when you put your heart out there...

it's like screaming with words
a guttural sound, except rather than full blown anger
this one was more meek, with defeat
but carrying such a deeper pain
than the words uttered could express by themselves

and i couldn't help but wonder
how many times he had wanted
to yell those exact same words
that echoed so painfully in his heart
while his outward expression
remained the same
unaffected,
and calm

"look, i'm sorry--
i'm sorry if i didn't do the things i was supposed to do
i'm sorry if you felt the way you felt
but i cant do everything myself
and im tired of it
can you please--just--
help me out here?! "


i'm positive those werent the exact words
but i can still remember, the painted picture before my eyes
and the gripping feeling in my heart
when i couldn't help but recoil in my own seat
as he raised his voice, and at the same time i raised a close fist to wipe my cheek
sobbing, before i could understand why

as i witnessed this person'only s exterior, crumble in front of me
a facade of 'it's okay' collapse before my eyes
and i could see, such genuine, deep hurt and crying
real crying, the kind that could have only slipped out by accident


..but i think what broke my heart even more
is how quickly,
the pieces
were picked up

and shoved
back into place
filling in the gaps
that needed to be filled
closing in the person
that i, for the first time,
was finally allowed to see

the one that had for so long
just wanted to be let out
to see the light of day
to be seen
by the light of day

and get the chance
to soak in the warmth
of the Son

and
finally
be allowed
to be free

i saw him for just a moment
no matter how brief it was
and watched with
an aching heart
as he was sealed
back into place

and i didnt even get to say
hello...or goodbye
before the cracks between the pieces
from which he peered
were sealed up, once again

until the light of day..
that dangerous,
frightening,
warm.
light of day
could shine again.

until then i can only pray for healing
for the days he may have spent
the days, we all too often spend
screaming.
without words.

without a sound.