butternut squash

wednesday.

what makes a bad week?

is it...
a bad haircut?
or a rude hairstylist?
coming to border extra hours at work
just to find that that huge project that's 3 weeks past due--
you'd be working on on your own?
or finding that even after all that hard work
your boss still doesn't look happy with it

what about
going out of your way
to text your coworker to ask
when the meeting is,
since he moved it last min the week before
getting a reply,
thinking everything's fine
then getting a text from him after office hours
later that day--the evening before
what he told you was a postponed meeting
to ask YOU to email the boss
to ask to postpone the meeting to begin with?

like...basically asking you
to take the blame for the boss not getting word
until the EVENING before the MORNING MEETING
the boss thinks you're having
when you thought he MUST have already talked to the boss
if he told me hours and hours before that day
that the meeting would be postponed by a day

maybe it sucks too
little things, i mean
might suck too

like feeling like you're working hard for not good work
like feeling like you're doing all the work for your own "birthday surprise"
so you can please everyone else and make it easier on everyone else
while making it harder on yourself.

like people changing plans last minute
like going online shopping but refusing to let yourself buy anything
like feeling guilty for money you spend even when its just groceries
like feeling guilty too guilty to meet up with your discipler,
cuz you cant shake the feeling
that she's disappointed


..in who you are.


like
getting the lime green flats
you've been waiting for
in the mail
only to find that the flats you ordered half a size smaller
just to be safe--seem to be
half a size bigger
than what fits your feet?

what about finding out the tomato soup lunch
you've been looking forward to all day
is actually expired

or worse,
does it maybe suck
to be adventurous
and get butternut squash soup
INSTEAD
when you're right there face to face
with the tomato and red bell pepper one
you meant to compensate for

then coming to work the next day,
looking forward to lunch once again
to find that that adventurous supposed to be creamy and delicious
ITRUSTINTRADERJOES-butternut-squash-soup
...is actually just gingery, watery--gingery...WATERY...ginger...yellow..
soup?

and finding out
trader joes
good ol'
trader joe

let you down too?

...but what makes a good week?

is it
having a roommate
who supports you,
to support,
to catch up with
watch dramas with
be emo
and be crazy with?

is it having an old friend come back
from grad school
and sharing a good meal
with good conversation
and being let back into their life
as if you never really left?

is it being able to afford
that dinner--
any dinner
a lunch, a breakfast,
and snacks
to begin with

while the rest of the
probably-way-better-people-than-you
world goes hungry?

...is it
sunny days?
blue skies?
people who love you
and want to spend time with you?
people who trust you,
and want to learn from you?

a boyfriend who is patient with you
when you're going on in the same rant
you must have gone on
a bazillion times before
and whose most offensive lines he can come up with
to object to your obviously unreasonable temper and behavior
are the words
"you...youuuu..aanngryy person you. "

...Lord, maybe it's all just silly.

Maybe at some point we just have too much time to think
and complain, and rant, and be frustrated..
and maybe even writing this post
isn't gonna make me any less bratty
or dissatisfied, or even annoyed,
bratty, and bitter

but maybe,
hopefully,
desperately

this post will remind me
that all.those.things.

those terrible,
incurable,
nerve wracking,
exasperating,
heartbreaking,
immature
things

....are not all that i am.

because somehow
Your presence in my life

must obviously,
undeniably,
and genuinely

be just as --if not more
...present

...and more than definitely
more important.

"and all the flowers that you gave me..."

"...are just about to die."

"despair is when the devil tricks a living person into thinking their overflowing cup of hope is empty."

online shopping. classes. ministry. work. video games. facebook. tumblr. youtube. shoes. silence. boredom. guilt. lashing out. quiet. patience. blame. blame. blame. more silence. bitterness. hope--more bitterness. neglect. movies. keeping the peace. self righteousness. gossip. anger. envy. what if's. i should'ves. if only's. never's--lots of them. cynicism. wisdom. wisdom disguised as cynicism.....cynicism disguised as wisdom. exercise. strive. stress. achieve. sleep. worry. plan. plan. plan. fail. succeed. fail. fail. "fail." give up. laugh. cry. lie. lie. lie. believe--betray, be betrayed--...lie.

it seems
unarguably
true

that everyone
seems
to be
running.

...we're quite clever at the ways we do so.

but we're cowards, nonetheless.

after the rain

...disclaimer

i know that it is by far
nowhere near close to the end of this storm

but to go outside, and be greeted
by sunshine,
and streets sparkling
with the reflection of an unset sun
shining on wet pavement and still puddles

felt really warm
for the first time
in a while

the crisp cold air
tingling against my numbing cheeks

running faster and faster,
to nowhere in particular
without a schedule
or someone to please

spinning in circles,
jumping, strolling,
sprinting,
twirling
wandering

...smiling
for my own sake
instead of yours

smiling
not for propriety
or to respond
so that someone
notes, is appeased, or sees
that i am

but just...
smiling

because it feels good.

i had a refreshing run today. =]
it's kinda odd right now...it's the end of the day. and pri pri isn't home, and ray and i are sabbath-ing. and not to say that my world revolves solely around those two particular friendships...but i guess, sometimes, it's just easier to let it.

i wonder who else i could tell, who it would matter to...that...my pasta turned out surprisingly yummier than i thought it would today? and that...i got cooking the broccoli right this time around too. and that i'm excited that i've already prepacked my lunch for tomorrow. or that...im relieved that my boss at least likes my half of the projects being done that we're turning in.

...was i feeling lonely?
was that it, then?

i mean, i talked to priya and ray like every day.
and i'd meet up to hang out with jill and wendi at least once a week. i see stella once a week and tori once a week now too. and a few other friends in between sometimes like gabe, or andy or steven or matt in passing.

and as far as friends from far away goes, i know nabi and i keep in contact through blogs. i get to text yuki every now and then--and even got to talk to her on the phone a couple weeks ago too. i do miss michelle though. hm. my sister and i call occasionally. my mom calls every day. ive just a couple weeks ago caught up with chrissy...before that with ashley (EEP. i need to call her again D: ) and i mean--eff, i JUST got off the phone with jeanine this afternoon from a really heartfelt blessing of a conversation.

hm.

ray calls every day too. almost--well. we talk/contact each other almost daily. and see each other once a week. and i mean, hey my mom calls every day too, i said that.

...but i guess it's different.

it's different from...
living life with that person..isn't it?

ive just noticed this actually.

i mean it's spring break now, but even for the weeks before that pri pri was getting pretty busy with aphio stuff then finals came along and i knew she needed her space to focus and study then too. so while we do in theory live life together as roommates under the same roof..i guess we havent had that chance to 'live life together' as before.

i've kind of lost that aspect of community in epic too.
i don't go to the events or hang outs, and i've missed the majority of the large group meetings. i dont even go to a small group. i go to catalyst, or i try to, but i havent been going weekly recently. and even when i do, im not there to invest emotionally in the people. im just there cuz i want to learn. hm..even my own discipler isn't even constant, to be honest. she and i are supposed to meet once a week, but so far we've been meeting every other week or so, if even that.

and when it gets down to it, we're not really even within the same community. we're not even involved in anything mutual or on a same page with a lot of things. she just..knows me from what i tell her. and a lot of what i tell her are just the messes of me.

i think.
im lonely.

i don't have anyone that i live my life with in that way
where i share a community with them-- actually..
i'm not even IN a community.
i know OF one? i'm even...OF one. sorta.
i see people in that community, but i dont invest in them as my own anymore
or the thing is, i've made no efforts to intentionally do so
and i've even every now and then choose to remind myself not to

im not in a bible study.
im not necessarily even in the fellowship--cuz...i don't go to the hang outs after large group. i dont even go to large group. i dont know half of the people there. they aren't close to my heart--i haven't let them be. they are as a group, but not individually.

i think..
it's been lonely
not having anyone to live life with
in that sense at least,
for a while now

maybe its just cuz me, jill, and wendi's hangouts
have been way too much about business recently--
well.. actually, that's a lil hard too.
cuz since ray doesn't live here anymore,
he's not really as invested as part of that community either.
...hm. how do i explain this..
like--matt ing and matt wang have the common ground
of both leading different bible studies in epic,
they see each other, or have the opportunity to
their hearts are mutually invested in this community
and that's a common ground for them
but ray's heart in ministry is invested at post college from church at home
--well, its getting to be more and more so

i dunno..it just feels like there's a whole nother
mini community im trying to invest in
with wendi, jill, and the two matt's...
(+ gabe and a couple other youngin's)
and ray isn't really as much a part of it as the other two matt's are
so im investing in that community alone
(^sounds contradictory/oxymoron right there)

it's not anything intentionally bad or disappointing or something
kinda just how the way things are right now
like with how pripri invests in aphio
and michelle in grad school
we all just have
different lives

...and i guess im realizing
that it's impacting me a lil bit
to feel like--or to find myself more aware
of just how much i feel like
im living this life
on my own

not to say that the daily phonecalls with ray aren't also an amazing blessing
but at the end of the day (which is when these calls usually happen)
my whole day has come and gone, and ive lived it on my own
and only that small part kind of has him in it
...while i am simultaneously somewhere else
possibly doing something else
and following that same
independent schedule

its even different from when pri and i catch up with each other
whether briefly or for a while, sometimes even while looking off of our own laptops
but we'll do other things too...like share videos. or ill sit on her bed and watch one
or i send her a link to something and we both comment
or we sit on her bed and watch dramas
or even just having a snack, or a meal together


...there's something about
living life with someone

that just feels nice
to be able to do.

i think i'm gonna miss that constancy and stability
and that security i have through rooming with
and being hubby and wife with pripri

and i worry about what that'll look like next year, at my uncles. how much of my life they'll expect me to devote to them. and how much of their life they expect me to be a part of. and what i have to do to fill these expectations in a way that improves relations rather than strains them.

...and to be honest
sometimes it's crossed my mind to worry too--when ray talks about when i move to elk grove and we live that much closer to each other, yknow? i'm worried--well. mostly cuz i can. and it's what i do--i shouldn't. but most times i do.

but yes anyway--i worry thaat..hm. i worry what it will look like to try to integrate him into my life in that way, where i am not within the convenience of my portable phone and following my own schedule and doing my own thing around catching up with him. im worried about things as small as what itd be like to actually SEE him every day. wont we--would we get bored?

how will i fight that childish sense of entitlement to some of his time, when he isnt used to making room or time to give it in that physical presence now that its an option sorta way?

and as far as community goes...
would i end up investing in his? would i find my own?
would i be able to invest in his even with that feeling of--..it's "his" looming over my head?
i even remember a time when it was weird at first to hold my hand
in front of a person he knew from his church
cuz this person didn't know him as that ray,
or recognize him as a boyfriend or me as his girlfriend

^...this would have been the anticlimactic ending part
where i fell asleep and the post stops abruptly,
but instead i'll roll with it and throw in
a just vague enough but summarizing conclusion.

when it gets down to it...

i think i really just...
miss sharing life with people
and having a place
to genuinely
feel like
home

and people to call home with it.

running late [pt 2]

it's hard to look forward
to those days like the other day
when i wasted hours of my afternoon
doing things that i knew did nothing for me
just to diminish my already depleting time
on things, worldly things, lazy things,
means of escape
instead of taking the responsible steps forward
as a means of purposely
trying to grow

it was later than i meant for it to be
when i finally got up to get ready for my run
i hadn't read,
journaled,
or processed
anything
or done any of the things
i had meant to do
before i went for a long awaited run

i felt like i ruined my day
ruined my run that i was looking forward to all day
to celebrate the first sunny day of an otherwise dark, gloomy, soggy week.

because of my own shortcomings
it would no longer be the sunny refreshing run
that i meant it to be

i ruined it,
i felt like i ruined the very thing
i was meaning to do
to make me feel better
it would be too dark to even run soon
with all the time i had wasted being unproductive

...and i stepped outside
and was welcomed, in awe
of a glowing picture of a pre-sunset sky

where the rays came down
through cloudy silhouettes
and the light contrasted
beautifully
with the dimming sky
in a way that i never, by myself,
would have known to how to coordinate
just the right time
to be able to see,
and run alongside
such a picturesque scenery

in short, i guess...
my plans will fail
my efforts will fail
my time will be wasted
in my own hands
and my words will be
full of defensive,
at times self-deprecating
lies

...but it isn't up to me to paint that pretty picture
because the sky itself and all of its beauty
is something unfathomable for me to ever
have the ability to reach, and try to shape
to my own agenda, my own desires, my own will

and even if i tried
id never be able to come up
with a picture
as pretty
as the one i see now

no amount of harm
i could possibly see myself to be able to do
or beat myself up for doing

can even come anywhere remotely close
to doing any irreparable damage
to the flawlessness of Your perfect plans
that Your perfect love
has set in motion for us

let me not be that arrogant, Lord.

my timing isn't everything

what i really need to do
is learn to trust
in Yours.

running late [pt 1]

...but who was i trying to keep up with in the first place anyway?

that is,
other than myself.
which is probably
the truest
hardest
most honest
answer

i can come up with

which is a little disappointing
cuz it exposes me
for just how much
self-centeredness
i really am
(^not a grammar mistake)

"how long have you noticed me lashing out like this..?"

"probably a couple weeks."

"...hm."

"dont beat yourself up over it, mam."
at the time, i didn't realize
he had said it gently

"i'll do what i want--"...i stopped
and realized what i had just muttered instantly in response
contrarily, like a four year old crossing their arms in an chubby cheeked pout
...quietly,
like a grown up who knows
she just said something more honestly immature
than she meant to

silence.
two seconds, three.
four, if im lucky
then my thinking that it lasted forever
would be one second less exaggerated

"...what?"
i knew he didn't say anything, but i inquired anyway.
"if you don't respond i wont know what you're thinking,
and i wont know if you heard me or if i--"
i was letting myself sound more frustrated than i probably really was
to compensate for feeling (and sounding) scared instead

"no, i heard you..its just...was a terrible response."
i knew that. of course i did.
i was ready to respond with indignant silence,
when he interrupted my crossing arms
with a verbal embrace

"im hurt that you're hurting yourself."

..came some of the most
redemptive
and vulnerably
loving
words

id ever heard.

or allowed myself to hear,
at the very least.

i was caught off guard
you always
catch me off guard

...You always
catch me off guard

i was called out on being distant
i was called out on being sarcastic

but before i could say sorry--
i was interrupted.
"i forgive you."

i was called out
...just for someone
to look me in the eye
and say
i miss you

...and tell me it's okay to miss them too.

wall 3

...if i could.

organized mess

i've been hiding

behind color coded highlighters
metallic markers, dividers
to do lists, and deadlines

i've been
folding worn clothes

i've been
avoiding manga

only to replace the wasted time
updating myself on the life
of people
who aren't
my friends

(no offense, philip wang
im sure you'd be a lovely down time buddy.
tell ted congrats for me.
and nothing personal, nigahiga.
we'll always have paris.)

and i get this text
and another text
and another
and another
from d

none other.

i never called him d, btw
but my phone seems to compel me to do so

"haha. if only life were still that easy."

we were talking about
turkey grams,
loving sheep,
and unrequited prepubescent love
(prepubescent as in before he got his beard
and around the time i first
started aspiring
for mine)

we talked about
washing our flour stained hands
in the pouring rain
and bidding goodbye
to a short lived friendship
with an orange rubber face
and yellow yarn hair

"...if only life were still that easy."

...and i realize
that these adventures
i look to now
laugh with
as if they laughed with
me directly
and their jokes
were meant
for me
to hear

i realize these misadventures
of ridiculous things
over the top
all or nothings
outside voices
and unstifled
stomach aching
sore in the cheeks
laughter

that i watch others have
from my living room couch
or within bedroom walls


...i used to have
before

..i miss telling stories, dear

i miss feeling like
'dear'
was for old people

i miss feeling too shy
and hesitating
before trying to convincingly utter the words
"dear"

i miss
a lot of things.

wall 3:
time

i dont trust God with my time
i don't trust God,
to take care of things
or let me fully
fully have fun
and 'waste time'
the right
way

i miss weekends
not feeling so limited
like a weekly endeavor
i look forward to
only to get there
and begin the count down
of when its
going to end

i miss my weekends
not being limited
to weekends

i miss adventures
misadventures

and wearing rainboots
and long socks

and cutting my hair

without being scared
that itll make me look
less feminine
...but rather
celebrating that
instead

...hm

celebrating

i miss celebrating

i miss dresses

i miss not
trying to read
someones mind

or waiting for them
to read
mine

i miss laughing

and talking for hours
about absolutely nothing
at all

and making memories of it < 3

wont you take me seriously...?
im tired of trying to be

cuz i know
i seriously
always
am

let's play.

maybe God said
it'd be okay for us to
...even if just
for a day.

i want to trust that God
and His eternity
is bigger
and better
than these measly minutes
i try to salvage in my hands
like sand
slipping through
my clumsy
3 yr old
fingers

i dont want to take myself seriously anymore
i want...others to remember to
without me needing to remind them

and i want them to be serious
and stop being so serious already
in response

and i want to
take God
more seriously
than i take myself

i know He'll make more sense than i will.

these four walls

"i once had a dream..."

that my world was bigger

...than these four walls."

this video makes me wonder
what my four walls are
what are the main four things
that keep me
locked in
"safe"
..yet
unable
to move

..stagnant, even?

...comfortable.

complacent.

scared.

it's this song again.

when the piano starts
its like its coming out of a darker place, a stillness
like opening your eyes for the first time
after a long, numbing sleep
where you don't feel rested at all

you're in the middle of the week
a constant middle, you never seem to leave
where the end seems too far forward to set your hopes on
and your last break is too far back to feel rested from

its like waking up--but not as action packed
like drifting into sleep
but drifting into wake, instead

and everything blurs in and out
your eyes come back into focus
and you wake up, out of the shallow warmth of covers and sheets
to a cold, that chills the surface of your exposed skin
but is nowhere near as penetrating
as the dark that never left
draining any hope of warmth
from the inside
the very pits of your stomach
and the bottom of your heart

could you find yourself a way home?

it's like the beginning of a run
the first step is the heaviest
the second is the lightest,
heavier again, then lighter
and you're propelled
forwards

and what you knew
is a little
further away
and who are
is a little closer
to where you want to be
and a little further
from what you're running from
to begin with
...yourself.

could you find yourself a way home?

im thinking of the four walls video again
and more than anything i feel like
thats all i want to do
to go on a leisure walk
without rushing
to get from one place to another
without the time constraints
of a next appointment
or the responsible urge to worry
about a pending one
that you know
is sure to come


i want to go on walks

i want to
sit on the grass
and watch leaves
fall around me

to sit on a bicycle
wander around a pretty block
wear a dress, a skirt even
and take my steps
in pretty, comfortable, worn out, shoes
that i didnt have to second-guess
what others would think of it for me to wear...

i want to see new sights
see the sky, the outside of buildings
i want to see faces
of people that i dont
have to worry about
or worry about
worrying about
me


i want to feel the breeze on my face
without getting cold
and in a welcome silence
look at a water's surface
reflecting the sunset
of a day
that feels okay
to end
but at the same time
i dont have to
say goodbye to
yet

and i want to sit
with people
i dont know
and listen to the music
of their voice
and their stories
without needing
to prove myself
as worthy
to hear them

i want to sit
in a little ice cream place
and order a little treat
that i dont mind knowing
only costed more cuz it was cute

--scratch that
i dont even want to
worry about
the cost
at all

and if im spending my money wisely
if its okay
if i should be getting to rest
because rest is supposed to look a certain way
if i should be eating healthier
cuz health
is supposed to look a certain way too

i want to sit in a cute little place
without worrying
that you think its too impractical
or are not really
enjoying yourself
thereby making this choice
a selfish decision
on my part

..in fact
im tired
of feeling selfish
all together
all the time
every time
i wish for something
that didn't feel mine
to wish for
to begin with

and should have been
something
i worked for
all along

...its always like that, isnt it?
or at least..that's what theyre trying
to convince me of

you have to earn it
you have to wait for it
to be disciplined, responsible
mature, selfless...spiritual
healthy, insightful, assertive
adult-like...confident...
you have to work hard for it

...when the truth is
...all this 'truth'
is just making me tired
of working
at all.

could you find yourself a way home?

..no, not really.

what are my four walls?

call me out.
call me out.
i need someone--

no. i need to
call...me out.

part of your world

"...just missing family, in short
its really hard to be away
i feel like im living the life God chose for me to,
so obviously the best choice...right?
but the life my heart yearns for
[is to be with my family, to be near them,
to live life with them, be an active part of their lives,
share every day laughter, as well as every day frustrations
carry burdens together and hold each other's hands through
and at the end of the day, fall asleep next to
with the irreplaceable, invaluable memory
of another day together
treasured in my heart...]
[that] is the sacrifice im making right now
is to not be able to be with them
or even close"

instead i celebrate the intimacy
but am only able to like..dip my toes in it
my feet sometimes
but then have to run away, or pull back really quickly
and revert back to the outside air
that the rest of me has gotten used to

its like a pool...
like when the water is warm enough
that its warmer to be in it
than outside of it
but knowing i cant stay in that pool
and its not my place to be in it
its almost easier to stand where i am
even if its less warm or full on cold
than to dip my feet into the water's inviting warmth
metaphorical to the warmth and love i receive from my family
and the comfort of being at home
the absence of this warmth, or colder temperature
that my body is getting used to
feels a lil easier to bear on the rest of my body
only to pull my feet out of the warm water
and have it be surrounded again with the shock
of stinging, sharp needles of cold
of being away from where i know
most of me wants to belong


...i have no idea how the little mermaid did it. D:

for now i will keep standing in this place God has placed me in
knowing that the sky above me
is just as capable of shining down
light. warmth. and the breath of air
that i cant get from under the water
no matter how closely
i look up
to the surface

thanks for grieving with me, gabe.
thank you for friends that will, God
and thank you for people
who are standing with me
and the warmth
of your embrace
knowing that You can take care
and love on my family
better than i can
and that Your plans
are more perfect
and loving
than mine

even if i dont know how to believe it now
and even if my heart wrenches
and struggles to comprehend
what faith means or feels like
at this very point in time

i would like very much
to be able to believe
that it isn't even
just about
the strength
that i can muster
for the sake
of my own faith
but knowing
that God is bigger
than all of me
and than what
i can or cannot
or may continue to be
unable to comprehend

life-driven

headaches.

like...just mild ones

...i guess.
that go on long enough
to be part of
the day

deadlines.
TRYING YOUR HARDEST
to LIKE someone
pride
against pride
thin lines dividing
pride from confidence
self-centeredness from efficiency
paychecks.
never enough.
MONEY driven goals
multiplying numbers per hours
as if the result of those numbers
could ever really be compared
to the priceless-ness
of a leisure walk
on a sunny day

irritability
red lights
and distractions
freeways
and directions

the refreshing warmth
of a genuine smile
when you don't feel as if
you've seen one
all. day.
and the lasting impression
that stranger makes
as your only friend
of an entire day
you've spent fighting
to remember
who you are
in the midst of the layers
of all the things
they're telling you to be
and that worldly etiquette and social patterns
convince you is the only way
to be seen
known
or worth
knowing

i have no aspirations
of huge houses
or gold and diamond studded spoons
to stir my $25,000 hot chocolate

i just want a community
i can laugh with, play with, create with
friends i can make memories with
and a love i can
tell stories with

i want to be driven
by dreams
and the desire
to inspire them

i want to be heart-oriented
people-seeing
and hold hands
more often
than shake them

maybe my kind
wasn't meant to be
in a world like this one

but the kind im referring to
is the kind
with a desire
to hear
their own
heart
beat
and isn't that--
...shouldn't that
be everybody?

i dont think im close-minded
for wanting to live
the only way
my heart
can feel
alive

..or for wanting
others
to come alive
with me.