week 3

burnt out

already? 

 i wouldn't be too surprised,

seeing as, one, a review of my oldest blog has shown me that i am apparently in a recurrent and consistent state of either being burnt out or going through a process to work myself up to being there

and two,

life doesn't really work in its assumed chronological order

take this semester for example

so many times, already,

besides the obvious one of finding myself re-visited by ghosts of emo's past via my old blog review endeavor (this is high school emo-ness we're talking about here btw. the most overdramatically intense kind. yknow, the worst kind, cuz a lot of its intensity seems to everyone else like its just for show..and in part..it is..but unless you explore these feelings to their utmost capacity, you cant stretch yourself to reach all the other, more real feelings after it. case and point being high school romances that individuals find themselves taking too seriously, but dont decide they've taken it too seriously till after the fact, years later, when they "know better." but if you've never gone through those feelings of getting a taste of infatuation, heartbreak, and loss--it'll be like jumping onto and trying to pedal one of them fancy thin-wheeled fixed gears fancy schmancy name hipster bikes [i am ashamed to have a boyfriend who is into biking but still not know these terms. im sorry, boyfriend. im sorry, world] without first being acquainted with tricycles or training wheels. )

..wow, i totally digress. 

ahem, anyway. 

there is no such thing as

week 1

of the semester

as the beginning...

because of all the things preluding 

for that week 1 to even successfully begin.

as early as the end of the previous semester,

we've got started the blocks in which we'll be building this one

finals

recovering from finals

family crisis

recovering from said crisis

(parents' car accident,

thank God, they are both okay now)

health insurance hunt

dental insurance research

scholarship renewal

attending to relationship building/friendships

CR emotional roller coaster

job applications

tahoe excursion:

reunion with high school friends (marni + fam)

cousins, 

family,

high school self,

alpina coffee shop

and 

God

exhale.

and then.

here we go

financial stresses 

(ie: no scholarship, no part time job)

book costs

tuition fees

groceries,

or lack thereof

scheduling dinners

a menu

for other people

job investments

(relationally, with coworkers & growth-wise)

heart sickness

(also job-related)

 somewhere in the midst of this

school has already begun

re-ordering the correct books

printing syllabi

finding the right classes

time management to achieve punctuality

some sort of physical activity per week/day

gas bleeping money

reconnections

goodbyes

hellos

and 

things ill remember

after trying so hard to forget

i don't know if you can relate...

but in my over-exaggeration,

i will proclaim

that there is something

spirit-crushingly 

stressful

about not having time, 

space--a turn

an opportunity

to properly

do

your laundry

for 

almost

two

months

little things,

itty bitty things

tiny things

they get to you.

i want to dust 

you heard me

i want a chance

to dust

in my room

to vaccuum

to organize papers

and boxes

and

books

i want to close my eyes

and enjoy,

a good song

to listen to

music

while being 

still

rather than in the midst

of hurrying from point A to point B

while driving on the freeway

to just barely make it

to one responsibility or another

(don't get me wrong, though

i am incredibly thankful

for that blessing

of sitting still

at what could otherwise be

a really hectic time

and a zillion and one times

God has comforted me through

those very times

on the radio too)

...

pens.

ooh

i want pens.

the pretty kind

i dont even need the fancy schmancy zillion pack one anymore

(i had one but i lost it D: 

**fail @ life * ) 

i just want

pens.

and 

a pretty journal

the one i saw in target

EFF this money-saving,

right decisions,

practicality

oh no,

you've gotten me started

i want shirts i can wear

both to school and work

and appropriate dresses

for the every other day

that feels like

a (cheer me up with a) dress day 

and flip flops

dangit

FLIP FLOPS

because i still

for the LIFE of me

can NOT find

where that horrendously cunning, 

ridiculously terrible,

cruel,

heartless

....

puppy

put the other pair

of the flip flop i have now

D:

(do not let its appearances fool you

rough internet example

^she looks nothing like that

other than they are both small

and brown

though probably equal amounts of deceptive evil)

and for my journal

my journal

back to that

journal

the pens

the pretty

pens

...i want time

to write

legibly

without rushing

without scrambling

for time

i want 

to enjoy

the feeling of

my  favorite pen

on paper

that doesnt blur

as my vision tries to adjust

to journaling

in the semi dark

because its only then

with my night light

can i find the chance

to scribble

down my

racing

thoughts

i want to send care packages

plan healthy meals

go outside,

and just

breathe

without feeling like

im recklessly contributing

to the world's very end

by doing so

i want to listen

to what you have to say

without calculating the time

i have left over

and how long

itll take 

to read the chapters

i need to catch up on

and how much

of those hours

im instead

spending

with you

^isn't that terrible?

i want to listen

to truth

not drowned out

by my own

rambling,

complaining,

heavy clouds in the sky,

words

i want to vent and--

...mm,
i want to vent.

...and i think i just did.

thank you for Your patience,

hannah