dont tell anyone

...but the truth is,

i'm feeling really lonely today.

today,

everybody else

gets to celebrate my sister's bday with her

together

without me.

i know it isn't about me

but i feel left out

of a lot of birthdays.

i miss

everyone.

sincerely,

hannah

but i do care

the bigger question is, should i?

as much as i do i mean--while the guy in this song doesn't.

my last post was deceptively cheery, when in truth im actually

quite the mess of insecurities right now.

stressed out once again, and ive been tired for days

daaaaaays

i havent quite learned to sleep comfortably in my own new bed right now

and i still wake up feeling familiar, but not quite at home

like ive gone away, but know theres nothing to come back to

so i have to keep moving forward

cuz of course, it's really the only way left

and then this song came up--which confuzzled me

not trying to be cute, just trying to be efficient

(well im not anymore now that im taking the time to explain it)

i was both confused and puzzled (pleasantly so) at the same time

but in some odd way

it cheered me up to hear it:

i think there's a lot of pressure

from others

and also, if not mostly, myself

to be something

i think im supposed to be

and missing who i thought

i might have once been

"I’m just an ordinary guy
just getting by
riding the tide trying to hide
I’m just an ordinary face
finding my place
you won’t remember my name
after I go away"

..but is that really my problem?

is that a problem at all?

...that i really, really wish you would

(remember my name)

just cuz i know almost for sure

that some part of my oversentimental heart

will do its best

to always remember yours?

(ironically i was having a really hard time remembering

the name of two of my fave clients who got kicked out of

the rehab center i work at...i took me so long to remember

till i finally looked one up.

but even if i had forgotten his name

i knew there was no way

id forget him.

and that my stories

wouldnt still have him in it.

and the way i tell the story

of the rest of the things

that happen in my life

will for sure

by colored by the things

i remembered of him too)

"Everyone tells me I’m a rare condition

and maybe that God has a different plan for me

I don’t presume to know

the reason’s a mystery

people always telling me that I am something special

well it’s too much pressure to take"

i think im the one that's making it that way

im the one whose making it too much pressure

because im putting all teh pressure on myself

as if its my own merits that will make me be remembered

and that these are merits i earn myself

rather than embracing

that theyre all gifts

given to me my God to begin with

and that the only thing i have ownership of

or more like--need to take ownership of

is my faith IN God

that there will always be something to remember

dear life,

i started grad school.

(as if you didn't already know.)

good news is,

i haven't run into any of the same

blood thirsty squirrels

i previously bumped into before

during my trip to the campus prior to classes starting

(not yet anyway.

they've seen my face though.

so i worry).

pleasantly surprising bad news is,

bears followed me

and a new chapter of bear hunting

may very well begin

(the cynic in me cringes,

knowing how these second spin-off seasons

usually go though...

especially compared to the original).

id post pictured to explain what i mean by both of these news but neither of my cameras are working, and i have a thing with exploding my phone whenever i try to get the memory out by myself to upload pictures online.

until then though,

i will try to keep adventures logged

and misadventures as a sidenote

just so the adventures continue to look even better

in comparison

still some trouble sleeping on my own bed,

hannah