known

...i secretly like to make faces at myself in the bathroom mirror,
for my own entertainment, and am always curiously intrigued at the grotesque that can come from an otherwise very ordinary (if not already regularly grotesque) face

i already revealed that in the last entry though.


besides that

i really, REALLY like chocolate soymilk
and i think one of my favorite things to wear
besides sundresses,
would probably be any combination of shorts and tights
with either high top laced shoes
or some sort of huge shirt

does that matter?

that my money conscious asian mother
has raised me to be appalled and ashamed of myself
if ever i catch myself ordering a full meal?

cuz obviously, water's healthier any way
and what're the chances of me really REALLY being able to finish a full meal?
(i ordered one today at in and out, much to my own horror,
and didn't even come anywhere near finishing the fries.
i am a dishonor to my people--
and mostly, to my mom. D: )

...i LOVE love love
movies where i dont have to think
gushy chick flicks, solved conflicts, and ridiculous characters
and i figure its because i spend so much time thinking
about every thing else in the world i could possibly think of
and overthinking everything else in my own world
that i really dont have to be thinking of
...that a break now and then is just..refreshing

that said--im going to add "crazy little thing called love"
to my list of all time favorite movies

its not that i dont like being intellectually challenged
intrigued, touched, made to think, or care
it's just that...i do that
and its nice, and more rare,
when i dont have to

when i start a book--
i just cant put it down
at least if its a story book of any sort
i NEED to know what happens next
and i put a lot of my life on hold until i do
...and that's why i didn't do much reading just for fun
for the majority of the time i was in college

..i've always been secretly self conscious about my eyes
less and less so over the years
and sometimes, not at all
but i just thought i'd say it now
cuz im finally brave enough to
without being afraid you'd think less of me
though i wont pull it past anyone to take a double take the next time they see me
to look for what ever really is wrong with them that im self conscious about
thereby making this confession super counter productive to my improvement steps

....someday
i want to live in spain
even just for a lil while
in a spanish speaking country

and vacation with my future husband
or group of girl friends in greece

i think i enjoy walks
and running
but never really have hoped to be
anywhere near actually physically fit
but just hope to hold on to the shores of almost healthy

these are just a few things im really naming
and im not sure how much is already known
or unknown, a surprise, or expected

but i think some days
i just want to remember
or feel a hint of
being known

i think somedays
i just want the chance to tell someone
something besides my name,
or met expectations

i think every once in a while
every one feels that way
where they wish someone would ask
and someone would want to know

every once in a while
it's like a treasured standstill moment
when you realize
...someone already does
and genuinely
really wanted to.

inaction

every now and then
inaction drives me crazy

i dont want to be
sitting still

when i know my body is wasting away because of it.

...does that make me a terrible person?

..nah.
maybe.
just impatient
and terribly, terribly,
selfish.

let's not forget
immature.

a dash of lazy doesn't help either.

i will get back to you once i find the picture of a restful monday.

sunday evening

(though actually,
some would call this night
a few, "morning.")

i find myself with a mickey mouse sneaker gloving each hand,
landing from hopping up and down,
and probably preparing for another following jump, if necessary
korean music blasting in the background from my roommate's laptop
while she begins the night's work for classes

i am...
wide awake, exhausted, and only partially rested
only partially interested, only partially..a lot of things
trying to kill an overly friendly risk-taking moth
that i just discovered had a friend

i think my weekend mornings always start in a haze,
im never really quite awake for them
and by the time the day ends
it started so early in the day
that sometimes it feels as if
whatever world that those events took place in
was so far away,
that i wonder how much of it
was made up in my mind
and how much really happened
outside the narratives of reality
that i process and construct in my head

every now and then i feel the need to stretch my face
when im alone washing my hands in the restroom
and i make funny faces at my reflection for my own entertainment

my face is tired from hours and episode after episode
of not having much of an expression outside of polite smiles
and confused glances, or at the most..perplexed furrowed brows

i am...
skeptical, unfriendly, too friendly that i wonder at its sincerity
i am miscommunicating, afraid, not the person i know i am
i have lost
my voice

and in its place i have
silence

feigned confusion
real confusion--feigned consciousness

i am
at a distance,
at best

i miss me
sometimes
and cuz of that
ive been missing
a lot of things

im too tired to interpret for now
but also for now
these are the words
i can manage to say

im doing alright,
just...
pensive, i suppose

or tired? or something.
not too bad though..
i got to take a nap earlier today

mm, but regardless..
the words i want to say come out so jumbled,
even in my long awaited opportunity
to finally spew them all

...i really liked reading tonight before going to bed
i really like reading to someone else until they fall asleep < 3

i like the sound of restful breathing
and the company of a room
that isn't empty

...and isn't
normally empty, either