[two.old.men.]

"...with my best friend."

...without words.

i can't be who you want me to be.
i can't be...
who you need me to be.

and i'm sorry.

when you put your heart out there...

it's like screaming with words
a guttural sound, except rather than full blown anger
this one was more meek, with defeat
but carrying such a deeper pain
than the words uttered could express by themselves

and i couldn't help but wonder
how many times he had wanted
to yell those exact same words
that echoed so painfully in his heart
while his outward expression
remained the same
unaffected,
and calm

"look, i'm sorry--
i'm sorry if i didn't do the things i was supposed to do
i'm sorry if you felt the way you felt
but i cant do everything myself
and im tired of it
can you please--just--
help me out here?! "


i'm positive those werent the exact words
but i can still remember, the painted picture before my eyes
and the gripping feeling in my heart
when i couldn't help but recoil in my own seat
as he raised his voice, and at the same time i raised a close fist to wipe my cheek
sobbing, before i could understand why

as i witnessed this person'only s exterior, crumble in front of me
a facade of 'it's okay' collapse before my eyes
and i could see, such genuine, deep hurt and crying
real crying, the kind that could have only slipped out by accident


..but i think what broke my heart even more
is how quickly,
the pieces
were picked up

and shoved
back into place
filling in the gaps
that needed to be filled
closing in the person
that i, for the first time,
was finally allowed to see

the one that had for so long
just wanted to be let out
to see the light of day
to be seen
by the light of day

and get the chance
to soak in the warmth
of the Son

and
finally
be allowed
to be free

i saw him for just a moment
no matter how brief it was
and watched with
an aching heart
as he was sealed
back into place

and i didnt even get to say
hello...or goodbye
before the cracks between the pieces
from which he peered
were sealed up, once again

until the light of day..
that dangerous,
frightening,
warm.
light of day
could shine again.

until then i can only pray for healing
for the days he may have spent
the days, we all too often spend
screaming.
without words.

without a sound.

were we ever meant to be?

or did we just happen?

"i'm afraid that if you go away
...you wont come back."

you make my words
come out more frighteningly honest
than i'd ever be brave enough
to say
for myself.

"..and now I'm left with nothing."

passing hello's

i was rushing to work today
when i thought i saw matt wang from the corner of my eye
but was already running late so kept walking
and i jolted, startled when
i felt myself pulled back
from when someone grabbed my backback
and spun me around
and i looked up
to see
gabe =]


he asked how i was doing, what was i up to,
then lemme run off to work
and i wass off in my now-no-longer--frantic-
rushed-but-a-cheered-up-rush merry way


and as i walked away
i thought to myself

huh.
i think
gabe's really good at that.

yanking me back
out of my one track minded to do list
to the worth-it world of
"how am i doing?--
how is someone else doing--
im gonna make conversation
and smile at you--
just cuz.
i can. "


its like he has a way of
yanking me
out of my own thoughts,
processes,
(haha or dragging me back into them
as i try to frantically run away,
pretending to be too busy)
to do lists,
and words

to step out for a second
and remember i have community
and that thanks to that
and thanks to Jesus
amidst whatever point A, B's, or C's
I'm rushing or late to

that I am known
and I am Loved
by Him

..thanks gabe.

"i love you" is a promise.

...and i dont want to be the one that breaks that.

it means permanence.

"i love chrissy."
i'll always love her the way i do now, if not just more.
"i love ashley."
her joy makes my own heart skip beats
"i love my family."
they give my heart a place to call home thats filled with love and support,
that no amount of words could ever capture how much im thankful for.
"i love jeanine."
she reminds me what love feels like, or is supposed to.

"i love bear hunting."
because i love my friends,
and the adventures they create for me.
and by adventures, i dont just mean the elaborate ones
but the simple ones from one conversation to another
reminding each other its okay to dream
as we try to live life together,
and be reminded
we're not alone.

"i love priya."
she gave me a place to come home to in davis.
a place to feel safe and cared for, completely as i am.
a place to rest and be whoever i want to be
a place to be myself, with all the mess that includes.
and blessing me enough to allow me to see her messes too

"i love michelle."
..not to remind myself that i do.
but because of who she is,
and how much joy that brings me
to have the chance to laugh with and get to know.

"i love nabi."
because i know she loves me too.
but also.
not just because of that,
but because i know she knows parts of who i am
that a lot of no one else will
and even after the goods, bads, and uglies
but somehow still loves me as sincerely
as i do her
..and i do.
a lot. < 3

"i love yuki."
because that is the truth.
regardless of how she or i think that she or i will feel
when we stop becoming imaginary i know that regardless of it all
or whatever "it all" happens to be
i love her, and that's that.

these are the promises that i can keep.

"i love You, God."
and that is a promise that i want to.
that i want to keep growing, until i do,
not just in words, not just in feelings, not even just in action
but through every move that my heart and body makes
and every breath i inhale and exhale of the life You've blessed me with.
i want to keep growing, God.
so that i can always keep that promise to You.
so that my eyes would be set on You, before anything else.

i want to learn to love
the people around me.
even if i've not yet grown enough
to know how to.

i want to always be
in Love
with You.

underwater

got our feet on the ground

talking 'bout flying

maybe we're diving..

...in over our heads?

teach a man to fish...

...and she will wander the sidewalk-less streets of Woodland
following railroad tracks, and almost familiar buildings.

give a man a fish
and she will
-try to catch one for herself
-neglect it, take it for granted
-take all the credit
-pretend she didn't need it in the first place
-try to define herself by it
-pass right by it
-continue to whine for more
-complain
-seek something else
-not trust it
-think it will be just like all the other fish
-not. understand.
-be too scared of losing it to hold onto it in the first place
-be very, very flustered, even afraid..
because she knows she's done nothing to deserve it.

Hungry I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry
So I wait for You
So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all my needs
Jesus You're all
This heart is living for

Broken I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch
Restores my life
So I wait for You
So I wait for You

..knowing that You've been waiting
even longer for me.