfulness

baffles me on my best days

frustrates me on my worst

yet You hold onto me

on both days

and every moment in between

because my dreams are bursting at the seams

 i agree

that my life

is full 

of hope

the crappier things are
the greater the potential
for things to get better
the greater the room
for hope

im not even saying that things are that bad

im just saying, even when they get that way
the amount of hope my life is filled with

doesn't change

i am either tired
or hopeful
i feel like,
to be alive
i must be
perpetually
hopeful

sometimes,
things feel hopeless
and i'm exhausted
and i feel that i've done so much
so much, already

and i realize here i am
trying to take credit for all the good
God is doing
and claiming it as my own

i think exhaustion
is valid
sadness, panic, heavy-heartedness
even hopelessness
is valid

my dreams, my hopes
include people
people whom--
if i were to lose
my hopes
of reuniting,
of more time,
of another chance--
would be bursting,
exploding,
tearing through
my heart
to reach
any possibility
of being with them
once again

and sometimes the possibility is impossible
and they've gone too far to reach
and i'm left with just
a tattered mess
spent, weeping,
torn

but my hopes
my hope
is never
ending

because Jesus
is never ending

even those
i cannot reach

even as the very life
of life itself
and joy--in all its unfamiliarity
is drained from me

...i still have hope

because even as life itself
leaves me with nothing
im reminded
that there's more
than this life
to come

i have hope

that exists
despite me--regardless of me
in spite of me

the me who wants everything
the me who wants a faith in things i can see
the me who obviously does not understand
what faith is even supposed to mean
if i've made such a request already

i have hope

and nothing can take that away
not my circumstances
my losses
my burdens
my pains
my stress
my homework (yeah, i said it)
my worries
my moneys (or lack thereof)
my flaws
my not good enough's
my not ever enough's
nor my falling short
of ever deserving
the kind of hope
i've been so freely given

an abundance of it
an endless stream of it

Lord,
i have hope.

even when i feel like i don't
even when i try to stubbornly claim that i won't
even when i cry out that i can't
even when i mean it
when i say
i don't
 understand

even when i have nothing else--

i have hope.

game plan:

...aaand go! 

helplessness

has never been such a blessing

as when im reminded that it brings me closer to You < 3 

i am thankful

im breathing (trying)

im singing

im hoping

and as my voice leaves me

for raspy, gasping, (prepubescent-like)

sobs--

surrender

ill need not pick myself up--

anymore

You'll take my hand

and in no time,

ill be dancing < 3.

"but i don't want to live that way"

"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Like resignation to the end, 

always the end

So when we found that we could not make sense

Well you said that we would still be friends

But I'll admit that I was glad it was over"

....then why do you?

why do we?

to protect

"the scratching of an..[i love you]."

"i'm sorry..."

"..and i'm thankful."

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street

That the fire in your heart is out

I'm sure you've heard it all before

But you never really had a doubt

I don't believe that anybody feels

The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to You
But I don't know how

Because maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all

You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day

But they'll never throw it back to you

By now you should've somehow

Realized what you're not to do

I don't believe that anybody

Feels the way I do

About you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all

You're my wonderwall

Said maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me

You're gonna be the one that saves me

You're gonna be

 the one 

that saves me 

 -oasis

words exchanged,

prayers and its responses

maybe i'll find an answer

maybe i'll have to be okay

if the answer is the same

as it always has been

to have faith

in things

i do not

know

...rather than being overwhelmed by them

to have faith

that Someone is reaching out

and i have reason

to reach back

i am not alone

i don't believe that any body

feels the way God does

about me

who i am

who i hope to be

who i've been

who i'm meant to be

me

i don't believe that anybody

hurts that way He does

for me

not even me

that kind of pain

that could hurt the God of the universe Himself

would overwhelm my little human heart

that is used to only seeing myself in this broken light anyway

instead He feels my pain

while mourning the perfection

the perfect, healing, encompassing love

He meant for me to--created me

to experience in full

i don't believe that anybody

feels the way He does

...

about the people 

who i'm hurting for 

even now

i don't believe that anybody

hurts the way He does

...nor fights for, reaches out, and loves

as relentlessly

as He does

for them now

i believe that we are all His precious children

He will fight for us, no matter what

even the battles, i have no place to fight

the hurts, i can only be weighed down by

the casualties, i can only mourn over

as my limited, human, broken self

i believe
in hope

for the people i cannot save

...but He can.

i don't believe

that anybody

can Love

the way He does

you and me

--everybody.

He will be the one who saves.

 i believe that He will heal what i cannot

reach what is out of reach for me

protect, what is out of my arm's reach

love--better

so much

better

than anybody else

in the world

can even fathom possible,

even dare to

i believe that we, 

as humans

are sorry

in our tattered messes

our broken lives

our self and mutually inflicted pain

our wandering, 

our lost, 

our helplessness

we are

such a

sorry

people

but at the same

we have every reason

to be thankful

"i'm sorry...and i'm thankful."

i have nothing to show for myself

and yet You give me so much

so. much.

to be overwhelmingly

thankful for.

words can't express

how beautiful

Your love is

where i can only see

a blurry glimpse

of a picture, now

someday, 

i look forward

to seeing it clearly

to open my eyes

and experience it in full

with You

Lord, 

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry...

and i'm thankful.

hannah went to grad school

and this is what she really learned:

that i'm probably crazy.

irresponsible

broken

dysfunctional

people-pleasing

afraid

unreliable

sincere

kind

and brave

foolish

and young

learning

and learning

and learning

for days

 im waiting for the day

to list the things

i can claim

to learn

but right now

and on most days

i still feel

in the middle

of learning

and learning

and learning

and not quite there yet

but learning

it's overwhelming

to know

so little

and be responsible

for so

much

it's overwhelming

to be

so little

and to take on

so much

it's a relief

to be

so little

even when

i take on

so much

it's a relief--no,

a shock--

it's humbling

 

to know

so little

but still be held

responsible

for so

much

i want to say

it's unfair

but that's because of all the things

i don't want to be

responsible for

and all the things

i want everyone else

to be

too

and instead

i still

have

so. much.

to learn

please give me the patience,

the grace, 

the tears,

the shoulders--to soak up those tears

the arms

to be held up by

and the hands

to hold

as i continue 

to learn

just how hard

learning

can be

please accept 

this incomplete

me.

beloved

this song saved my life this week

it forced me to look up
when all i've done is look down,
and around me

i say this today,
and i know i'll say this
many days
i know i'll forget
and some days
refuse
to say it
at all

but today
and the next day
yesterday
and all the days that count

i hope He can continue to remind me

i don't want to be afraid anymore

i don't need to be < 3

level up

you'd think would inspire some celebrating,
but instead squeezes out
more than groaning
but a strained
sufficating

hyperventilating

closed fist
white knuckled
inhales
exhales

of doubts,
hesitation
perplexities
complexities
couldn't be's
should be's

shouldn't be's
and would be's

and most of all

"if i could only be..."'s

stakes are higher
checkpoints are further
distances longer
in between

leaps feel like falling
longer than it does soaring
and before you can land
you've forgotten
where you've been

you just remember
falling

and wonder, reminisce, regret, and reach
for where you fell
completely forgetting
the willing leap

completely forgetting
you took the leap

you only remember
falling

brace yourself, brace yourself, brace yourself

if this was a mistake, it could only end one way
if this was a stumble, an accident, coincidence
if there were shades beyond black, white, and grey

you'd remember

colors

hope

a sky
you leaped into

a hope
you thought
worth trusting
a fall
you felt
worth taking
hands
you thought
worth trusting


...to catch you.


please remind me, Lord
that You are there
to catch me
from this fall

that before entrapped
in a perpetual, regretted fall
i was once courageous
and took a leap
of faith

of faith, Lord
of faith

let my life
be one

of

faith

things are harder
the encounters meaner
and yet so much more
significant
than we ever understood
before

from what i remember
i have so little
in my pocket
of memories
and dreams

wide-eyed wonder
gave way
to withdrawal

eyes closed tight

flinching

afraid

Lord, let me live
 a life of
faith

things are harder here
i can no longer live
be allowed to live
the way
i've lived
before

i am more

You are more
You are more than all I ever was or could be

You are more

and you urge me towards you
to leap, with courage
to walk on water
to surrender
surrender
surrender

and be caught
in Your loving arms
of grace

i am more
than the person
it was so easy
to be
before

i am meant for more
than the ease
ill inevitably
take for granted 
of before
and of now

Lord,
You are more

than the horizon,
vast, unending, limitless--limited
in my vision

You are more
than the air
that surrounds me

You are the breath
that keeps me
breathing
living
loving
growing

Courageous

You meant me to be more

than what i whine, and plead,
and want to hide to again now

level up

and i'm a beginner again

but just like before

You hold my hand

and i am 

once again

held in Your arms

Your hands

wrapped around

mine

Your warmth

greater,

more comforting

more true

i am a beginner again

but just like before

Lord,

i am Yours

/save point.

unconfident

im sure ive posted about this several times before--
and yknow, i think, ill probably continue to every now and then
and maybe if that happens enough,
ill get better at remembering
and accepting it
as phases, random spells,
natural, normal,
expected

..and okay.

and maybe in the process
the number of times i can get pulled out of it
can remind me that its only
a temporary state
and that these days wont
define
all of who i am
but the days it happens
is not any more reject-able
or unacceptable
or something to beat myself up over

the days it happens
itll just be another day
and another part of me
that ill get better
and better
at accepting
without being
identified by it
all together

maybe ill understand
that all parts of me
are valid

not just the put together parts
not just the presentable for society part
and definitely not just the 'good hair days' part

maybe i can even step out of the house with a crappy outfit, no make up, and pinned back bangs
and decide, and know for a fact--
that those things wont keep people from loving or treating me any differently
nor should i be any less confident of a person
or have less to be confident about

maybe i can still be pleasant company

...and maybe, when im not

that's okay too
because i don't have to be
all the 24/7 time

unconfident

i wondered what if

my hair was a little bit longer,

or maybe, a little bit shorter

maybe if i took some time

to change the color of my nails

or even go the extra mile

and paint my toes, too

i wondered what if 

i exercised a little bit more

could accomplish what i meant to

in the should've been possible span of time

i had spaced along my days

what if i was

on time for everything

what if i could

run a mile, 

in 8 mins

or run more than 

a mile, like

all the time

what if i

wore a skirt, 

or a dress

what if i had

cuter shoes

or, yknow,

face

what if

my hair

looked great

all the time

..and so did i

without

any make up

and what if i wasn't

afraid to, or ashamed to

wear make up at all

or not

at all

what if i could do

all of these things

afford some new tops

peculiar accessories

a cute backpack

what if i 

spoke

could speak

louder

and clearer

...would i hear my voice again then?

sometimes, the self i remember

seems so much further 

so much so

that it borders the line

of imaginary

or wishful thinking

sometimes the self

i want to remember

is replaced

by the things

i wish

i wouldn't

envy

and external things

i was unpleasantly surprised

to find that the things,

the immediate things

 the instant gratification things

that i reached out for, 

and turned to

in times of my

waning self-esteem

were all

external

i was raised

(as we all could've been)

to an extent

i have lived my life

to an extent

on an external-based

value system

of my worth depending

on people's

attraction

to me

approval

enjoyment

ultimately--

acceptance

...but not really

cuz if that was the case

then i would have let them

see the parts of me

that were harder

to accept

and i mean--i have

plenty of people

believe me

i have 

< 3 

and yet i do myself this disservice

of living a life of dissatisfaction

of spending my spare time

poured out

into envy

to all the people

i wish

i could

be

...i love my life

i really do

i honestly and sincerely

am blessed

in so many

ridiculously

gracious,

generous,

undeserved

ways

my life is one

of 

beautiful

things

beautiful

people

loved ones

love

i absolutely love

my life

if only i

could stop

getting in the way of it

this i

because it is

my lack of love

in me

and simultaneous 

obsession

with

me, me, me

that gets me to these places

of envy, dissatisfaction, and yearning

Lord, 

Jesus

these are the days

that You have made

Please help me

rejoice

and be glad

be present

be genuinely

in it

my negative feelings are allowed

this You've assured me,

i know You don't think less of me

the way i instinctively do

at the first sign

of imperfection

You love me as I am

and You've made Your perfect plans

including me--

and yet

in Your kindness

Your love

and grace

made room,

even for me

for my imperfections

in them

Thank you, Lord

for considering me

For loving me

For creating me

Lord, 

please help me

to find confidence

in the right things

and not be ashamed

out of taking joy

in the little things

(like painted nails

or a skirt

on a random day < 3 )

i will rejoice 

and be glad in it 

 

in shorter, prettier, less ear ringing words--

says,
"do not be afraid."

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in

Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone

To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is

And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me

Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'

"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"

And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant

With just a Sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors

Shaking in their armor

Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me

Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!

"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size

To put the giant on the ground

And the waves they don't seem so high

From on top of them looking down

I will soar with the wings of eagles

When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus

Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe 
because, 
Jesus,
You are
the voice of Truth

week 3

burnt out

already? 

 i wouldn't be too surprised,

seeing as, one, a review of my oldest blog has shown me that i am apparently in a recurrent and consistent state of either being burnt out or going through a process to work myself up to being there

and two,

life doesn't really work in its assumed chronological order

take this semester for example

so many times, already,

besides the obvious one of finding myself re-visited by ghosts of emo's past via my old blog review endeavor (this is high school emo-ness we're talking about here btw. the most overdramatically intense kind. yknow, the worst kind, cuz a lot of its intensity seems to everyone else like its just for show..and in part..it is..but unless you explore these feelings to their utmost capacity, you cant stretch yourself to reach all the other, more real feelings after it. case and point being high school romances that individuals find themselves taking too seriously, but dont decide they've taken it too seriously till after the fact, years later, when they "know better." but if you've never gone through those feelings of getting a taste of infatuation, heartbreak, and loss--it'll be like jumping onto and trying to pedal one of them fancy thin-wheeled fixed gears fancy schmancy name hipster bikes [i am ashamed to have a boyfriend who is into biking but still not know these terms. im sorry, boyfriend. im sorry, world] without first being acquainted with tricycles or training wheels. )

..wow, i totally digress. 

ahem, anyway. 

there is no such thing as

week 1

of the semester

as the beginning...

because of all the things preluding 

for that week 1 to even successfully begin.

as early as the end of the previous semester,

we've got started the blocks in which we'll be building this one

finals

recovering from finals

family crisis

recovering from said crisis

(parents' car accident,

thank God, they are both okay now)

health insurance hunt

dental insurance research

scholarship renewal

attending to relationship building/friendships

CR emotional roller coaster

job applications

tahoe excursion:

reunion with high school friends (marni + fam)

cousins, 

family,

high school self,

alpina coffee shop

and 

God

exhale.

and then.

here we go

financial stresses 

(ie: no scholarship, no part time job)

book costs

tuition fees

groceries,

or lack thereof

scheduling dinners

a menu

for other people

job investments

(relationally, with coworkers & growth-wise)

heart sickness

(also job-related)

 somewhere in the midst of this

school has already begun

re-ordering the correct books

printing syllabi

finding the right classes

time management to achieve punctuality

some sort of physical activity per week/day

gas bleeping money

reconnections

goodbyes

hellos

and 

things ill remember

after trying so hard to forget

i don't know if you can relate...

but in my over-exaggeration,

i will proclaim

that there is something

spirit-crushingly 

stressful

about not having time, 

space--a turn

an opportunity

to properly

do

your laundry

for 

almost

two

months

little things,

itty bitty things

tiny things

they get to you.

i want to dust 

you heard me

i want a chance

to dust

in my room

to vaccuum

to organize papers

and boxes

and

books

i want to close my eyes

and enjoy,

a good song

to listen to

music

while being 

still

rather than in the midst

of hurrying from point A to point B

while driving on the freeway

to just barely make it

to one responsibility or another

(don't get me wrong, though

i am incredibly thankful

for that blessing

of sitting still

at what could otherwise be

a really hectic time

and a zillion and one times

God has comforted me through

those very times

on the radio too)

...

pens.

ooh

i want pens.

the pretty kind

i dont even need the fancy schmancy zillion pack one anymore

(i had one but i lost it D: 

**fail @ life * ) 

i just want

pens.

and 

a pretty journal

the one i saw in target

EFF this money-saving,

right decisions,

practicality

oh no,

you've gotten me started

i want shirts i can wear

both to school and work

and appropriate dresses

for the every other day

that feels like

a (cheer me up with a) dress day 

and flip flops

dangit

FLIP FLOPS

because i still

for the LIFE of me

can NOT find

where that horrendously cunning, 

ridiculously terrible,

cruel,

heartless

....

puppy

put the other pair

of the flip flop i have now

D:

(do not let its appearances fool you

rough internet example

^she looks nothing like that

other than they are both small

and brown

though probably equal amounts of deceptive evil)

and for my journal

my journal

back to that

journal

the pens

the pretty

pens

...i want time

to write

legibly

without rushing

without scrambling

for time

i want 

to enjoy

the feeling of

my  favorite pen

on paper

that doesnt blur

as my vision tries to adjust

to journaling

in the semi dark

because its only then

with my night light

can i find the chance

to scribble

down my

racing

thoughts

i want to send care packages

plan healthy meals

go outside,

and just

breathe

without feeling like

im recklessly contributing

to the world's very end

by doing so

i want to listen

to what you have to say

without calculating the time

i have left over

and how long

itll take 

to read the chapters

i need to catch up on

and how much

of those hours

im instead

spending

with you

^isn't that terrible?

i want to listen

to truth

not drowned out

by my own

rambling,

complaining,

heavy clouds in the sky,

words

i want to vent and--

...mm,
i want to vent.

...and i think i just did.

thank you for Your patience,

hannah

today, im allowed

If there's so much to be said
Why do I have nothing to say
What makes my blood boil
What makes my heart break
It makes my stomach hurt and
Tears roll down my face

 
I know tomorrow will be another day

Then we will sing we believe in something
Greater than what's called love
Written all around us faces and surroundings
All the people that we know


If there's so much to be said
Why do my hands hold a blank page
What makes my mouth dry
What makes my voice break
It makes me so frustrated
When I try to explain
Employ these words and
Please show me what to say

Will I look back with regret?

Will I be proud of all the things I've done?

..When sorrows separate and fade...

Then we will sing we believe in something
Greater than what's called love
Written all around us faces and surroundings
All the people that we'll know

...to mourn.

counselor, professional, student, 

...human,

hannah

dandelion prayers

prayers that will disappear
into the wind
to land
elsewhere

in hopes
of planting
a little bubble
of sunshine
 a little sprout
of hope

(the obnoxious kind,
that most people
try to
get rid
of...

the kind that steals

energy--from the things

we otherwise think

is worth the better part of our time

our presentable lawn, that is,

of put-togetherness, professionalism,

a lawn we can hope

can seem greener

to those

looking on

from the other

side)

of course even this hope seems fleeting

most times, we're quick

to tear it from carelessly from its stem

(it seems, only children can wholeheartedly appreciate

its little gift, unexpected blossom, 

as beauty

at the age before

they've been adamantly instructed

by everyone else

how beauty should be defined)

other times, we make a point

to rip its roots out

from our earthly foundation

(we know not what we do)

bothered by the way

the yellow specks

clutter 

our pristine

 presentation

of the flawless
green
we aspire
to be

the specks of sunshine

wonder, and grace

are fleeting

before you know it

its dried out

without petals

and youre left

with the cluster

of jaded

brittle

seeds

of

ideas

(that you once had the courage

to admit, 

belonged

to you)

 

and it only takes

one wish

to send them off

 carrying even

the weight

of our

dried out

dreams

in a flight

of feathery

angel's

wings

...hope

take off

into

the air

seemingly disappears

in search

for a new

beginning

 ---

...even if it's only in secret,

please, let me pray for you.

the "d" word

discipline.

fall semester

new chapter

new fears

new dreams

new people

new truths

new hurdles

new passions

new dynamics

new teams

re-newed courage

re-newed hope

re-newed faith

names

ill remember

challenges

ill overcome

expectations

can no longer trap me

to a me 

that belongs

to everyone else

but me

to everyone else

but 

You

i am afraid

and that's okay

i am nervous

but not for long

i am rushing--

but You won't leave me behind

i am crying out

i am held

i am not

by myself

i will fail

and succeed

but mostly

...i will fail

and You'll remind me--

i am accepted

i am loved

i am 

more

than i was before

i am more

than i thought 

i could be

i am alive

though i struggle to believe

i am 

okay

You've made sure of it

re-acquainted

there are plenty of things that we can't do
just as significant things that we won't do
a never ending list of things, we'd (eventually) like to do
and things that we convince ourselves
we just don't have time
to do

i don't think quiet time should be one of them

and yet i'm guilty 

of being an all-too-willing victim

of the ever deceiving

"just couldn't possibly have time to do's"

i need to reprioritize the life i live

and get a better picture

of the person i am

and the person

i hope

to be

if i haven't met her yet

how can i possibly

introduce her

to you?

there are many things i need to be re-acquainted with

besides my self,

my hopes,

my dreams,

rather than just sulking

in my fears and anxieties

i need to get re-acquainted

with courage

that casts out

these consuming

relentless

fears

i need to get re-acquainted

with the One whose always

waiting patiently, graciously, lovingly

for me

i need to get re-acquainted
with the me You believed in me to be
the me You accepted me in spite of

and the me

that is fearfully

and wonderfully

made

the me that is

Yours

i need to take the time
that was never mine
to begin with
and return it
for a chance
to once again be
re-acquainted
with Him

playing with fire

we all have those stupid moments.

and please, don't take lightly

when i use something like the "s" word

YES, it's an "s" word, to me

it may be two letters more than a four letter word

but, in my opinion, just as potentially damaging

offensive, inappropriate--and most times

inexcusable

except for times like these

when no other word 

will suffice

and sugarcoating

just wouldn't give the act

justice

justice.

it stings--but is oddly comforting

that this was something

we deserved--deserve

but thanks to God's grace

thanks to Jesus' sacrifice

we didn't

or do't

have to experience

because if every stupid action i made

had the full impact

of what we'll call

"justice"

i don't know if there would be much of me left

worth knowing

or 

forgiving

...dangit.

i digress.

and ask for room

to forgive

myself

because "justice" tells me

that i shouldn't

that it's

unforgivable

that it's

yknow.

the "s" word

it was stupid

it was dumb

i can't believe i made such an unprofessional

in my eyes--unethical, inappropriate,

putting my morals and standards

at risk

mistake

 and the example comes to mind

of that line you tell someone

not to cross--

and being the human creatures that we are

rather than staying as far away as possible

...we creep

as close

as we possibly

can

and see

how close

we can 

get

without

technically

crossing it

...technically.

but to be honest--thinking about crossing it

just knowing the line is there

and dwelling on it

and it's wrapped itself

around your ankle

already

pulling you in to the realm of

"it's not so bad"

or..."no one will know"

telling you

to steal

STEAL THAT EFFIN COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR

.....cuz maybe no one will notice

..but then what?

when you get away

at first--you're horrified

at what you've done

you can't believe you've

somehow, by some miracle

gotten away with it

...but then

..that's just it

you realize

you've gotten

away

.......

and you promise its the last time

ever ever ever eeeveeeerrrrr---

but before the promise even finishes leaving your mouth

you've already broken it--and you've already

kind of blurred 

the words

of what you said

what you meant

what you really said 

what you really meant

is this how an addict's mind works?

...do you really need to be an addict

to understand it?

or to think--whether mildly--or precisely

the same way?

i think this is a good reminder

my boss today, said it best

"it's good to be reminded

of the nature of the beast

that we're dealing with."

not just the monsters that we face

the villains that we--well, villanize

and people we scoff, think less of, or think

we're so much different

or better than

it's good to be reminded

of our own monsters

and the ongoing potential

for stupidity

ever since the first 

bite was taken

in our attempt

to taste

--out of curiosity,

no, insecurity

alone

what 

was not ours

to have

to begin with

...because it was the very thing

He was trying to save us from

all along

because He loves us too much

so much

even

where

we are

but too much

for his heart

not to break

to see 

where 

we are

and much too much

to keep us there

 

 

don't start

unbelieving. 

 

  isn't that enough reason to like this song?

the night sky is overwhelming
i don't know where it ends
and where i'm allowed
to begin

most times,
im met with
a distant, encompassing, dark
of empty
promises
of stars
that i have yet
to dig enough for
to clearly
see

im always falling behind.

i've come so far
but where am i now?

im stepping on thinning and thinning ice
wondering which faulted step
it will take
for people to realize
i've been lying
about my weight
all along

much to their disappointment, awkward uncomfortability,
and my embarrassment--
oh. and i guess, like, death
since i don't actually
know
how to swim

^something i shared with them
in jest, and they received
without worry
because it never crossed their mind
that id need to
anyway

afterall, here i've come
to the garden party of elite, grown up,
put together, successful,
adults

that we've decided to spice up
by throwing said garden party
on the thinning ice
that we elite
have the unspoken privilege
to stroll, safely, unscathed, through

...yet i wonder

how many people
are like me

pretending
not to wobble,
pretending
it didn't hurt
when they
slipped

pretending
to bounce back
faster
than they internally
did

looking
in envy
at those others
who seem
to dance

so freely

on the ice

 that we, ourselves,
have only pretended
to conquer

i like this song

and its implication

of love

that is yet, still beating

enough

to give

still plenty enough

to imply, a generous amount

of "all my love"

as opposed

to the scant,
surviving,

emptying

change

in our pockets

that Payphone suggests it to more closely resemble

oh, song references < 3 

do you really believe,

this is a healthy space?

that im..allowed

to this space

....for me?

do you really see my steps

my hesitant shuffling,

or bluffing strides

 as a form of "navigating"?

..will you really, so generously imply

that i am on the road or in the process

of finding 

my way?

...will you really wait for me?

 ..and be patient, 

truly,

genuinely?

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

words

just words,

my jaded, highly realistic, 

grown up self,

would like to say

but to me

you've given me

hope

those words

fight for the me

i've consistently

wanted

to give up

on

the me

that wants to shine

only to end up

in ashes, burnt dinners, 

misdirected anger,
lack of punctuality

and constrained passions

--my responses trampled by reactions

selfish, bratty,

aflame

the me thats so afraid

someone will notice

that i've fallen

at all

the me that's afraid 

i'll never learn

You think that i'm worth it.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not

And who I am

 

most of me,
to be honest
can't put the words together
to fully explain
why i love this song
as much
as i do

but i think,

im okay with that

and at least

to this song

softly

simple,

unimpressive, 

subtle,

and sweet

for once,

i'll finally

just listen. < 3