i have to wear a backpack tomorrow

dear life,

im very tired.

i forget what circle
i thought i fit in.

sometimes its fun.

sometimes.

i wish i wasn't so irresponsible.

i miss quiet time.

that one girl,
hannah

"you are not a perfect woman." --and i am not a perfect man.

i guess it would be
the -opposite- of a clean slate
for me to
look back and re-notice/re-read
my "gripped with fear"/purple marker entry
and inwardly
kinda
recoil a lil
to realize
that someone wanted me to feel like that
on purpose

and then im left to reassessing again
the concept of grace
and the parts of my life
where im probably lacking in
or too afraid
or had been
or are
too immature
to give it

and i keep wondering
which of these reasons
are valid?
which are
necessary?

when is it a
lack of trust fear
of God taking care of me
in uncomfortable
situations

or when is it
a 'healthy' fear
of..."actually, lets not jump off this 15 story building,
because that will hurt =D"

when am i
taking care of myself
self righteously, and in fear and lack of trust
in other people
or in God

and when am i
trying to take care of myself
to protect my heart
and respect
the boundaries
God has given me
and the person
He has made me
to be

in reference to the title of the post...

i keep thinking of when eddie told me in india when he was hungry
and i paused then replied instantly and told him
all the ways we could solve that problem
offered something from my purse, thought of all food places we had passed
and calculated how much time there would be till the next possible meal

and he paused also and said
he didn't want me to necessarily come up with a solution
he just wanted to tell me how he was feeling

and i told him--well..you give me a problem,
and ill try to come up with a solution for it

im trying to meet you halfway here,
thats how guys do it right?
give me a problem and ill try to solve it
..like a guy

and he said..no..i didnt want a solution
i just..wanted you to listen to me
i wanted to tell you..how i was feeling

"....like a girl?"

and he paused
then
yes...like a girl.

hahaha i didnt let him live it down =D

but it did make me think tho.


i wonder if how much of this is me,
needing to realize
or struggling with not wanting to be
the 'perfect man'

and taking the chance to
be..a woman? haha
but im obviously not perfect at it either.
man D:

im supposed to let people take care of me

ive been spoiled for a very, very long time

my parents are super affectionate,
my friends are there for me
priya almost babies me haha
and im not asking to be, btw

but like..
im..kind of spoiled. and have been, i think
with people who care about me
and show it
are willing to nurture my needs
meet my needs before i ask them
meet my needs even when im too afraid to ask them

dorothy offered to buy my cough drops today
when she found out i might be sick
and priya does lil things for me to huge things for me
and helps me and offers to, and is an amazing friend
in just being very considerate of me

michelle worries about me, and has gotten mad for me
that means something too

in general...friend interactions
with head pats, and hugs
and nudges, and shoves
and insults from all the way
across the room

i just..feel very acknowledged

yuki and nabi
give and give and give
because those are two friendships i definitely feel more like i receive from
they give me time, and are patient
and listen
and i have to do nothing back
but to be who i am
and like them for who they are--which, i do
without trying

these are precious people to me

my lil brother believes in me
and so does my sister

...
i feel like ive been surrounded
by this much love
for so long

i mean granted, ive had my fair share of disappointments
everyone has, yeah. no one's perfect

but it just..
feels like so much
constancy

God's constancy, yes

just..security

..and im afraid
of if ill be able to
feel that or not
or trust, or rightfully
expect that
in...this
from...this.

i want it to be fun
i want it to be easy
comfortable
sure

..is it ever?


im too scared to
rely on another person
in that way


..but in theory, i shouldn't, right?
not fully, or not first

but how fair is it
if i dont know
if i can feel it
or expect it
at all?

am i just scared?

when am i
healthy fearing a "15 story jump from a building"
a clearly unwise decision

and when am i just
being too scared to let go
of my own self made security
and hold onto God's?

..=/
i really
dont want to jump off a 15 story building

i think i need to stop talking to myself now @@

in other news...

servant team is kind of amazing.

already, these people
are etching a permanent memory
and place for themselves in my heart.

thank you God,
for teaching me to accept help
ask for help
that it's okay
to need help.

for surrounding me with people
who help
SO much
just be being themselves
just be being
exactly
who
you made them to be

thank you, God
that you didn't abandon me
even when i was unreasonable
stubborn
irresponsible


and scared.



it really isn't anything about
pulling something
out of nothing

but realizing

that we HAD nothing
to begin with


we never really had
anything to begin with

all that we have
is all that
we're given

and the moment
we try to
take credit for that
or count those
as something we are
solely responsible
to make happen
out of our own efforts

are the moments where
we put a cap
over the outpour
of God's love

and we're no longer
serving out of
an overflow

but of what we
are scraping and draining
of ourselves

to offer

we are not alone.
the weight of the world
is not on our shoulders
we are known
and deeply loved.
accepted,
and unconditionally
cared for

we'll never
be left alone
or have to be
anymore

today i lost my purple marker =(

so there's the expression
"gripped with fear"

...and i dont think id ever thought much of it
but just now made me wonder if this is what it's like
to be "gripped" with an emotion

like..a suffocating feeling,
like being squeezed by an outside force
that's affecting
mostly your insides

and its even
a lil harder to move
on the outside


i dont know if its fear
or anxiety
or what

i just know
i can feel it
a "grip"

pressing
against my lungs,
and
around my heart

just when i thought there was an exhale
for the pressure to be released

came one
in a different
just as
if not more
encompassing direction

this time starting
from the pit of my stomach
and slowly spreading
throughout

after today...

"I promise I shall never give up,
and that I'll die yelling and laughing."
-Kerouac

i laughed
like
a lot
today

that was nice < 3

im getting used to people
and talking to them
and
taking joy in them
like i remember i used to

im remembering why it was so exciting
to talk to someone
get to know them
make them laugh
sit with them
or to laugh
for way too late,
and way too much
at dumb things with them

i hope i get to do that with you more this year too =]

im excited to keep meeting new people

i want to pray
for my freshmen girls already

i feel incredibly blessed with my 'team' already
cuz it really does feel like a team to be with
gabe, wendi, jill, and matt
and already we're constantly
rooting for each other
and already supporting each other
in hard times

i feel like ive gotten closer
to eunice and jeanine
and learned to rely
on other people more
and trust them
with my insecurities

and im really happy to have learned more about
communities of grace
that im able to recognize
and appreciate now
more so
what a community of grace
i really do
already
have

i cant wait for more dumb jokes < 3

fear vs. being afraid

"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants. For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."
-Hebrews 2:14-18



today was kind of amazing.

in the longest, most kinda unbearable, horrendous, emotional, contemplative, adjective, adjective, adjective....way possible.

God is so present
that I don't even know where to begin..

Today Will taught me, and really hit me with the line, "I appreciate the community that I have here in Davis and the fellowship. But when it comes to school and stuff I always work hard." Kay, not exact words, and it seems pretty average..but the way he put it was better. He basically was saying how yeah, his community is great and he'll invest in it and loves it. But at the same time, he isn't gonna work any less hard on his other responsibilities. Kinda like saying he's going to give his ALL, in everything he does. He's gonna try his hardest. And I really, really respect that.


I miss Sonia already.

But her sisterhood and friendship has meant SO much to me and helped so much. I just enjoy her dern it. She's kind of a breath of fresh air.

Peter and Dana called today asking for stories and details.

It feels nice to have a sister in Dana and a definite older brother still looking out for me in Peter. Still interested in my life, and still pursuing me in friendship to be a part of theirs.

Eunice is STILL amazing.

And eff, Jeanine is too.

I tried turning like a 'two weeks notice' slip into both of them first before I ran the other direction away from life all together. Thankfully they both told me to think and pray about it first before making any rash decisions. And actually, it really calmed me down/made me happy to hear Eunice laugh at what I told her happened....cuz in a twisted way it kinda assures me that whatever we're doing is STILL ridiculous, therefore it is DUMB, which theeeerefooore..makes it still very much like us. So its like--what? That was ridiculous? Ohh okay well at least I know we're still being ourselves @@.


God's kind of amazing.

I need to share more of this later when I'm not ridiculously exhausted and out of it.

But just as I was writing in my journal, the prayer and exact words: "I don't want to/dont know how to do this alone"--an old lady popped up in front of me. And was like--Hii! Is this where the blah blah meeting is? Or something. And I was like..er..I dunno. And she asked what I was reading..and we got into this amazing conversation about God and fear and faith. She shared a really intense testimony with me, and said she'd be praying for me..and even asked me to pray for her.


Jill and Matt are our heroes.

Like seriously?

We were a ridiculous inconvenience to the people around us--but at the same time it makes me feel even more authentically in a community of grace that I trusted no one in that room to judge us and at the same time felt secure enough in God's vision of me, and the me in God's eyes, not to let any potential judging get in the way of what needed to be done. That's a half truth though. There was also the fact that at that point, it was so bad that I didn't even care anymore and just had to fix it.


It's been kind of a really ..adjective adjective...long day.

But it's been a very worthwhile one.

I'm blown away by His truth.


"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. "
-2 Timothy 1: 6-7

"to hit the ground running..."

"...probably means, remembering
not to do any running [away] at all."

we just said bye too.

and already there's something else,
some random thought, or event, or other
that i wanna tell you about.

hm.
im not quite sure where i am.

but at the same time, im gonna go wiiith....
i have no idea =D

and thats okay. < 3

i found a fortune cookie fortune
actually i found two!
in my pants pocket yesterday..

i had left those particular pair of pants..er..shorts
here in davis, while i was in India and AZ

so it was a surprise to find anything in it!

"slow and steady wins the race."

yeah, yeah, i know..its cliche, heard of a zillion times, and not particularly deep.
...but eff.
it was almost exactly what i needed to hear at that point.

after already getting a lil bit overwhelmed with a tidal wave of responsibilities,
priorities, goals, and hopes for the year

it was like God giving me a nice lil reminder to slow down
and not to
get pulled into
that same
"invisible race"
i had talked/mentioned to Nabi before

today we met Hilda < 3

haha seriously was really uncomfy at first
but midway through was able to exhale that out
and be like--eff
i cant say no to cute old-ish ladies
and even more so,
ones that are super sweet
sincere
and..apparently
loves Christ =]

we were stopped to take blood pressures--so random
but i realized midway through that it was a way to minister
and reach out to people that they were doing this

and she asked me if i had any prayer requests
and i was really happy to hear later on,
her being asked
and her telling us her prayer requests too

what she said really stood out to me

she talked about her son
and him not being a believer...so he had like
the weight of the world
on his shoulders

as opposed to us, she said
who could put that weight
and those troubles,
worries,
and stresses,

to God

and let those all be surrendered
at His feet.

and that's when i realized a lil more..
just what i was probably doing wrong
and why i had been
so stressed out before

or what's really happening
when i allow myself to be...

i'm..
shouldering things
myself
instead of

letting them rest
at God's feet

talking to Eunice was amazing =]

she really is..wise
and mature
and just..cares
a lot

she pours into my life
and gives so much
without asking, or expecting
anything back


so many people do

and im really..
really thankful for that.


mm..
my other fortune in my other pocket was..

"soon, someone will make you very proud."

...and today actually
someone really, really did =]

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
-Collosians 3:15-17

"...a blank page."

im scared of
all the
things
i never
understood

im scared of
failing
in all the ways
i always
have

im scared of
being
scared
forever

...and having that be it.

"worth dying for"

I'm am at my very end
Ive tried all that seems right

I'm coming closer to the beginning
Look through the start of our new life

Without out stretched arms
I'm broken
And yet before you come change me

This is a sound of desperation
I fumble how it's coming clean
We cry..
Aloud...
Afraid...
Of some..

All we want is the love that was on the cross
All we need is Your blood to comfort us
All we desire is for You to fill this place
We shout it out
We're free!

Repentance is our desire
Come fill our hearts with your holy fire
This is the sound of desperation
The cry of Your creation
We cry...
Aloud...
Afraid..
Of some..

All we want is the love that was on the cross
All we need is Your blood to comfort us
All we desire is for You to fill this place
We shout it out

We're free

And we shout it out
We're free
We shout it out
We're free

We shout aloud
With the everlasting song
We join with the angels and cry
Holy is the Lord

"All We"
by Worth Dying For

a distraction from what?

Really?

I actually..probably have not been feeling too good for the past few days now..
But maybe it either comes and goes?
Or I really don't know how to deal with it.

Trying to get a driver's license was a nice distraction.
Yaaay to do list tasks~

And it offered up some life lessons to keep in mind too.
I wonder, and almost hope, that they aren't a symbolic representation of the things I'm going to have to keep learning and re-learning this year.
But thinking that almost guarantees that God will put it on my plate to--
or rather
will challenge me

to take it off my own plate
and lay at His feet.


Things like failure
and stuff.
Things like failing
and other stuff.

And trying, and trying, and trying.
And being okay,
and loved,
and ..uh
not succeeding.

But having that not necessarily be the center of the picture.

unconditional love,
and what that means.
and doesn't mean.

it means..
the option of both
victory ice cream,
OR feel better ice cream

your dad confessing
failing his own first driving exam
your sister texting
without disappointment
your mom looking at you
exactly
the same
way

hearing your aunt say
she's proud of you
before you've even
passed the test

and people telling you
that you don't have to
pass today
or tomorrow
or the next day

and being more worried
of you being disappointed
than actually being
disappointed
themselves


I feel like if I'm going to re-prioritize, or remember to prioritize my time..
I should have an idea already of what my priorities are, what it looks like,
a clear, tangible, visible, representation..
That I can't meld and mush together on occasion
for my own convenience.

I wonder..and hope..
that these could be set right

1. God--my relationship with Him, worship, and living and growing through that

2. My Family--well, yeah, they're awesome =]

3. Relationships with people outside of family ie: friends

4. School/Grades--being a good steward of the opportunity I've been blessed with

5. Other commitments outside of school ie: Epic and my job..and hopefully an eventual internship

things i forget:

-health

-mental and physical

-the first three priorities

-the first four priorities

-half of the fifth priority

...then

what am i left with?

unconditional love

means

admitting..

i'm scared of being here.

i want to go home.

i want to be...

...in love

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

...with God. =]

Don't know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

sincere joy

excited, living, and alive.

with passion
for who He is
and what He's made me
what He's done for me
for what purpose
He's created me

for how much
He's loved me =]

and loves me still < 3

and what that
means
and how much more love
there must be
of Him
in us
to give

i'm excited
to keep on
learning

from
Him

how
to love.

"Don't ask what the world needs, ask what makes our hearts come alive."



----

ps:
aww, stella was right
there really were tummy butterflies this time =]

pps:
take THAT, world
-i- was right too
it really -is- Jesus!

above all names

There is no one like our God
There is no one like You, God


Hmm..
I think I for sure need to learn to..be okay with the present. To live in it. I've mentioned already that Priya has called me out on my future-mindedness. Why am I always so eager to get away? What am I..trying to get away from? The truth is, I don't really have anything in mind that I should be necessarily or would be. Maybe I'm just trying to get away from the anxiety. The anxiety of not -knowing- what's gonna happen tomorrow. The anxiety in needing to do what I can now, or feeling like I'm doing something wrong or not quite right enough..the anxiety that whatever I'm doing just may not be good enough. So..if it isn't..I'd rather just be there and know, and fix it (in theory) or do something about it. Or at least be there to tell myself it actually isn't the end of the world I imagined it to be if this or that were to happen, or if I were to do the things I did the way I did them. I guess in short if..I were to be me.

That things wouldn't fall apart.
And it wouldn't be...all my own fault.
And my mess alone to clean up and deal with.
And myself to most likely reject and hate on...
if those shortcomings were to, in any way, end up hurting people.

I think more so than being myself..
I'm afraid of hurting the people I care about
by being that self.

Disappointing,
falling short,
doing dumb things,
and making bad decisions.

I know we're learning to accept ourselves. I know I'm learning to be more okay with myself. I know that this is right, and I know that there's Truth.

..But I still find myself being pushed back to the original thinking, and having a hard time to find any way around it.

To like myself..and/or..accept the 'me' I see fully

..Has somehow or other
almost innately
registered itself..

as a selfish act.

The antonym of me
You are Divinity

To accept a compliment is to..imply believing it
Believing it tugs on some secret, unconscious, implication
that implies that to believe it means to have it taken away
Just to teach you a lesson
never to think that much of yourself again.

im not sure where
or when
or how
that logic came from..but

..because of it
I am not 'pretty.'
I will never be pretty.
I must never be pretty.

Or else,
I never can be again.

..Is that selfish/vanity, or what?

Why should I--would I--do I..
Reject even accepting the beauty of His grace and His creation
..Just for the sake of
fearing that that will take it away.

..so today I'll admit it.

Ironically,
in the most humbled state possible..

that I am.

..**holds back gag reflex.*

...Sometimes D:.

And to say so..
is really humbling.

Humbling because
I know this is something
I did not earn
do not deserve
and in many ways

is not
even true

but..
because of Him

because He lived
because He lives in us now

because it was HIS hands
that created us
since before our mother's wombs,
first breath of air,
growth spurts,
awkward stages,
and sometimes okay ones
(only to be followed with more awkward stages)

its not asking to take pride in it necessarily,
because looks, abilities, skills, and talents
is NOT
where our worth is placed.

but to reject them all together?
deny them as if they were
ours to still need to earn?
or get better at?
(get better in a way that disrespects or undermines our capabilities as a person)

as if what He's given us
is somehow
not enough?

how can we reject such things,
for the sake of
the pride
of keeping them..
as if they were
our own

to be taking pride in to begin with?


Anything in me
that could be worth pursuing
or found 'admirable'
or 'pretty'

...isn't mine

at all
to hold.

God is.

He's my Lord
my King
my Savior

my Creator
my Father
my perfect love story

my worth
is in nothing else.

It's humbling.

Anything worth pursuing in me
is, was, and always will be
whatever of Him
He has had the grace, and love enough
to allow to display of Himself through me..

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.

Through ugly,
selfish,
broken,
imperfect,
sinning,
all-of-the-above
...me.

...so full circle.

I want to be happy with the now =].
I want to live in today.
I want to not be so afraid
to be me.

Because whatever that 'me' is..
God is greater.

You are amazing God

God will always, always, always,
be greater.

His presence
should overpower
everything else

Be first
and last

Be always
and ever.

All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees
as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

You are amazing God