if its not one thing, it's another

i am braver
than i pretend not to be

but also more scared
than id allow to show

one of my goals this summer,
might just be to blossom
as random and odd as that may sound
but not girly--cuz guys do it to

i would like
to nurture
my roots

feel healthy
soil
moist
and cool
the earth
between
my toes

feet

firmly planted

but taking even steps
forward
at the same
time

stumbling,
if i may
but not penalizing
the steps
ive been blessed
to take

whether they were
missteps, stumbles,
skipping,
hesitant,
or
afraid

i want to stop penalizing
the steps that i will take

envelop
myself
in His music

and send me
home

i want to
catch
the stars
that are not falling
but dancing

visiting
twirling

familiar
and real

i want to fall
into
green
pastures

of the life
i have allowed
to grow

He will catch me
and i know

even if the air
gets knocked
out of my lungs

i am still

breathing

i am

alive

He makes things beautiful

not me
or all of my doings
not even me
in all of my effots
or me
in all of my little wins
and massive fails

could take away
from the things
He has made
beautiful

He makes things beautiful

this life is

tragic

this life is

beautiful

both are true

i want to learn
to coexist
with both
truths

and be
a truth
allowed
to live

expressed
not punished
sung
not suffocated

grounded,
unafraid,
not stifled

i want to have
nothing
to prove

i want to stop
trying to prove it

He makes things beautiful

and i want to
believe that

and know
somehow
that i was
made
by Him
too

i am a sinner

caught up in words

tangled in lies

He will call me child

though i tell him lies

all i've known

is how to run

all i've known

is how to cry

but

this is not

all that

i am

You take me aside

You embrace me

You create me

consistently

constantly

creating 

me

this me

this life

not just summer,

but eternity

not just chapters

but endless

novels

stories

people

places

and things

You create me

amidst brokennes 

hope that is

beautiful.

my mother wore rosy glasses

...and she passed them down to me

growing up

we went to church
and prayed to Jesus
till we passed out

my dad was never a poet
and rarely had a sad face
but in his heart

i was the clown
who made my
brother smile

he's a devil dog
running strong
never tired
...until these days
recently

but more than tired
he's...
scared

i am my brother's brother
my sister did her best
to be his mother

taking turns
to lose that sense
of wonder

moving forward,
returning.
moving forward,
returning

misunderstanding
never
fully
understanding

that we live
under the same sun

growing old
we think we have to
stand
alone

will we love no one but ourselves?


will all our efforts
deserve that hell

well, well
said our sun
to the moon
by our stars

how far can they run
as they all
fall apart?

i dont know
i said
im just
your reflection

id rather be
id rather not be
but its so much
easier to be

i wish i could be

Your reflection

and not theirs

i will hope
i will dream

will You light up this night?

will my reflection
be that light?

can my reflection--
can this reflection

fighting with the tides
so many things
waving me
goodnight

will i hope
will i dream

when You light up my night?


i want to wake
to Your sunlight

stop checking if the time's right
checking when the time's right
checking if time
has yet
set me
right

 these precious holes
that fill this road
can they be filled?

these holey ghosts
and broken
handwritten
notes

im shouting out
my name
in this crowd

...id rather
be the one
shouting
Yours
instead

a name
worth shouting

will You hear,
somehow?

will anyone
turn around?

i just want to shout outloud
my ears are ringing
from shouting
silently
from the inside

i just want to shout
outloud

i see my soul, my God, my soul's in Your eyes

eyes in my soul

yes will You see my soul
will you see my soul

and if they heard
would they turn around
will they hope?
wil lthey dream?

can this fragile hope
light up the night
fight impossible tides
that bury me good with their nights

im fighting
im fighting

i want to be
fighting

so goodnight moon,
morning sun,
evening stars,
little ones

i want to learn
to hope

sleep
to dream

find Love
in everything

'cause my mom, my dad, my brothers too

i love for them

please let my song

be for 

You

i want to sing

for You

summer stand stills

im not sure when it was
that to be a counselor
became "what i go to school for"
rather than
"what i am passionate about."

which really just makes me wonder though
if it really is...or like...what really is

i didn't grow up thinking--this is it
this is what i am passionate over
and i will pursue this with all of my heart

and i didn't even think that in college

in fact, while people were stressing over
who they were gonna be or what jobs
they would apply for after graduation

i spent my senior year deciding
that the future was not in my hands anyway
and i would just do my best investing my time
in the present in which i existed
right then and there

and it wasn't really as difficult as it sounds
if i think about that last year in college


i definitely had my late night stressed out posts
and overwhelmed push and pull between
my introverted and extroverted self
and more than a healthy amount
of bouts of irresponsibility

yet overall my memories
are filled with
.going from arboretum adventure friends to
..becoming a girlfriend
and receiving a boyfriend

understanding that discipling
means being someone's biggest fan
a sense of consistency
a companion

and being part of a team
meant being strong
together
more than
the sum
of our parts

a family
of people
who will try
their best
and see
each other's
bests

in a collective effort
to bring out
the best
in the people
we were allowed
to let
into
our hearts

what a privilege

the tears, the stress, the trials

my last year in college
was...being grateful
that i could study what i liked
that i liked what i studied
that i had a chance
to study
at all

my last year in college
was feeling most accomplished
after doing my roomie's thursday night make up
most trusted when she let me do her eyebrows
and most loved
when we spent the same lazy days together
in our pajamas, on our laptops
eating meals upstairs
and being aware that between the comfortable silence
we shared memories
and will continue to
of ordinary days
that we would call our own
together

my last year in college
was....probably passionate
if that's what we're trying to figure our now

i was passionate
vulnerable
confident
unafraid
foolish
insecure
alive

i belonged.

the year after was wandering
displaced by time
from the place embedded in my heart as home

my last year of college
was friday morning OM's
a gigantic omelette
with bit and pieces
of anything we could find
shared together
between friends
adventurers

my last year of college

was bear hunting
adventurers
and friends

my last year of college

i was content

the year after
i longed for that

a year after
i found
another--different--
but comforting
and genuine
kind of that
again

laughter,
inside jokes,
people who
want
to be part
of each other's
lives

we're all adults now

i suddenly catch myself thinking

young adults
but the word 'adult' is still there

ominous
and unfamiliar

we're all adults now
and now, our parts
in each other's lives
are by choice

like many things
in our lives now
it is an honor
to be part of
that choice

in a way, our situations land us
from all the different places that we came from
to these wednesday and friday nights we meet
but at the same time, this time
more so than others
i felt like
i had to first
choose


emerging from the confusion
mourning, unsettled, lack of confidence
or motivation, and purpose
from last summer

this past school year
has been
eventful
to say the least

nothing could have
prepared me

and yet
here i am

and here i stand--no
sit, more like,
because like my physical self
it is suddenly
taking a little more effort
to stand
instead i sit,
agitated,
but not yet anxious
 not waiting,
but impatient

wanting to
move forward

im sitting
at the crossroads
of the beginning
of my new, and
probably one of my last,
summer vacations

and i ask myself

 what am i passionate about?

where do i go now?
where am i going now?

i just spent some time reading
and reading, and reading
to the point where i think
i chose reading
over the chance
to be seen or see
real people

real people would be great,
and i am excited to see them
again and again and again this summer
i have already made a list
many things to be excited about
events, events, and plans

yet sometimes i look at that list
and sometimes, amidst the errands
and set goal appointments

i wonder how many of them
are there to fill time
to create
a sense of purpose

--yet...it's not..that..
i don't have one

..i truly
do not know

what mine is
right now

what am i passionate about
...what am i passionate about now?

i mean, i know the things i want to do
these days i really do just feel like a compilation of lists
grocery lists, wish lists, to do lists, errands lists, mini goals
but no ultimate building up to goals
just...finishing the next stage after the other goals

i want to have a productive summer

is that a goal?

or really, what i see 

as another necessary step

to attain a goal

yes, it's true

my goal is to graduate grad school

my goal is to have a productive summer

so i can feel prepared, productive--...worthwhile

competitive or competent

in some way

before i start my school year next year

so that maybe then i'll be braver

know more people

have more fun

get better at overcoming the obstacles

i know i am bound to face

but still...

when did going to school

be for the sake of finishing school

and when did i lose sight

of why i am there

to begin with

buried under all of these other wants

i think i might be

distracted

i have gotten too good

at coming up with all the right words

on command, at every other paper

of what i have learned

and how it is important to me

words and words

of what passion may sound like

the desire for change

but what is it all for

really?

why do i want

to be a personprofessional?

is it another means to satisfy

myself?

cuz to think that might be it

feels rather empty, really

to have a goal

to serve myself

i once felt the same about my marketing job

where the sole and underlying purpose

was so that John (our boss)

could make as much money as possible

it made my stomach feel sick

and my expended energy confused

i wanted to be the kind of person

who did it right

regardless

is that what a personprofessional means to me?

someone who does it right?

it'd be nice to be someone

who is doing it right

but then what

i guess im having trouble

finding myself

in what feels like too much of an obsession

to serve only myself

but how and why

it's hard to be other-minded

when i am not around others enough

and i do consistently do a bad job

taking care of myself

so i have recuperate

in binge-like

unhealthy ways

and sometimes i dont quite know

if i feel quite recuperated

at all

 i just need to find some purpose

maybe i just need to pray

not that simple

but at the same time, yeah

maybe i need to finally take the time

and pray

maybe i wont receive any answers

 but it's probably the best kind of company

i could get

and much better

than the only one

ive had 

all day

(myself)

one less day,

hannah

heart friends

different, but the same
parallel, but not

because if we were
so totally
one or
the other

then we probably would not have met
probably would not have connected

since parallel lines
can only run forward
and never cross paths

somehow we've stumbled
right into each other

where two
life lines
meet

affirm,
and connect

in a way
that coincidence
cannot fairly
comprehend
or encompass

to blame
coincidence
would only
be cheating
each other

of the God
who knew

us both

better

and waited, and wanted
for us to also get the chance
to get to know
the same

introducing ourselves
to us

He's a kind God
no doubt

to us humans
who are
too cruel

to who
God made
us to be

loved. 

 (let's pretend for our own good
that it's not just another commercial break =p

 ...but maybe a hint to something bigger < 3 )

 

happy summer, friend =]  < 3  

 

my grown up shopping list

• tupperware, the fancy costco kind

• tupperware, the impractical but adorable kind from asian markets

• brown rice, but no one to eat it with

• quinioa, i can't spell it, nonetheless cook it. what is that. just know its healthy, so i should

• chia seeds--nother grown up lingo, thing. this one i just put in water though, the white kind? should be easier

• mason jars. i love them, though i am not hipster enough for them

• glasses--my four year old ones may not be very practical anymore, though i still like the red

• work pants that are the right length, i had no idea "p" was a secret size for midgets and twas exactly what i needed 

• work flats, so i can get away without wearing heels. i decline that challenge, life. i decline.

• whiteboards, for my to-do lists on my bedroom door and my grocery list for the kitchen

• CSA box, this is more of a someday thing. i read the fine print and cant yet commit

• costco membership? this might be dangerous in my hands. or in my love life's hands. all my dates would from then on consist of churros and free samples

• a cheat sheet for asian veggies, so i can start eating the veggies i try at ray's house at home

• collared shirts, for hipster, office, and otherwise. it just seems like the time for it. or some sort of declaration that i tried

• a STEAMER--omgsh, a STEAMER. i did NOT know you could STEAM your clothes and AVOID IRONING all together. my mind was blown and my horrendous ironing skills can be put to rest

• ipod, just something cheaper like a shuffle. i think mine stopped working, but i havent jogged in so long that i dont know for sure

• yoga. can i put that on a list?

• costco pack of toilet paper. this and chocolate soymilk may be the only two things i actually purchase at costco besides churros. lots and lots of churros.

• a haircut. something that convinces people i tried, and hides the fact that im mostly too lazy to

• a secret folder of wedding-related items. i have found that a lot of girls apparently have one of these. i just want to fit in

• an instrument im willing to learn. hah. but something easy, please. grown up list means i must be running out of time

• spanish class. to make me more hire-able. so far, in emergency situations, i can only repeatedly ask them where the bathroom is and tell them their sandwich is beautiful

• swimming class. it would be an "i-told-you-so" way to go. and i just want want to give other people the pleasure of that

• a ridiculously ongoing tv series i watch--wait, does BSG count? way to welcome me into the adult world, raymond. one frantic cylon accusation at a time

• people i have breakfast with--ok, so i already have this and i dont know how grown up it is. but it really does sound like a grown up thing to do. have brunch or something with friends? someday we will have these brunches while wearing sunhats and petticoat dresses, talking about how rambuncious our cats have been (this is my assuming that the only people who will at that point still have time to hang out with me might be the fellow single ladies who do not yet have children and families taking up their time. i hope not though. im allergic to cats)

• a hobby. to make me look more interesting. instagram just doesn't cut it anymore. it's like a myspace kind of hobby compared to a facebook or linked in kind of oil painting or golfing

• a recipe book. wait. why doesn't the internet count? dang curve setters

• some sort of living potted plant indoors. inspired by a friend's recent house present. i highly doubt i could keep one alive myself, so if anything, at least a really convincing fake plant will do

• a membership at a professional organization. admittedly was just being peer pressured into this by all of my professors--but it's a terrible cycle. membership means more formal events where i pretend to be a grown up which means more officey clothes disguises. 

• some comprehensive mini make up set. ideally, id just have unfoldable sheets like from a mini portable tissue packet that i can unfold and smack into my face like the last lady here

kaaay,
i think that's a pretty good both practical and feminine note to end on.

i'm feeling more grown up already.