playing with fire

we all have those stupid moments.

and please, don't take lightly

when i use something like the "s" word

YES, it's an "s" word, to me

it may be two letters more than a four letter word

but, in my opinion, just as potentially damaging

offensive, inappropriate--and most times

inexcusable

except for times like these

when no other word 

will suffice

and sugarcoating

just wouldn't give the act

justice

justice.

it stings--but is oddly comforting

that this was something

we deserved--deserve

but thanks to God's grace

thanks to Jesus' sacrifice

we didn't

or do't

have to experience

because if every stupid action i made

had the full impact

of what we'll call

"justice"

i don't know if there would be much of me left

worth knowing

or 

forgiving

...dangit.

i digress.

and ask for room

to forgive

myself

because "justice" tells me

that i shouldn't

that it's

unforgivable

that it's

yknow.

the "s" word

it was stupid

it was dumb

i can't believe i made such an unprofessional

in my eyes--unethical, inappropriate,

putting my morals and standards

at risk

mistake

 and the example comes to mind

of that line you tell someone

not to cross--

and being the human creatures that we are

rather than staying as far away as possible

...we creep

as close

as we possibly

can

and see

how close

we can 

get

without

technically

crossing it

...technically.

but to be honest--thinking about crossing it

just knowing the line is there

and dwelling on it

and it's wrapped itself

around your ankle

already

pulling you in to the realm of

"it's not so bad"

or..."no one will know"

telling you

to steal

STEAL THAT EFFIN COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR

.....cuz maybe no one will notice

..but then what?

when you get away

at first--you're horrified

at what you've done

you can't believe you've

somehow, by some miracle

gotten away with it

...but then

..that's just it

you realize

you've gotten

away

.......

and you promise its the last time

ever ever ever eeeveeeerrrrr---

but before the promise even finishes leaving your mouth

you've already broken it--and you've already

kind of blurred 

the words

of what you said

what you meant

what you really said 

what you really meant

is this how an addict's mind works?

...do you really need to be an addict

to understand it?

or to think--whether mildly--or precisely

the same way?

i think this is a good reminder

my boss today, said it best

"it's good to be reminded

of the nature of the beast

that we're dealing with."

not just the monsters that we face

the villains that we--well, villanize

and people we scoff, think less of, or think

we're so much different

or better than

it's good to be reminded

of our own monsters

and the ongoing potential

for stupidity

ever since the first 

bite was taken

in our attempt

to taste

--out of curiosity,

no, insecurity

alone

what 

was not ours

to have

to begin with

...because it was the very thing

He was trying to save us from

all along

because He loves us too much

so much

even

where

we are

but too much

for his heart

not to break

to see 

where 

we are

and much too much

to keep us there

 

 

don't start

unbelieving. 

 

  isn't that enough reason to like this song?

the night sky is overwhelming
i don't know where it ends
and where i'm allowed
to begin

most times,
im met with
a distant, encompassing, dark
of empty
promises
of stars
that i have yet
to dig enough for
to clearly
see

im always falling behind.

i've come so far
but where am i now?

im stepping on thinning and thinning ice
wondering which faulted step
it will take
for people to realize
i've been lying
about my weight
all along

much to their disappointment, awkward uncomfortability,
and my embarrassment--
oh. and i guess, like, death
since i don't actually
know
how to swim

^something i shared with them
in jest, and they received
without worry
because it never crossed their mind
that id need to
anyway

afterall, here i've come
to the garden party of elite, grown up,
put together, successful,
adults

that we've decided to spice up
by throwing said garden party
on the thinning ice
that we elite
have the unspoken privilege
to stroll, safely, unscathed, through

...yet i wonder

how many people
are like me

pretending
not to wobble,
pretending
it didn't hurt
when they
slipped

pretending
to bounce back
faster
than they internally
did

looking
in envy
at those others
who seem
to dance

so freely

on the ice

 that we, ourselves,
have only pretended
to conquer

i like this song

and its implication

of love

that is yet, still beating

enough

to give

still plenty enough

to imply, a generous amount

of "all my love"

as opposed

to the scant,
surviving,

emptying

change

in our pockets

that Payphone suggests it to more closely resemble

oh, song references < 3 

do you really believe,

this is a healthy space?

that im..allowed

to this space

....for me?

do you really see my steps

my hesitant shuffling,

or bluffing strides

 as a form of "navigating"?

..will you really, so generously imply

that i am on the road or in the process

of finding 

my way?

...will you really wait for me?

 ..and be patient, 

truly,

genuinely?

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

words

just words,

my jaded, highly realistic, 

grown up self,

would like to say

but to me

you've given me

hope

those words

fight for the me

i've consistently

wanted

to give up

on

the me

that wants to shine

only to end up

in ashes, burnt dinners, 

misdirected anger,
lack of punctuality

and constrained passions

--my responses trampled by reactions

selfish, bratty,

aflame

the me thats so afraid

someone will notice

that i've fallen

at all

the me that's afraid 

i'll never learn

You think that i'm worth it.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not

And who I am

 

most of me,
to be honest
can't put the words together
to fully explain
why i love this song
as much
as i do

but i think,

im okay with that

and at least

to this song

softly

simple,

unimpressive, 

subtle,

and sweet

for once,

i'll finally

just listen. < 3

heavy-hearted

like a weight that sits
at the pit of your stomach

your heart
sinks,
like a rock

as the doubts--
the thick, sticky,
quicksand-like
pool
of anxieties

climb its way up
the sides
engulfing
like water to a sinking ship

a tightness in the back of your throat

a silence

that

lingers

because there's nothing they could say
nothing you could say
that would convince
either
of you
otherwise

and as your sinking heart,
your pride, your rationale,
bubbles over
under the mass
of insecurities
and hurts
that right now--
no one
wants
to hear

words toss
in the air,
splashing 
its peppermint
loop
next to your
submerged
atlantis
rocking
the wooden door,
you've long since
given up on

with nothing else--

hold onto it

"hope

floats"

it adamantly

claims,

a suggestion

that couldn't be

more appropriate

and yet

leaves you stubborn

and incredulous

You're asking me

to walk

on water