"this is the part when we say..."

but things don't always go the way we expect them to

..in fact,
things don't always go the ways
we thought possible for them to

sometimes the world
is a lot bigger
than what we ever
comprehended
could be,
or would ever even begin to be
possible
at all

beyond the things we know now
more existed
beyond the boundaries
of our transparent walls,
our protective, blurry walls

i want to know that..
to be confident in..
to experience personally..

what it means
to believe--to live
the possibility
that beyond
what's safe

...there's also
Hope.

there's still so much world to see
there's still so much possibilities to make real
there's still so much Hope
to believe in.

and, Lord, my God,
there's still so much of You
i've yet to meet,
there's still so much of You

to finally, truly, sincerely
be alive
in.

safe

i think people throw the word around a lot
without realizing what it really means

we think we're so above it,
just because we know the name for it
and have warned others about staying too far inside it

we even gloat a little,
about our adventures,
supposedly scaling the walls of it--no
downright exploring the other side
being shocked, affected,
but surviving
..insightful
wise

but really?

what risk have we taken

i feel like i've been safe
for almost too long

the word is: "Christian bubble"

what a worldly man,
insightful man,
wise, so experienced

to have ventured outside to it

...but honestly?

you've been too afraid.

why else have you
blended in that well
for that long--
that safely?

on the 'outside'?

i don't believe you.

a mere taste of it.
and we forget
who we are.


or worse--we remember
but try to hide it
knowing, that it's something

that won't be accepted.


i laughed.
....i laughed.

just so i could laugh
with them.


as if the words i spoke meant nothing.
as if the actions i condoned--meant nothing.

...as if the words You spoke meant nothing.

condoned--hm.

"tolerate."

ironic that You caught me with the lesson--
just the day before I was put in the specific situation itself.

and still i was unaware
and fell right into
the trap of
wanting to
please.

who?
others?

maybe.

..myself?

more definitely.

i didn't realize--
i underestimated
how easy it was
to falter

and be part of the very world
i so fervently claim to Him
that i also want to help
and be a part of the change
to save

..not realizing
just how much saving
i still need
myself.


im afraid i've been safe for too long.
so comfortably so,
that i choose to be.
even in the times,
when i shouldn't.

i want to take these risks
for You.

i didn't realize just how afraid i was to take them.

i have to re-realize
just how much i need You
to face...
them?
myself?

...anything at all.

i don't know what's to come

You make every part of me
Stand up and fight
To save the whole world
Turn what's dark into light

You make every part of me
Want to do more
To save the whole world
Be the one you adore

The more time that passes by
It all becomes much clearer why You are
Different from everyone

This world confuses me

But ever since the fuse in me has lit
I've wondered what I could do


It's the way You are

i journaled a bout this.
...i probably cried.

God is amazing.

I still have so much trouble understanding that.

"i don't know what's to come"

and i still have
so. much. trouble.
understanding that.

..being okay with that.

that i'm already
the one You adore.
that there is a Light
in a world as dark as this one.

Every dream in my head
Every word that I've read
Everything that I've thought
Thought but I should've said

All the things that I've done
All the races I've run
Comes to together in one
But I don't know yet, I don't know yet
I don't know what's to come

i want to do something, God.
i want to do something.

i want to praise You.
i want to run,
i want to stop running.
i want to fight,
and stop fighting.


what can i do?

because this time..
i really do want to do something
for You.

but at the same time i realize that even as i say this
i'm still too caught up
doing things
just for myself.

"i don't know what's to come"

and that scares me.

..but that's also what gives me the reason
to stand up again
and fight.

"You are different from everyone."

that should be enough reason.
who You are
is enough reason.

thank You for that < 3 .

over my head

i am so...
MAD

at my body =/.

but probably not as
MAD
as it is

at me.

just...gaahhh..
ANGRY.

i've mentioned before..
how lately i've realized i've become..
less self-aware.
i don't know if it's because i've gotten so used to..
talking to other people
about how they're doing
that when someone like jeanine
asks me how i'm doing
and asks me to elaborate...
i sit there
dumbfounded
realizing that
i don't really know.

you see,
she's not one of those people i can just...ramble to
or pretend to be anything but myself to

she's one of those people
who are pointless to try to give
vague, or dismissive, or passive responses to
...because she'll see right through you, anyway
even before you realize if you're putting up a front yourself.

so your best bet is just
being as honest as possible.

or maybe its just her in particular.
or maybe it's me.
or maybe it's who she is
to me.

...i want her to know me.
i don't want to hide from her.
i want to be
known.
i want her to know
who i am
because of some
sincere
inclination
and genuine
trust
that she really does..
wanna know.

i am mad at my body
for being so weak.

it is mad at me,
that it would take something as far as
this physical manifestation
of tangible, visible, pain or unwellness
for me to finally realize
or be made aware
of my own state

of not doing very well myself.

i wanna say,
not doing very well..at all
but that's not true either.

i always feel blessed,
given a good balance of awesome people in my life
amazing opportunity to serve,
not too uber stressful life in general
and even when things cut it a lil close
or gets a bit overwhelming

it always turns out
okay
in the end.


but i guess what i don't give enough space to acknowledge..
is how NOT okay
i really am
during most of these endeavors.

usually,
on stressful waves of midterms and papers
i don't...slow down.
i just keep..going.

and its like yay, one or two papers down
and get up for work anyway the next day
and i pay for it
where a lot of fridays in the previous quarters
i wouldn't necessarily be sick
but i'd randomly be sneezing..
like..a lot
a lot a lot,
unable to stop.

it's like a side effect,
or i guess you could say,
a cry for attention,
from my body.
that's wondering why
now that i have time to rest
i'm not doing so.

or at least, it was expecting some time to rest
but i don't make room for that either.

so then it's like i've led it on
telling it, over and over
just a little further
just a little further
you're almost there.


...
and i get there.
and i don't stop.
i just keep going.

just with a different activity,
maybe not schoolwork
but still not necessarily rest.

and now,
and yes i know i'm probably being overdramatic,
but gah.

now i'm paying for it
with my body setting its foot down once again
more angry than usual
more angry than ever

and i've got the very obvious
physical representation/signal of
"GET SOME REST DANGIT!"
spelled right over the right side of my top lip
visible for me to see, every time i look in the mirror.

reminding me--
i am not well
yet.

and to be patient
until i am.

usually i just convince myself i'm fine
and move on to the next thing
instead its telling me to slow down.


i wonder if God is giving me warnings
against how even spending time with ray,
or few key people i'm really close to
still isn't really
the same kinda rest as what He means
or that my body sometimes craves

i am an introvert, after all, and a hermit.
and me-time, i guess, doesn't necessarily mean
+ other people.

sometimes days to myself are nice,
days with just God is even nicer.

That's something i need to invest in.

is it telling me to slow down in my eagerness
to shower affection and show love
or care even to the people i care deeply for in my life?
and to take the time for myself too?
take time with God?

i wish i was more self aware.
(i thought i was--
i usually am?)

i wish i was more straight forward with myself.


i wish it didn't have to get so bad.

i wish that God would
wrap my fears, my doubts, my anxieties, stresses,
my disappointments
in His loving arms
So tightly
that they will no longer be visible
for me to nitpick at

and instead all I'll see are his caring arms
wrapped around me,
accepting me fully

and He will be hiding nothing
I will be hiding nothing
because even if He were to loosen His grip for a second
and i was to see the me inside

i would see myself
whole

and i would be
unscratched, undamaged, healed,
like new.

i would be okay


and i would be
known.



and i, myself, would know
that i am
loved.

that He is
love.

He is my Love.
and He will never let me go.

...thank You for reminding me,
praying is better,
and much more effective
than wishing, alone. < 3

tuesday

dear servant team,

i will not abide by your most convenient schedule.

love,
God