i chose you long ago

"have you chosen me yet?"

i think im going crazy
all this time, few days that its been,
ive done nothing but flip back and forth
and when i finally draw closer and closer to a conclusion
i realize that im, in reality,
nowhere near
nowhere at all near
the answer
at all

my understanding is so limited

my heart is so shallow,
and untrustworthy

i dont--
i cant--
..im not confident in myself

and in truth
i hear that song
and i hear God asking me
the more important question
of am i confident
in Him?

He chose me long ago
He loved me since before i knew
what love was, or before i was
alive to experience it

and He's asking me now
telling me it's up to me
and asking me
if i've chosen Him yet

...but i dont know what it means to choose Him
i dont know what it looks like.

will i never be good enough?
i feel like its not even Him im trying to prove myself to
but to others, to...myself

Lord, God...
am i ready to go back to school yet?
am i ready to live this life everyone else
really wants me to--and soon?

if i dont follow
these carefully dotted lines
of the perfectly structured path
called 'ease,' 'efficiency,' 'responsibility'
...will my world fall apart
if held together
by faith--
by the idea of faith?
rather than the solidity
of reality
the concrete foundation
of money. practicality.
and the steady heartbeat
of a ticking clock
thumping echoes
in everyone's ears?


im scared to admit
that i dont really know what it means
to live as if i fully, truly, completely believe
in something to believe in

and i think the ironic part of that
is that what keeps holding me back
is my own obsessive desire
to want to believe
instead
in myself

the self that keeps failing
the self that wont follow through
the self that i know will let me down

i know there's something to believe in
i know there's something greater than myself
bigger, stronger..more loving
than i could ever know or express
love to be

Lord God,
im just having trouble
trusting it--
trusting You

..im so scared
of losing control
of my own failures
or successes

and You place your knowing hands
over my clenched, suddenly toddler-like fists
willing me to let go,
of all of these things
that hurt me

but at the same time
patiently waiting
and ready to hold
my trembling hands
in Yours