better than you know yourself

you know you've found a life-long friend

when they understand your secret quirks

before you can even put them into words yourself yet

< 3 you pri-pri

miss you, wifey =]

dont

...leave me

as put together

as you found me

so that

i can lock the door

behind you

turn the lights off

in my room

and

cry"

some friends and i finally got a chance to get together

and it was an amazing three days of adventure

so much so,

that i couldn't believe

it could happen so naturally

and feel so at home

after so long

that i could find myself

so easily

after so long

of putting on so many other roles

that i could relive that part of me

and be reminded that it was part of the present

and not the past

i could just be getting too old, already

or maybe i'm just more of a pansy, the good kind,

the..allowed to feel kind

when it comes to my friends

but when they left

it was incredibly lonely

all at once

and all together

it shook my insides enough

that my outside came close to following suit

that pain seemed to reverberate

a loneliness i was only partially aware

id been avoiding for so long

i missed them dearly

less than a minute after they were gone

four days of keeping a too-emo-for-the-public post

unposted later

i've decided

how blessed i must be

to have friends

i can cry over

and miss

with all my heart

and love

with even more

than my heart

can apparently

handle

thank you for everything < 3

thank you for You

thank you for all of you

im so excited

to keep living this life

with all of you in it =]

aren't we just as young as we want to be anymore?

even if i close my door all the way

and my own walls offer only the ticking of a clock

and accommodating silence

outside my room, just down the hallway

there's always a comforting sound of children laughing,

playing, or singing in the background

not in a horror movie, creepy, sort of way

but in a...

somewhere out there

the world is full of life

sort of way

and i'd love to be

a part of it.

are we happy yet

we ask for so many things

but in the end,

all we really want

is someone to stay

[with me]

i am stronger than i look

my heart will heal

and my heart will break

but i'll never be alone < 3 .

days like this

by rival summers

Days like this, they make you lose track

Of things that you wish you could have back

Just open your eyes and see what’s in front of you

When I close my eyes, you’re all I can see

Anywhere with you is where I’d rather be

Instead of hoping to catch a wiff of your perfume

These words were on the tip of my tongue

But then I figured they were better yet sung

Because words they mean nothing but a song is forever

And If I had to that’s how long I’d wait for you

I never said that it was easy

In fact it’s the hardest thing

That I have ever had to do

I never said that it was easy

If anything I know if I let you go

I lose myself and everything I know

Days like this, they make me lose sleep

This is a promise that I plan to keep

My heart is Yours, it stands above everything

I’m on my knees at the side of my bed

I hope to God this is all in my head

My love’s a bottle of sand and a mood ring

I never thought I was much of anything

But then You spun me around and showed me everything

Has it’s purpose but all of it’s worthless if

You’re MIA again, I’m still here waiting for you

i hope you don't think i'm ridiculous

if i were to tell you that this song

reminded me of You

it's still a muddled message in my head

and i don't have the capacity or time to dissect it for you yet right now

but trust me

it's a Jesus song

most love songs usually are < 3

MIA again,

hannah

smile

i think i can do that.

i think i have

plenty of reasons

to do just that.

i keep forgetting

that those reasons

are simply

more important

than anything in this world

for me to stress about

...

i'll keep praying.

i know i'm not there yet

but whether i'm exactly

where i want to be yet

or not

(especially since it's for sure the latter)

i know the place

i need to stop

stubbornly

trying to leave

which is in His arms,

in God's embrace

that insists

that everything is gonna be okay

and that i don't have to make this journey

or take these steps

however many may seem to span overwhelmingly ahead

i don't have to take them alone

and each step

is a blessing

to an adventure

i'm gonna wish

will never end.

time out

sometimes i think i just need a time out

it's like helmets

it works so well for little kids

that i have no idea why adults don't allow themselves

the mandatory privilege

to use them too

thought exhales

...i've kind of had a lot of them lately.

tons.

but i haven't quite taken the time to write them down yet.

i'm not sure when i will.

dont tell anyone

...but the truth is,

i'm feeling really lonely today.

today,

everybody else

gets to celebrate my sister's bday with her

together

without me.

i know it isn't about me

but i feel left out

of a lot of birthdays.

i miss

everyone.

sincerely,

hannah

but i do care

the bigger question is, should i?

as much as i do i mean--while the guy in this song doesn't.

my last post was deceptively cheery, when in truth im actually

quite the mess of insecurities right now.

stressed out once again, and ive been tired for days

daaaaaays

i havent quite learned to sleep comfortably in my own new bed right now

and i still wake up feeling familiar, but not quite at home

like ive gone away, but know theres nothing to come back to

so i have to keep moving forward

cuz of course, it's really the only way left

and then this song came up--which confuzzled me

not trying to be cute, just trying to be efficient

(well im not anymore now that im taking the time to explain it)

i was both confused and puzzled (pleasantly so) at the same time

but in some odd way

it cheered me up to hear it:

i think there's a lot of pressure

from others

and also, if not mostly, myself

to be something

i think im supposed to be

and missing who i thought

i might have once been

"I’m just an ordinary guy
just getting by
riding the tide trying to hide
I’m just an ordinary face
finding my place
you won’t remember my name
after I go away"

..but is that really my problem?

is that a problem at all?

...that i really, really wish you would

(remember my name)

just cuz i know almost for sure

that some part of my oversentimental heart

will do its best

to always remember yours?

(ironically i was having a really hard time remembering

the name of two of my fave clients who got kicked out of

the rehab center i work at...i took me so long to remember

till i finally looked one up.

but even if i had forgotten his name

i knew there was no way

id forget him.

and that my stories

wouldnt still have him in it.

and the way i tell the story

of the rest of the things

that happen in my life

will for sure

by colored by the things

i remembered of him too)

"Everyone tells me I’m a rare condition

and maybe that God has a different plan for me

I don’t presume to know

the reason’s a mystery

people always telling me that I am something special

well it’s too much pressure to take"

i think im the one that's making it that way

im the one whose making it too much pressure

because im putting all teh pressure on myself

as if its my own merits that will make me be remembered

and that these are merits i earn myself

rather than embracing

that theyre all gifts

given to me my God to begin with

and that the only thing i have ownership of

or more like--need to take ownership of

is my faith IN God

that there will always be something to remember

dear life,

i started grad school.

(as if you didn't already know.)

good news is,

i haven't run into any of the same

blood thirsty squirrels

i previously bumped into before

during my trip to the campus prior to classes starting

(not yet anyway.

they've seen my face though.

so i worry).

pleasantly surprising bad news is,

bears followed me

and a new chapter of bear hunting

may very well begin

(the cynic in me cringes,

knowing how these second spin-off seasons

usually go though...

especially compared to the original).

id post pictured to explain what i mean by both of these news but neither of my cameras are working, and i have a thing with exploding my phone whenever i try to get the memory out by myself to upload pictures online.

until then though,

i will try to keep adventures logged

and misadventures as a sidenote

just so the adventures continue to look even better

in comparison

still some trouble sleeping on my own bed,

hannah

asian dramas

its sad that i woke up this morning

thinking and acknowledging to myself

that i would spend the extra time awake this morning

not getting more stuff done

or getting an early start on my day

not reading or going on a run

not packing up more stuff

or getting ready for tomorrow

or my drive to sac

but running away

saying goodbye to priya was too..

...everything really.

i know she'll be back

but everything that was solid and stable

constant and real before

are fading into things

that will be intangible memories

in almost no time

no matter how late i sleep

the day still ends

no matter how early i wake up

the day is still too short

im scared of moving out

im scared of driving

im scared of school

im scared of all the new things

i dont feel ready

...to be

materialism

some things were worth getting

because you know you've left the world

a better, smarter, wiser

..more interesting place

because of it.

*as evidenced by the perfectly practical,

objectively essential domo dice

that i got my brother last christmas

/end wise existential musings of an obviously

intellectual individual at 3 in the morning

every dream in my head

every word that i've read

everything that i've thought

thought but i should have said

all the things that i've done

all the races i've run

comes together in one

but i don't know what's to come

please make every part of me

stand up and fight

to save the whole world,

please turn the dark into light

please make every part of me

believe that You can do more

to save the whole world

and the ones i adore

it's just the way

just the way

that You are

it's just the way

it's just the way

the way that we are

we are

the more time that passes by

it all becomes much clearer why You are

(...and have called the rest of us to be)

different from everyone

what faith can do

it's not about what i can do, anymore

cuz in all honesty,

that was never too much

to begin with

but with faith, i'd like to think

that those even those little things

i've been created to do

can finally be enough

it's about what He can do

...and He can do anything.

i'm beginning to think

[to hope, to feel, to wish, to believe]

it might be safe

to step forward.

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world,

but to save the world through Him. -John 3:17

i want to be a dreamer

...a believer

i've lost my faith

in so many things

but i want to believe

in You

please, Lord

make me new.

i want to mean these words,

they're the words i need to hear the most

Your words are what i need to hear the most

i don't have every answer

to be honest, i don't have any.

if this is how a weary heart stays alive,

Lord, all i have is You.

The Redeemer
Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where heaven and earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)

'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

when the world says you can't

...it'll tell you that you can.

"my dear hannah,

don't forget

to smile genuinely

always

...and if you must cry

do so with all of your heart."

i was just walking out of the rehab center at the end of my shift. this thought came to mind as i took a second glance back at the room of clients sitting in the dining room during their group. i smiled, waving goodbye at them as their image blurred behind the lined glass of the closing door. and i knew that i meant it. and i hoped--sincerely, that they knew that i did. and part of me came to grip once again, at what a taken for granted privilege it was that i have..to have the opportunity to do so.

they smiled back, waving goodbye.

its like waving to a friend--or smiling in recognition when someone you know enters the room and you make eye contact. it's like the immeasurably valuable privilege and honor, of being the one to have interpreted the truth "you are known" to another person. the acknowledgement that your presence is real, and that it matters.

and part of me kind of just figures--knows almost for a fact--that people like them who have grown up in the surroundings of needing to read others as best as they can to survive...are just the kind of people who would know or sense, if my smiles were in any way insincere at all. my solution is this: i resolve to mean it..every smile i give. i resolve to mean it--to smile sincerely..always. and remember that there is something about each of them, that will always deserve smiling towards. according to grace.

as for crying--i do it often and not often at all. i'm a pansy at heart--though most times, it's that heart that i try to cover up the most. like if something hurts--ill remind myself that it shouldn't. i should be 'stronger' or 'smarter' than that. if something is heartbreaking, ill keep it as far away as possible. and the rest of me will be as dettached as possible.

and in turn im the one

suffocating myself

and getting so caught up in what i should or shouldnt feel

that a lot of times i dont know

what it is that i really feel

at all

i want to cry

with all of my heart.

i didn't realize that this phrase and the one before it would end up being the answer to the depressing events that followed. when i felt myself losing hope at an overwhelmingly broken world, and a heart-wrenchingly broken people--who would have thought that God's response to me would simply be to ask me to smile, and to mean it when i do. and cry--in a way that takes to heart the truth that it is safe to.

i dont think we're asked to 'turn the other cheek,' because pain is any more bearable or any less sharp as a Christian. i think we're asked to look our fears in the eye, and stand up to them..and let them know we have no reason to be afraid. not even of pain, or hurt--those things are inevitable. its a healthy fear, sure. but it shouldn't be the fear that keeps us from loving. and it should most definitely not be the fear that keeps us from hoping.

it's really scary--

it's really depressing

when i think about what these people are going through

the ones who i've gotten to know

the ones who i've laughed with

smiled at

and can pick out from a crowd

and know by name

and then i realized that these fears

this brokenness--reached beyond just the walls of the rehab center

families and friends,

my own family

my own friends

people are just really good at hurting each other.

it's sad but it's true.

..which makes it even more important for me to remember

that the following words--are real and they're

just as true too

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,

that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.-John 3:16

Life is so much more

Than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way

If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds

You don't have a chance

(That’s what faith can do)

When the world says you can’t

It’ll tell you that you can!

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world,

but to save the world through Him.

-John 3:17

update

i want to blog
about adventures,
and new places
new people
cultures
and things

and in truth,
i can't say
that im not experiencing
all of the above

its just not in the glamorous context
that my pride or self-centered ideals
would willingly choose to prefer

im not in another country,
experiencing new things
adding things to my vocabulary
of exotic, enviable places
that ive visited

im not interacting with people
who are outrightly-poverty stricken
--well, that's just it
they kind of are
but not in the
hold your hand to your chest
and clutch your breaking heart
while biting your lip
holding back tears
kind of poverty stricken

...instead
its the kind of poverty-stricken
that we turn away from
pretend not to see on the streets
pretend not to overhear,
the yelling coming from our neighbors houses

the poverty stricken
the ones we dont make eye contact with
the ones who we've secretly internally decided
(but would never say outloud)
probably don't deserve to be looked in the eye
to begin with

the poverty stricken
...who stand next to us
in line at the grocery,
at the bus stop,
or even in the seat
next to us
in church

worshiping the same God
..or some, in some way
hoping or trying to

...huh.

i think i've been caught up in one way or other
in looking for, or seeking some sort of grandeur

and i guess i was kind of not expecting
paint chipped drug and alcohol rehab centers in the middle of nowhere,
tales of rat poop sprinkled old client files and a house of clicky, gossipy women,
and dimmed, mostly abandoned in-transition office buildings with noisy printers
to be the package that these grandeur lessons,
enlightenment moments, and cultural exposure
to come into my life in

i guess i was expecting
...something else

and now im anxiously stumped
for a moment or source of inspiration
to remind me what it was
i was inspired
to do
to begin with

just because
the inspiration itself
did not come in the package
i expected
or would have preferred
for it to come in

i think ive caught myself--
too caught up in myself again
in a lot of ways

a lot of anxious, non-trusting, impatient ways

i have a lot more thinking to do
and a lot less, at the same time

...im going to go to bed now.
goodnight

are you coming home?

i'm waiting,

for you to finally say
you are here
and here to stay

i need to hear this.

that everybody loves each other like we do.

...imperfectly.

family album heels

shorter posts
later calls
texts

follow up emails
responses
one on ones

schedules
deadlines
phonecalls

a movie
a lunch
a dinner
a visit
a call

a paycheck
and--none.

1 a.m.

folding
folding
sorting
hanging
folding some more

a mess.

ill do my best
to be the best me
a fractured sentence
can be

"it's God's safe harbor..."

"...why play it safe?"

that's what my mind, or my heart
or something in there
keeps asking me

but i cant help but just feel nothing but fear
im just scared.
im scared all around

my heart feels pressured into immobilization
my mind feels like its racing against an invisible opponent
as if collecting gold coins in a timed video game race

im collecting answer after answer

thinking the number of those answers
will be the only thing that saves me

instead of trusting in the inevitable unknown
that comes with putting my faith in God

..and that's just it
somewhere along the line
putting my faith in God
became an unreasonable,
impractical, if not irrational option

trusting where God has placed me
or wants to put me
suddenly becomes
a pool of regret
because something didn't happen
exactly the way
i thought it should
and planned for it to

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

im scared, God.
im scared of loving.
and im scared of what it might look like to.

i feel like a part of me
has distanced myself from family
for so long--that the idea of being close to
and more fully known by a part of my family (my aunts)
becomes suffocating, instead of comforting

i feel like i've thrived off of
movement, and the desire for change
that only when im in a different place from before
and visibly so
can i be validated
as a productive member of society

..as if there's always
something to prove
and someone
i cant trust
to prove it to

"How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me...

'Cause I'll never get by
living on my own
ability"

but that's exactly what i've been trying to do
that's exactly what i'm unable to do
but it's also exactly what i've been deceived into thinking
i alone would have to do.

"When I'm weak,
You make me strong
When I'm lost
You shine Your light on me"

i want to write my own story
and i want to fit You where i think is best into it
i want to decide my own successes
in a way where i can attribute them to myself
as my own successes

it's ironic, but sometimes
i'll have faith
in my own faith

like--if i take this huge leap
this will put my faith
in the best of light
that i want to shine on it
yeah--thats it.
that's where i can fit God
in the midst of my own decision-making
and plans

and i pat myself on the back
for a good job
and then punish myself for any thoughts
of going against my own plans or ideas
and without realizing it
im doing exactly what i shouldnt be doing
which is not leaving any room for God

i pat myself on the back for my own plans
and weaving faith into it
instead of leaving room for God
as someone greater than my faith
and my ability to believe
and that's the minimum that i do
is that i "leave room"
here and there
for God
rather than centering
all that i am
and all of my plans
around Him
and His will
and how i can obey it
rather than how
it can fit
around me
and what i want

...why am i so eager
to stand up for myself
as if no one else--
as if God Himself
isn't already doing so?

"So I'll stand on Your Truth,
and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory,
by the power of Christ in me"

..."the power of Christ in me"

...to be honest
the idea of that--of Him
existing in someone
as i am right now--
someone like me...

isn't yet...
it's not yet something
that i can genuinely say
i believe in--or more like
know HOW to
believe in

im scared all around
im scared, and im weak
and i've lost confidence
a zillion times over
...every time
i've tried to let that confidence
be a light
that shines on, or from me
alone

i don't
i honestly right now
don't..know how
to believe or to recognize
Christ's presence, nonetheless
His power
as something alive
and beating
and a part of me--
inside me
that close to me

..but i want to

Lord...
i really want to.

[this is where the lies spill out,
reminding me im unworthy
reminding me im alone
reminding me i belong
only to myself
because no one else wants me
...when i know
even deeper
that i want to belong
to Him
im just too afraid
to admit
to accept
to live boldly
as if
i already
do.

...in making my decision

..what would that look like?]

i chose you long ago

"have you chosen me yet?"

i think im going crazy
all this time, few days that its been,
ive done nothing but flip back and forth
and when i finally draw closer and closer to a conclusion
i realize that im, in reality,
nowhere near
nowhere at all near
the answer
at all

my understanding is so limited

my heart is so shallow,
and untrustworthy

i dont--
i cant--
..im not confident in myself

and in truth
i hear that song
and i hear God asking me
the more important question
of am i confident
in Him?

He chose me long ago
He loved me since before i knew
what love was, or before i was
alive to experience it

and He's asking me now
telling me it's up to me
and asking me
if i've chosen Him yet

...but i dont know what it means to choose Him
i dont know what it looks like.

will i never be good enough?
i feel like its not even Him im trying to prove myself to
but to others, to...myself

Lord, God...
am i ready to go back to school yet?
am i ready to live this life everyone else
really wants me to--and soon?

if i dont follow
these carefully dotted lines
of the perfectly structured path
called 'ease,' 'efficiency,' 'responsibility'
...will my world fall apart
if held together
by faith--
by the idea of faith?
rather than the solidity
of reality
the concrete foundation
of money. practicality.
and the steady heartbeat
of a ticking clock
thumping echoes
in everyone's ears?


im scared to admit
that i dont really know what it means
to live as if i fully, truly, completely believe
in something to believe in

and i think the ironic part of that
is that what keeps holding me back
is my own obsessive desire
to want to believe
instead
in myself

the self that keeps failing
the self that wont follow through
the self that i know will let me down

i know there's something to believe in
i know there's something greater than myself
bigger, stronger..more loving
than i could ever know or express
love to be

Lord God,
im just having trouble
trusting it--
trusting You

..im so scared
of losing control
of my own failures
or successes

and You place your knowing hands
over my clenched, suddenly toddler-like fists
willing me to let go,
of all of these things
that hurt me

but at the same time
patiently waiting
and ready to hold
my trembling hands
in Yours

the flowers that You gave me

"despair is when the devil tricks
a living person into thinking
their overflowing cup of hope is empty."

...so i was about to write an emo, angsty blog entry
referring to some sort of process of fading dreams
or jaded hope, and fleeting trust--draining even

then when i typed the title of "all the flowers that you gave me"
the history popped up to show me that i had actually written one already

..and i think it may just be
God's way of reminding me
that as drained and tired as i may feel now
and as abandoned or bitter or hurt as i may want to feel now
as i may sulk myself into continuing to feel now

..that God's love for me
is still--still
and always will be,
contrary to my
surviving fears,

relentlessly

overflowing.

i am still
so, very loved.

i know this.
and this should be simple

i think i just needed to be reminded this

that my flowers
are not like the flowers here
that inevitably wilt
no matter how lovely it once blossomed

that my flowers
bloom eternally

His love for me
is perfect
and complete.

...and according to Him
i can--
and i will be, too.
and in a sense--
after the cross...
also, already am.

...and hope does not disappoint

"Just as soon as we turn toward Him with loving confidence, and say, “Thy will be done,” whatever chills or cripples or enslaves our spirits, clogs their powers, or hinders their development, melts away in the sunshine of His sympathy.
… He does not free us from the pain, but from its power to dull the sensibilities;
not from the poverty and care, but from their tendency to narrow and harden;
not from calumny, but from the maddening poison of its sting;
not from disappointment,
but from the hopelessness and bitterness of thought
which it so often engenders."

-William W. Kinsley

i like this quote a lot..< 3

i just got it in an email a friend sent me
and it made me think a lot about where i am

i think itd be easiest just to pray
and ask him...to help us...not fail
itd be easy to pray
and ask to succeed

itd be easy to pray
for things not to hurt
anymore

i like that instead, this quote doesn't try to put our will above His...
it doesn't try to insist it as if we obviously know better--what pain is worth it and what isn't
as if we obviously know better
what our lives should be filled with
or look like, or definitely, definitely
precisely, and specifically be

i like that this quote looks past pain
and into the real heartbreaking thing about it
which is its ability to leave us jaded
and worn...unwilling
to hope
automated to think
its better not to feel

he dares us to be generous
even amidst our own feeling of poverty
and to care
even when everyone else
has decided
its best to be 'too cool' for it

...i had to look up calumny
but apparently it means rumors or slander
malicious and false statements
that defame the object it talks about

we're asked to remember our identity
who we are--praying against the slow poison
that the betrayal of words
or feeling of being unknown
that will otherwise tear us down
starting from the inside out

i like that we're not asked
not to fail
instead we're asked
to remember our strength
and rise above
the otherwise engulfing waves
of disappointment

we're not asked
not to fail
but we're asked
not to let ourselves be defined by them

and not to let the fear
or bitterness over that failure
keep us from hoping
and trying
once again

i like that this quote
doesn't ask
for a life
without fear
but instead reminds us
that even the most crippling of these fears

are nowhere near
as big
as the warmth and presence
of our God

...because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” – Romans 5:1-5

known

...i secretly like to make faces at myself in the bathroom mirror,
for my own entertainment, and am always curiously intrigued at the grotesque that can come from an otherwise very ordinary (if not already regularly grotesque) face

i already revealed that in the last entry though.


besides that

i really, REALLY like chocolate soymilk
and i think one of my favorite things to wear
besides sundresses,
would probably be any combination of shorts and tights
with either high top laced shoes
or some sort of huge shirt

does that matter?

that my money conscious asian mother
has raised me to be appalled and ashamed of myself
if ever i catch myself ordering a full meal?

cuz obviously, water's healthier any way
and what're the chances of me really REALLY being able to finish a full meal?
(i ordered one today at in and out, much to my own horror,
and didn't even come anywhere near finishing the fries.
i am a dishonor to my people--
and mostly, to my mom. D: )

...i LOVE love love
movies where i dont have to think
gushy chick flicks, solved conflicts, and ridiculous characters
and i figure its because i spend so much time thinking
about every thing else in the world i could possibly think of
and overthinking everything else in my own world
that i really dont have to be thinking of
...that a break now and then is just..refreshing

that said--im going to add "crazy little thing called love"
to my list of all time favorite movies

its not that i dont like being intellectually challenged
intrigued, touched, made to think, or care
it's just that...i do that
and its nice, and more rare,
when i dont have to

when i start a book--
i just cant put it down
at least if its a story book of any sort
i NEED to know what happens next
and i put a lot of my life on hold until i do
...and that's why i didn't do much reading just for fun
for the majority of the time i was in college

..i've always been secretly self conscious about my eyes
less and less so over the years
and sometimes, not at all
but i just thought i'd say it now
cuz im finally brave enough to
without being afraid you'd think less of me
though i wont pull it past anyone to take a double take the next time they see me
to look for what ever really is wrong with them that im self conscious about
thereby making this confession super counter productive to my improvement steps

....someday
i want to live in spain
even just for a lil while
in a spanish speaking country

and vacation with my future husband
or group of girl friends in greece

i think i enjoy walks
and running
but never really have hoped to be
anywhere near actually physically fit
but just hope to hold on to the shores of almost healthy

these are just a few things im really naming
and im not sure how much is already known
or unknown, a surprise, or expected

but i think some days
i just want to remember
or feel a hint of
being known

i think somedays
i just want the chance to tell someone
something besides my name,
or met expectations

i think every once in a while
every one feels that way
where they wish someone would ask
and someone would want to know

every once in a while
it's like a treasured standstill moment
when you realize
...someone already does
and genuinely
really wanted to.

inaction

every now and then
inaction drives me crazy

i dont want to be
sitting still

when i know my body is wasting away because of it.

...does that make me a terrible person?

..nah.
maybe.
just impatient
and terribly, terribly,
selfish.

let's not forget
immature.

a dash of lazy doesn't help either.

i will get back to you once i find the picture of a restful monday.

sunday evening

(though actually,
some would call this night
a few, "morning.")

i find myself with a mickey mouse sneaker gloving each hand,
landing from hopping up and down,
and probably preparing for another following jump, if necessary
korean music blasting in the background from my roommate's laptop
while she begins the night's work for classes

i am...
wide awake, exhausted, and only partially rested
only partially interested, only partially..a lot of things
trying to kill an overly friendly risk-taking moth
that i just discovered had a friend

i think my weekend mornings always start in a haze,
im never really quite awake for them
and by the time the day ends
it started so early in the day
that sometimes it feels as if
whatever world that those events took place in
was so far away,
that i wonder how much of it
was made up in my mind
and how much really happened
outside the narratives of reality
that i process and construct in my head

every now and then i feel the need to stretch my face
when im alone washing my hands in the restroom
and i make funny faces at my reflection for my own entertainment

my face is tired from hours and episode after episode
of not having much of an expression outside of polite smiles
and confused glances, or at the most..perplexed furrowed brows

i am...
skeptical, unfriendly, too friendly that i wonder at its sincerity
i am miscommunicating, afraid, not the person i know i am
i have lost
my voice

and in its place i have
silence

feigned confusion
real confusion--feigned consciousness

i am
at a distance,
at best

i miss me
sometimes
and cuz of that
ive been missing
a lot of things

im too tired to interpret for now
but also for now
these are the words
i can manage to say

im doing alright,
just...
pensive, i suppose

or tired? or something.
not too bad though..
i got to take a nap earlier today

mm, but regardless..
the words i want to say come out so jumbled,
even in my long awaited opportunity
to finally spew them all

...i really liked reading tonight before going to bed
i really like reading to someone else until they fall asleep < 3

i like the sound of restful breathing
and the company of a room
that isn't empty

...and isn't
normally empty, either

i am judas' kiss

you say good morning

and good evening

day is done

and you've come to find

the words are fleeting
i hear your quiet,

breathing

...is something wrong?

the refrain

"...i'm a monster."

after a long pause,
and an episode of tears that had spent too long uncried
and words left too long unspoken
and truth too painful to be told
and pain too real
to have to take the responsibility
to have caused

these were the only words left
and my friend uttered them in defeat
horror, shock, and repulsion

she saw for the first time who she was
and she hated every part of it
she saw for the first time, for the millionth time
what she could do nothing but reject, fully
for the first millionth time, for the...zillionth time
her body was shaking with sobs

and i wish i had a more comforting answer
and i wish i had a more profound response
but all i could do instead--
was feel relieved

as if her words had just unveiled
a curtain of uncertainty
and in the process crumbled off some weight
in my cement shoes of expectations
that i had to live up,
heavy steps suddenly lightening
in my struggle to continue forwards

"...yes."
i blinked
and inhaled a breath
her words surprised me
and uttered freedom

"we all are, aren't we...?"

freedom from the expectation
or the performance driven faith
to think that i could be anything otherwise
on my own efforts.

"i feel like..that's just it, isn't it? that's the truth. and we are."

freedom lightened a weight
i hadn't even realized was on my chest

"who are we to expect to be more than or otherwise?"

i looked at her
with the most love i'd been able
to feel for her brokenness
in a long time

"you are a monster."

she winced at my initial response,
but by now i found myself dumbfounded with her
and realizing the urgency of gathering my words
before they could be translated to another hurt
another lie, for her to keep and carry with her
for who knows how much longer

"i am too. so is she. we all are. that's...that's the point isn't it?"

...isn't it?

"that's the point of the gospel."

that's the beauty of grace

"that we're all monsters."

and even though we are--even though
in a way..as long as we're in this world...we always will be
that He loved us any way

"But He loves us anyway."

that's present tense.
i forgot about that--
but that's important.

"and that knowledge in itself...
that Truth above all else
means we're gonna be okay."

i doubt i said it half as eloquently--
or anywhere even vaguely articulate as i quoted to up there
but whatever it was--it's..
it's what i meant to say
it's what i wish i could articulate now
explain even just a little bit now

i feel like the song is a good representation of it.

The father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

"...i'm a monster."

The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

"...yes."

Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

"well...we all are, aren't we?"

Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray

"that's the point of the Gospel."

Singing the first verse so conveniently

"That we all are."

He’s forgotten the refrain

"But He loves us anyway."

Jesus saves!

maybe it isn't about
how good we can be
maybe it isn't about
how spiritual, how right,
how commendable, admirable,
beautiful, or perfect
we can sculpt ourselves
expect ourselves
or be proud of ourselves
to be able to live up to be

...as much as it is about

just how LOVED we are
in spite of that
in spite of ourselves
in spite of our shortcomings
in spite of the inevitability
of our failures

that the beauty of it all

is that it isn't
on us anymore

it isn't up to us
to save
ourselves

because if we open our hearts
to receive this love
that reaches, embraces, and pours out to us

then we'd see
that we were already
saved
to begin with

and our lives can be
an appreciation,
a cry of joy,
a celebration
of that freedom

maybe being broken
isn't so hopeless
after all

but a tangible
representation
of the kind of hope
the kind of love

love
that we didn't deserve
could never deserve
but to this day
and for all eternity
keeps us alive

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.
Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person,
though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners,
Christ died for us."
-Romans 5:6-8

the tired song

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

...but.

• unpack (some more)
• grocery shop (done)
• laundry (done)
• read (almost)
• run (maybe tmrw)
• go on a walk (check)
• call home (check)
• watch a movie (sorta)
• finish listening to sermon (somehow)
• paperwork for CCL (did i lose that?)
• clean up the fort
• organize books to sell
• mail old and very late presents
• deposit paychecks
• work on a budget (again)
• call csus
• work on resume (with ray)
  
• submit that one
  
• work on another resume (sac children's home)
  
• submit that one too
  
• begin scheduling gre study schedule
  
• read boundaries
• read boundaries in dating
• call that # for ucc
• clothes ready for sales at work
• phonecall w/ kevin
• dinner with justin
• shoe date with collin
• eventual support meeting w/ gabe
• chart previous mileage for sales at work
• change nail polish to be work appropriate
• mas grocery basics shopping; ie: contact lens soln and more shampoo soon
• return allergy medicine
• figure out support stuff
• buy that book by something sedaris to read for fun
• stop stressing out about all these little details and take an effy NAP already--or better yet, stop converting sleep times into naps and enjoy a FULL nights sleep for once
• ...inhale. exhale. destress. visually--it actually doesn't have to be that bad. i think i just need a good night's sleep and i'm set.
  
• forgive self for silly to do lists
  
• < 3
  

Oh
Today I don’t feel like doing anything
Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at all

love letter

dear God,

i was reading about boundaries today, and it started talking about love.

"our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift.
the heart of God fashioned in His image is the center of our being.
its ablities to open up to love and to allow love to flow outward are crucial to life."

and i started thinking about all of the love,
i have so apparently been surrounded with
yet i continue to let myself mope
as if its presence is somehow
sometimes not worth acknowledging
as if the pain should be greater than there
as if i would be letting my guard down to believe otherwise.

"many people have difficulty giving and receiving love because of hurt and fear.
having closed their heart to others, they feel empty and meaningless."

by shying away from expressing and being who i really am--
in settings like the workplace, the shelter, the rehab center--
am i closing my heart off from even being seen or recognized by others?

"the Bible is clear about both functions of the heart:
the receiving of grace and love inward and the flow outward."

i've tried to practice that--but oddly enough i've tried to do so
while keeping my own heart hidden away
protected by my insecurities and lies

im not saying that fear isnt valid
im just saying--
that maybe something else should be more so.

"listen to how the Bible tells us how we should love: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...Love your neighbor as yourself' (Matt 22:37, 39).

how do i love others without first learning how to love myself
how do i love God with my all,
when my 'all' is too preoccupied with everything else
how do i expect my 'neighbor'
to feel anything more than the same insecure
unsteady identity to me, as i limit myself to feeling towards them

"and how we should receive love: 'we have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. we are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. as a fair exchange speak as to my children--I open wide your hearts also.'(2 Cor 6:11-13)

i think that would fall under
my cynic spectrum of:
'easier said than done'

"our loving heart, like our physical one, needs an inflow as well as an outflow of lifeblood. and like its physical counterpart, our heart is a muscle, a trust muscle. This trust muscle needs to be used and exercised, if it is injured it will slow down or weaken."

like my atrophied upper arm strength D:

"we need to take responsibility for this loving function of ourselves and use it. Love concealed or love rejected can both kill us.

many people do not take ownership for how they resist love. they have a lot of love around them, but do not realize that their loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness.

often they will say, 'others' love can not 'get in.'

this statement negates their responsbility to respond. we maneuver subtly to avoid responsibility in love; we need to calm out hearts as our property and work on our weaknesses in that area."

lines like that make me realize just how much responsibility i try to dodge in every form.

"it will open up life to us."

and lines like that unblur the picture a little bit
of the consequences that disowning those responsibilities can have
would have, quite possibly has

"we need to take responsibility for all of the above area of our souls. these lie within our boundaries. but taking care of what lies within our boundaries isn't easy; neither is allowing other people to take care of what lies within their boundaries."

sometimes it feels like a more frustrating cause if we were trying to get into those boundaries we werent allowed to be messing with to begin with--self righteousness taking importance over love. not to confuse with love through honesty as any less valid...but honesty comes with love. sometimes we ourselves are so caught up in the chance to say 'i told you so' that we forget that saying so, either verbally or non verbally, easily warps our original good intention into just another grey brick on the lovely path to self righteousness


"setting boundaries and maintaining them is hard work."

we've got another understatement.

..but at least we know it's understood.

im falling asleep at this point so i feel like im getting jumbled and my points are no longer clear.


but i guess i just wanted to say that this letter,
and any more after it in my journal
will my my literal attempt to respond
first in words,
since they're the best way i know how,
and hopefully followed soon
by action
and love.

in your holy name i pray that we all pray--
amen,

butternut squash

wednesday.

what makes a bad week?

is it...
a bad haircut?
or a rude hairstylist?
coming to border extra hours at work
just to find that that huge project that's 3 weeks past due--
you'd be working on on your own?
or finding that even after all that hard work
your boss still doesn't look happy with it

what about
going out of your way
to text your coworker to ask
when the meeting is,
since he moved it last min the week before
getting a reply,
thinking everything's fine
then getting a text from him after office hours
later that day--the evening before
what he told you was a postponed meeting
to ask YOU to email the boss
to ask to postpone the meeting to begin with?

like...basically asking you
to take the blame for the boss not getting word
until the EVENING before the MORNING MEETING
the boss thinks you're having
when you thought he MUST have already talked to the boss
if he told me hours and hours before that day
that the meeting would be postponed by a day

maybe it sucks too
little things, i mean
might suck too

like feeling like you're working hard for not good work
like feeling like you're doing all the work for your own "birthday surprise"
so you can please everyone else and make it easier on everyone else
while making it harder on yourself.

like people changing plans last minute
like going online shopping but refusing to let yourself buy anything
like feeling guilty for money you spend even when its just groceries
like feeling guilty too guilty to meet up with your discipler,
cuz you cant shake the feeling
that she's disappointed


..in who you are.


like
getting the lime green flats
you've been waiting for
in the mail
only to find that the flats you ordered half a size smaller
just to be safe--seem to be
half a size bigger
than what fits your feet?

what about finding out the tomato soup lunch
you've been looking forward to all day
is actually expired

or worse,
does it maybe suck
to be adventurous
and get butternut squash soup
INSTEAD
when you're right there face to face
with the tomato and red bell pepper one
you meant to compensate for

then coming to work the next day,
looking forward to lunch once again
to find that that adventurous supposed to be creamy and delicious
ITRUSTINTRADERJOES-butternut-squash-soup
...is actually just gingery, watery--gingery...WATERY...ginger...yellow..
soup?

and finding out
trader joes
good ol'
trader joe

let you down too?

...but what makes a good week?

is it
having a roommate
who supports you,
to support,
to catch up with
watch dramas with
be emo
and be crazy with?

is it having an old friend come back
from grad school
and sharing a good meal
with good conversation
and being let back into their life
as if you never really left?

is it being able to afford
that dinner--
any dinner
a lunch, a breakfast,
and snacks
to begin with

while the rest of the
probably-way-better-people-than-you
world goes hungry?

...is it
sunny days?
blue skies?
people who love you
and want to spend time with you?
people who trust you,
and want to learn from you?

a boyfriend who is patient with you
when you're going on in the same rant
you must have gone on
a bazillion times before
and whose most offensive lines he can come up with
to object to your obviously unreasonable temper and behavior
are the words
"you...youuuu..aanngryy person you. "

...Lord, maybe it's all just silly.

Maybe at some point we just have too much time to think
and complain, and rant, and be frustrated..
and maybe even writing this post
isn't gonna make me any less bratty
or dissatisfied, or even annoyed,
bratty, and bitter

but maybe,
hopefully,
desperately

this post will remind me
that all.those.things.

those terrible,
incurable,
nerve wracking,
exasperating,
heartbreaking,
immature
things

....are not all that i am.

because somehow
Your presence in my life

must obviously,
undeniably,
and genuinely

be just as --if not more
...present

...and more than definitely
more important.

"and all the flowers that you gave me..."

"...are just about to die."

"despair is when the devil tricks a living person into thinking their overflowing cup of hope is empty."

online shopping. classes. ministry. work. video games. facebook. tumblr. youtube. shoes. silence. boredom. guilt. lashing out. quiet. patience. blame. blame. blame. more silence. bitterness. hope--more bitterness. neglect. movies. keeping the peace. self righteousness. gossip. anger. envy. what if's. i should'ves. if only's. never's--lots of them. cynicism. wisdom. wisdom disguised as cynicism.....cynicism disguised as wisdom. exercise. strive. stress. achieve. sleep. worry. plan. plan. plan. fail. succeed. fail. fail. "fail." give up. laugh. cry. lie. lie. lie. believe--betray, be betrayed--...lie.

it seems
unarguably
true

that everyone
seems
to be
running.

...we're quite clever at the ways we do so.

but we're cowards, nonetheless.

after the rain

...disclaimer

i know that it is by far
nowhere near close to the end of this storm

but to go outside, and be greeted
by sunshine,
and streets sparkling
with the reflection of an unset sun
shining on wet pavement and still puddles

felt really warm
for the first time
in a while

the crisp cold air
tingling against my numbing cheeks

running faster and faster,
to nowhere in particular
without a schedule
or someone to please

spinning in circles,
jumping, strolling,
sprinting,
twirling
wandering

...smiling
for my own sake
instead of yours

smiling
not for propriety
or to respond
so that someone
notes, is appeased, or sees
that i am

but just...
smiling

because it feels good.

i had a refreshing run today. =]
it's kinda odd right now...it's the end of the day. and pri pri isn't home, and ray and i are sabbath-ing. and not to say that my world revolves solely around those two particular friendships...but i guess, sometimes, it's just easier to let it.

i wonder who else i could tell, who it would matter to...that...my pasta turned out surprisingly yummier than i thought it would today? and that...i got cooking the broccoli right this time around too. and that i'm excited that i've already prepacked my lunch for tomorrow. or that...im relieved that my boss at least likes my half of the projects being done that we're turning in.

...was i feeling lonely?
was that it, then?

i mean, i talked to priya and ray like every day.
and i'd meet up to hang out with jill and wendi at least once a week. i see stella once a week and tori once a week now too. and a few other friends in between sometimes like gabe, or andy or steven or matt in passing.

and as far as friends from far away goes, i know nabi and i keep in contact through blogs. i get to text yuki every now and then--and even got to talk to her on the phone a couple weeks ago too. i do miss michelle though. hm. my sister and i call occasionally. my mom calls every day. ive just a couple weeks ago caught up with chrissy...before that with ashley (EEP. i need to call her again D: ) and i mean--eff, i JUST got off the phone with jeanine this afternoon from a really heartfelt blessing of a conversation.

hm.

ray calls every day too. almost--well. we talk/contact each other almost daily. and see each other once a week. and i mean, hey my mom calls every day too, i said that.

...but i guess it's different.

it's different from...
living life with that person..isn't it?

ive just noticed this actually.

i mean it's spring break now, but even for the weeks before that pri pri was getting pretty busy with aphio stuff then finals came along and i knew she needed her space to focus and study then too. so while we do in theory live life together as roommates under the same roof..i guess we havent had that chance to 'live life together' as before.

i've kind of lost that aspect of community in epic too.
i don't go to the events or hang outs, and i've missed the majority of the large group meetings. i dont even go to a small group. i go to catalyst, or i try to, but i havent been going weekly recently. and even when i do, im not there to invest emotionally in the people. im just there cuz i want to learn. hm..even my own discipler isn't even constant, to be honest. she and i are supposed to meet once a week, but so far we've been meeting every other week or so, if even that.

and when it gets down to it, we're not really even within the same community. we're not even involved in anything mutual or on a same page with a lot of things. she just..knows me from what i tell her. and a lot of what i tell her are just the messes of me.

i think.
im lonely.

i don't have anyone that i live my life with in that way
where i share a community with them-- actually..
i'm not even IN a community.
i know OF one? i'm even...OF one. sorta.
i see people in that community, but i dont invest in them as my own anymore
or the thing is, i've made no efforts to intentionally do so
and i've even every now and then choose to remind myself not to

im not in a bible study.
im not necessarily even in the fellowship--cuz...i don't go to the hang outs after large group. i dont even go to large group. i dont know half of the people there. they aren't close to my heart--i haven't let them be. they are as a group, but not individually.

i think..
it's been lonely
not having anyone to live life with
in that sense at least,
for a while now

maybe its just cuz me, jill, and wendi's hangouts
have been way too much about business recently--
well.. actually, that's a lil hard too.
cuz since ray doesn't live here anymore,
he's not really as invested as part of that community either.
...hm. how do i explain this..
like--matt ing and matt wang have the common ground
of both leading different bible studies in epic,
they see each other, or have the opportunity to
their hearts are mutually invested in this community
and that's a common ground for them
but ray's heart in ministry is invested at post college from church at home
--well, its getting to be more and more so

i dunno..it just feels like there's a whole nother
mini community im trying to invest in
with wendi, jill, and the two matt's...
(+ gabe and a couple other youngin's)
and ray isn't really as much a part of it as the other two matt's are
so im investing in that community alone
(^sounds contradictory/oxymoron right there)

it's not anything intentionally bad or disappointing or something
kinda just how the way things are right now
like with how pripri invests in aphio
and michelle in grad school
we all just have
different lives

...and i guess im realizing
that it's impacting me a lil bit
to feel like--or to find myself more aware
of just how much i feel like
im living this life
on my own

not to say that the daily phonecalls with ray aren't also an amazing blessing
but at the end of the day (which is when these calls usually happen)
my whole day has come and gone, and ive lived it on my own
and only that small part kind of has him in it
...while i am simultaneously somewhere else
possibly doing something else
and following that same
independent schedule

its even different from when pri and i catch up with each other
whether briefly or for a while, sometimes even while looking off of our own laptops
but we'll do other things too...like share videos. or ill sit on her bed and watch one
or i send her a link to something and we both comment
or we sit on her bed and watch dramas
or even just having a snack, or a meal together


...there's something about
living life with someone

that just feels nice
to be able to do.

i think i'm gonna miss that constancy and stability
and that security i have through rooming with
and being hubby and wife with pripri

and i worry about what that'll look like next year, at my uncles. how much of my life they'll expect me to devote to them. and how much of their life they expect me to be a part of. and what i have to do to fill these expectations in a way that improves relations rather than strains them.

...and to be honest
sometimes it's crossed my mind to worry too--when ray talks about when i move to elk grove and we live that much closer to each other, yknow? i'm worried--well. mostly cuz i can. and it's what i do--i shouldn't. but most times i do.

but yes anyway--i worry thaat..hm. i worry what it will look like to try to integrate him into my life in that way, where i am not within the convenience of my portable phone and following my own schedule and doing my own thing around catching up with him. im worried about things as small as what itd be like to actually SEE him every day. wont we--would we get bored?

how will i fight that childish sense of entitlement to some of his time, when he isnt used to making room or time to give it in that physical presence now that its an option sorta way?

and as far as community goes...
would i end up investing in his? would i find my own?
would i be able to invest in his even with that feeling of--..it's "his" looming over my head?
i even remember a time when it was weird at first to hold my hand
in front of a person he knew from his church
cuz this person didn't know him as that ray,
or recognize him as a boyfriend or me as his girlfriend

^...this would have been the anticlimactic ending part
where i fell asleep and the post stops abruptly,
but instead i'll roll with it and throw in
a just vague enough but summarizing conclusion.

when it gets down to it...

i think i really just...
miss sharing life with people
and having a place
to genuinely
feel like
home

and people to call home with it.

running late [pt 2]

it's hard to look forward
to those days like the other day
when i wasted hours of my afternoon
doing things that i knew did nothing for me
just to diminish my already depleting time
on things, worldly things, lazy things,
means of escape
instead of taking the responsible steps forward
as a means of purposely
trying to grow

it was later than i meant for it to be
when i finally got up to get ready for my run
i hadn't read,
journaled,
or processed
anything
or done any of the things
i had meant to do
before i went for a long awaited run

i felt like i ruined my day
ruined my run that i was looking forward to all day
to celebrate the first sunny day of an otherwise dark, gloomy, soggy week.

because of my own shortcomings
it would no longer be the sunny refreshing run
that i meant it to be

i ruined it,
i felt like i ruined the very thing
i was meaning to do
to make me feel better
it would be too dark to even run soon
with all the time i had wasted being unproductive

...and i stepped outside
and was welcomed, in awe
of a glowing picture of a pre-sunset sky

where the rays came down
through cloudy silhouettes
and the light contrasted
beautifully
with the dimming sky
in a way that i never, by myself,
would have known to how to coordinate
just the right time
to be able to see,
and run alongside
such a picturesque scenery

in short, i guess...
my plans will fail
my efforts will fail
my time will be wasted
in my own hands
and my words will be
full of defensive,
at times self-deprecating
lies

...but it isn't up to me to paint that pretty picture
because the sky itself and all of its beauty
is something unfathomable for me to ever
have the ability to reach, and try to shape
to my own agenda, my own desires, my own will

and even if i tried
id never be able to come up
with a picture
as pretty
as the one i see now

no amount of harm
i could possibly see myself to be able to do
or beat myself up for doing

can even come anywhere remotely close
to doing any irreparable damage
to the flawlessness of Your perfect plans
that Your perfect love
has set in motion for us

let me not be that arrogant, Lord.

my timing isn't everything

what i really need to do
is learn to trust
in Yours.