if its not one thing, it's another

i am braver
than i pretend not to be

but also more scared
than id allow to show

one of my goals this summer,
might just be to blossom
as random and odd as that may sound
but not girly--cuz guys do it to

i would like
to nurture
my roots

feel healthy
soil
moist
and cool
the earth
between
my toes

feet

firmly planted

but taking even steps
forward
at the same
time

stumbling,
if i may
but not penalizing
the steps
ive been blessed
to take

whether they were
missteps, stumbles,
skipping,
hesitant,
or
afraid

i want to stop penalizing
the steps that i will take

envelop
myself
in His music

and send me
home

i want to
catch
the stars
that are not falling
but dancing

visiting
twirling

familiar
and real

i want to fall
into
green
pastures

of the life
i have allowed
to grow

He will catch me
and i know

even if the air
gets knocked
out of my lungs

i am still

breathing

i am

alive

He makes things beautiful

not me
or all of my doings
not even me
in all of my effots
or me
in all of my little wins
and massive fails

could take away
from the things
He has made
beautiful

He makes things beautiful

this life is

tragic

this life is

beautiful

both are true

i want to learn
to coexist
with both
truths

and be
a truth
allowed
to live

expressed
not punished
sung
not suffocated

grounded,
unafraid,
not stifled

i want to have
nothing
to prove

i want to stop
trying to prove it

He makes things beautiful

and i want to
believe that

and know
somehow
that i was
made
by Him
too

i am a sinner

caught up in words

tangled in lies

He will call me child

though i tell him lies

all i've known

is how to run

all i've known

is how to cry

but

this is not

all that

i am

You take me aside

You embrace me

You create me

consistently

constantly

creating 

me

this me

this life

not just summer,

but eternity

not just chapters

but endless

novels

stories

people

places

and things

You create me

amidst brokennes 

hope that is

beautiful.