playing with fire

we all have those stupid moments.

and please, don't take lightly

when i use something like the "s" word

YES, it's an "s" word, to me

it may be two letters more than a four letter word

but, in my opinion, just as potentially damaging

offensive, inappropriate--and most times

inexcusable

except for times like these

when no other word 

will suffice

and sugarcoating

just wouldn't give the act

justice

justice.

it stings--but is oddly comforting

that this was something

we deserved--deserve

but thanks to God's grace

thanks to Jesus' sacrifice

we didn't

or do't

have to experience

because if every stupid action i made

had the full impact

of what we'll call

"justice"

i don't know if there would be much of me left

worth knowing

or 

forgiving

...dangit.

i digress.

and ask for room

to forgive

myself

because "justice" tells me

that i shouldn't

that it's

unforgivable

that it's

yknow.

the "s" word

it was stupid

it was dumb

i can't believe i made such an unprofessional

in my eyes--unethical, inappropriate,

putting my morals and standards

at risk

mistake

 and the example comes to mind

of that line you tell someone

not to cross--

and being the human creatures that we are

rather than staying as far away as possible

...we creep

as close

as we possibly

can

and see

how close

we can 

get

without

technically

crossing it

...technically.

but to be honest--thinking about crossing it

just knowing the line is there

and dwelling on it

and it's wrapped itself

around your ankle

already

pulling you in to the realm of

"it's not so bad"

or..."no one will know"

telling you

to steal

STEAL THAT EFFIN COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR

.....cuz maybe no one will notice

..but then what?

when you get away

at first--you're horrified

at what you've done

you can't believe you've

somehow, by some miracle

gotten away with it

...but then

..that's just it

you realize

you've gotten

away

.......

and you promise its the last time

ever ever ever eeeveeeerrrrr---

but before the promise even finishes leaving your mouth

you've already broken it--and you've already

kind of blurred 

the words

of what you said

what you meant

what you really said 

what you really meant

is this how an addict's mind works?

...do you really need to be an addict

to understand it?

or to think--whether mildly--or precisely

the same way?

i think this is a good reminder

my boss today, said it best

"it's good to be reminded

of the nature of the beast

that we're dealing with."

not just the monsters that we face

the villains that we--well, villanize

and people we scoff, think less of, or think

we're so much different

or better than

it's good to be reminded

of our own monsters

and the ongoing potential

for stupidity

ever since the first 

bite was taken

in our attempt

to taste

--out of curiosity,

no, insecurity

alone

what 

was not ours

to have

to begin with

...because it was the very thing

He was trying to save us from

all along

because He loves us too much

so much

even

where

we are

but too much

for his heart

not to break

to see 

where 

we are

and much too much

to keep us there