unconfident

im sure ive posted about this several times before--
and yknow, i think, ill probably continue to every now and then
and maybe if that happens enough,
ill get better at remembering
and accepting it
as phases, random spells,
natural, normal,
expected

..and okay.

and maybe in the process
the number of times i can get pulled out of it
can remind me that its only
a temporary state
and that these days wont
define
all of who i am
but the days it happens
is not any more reject-able
or unacceptable
or something to beat myself up over

the days it happens
itll just be another day
and another part of me
that ill get better
and better
at accepting
without being
identified by it
all together

maybe ill understand
that all parts of me
are valid

not just the put together parts
not just the presentable for society part
and definitely not just the 'good hair days' part

maybe i can even step out of the house with a crappy outfit, no make up, and pinned back bangs
and decide, and know for a fact--
that those things wont keep people from loving or treating me any differently
nor should i be any less confident of a person
or have less to be confident about

maybe i can still be pleasant company

...and maybe, when im not

that's okay too
because i don't have to be
all the 24/7 time

unconfident

i wondered what if

my hair was a little bit longer,

or maybe, a little bit shorter

maybe if i took some time

to change the color of my nails

or even go the extra mile

and paint my toes, too

i wondered what if 

i exercised a little bit more

could accomplish what i meant to

in the should've been possible span of time

i had spaced along my days

what if i was

on time for everything

what if i could

run a mile, 

in 8 mins

or run more than 

a mile, like

all the time

what if i

wore a skirt, 

or a dress

what if i had

cuter shoes

or, yknow,

face

what if

my hair

looked great

all the time

..and so did i

without

any make up

and what if i wasn't

afraid to, or ashamed to

wear make up at all

or not

at all

what if i could do

all of these things

afford some new tops

peculiar accessories

a cute backpack

what if i 

spoke

could speak

louder

and clearer

...would i hear my voice again then?

sometimes, the self i remember

seems so much further 

so much so

that it borders the line

of imaginary

or wishful thinking

sometimes the self

i want to remember

is replaced

by the things

i wish

i wouldn't

envy

and external things

i was unpleasantly surprised

to find that the things,

the immediate things

 the instant gratification things

that i reached out for, 

and turned to

in times of my

waning self-esteem

were all

external

i was raised

(as we all could've been)

to an extent

i have lived my life

to an extent

on an external-based

value system

of my worth depending

on people's

attraction

to me

approval

enjoyment

ultimately--

acceptance

...but not really

cuz if that was the case

then i would have let them

see the parts of me

that were harder

to accept

and i mean--i have

plenty of people

believe me

i have 

< 3 

and yet i do myself this disservice

of living a life of dissatisfaction

of spending my spare time

poured out

into envy

to all the people

i wish

i could

be

...i love my life

i really do

i honestly and sincerely

am blessed

in so many

ridiculously

gracious,

generous,

undeserved

ways

my life is one

of 

beautiful

things

beautiful

people

loved ones

love

i absolutely love

my life

if only i

could stop

getting in the way of it

this i

because it is

my lack of love

in me

and simultaneous 

obsession

with

me, me, me

that gets me to these places

of envy, dissatisfaction, and yearning

Lord, 

Jesus

these are the days

that You have made

Please help me

rejoice

and be glad

be present

be genuinely

in it

my negative feelings are allowed

this You've assured me,

i know You don't think less of me

the way i instinctively do

at the first sign

of imperfection

You love me as I am

and You've made Your perfect plans

including me--

and yet

in Your kindness

Your love

and grace

made room,

even for me

for my imperfections

in them

Thank you, Lord

for considering me

For loving me

For creating me

Lord, 

please help me

to find confidence

in the right things

and not be ashamed

out of taking joy

in the little things

(like painted nails

or a skirt

on a random day < 3 )

i will rejoice 

and be glad in it 

 

in shorter, prettier, less ear ringing words--

says,
"do not be afraid."

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in

Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone

To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is

And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me

Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'

"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"

And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant

With just a Sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors

Shaking in their armor

Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me

Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!

"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size

To put the giant on the ground

And the waves they don't seem so high

From on top of them looking down

I will soar with the wings of eagles

When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus

Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe 
because, 
Jesus,
You are
the voice of Truth

week 3

burnt out

already? 

 i wouldn't be too surprised,

seeing as, one, a review of my oldest blog has shown me that i am apparently in a recurrent and consistent state of either being burnt out or going through a process to work myself up to being there

and two,

life doesn't really work in its assumed chronological order

take this semester for example

so many times, already,

besides the obvious one of finding myself re-visited by ghosts of emo's past via my old blog review endeavor (this is high school emo-ness we're talking about here btw. the most overdramatically intense kind. yknow, the worst kind, cuz a lot of its intensity seems to everyone else like its just for show..and in part..it is..but unless you explore these feelings to their utmost capacity, you cant stretch yourself to reach all the other, more real feelings after it. case and point being high school romances that individuals find themselves taking too seriously, but dont decide they've taken it too seriously till after the fact, years later, when they "know better." but if you've never gone through those feelings of getting a taste of infatuation, heartbreak, and loss--it'll be like jumping onto and trying to pedal one of them fancy thin-wheeled fixed gears fancy schmancy name hipster bikes [i am ashamed to have a boyfriend who is into biking but still not know these terms. im sorry, boyfriend. im sorry, world] without first being acquainted with tricycles or training wheels. )

..wow, i totally digress. 

ahem, anyway. 

there is no such thing as

week 1

of the semester

as the beginning...

because of all the things preluding 

for that week 1 to even successfully begin.

as early as the end of the previous semester,

we've got started the blocks in which we'll be building this one

finals

recovering from finals

family crisis

recovering from said crisis

(parents' car accident,

thank God, they are both okay now)

health insurance hunt

dental insurance research

scholarship renewal

attending to relationship building/friendships

CR emotional roller coaster

job applications

tahoe excursion:

reunion with high school friends (marni + fam)

cousins, 

family,

high school self,

alpina coffee shop

and 

God

exhale.

and then.

here we go

financial stresses 

(ie: no scholarship, no part time job)

book costs

tuition fees

groceries,

or lack thereof

scheduling dinners

a menu

for other people

job investments

(relationally, with coworkers & growth-wise)

heart sickness

(also job-related)

 somewhere in the midst of this

school has already begun

re-ordering the correct books

printing syllabi

finding the right classes

time management to achieve punctuality

some sort of physical activity per week/day

gas bleeping money

reconnections

goodbyes

hellos

and 

things ill remember

after trying so hard to forget

i don't know if you can relate...

but in my over-exaggeration,

i will proclaim

that there is something

spirit-crushingly 

stressful

about not having time, 

space--a turn

an opportunity

to properly

do

your laundry

for 

almost

two

months

little things,

itty bitty things

tiny things

they get to you.

i want to dust 

you heard me

i want a chance

to dust

in my room

to vaccuum

to organize papers

and boxes

and

books

i want to close my eyes

and enjoy,

a good song

to listen to

music

while being 

still

rather than in the midst

of hurrying from point A to point B

while driving on the freeway

to just barely make it

to one responsibility or another

(don't get me wrong, though

i am incredibly thankful

for that blessing

of sitting still

at what could otherwise be

a really hectic time

and a zillion and one times

God has comforted me through

those very times

on the radio too)

...

pens.

ooh

i want pens.

the pretty kind

i dont even need the fancy schmancy zillion pack one anymore

(i had one but i lost it D: 

**fail @ life * ) 

i just want

pens.

and 

a pretty journal

the one i saw in target

EFF this money-saving,

right decisions,

practicality

oh no,

you've gotten me started

i want shirts i can wear

both to school and work

and appropriate dresses

for the every other day

that feels like

a (cheer me up with a) dress day 

and flip flops

dangit

FLIP FLOPS

because i still

for the LIFE of me

can NOT find

where that horrendously cunning, 

ridiculously terrible,

cruel,

heartless

....

puppy

put the other pair

of the flip flop i have now

D:

(do not let its appearances fool you

rough internet example

^she looks nothing like that

other than they are both small

and brown

though probably equal amounts of deceptive evil)

and for my journal

my journal

back to that

journal

the pens

the pretty

pens

...i want time

to write

legibly

without rushing

without scrambling

for time

i want 

to enjoy

the feeling of

my  favorite pen

on paper

that doesnt blur

as my vision tries to adjust

to journaling

in the semi dark

because its only then

with my night light

can i find the chance

to scribble

down my

racing

thoughts

i want to send care packages

plan healthy meals

go outside,

and just

breathe

without feeling like

im recklessly contributing

to the world's very end

by doing so

i want to listen

to what you have to say

without calculating the time

i have left over

and how long

itll take 

to read the chapters

i need to catch up on

and how much

of those hours

im instead

spending

with you

^isn't that terrible?

i want to listen

to truth

not drowned out

by my own

rambling,

complaining,

heavy clouds in the sky,

words

i want to vent and--

...mm,
i want to vent.

...and i think i just did.

thank you for Your patience,

hannah

today, im allowed

If there's so much to be said
Why do I have nothing to say
What makes my blood boil
What makes my heart break
It makes my stomach hurt and
Tears roll down my face

 
I know tomorrow will be another day

Then we will sing we believe in something
Greater than what's called love
Written all around us faces and surroundings
All the people that we know


If there's so much to be said
Why do my hands hold a blank page
What makes my mouth dry
What makes my voice break
It makes me so frustrated
When I try to explain
Employ these words and
Please show me what to say

Will I look back with regret?

Will I be proud of all the things I've done?

..When sorrows separate and fade...

Then we will sing we believe in something
Greater than what's called love
Written all around us faces and surroundings
All the people that we'll know

...to mourn.

counselor, professional, student, 

...human,

hannah

dandelion prayers

prayers that will disappear
into the wind
to land
elsewhere

in hopes
of planting
a little bubble
of sunshine
 a little sprout
of hope

(the obnoxious kind,
that most people
try to
get rid
of...

the kind that steals

energy--from the things

we otherwise think

is worth the better part of our time

our presentable lawn, that is,

of put-togetherness, professionalism,

a lawn we can hope

can seem greener

to those

looking on

from the other

side)

of course even this hope seems fleeting

most times, we're quick

to tear it from carelessly from its stem

(it seems, only children can wholeheartedly appreciate

its little gift, unexpected blossom, 

as beauty

at the age before

they've been adamantly instructed

by everyone else

how beauty should be defined)

other times, we make a point

to rip its roots out

from our earthly foundation

(we know not what we do)

bothered by the way

the yellow specks

clutter 

our pristine

 presentation

of the flawless
green
we aspire
to be

the specks of sunshine

wonder, and grace

are fleeting

before you know it

its dried out

without petals

and youre left

with the cluster

of jaded

brittle

seeds

of

ideas

(that you once had the courage

to admit, 

belonged

to you)

 

and it only takes

one wish

to send them off

 carrying even

the weight

of our

dried out

dreams

in a flight

of feathery

angel's

wings

...hope

take off

into

the air

seemingly disappears

in search

for a new

beginning

 ---

...even if it's only in secret,

please, let me pray for you.

the "d" word

discipline.

fall semester

new chapter

new fears

new dreams

new people

new truths

new hurdles

new passions

new dynamics

new teams

re-newed courage

re-newed hope

re-newed faith

names

ill remember

challenges

ill overcome

expectations

can no longer trap me

to a me 

that belongs

to everyone else

but me

to everyone else

but 

You

i am afraid

and that's okay

i am nervous

but not for long

i am rushing--

but You won't leave me behind

i am crying out

i am held

i am not

by myself

i will fail

and succeed

but mostly

...i will fail

and You'll remind me--

i am accepted

i am loved

i am 

more

than i was before

i am more

than i thought 

i could be

i am alive

though i struggle to believe

i am 

okay

You've made sure of it

re-acquainted

there are plenty of things that we can't do
just as significant things that we won't do
a never ending list of things, we'd (eventually) like to do
and things that we convince ourselves
we just don't have time
to do

i don't think quiet time should be one of them

and yet i'm guilty 

of being an all-too-willing victim

of the ever deceiving

"just couldn't possibly have time to do's"

i need to reprioritize the life i live

and get a better picture

of the person i am

and the person

i hope

to be

if i haven't met her yet

how can i possibly

introduce her

to you?

there are many things i need to be re-acquainted with

besides my self,

my hopes,

my dreams,

rather than just sulking

in my fears and anxieties

i need to get re-acquainted

with courage

that casts out

these consuming

relentless

fears

i need to get re-acquainted

with the One whose always

waiting patiently, graciously, lovingly

for me

i need to get re-acquainted
with the me You believed in me to be
the me You accepted me in spite of

and the me

that is fearfully

and wonderfully

made

the me that is

Yours

i need to take the time
that was never mine
to begin with
and return it
for a chance
to once again be
re-acquainted
with Him