these four walls

"i once had a dream..."

that my world was bigger

...than these four walls."

this video makes me wonder
what my four walls are
what are the main four things
that keep me
locked in
"safe"
..yet
unable
to move

..stagnant, even?

...comfortable.

complacent.

scared.

it's this song again.

when the piano starts
its like its coming out of a darker place, a stillness
like opening your eyes for the first time
after a long, numbing sleep
where you don't feel rested at all

you're in the middle of the week
a constant middle, you never seem to leave
where the end seems too far forward to set your hopes on
and your last break is too far back to feel rested from

its like waking up--but not as action packed
like drifting into sleep
but drifting into wake, instead

and everything blurs in and out
your eyes come back into focus
and you wake up, out of the shallow warmth of covers and sheets
to a cold, that chills the surface of your exposed skin
but is nowhere near as penetrating
as the dark that never left
draining any hope of warmth
from the inside
the very pits of your stomach
and the bottom of your heart

could you find yourself a way home?

it's like the beginning of a run
the first step is the heaviest
the second is the lightest,
heavier again, then lighter
and you're propelled
forwards

and what you knew
is a little
further away
and who are
is a little closer
to where you want to be
and a little further
from what you're running from
to begin with
...yourself.

could you find yourself a way home?

im thinking of the four walls video again
and more than anything i feel like
thats all i want to do
to go on a leisure walk
without rushing
to get from one place to another
without the time constraints
of a next appointment
or the responsible urge to worry
about a pending one
that you know
is sure to come


i want to go on walks

i want to
sit on the grass
and watch leaves
fall around me

to sit on a bicycle
wander around a pretty block
wear a dress, a skirt even
and take my steps
in pretty, comfortable, worn out, shoes
that i didnt have to second-guess
what others would think of it for me to wear...

i want to see new sights
see the sky, the outside of buildings
i want to see faces
of people that i dont
have to worry about
or worry about
worrying about
me


i want to feel the breeze on my face
without getting cold
and in a welcome silence
look at a water's surface
reflecting the sunset
of a day
that feels okay
to end
but at the same time
i dont have to
say goodbye to
yet

and i want to sit
with people
i dont know
and listen to the music
of their voice
and their stories
without needing
to prove myself
as worthy
to hear them

i want to sit
in a little ice cream place
and order a little treat
that i dont mind knowing
only costed more cuz it was cute

--scratch that
i dont even want to
worry about
the cost
at all

and if im spending my money wisely
if its okay
if i should be getting to rest
because rest is supposed to look a certain way
if i should be eating healthier
cuz health
is supposed to look a certain way too

i want to sit in a cute little place
without worrying
that you think its too impractical
or are not really
enjoying yourself
thereby making this choice
a selfish decision
on my part

..in fact
im tired
of feeling selfish
all together
all the time
every time
i wish for something
that didn't feel mine
to wish for
to begin with

and should have been
something
i worked for
all along

...its always like that, isnt it?
or at least..that's what theyre trying
to convince me of

you have to earn it
you have to wait for it
to be disciplined, responsible
mature, selfless...spiritual
healthy, insightful, assertive
adult-like...confident...
you have to work hard for it

...when the truth is
...all this 'truth'
is just making me tired
of working
at all.

could you find yourself a way home?

..no, not really.

what are my four walls?

call me out.
call me out.
i need someone--

no. i need to
call...me out.