unconfident

im sure ive posted about this several times before--
and yknow, i think, ill probably continue to every now and then
and maybe if that happens enough,
ill get better at remembering
and accepting it
as phases, random spells,
natural, normal,
expected

..and okay.

and maybe in the process
the number of times i can get pulled out of it
can remind me that its only
a temporary state
and that these days wont
define
all of who i am
but the days it happens
is not any more reject-able
or unacceptable
or something to beat myself up over

the days it happens
itll just be another day
and another part of me
that ill get better
and better
at accepting
without being
identified by it
all together

maybe ill understand
that all parts of me
are valid

not just the put together parts
not just the presentable for society part
and definitely not just the 'good hair days' part

maybe i can even step out of the house with a crappy outfit, no make up, and pinned back bangs
and decide, and know for a fact--
that those things wont keep people from loving or treating me any differently
nor should i be any less confident of a person
or have less to be confident about

maybe i can still be pleasant company

...and maybe, when im not

that's okay too
because i don't have to be
all the 24/7 time

unconfident

i wondered what if

my hair was a little bit longer,

or maybe, a little bit shorter

maybe if i took some time

to change the color of my nails

or even go the extra mile

and paint my toes, too

i wondered what if 

i exercised a little bit more

could accomplish what i meant to

in the should've been possible span of time

i had spaced along my days

what if i was

on time for everything

what if i could

run a mile, 

in 8 mins

or run more than 

a mile, like

all the time

what if i

wore a skirt, 

or a dress

what if i had

cuter shoes

or, yknow,

face

what if

my hair

looked great

all the time

..and so did i

without

any make up

and what if i wasn't

afraid to, or ashamed to

wear make up at all

or not

at all

what if i could do

all of these things

afford some new tops

peculiar accessories

a cute backpack

what if i 

spoke

could speak

louder

and clearer

...would i hear my voice again then?

sometimes, the self i remember

seems so much further 

so much so

that it borders the line

of imaginary

or wishful thinking

sometimes the self

i want to remember

is replaced

by the things

i wish

i wouldn't

envy

and external things

i was unpleasantly surprised

to find that the things,

the immediate things

 the instant gratification things

that i reached out for, 

and turned to

in times of my

waning self-esteem

were all

external

i was raised

(as we all could've been)

to an extent

i have lived my life

to an extent

on an external-based

value system

of my worth depending

on people's

attraction

to me

approval

enjoyment

ultimately--

acceptance

...but not really

cuz if that was the case

then i would have let them

see the parts of me

that were harder

to accept

and i mean--i have

plenty of people

believe me

i have 

< 3 

and yet i do myself this disservice

of living a life of dissatisfaction

of spending my spare time

poured out

into envy

to all the people

i wish

i could

be

...i love my life

i really do

i honestly and sincerely

am blessed

in so many

ridiculously

gracious,

generous,

undeserved

ways

my life is one

of 

beautiful

things

beautiful

people

loved ones

love

i absolutely love

my life

if only i

could stop

getting in the way of it

this i

because it is

my lack of love

in me

and simultaneous 

obsession

with

me, me, me

that gets me to these places

of envy, dissatisfaction, and yearning

Lord, 

Jesus

these are the days

that You have made

Please help me

rejoice

and be glad

be present

be genuinely

in it

my negative feelings are allowed

this You've assured me,

i know You don't think less of me

the way i instinctively do

at the first sign

of imperfection

You love me as I am

and You've made Your perfect plans

including me--

and yet

in Your kindness

Your love

and grace

made room,

even for me

for my imperfections

in them

Thank you, Lord

for considering me

For loving me

For creating me

Lord, 

please help me

to find confidence

in the right things

and not be ashamed

out of taking joy

in the little things

(like painted nails

or a skirt

on a random day < 3 )

i will rejoice 

and be glad in it