summer stand stills

im not sure when it was
that to be a counselor
became "what i go to school for"
rather than
"what i am passionate about."

which really just makes me wonder though
if it really is...or like...what really is

i didn't grow up thinking--this is it
this is what i am passionate over
and i will pursue this with all of my heart

and i didn't even think that in college

in fact, while people were stressing over
who they were gonna be or what jobs
they would apply for after graduation

i spent my senior year deciding
that the future was not in my hands anyway
and i would just do my best investing my time
in the present in which i existed
right then and there

and it wasn't really as difficult as it sounds
if i think about that last year in college


i definitely had my late night stressed out posts
and overwhelmed push and pull between
my introverted and extroverted self
and more than a healthy amount
of bouts of irresponsibility

yet overall my memories
are filled with
.going from arboretum adventure friends to
..becoming a girlfriend
and receiving a boyfriend

understanding that discipling
means being someone's biggest fan
a sense of consistency
a companion

and being part of a team
meant being strong
together
more than
the sum
of our parts

a family
of people
who will try
their best
and see
each other's
bests

in a collective effort
to bring out
the best
in the people
we were allowed
to let
into
our hearts

what a privilege

the tears, the stress, the trials

my last year in college
was...being grateful
that i could study what i liked
that i liked what i studied
that i had a chance
to study
at all

my last year in college
was feeling most accomplished
after doing my roomie's thursday night make up
most trusted when she let me do her eyebrows
and most loved
when we spent the same lazy days together
in our pajamas, on our laptops
eating meals upstairs
and being aware that between the comfortable silence
we shared memories
and will continue to
of ordinary days
that we would call our own
together

my last year in college
was....probably passionate
if that's what we're trying to figure our now

i was passionate
vulnerable
confident
unafraid
foolish
insecure
alive

i belonged.

the year after was wandering
displaced by time
from the place embedded in my heart as home

my last year of college
was friday morning OM's
a gigantic omelette
with bit and pieces
of anything we could find
shared together
between friends
adventurers

my last year of college

was bear hunting
adventurers
and friends

my last year of college

i was content

the year after
i longed for that

a year after
i found
another--different--
but comforting
and genuine
kind of that
again

laughter,
inside jokes,
people who
want
to be part
of each other's
lives

we're all adults now

i suddenly catch myself thinking

young adults
but the word 'adult' is still there

ominous
and unfamiliar

we're all adults now
and now, our parts
in each other's lives
are by choice

like many things
in our lives now
it is an honor
to be part of
that choice

in a way, our situations land us
from all the different places that we came from
to these wednesday and friday nights we meet
but at the same time, this time
more so than others
i felt like
i had to first
choose


emerging from the confusion
mourning, unsettled, lack of confidence
or motivation, and purpose
from last summer

this past school year
has been
eventful
to say the least

nothing could have
prepared me

and yet
here i am

and here i stand--no
sit, more like,
because like my physical self
it is suddenly
taking a little more effort
to stand
instead i sit,
agitated,
but not yet anxious
 not waiting,
but impatient

wanting to
move forward

im sitting
at the crossroads
of the beginning
of my new, and
probably one of my last,
summer vacations

and i ask myself

 what am i passionate about?

where do i go now?
where am i going now?

i just spent some time reading
and reading, and reading
to the point where i think
i chose reading
over the chance
to be seen or see
real people

real people would be great,
and i am excited to see them
again and again and again this summer
i have already made a list
many things to be excited about
events, events, and plans

yet sometimes i look at that list
and sometimes, amidst the errands
and set goal appointments

i wonder how many of them
are there to fill time
to create
a sense of purpose

--yet...it's not..that..
i don't have one

..i truly
do not know

what mine is
right now

what am i passionate about
...what am i passionate about now?

i mean, i know the things i want to do
these days i really do just feel like a compilation of lists
grocery lists, wish lists, to do lists, errands lists, mini goals
but no ultimate building up to goals
just...finishing the next stage after the other goals

i want to have a productive summer

is that a goal?

or really, what i see 

as another necessary step

to attain a goal

yes, it's true

my goal is to graduate grad school

my goal is to have a productive summer

so i can feel prepared, productive--...worthwhile

competitive or competent

in some way

before i start my school year next year

so that maybe then i'll be braver

know more people

have more fun

get better at overcoming the obstacles

i know i am bound to face

but still...

when did going to school

be for the sake of finishing school

and when did i lose sight

of why i am there

to begin with

buried under all of these other wants

i think i might be

distracted

i have gotten too good

at coming up with all the right words

on command, at every other paper

of what i have learned

and how it is important to me

words and words

of what passion may sound like

the desire for change

but what is it all for

really?

why do i want

to be a personprofessional?

is it another means to satisfy

myself?

cuz to think that might be it

feels rather empty, really

to have a goal

to serve myself

i once felt the same about my marketing job

where the sole and underlying purpose

was so that John (our boss)

could make as much money as possible

it made my stomach feel sick

and my expended energy confused

i wanted to be the kind of person

who did it right

regardless

is that what a personprofessional means to me?

someone who does it right?

it'd be nice to be someone

who is doing it right

but then what

i guess im having trouble

finding myself

in what feels like too much of an obsession

to serve only myself

but how and why

it's hard to be other-minded

when i am not around others enough

and i do consistently do a bad job

taking care of myself

so i have recuperate

in binge-like

unhealthy ways

and sometimes i dont quite know

if i feel quite recuperated

at all

 i just need to find some purpose

maybe i just need to pray

not that simple

but at the same time, yeah

maybe i need to finally take the time

and pray

maybe i wont receive any answers

 but it's probably the best kind of company

i could get

and much better

than the only one

ive had 

all day

(myself)

one less day,

hannah