after the rain

...disclaimer

i know that it is by far
nowhere near close to the end of this storm

but to go outside, and be greeted
by sunshine,
and streets sparkling
with the reflection of an unset sun
shining on wet pavement and still puddles

felt really warm
for the first time
in a while

the crisp cold air
tingling against my numbing cheeks

running faster and faster,
to nowhere in particular
without a schedule
or someone to please

spinning in circles,
jumping, strolling,
sprinting,
twirling
wandering

...smiling
for my own sake
instead of yours

smiling
not for propriety
or to respond
so that someone
notes, is appeased, or sees
that i am

but just...
smiling

because it feels good.

i had a refreshing run today. =]
it's kinda odd right now...it's the end of the day. and pri pri isn't home, and ray and i are sabbath-ing. and not to say that my world revolves solely around those two particular friendships...but i guess, sometimes, it's just easier to let it.

i wonder who else i could tell, who it would matter to...that...my pasta turned out surprisingly yummier than i thought it would today? and that...i got cooking the broccoli right this time around too. and that i'm excited that i've already prepacked my lunch for tomorrow. or that...im relieved that my boss at least likes my half of the projects being done that we're turning in.

...was i feeling lonely?
was that it, then?

i mean, i talked to priya and ray like every day.
and i'd meet up to hang out with jill and wendi at least once a week. i see stella once a week and tori once a week now too. and a few other friends in between sometimes like gabe, or andy or steven or matt in passing.

and as far as friends from far away goes, i know nabi and i keep in contact through blogs. i get to text yuki every now and then--and even got to talk to her on the phone a couple weeks ago too. i do miss michelle though. hm. my sister and i call occasionally. my mom calls every day. ive just a couple weeks ago caught up with chrissy...before that with ashley (EEP. i need to call her again D: ) and i mean--eff, i JUST got off the phone with jeanine this afternoon from a really heartfelt blessing of a conversation.

hm.

ray calls every day too. almost--well. we talk/contact each other almost daily. and see each other once a week. and i mean, hey my mom calls every day too, i said that.

...but i guess it's different.

it's different from...
living life with that person..isn't it?

ive just noticed this actually.

i mean it's spring break now, but even for the weeks before that pri pri was getting pretty busy with aphio stuff then finals came along and i knew she needed her space to focus and study then too. so while we do in theory live life together as roommates under the same roof..i guess we havent had that chance to 'live life together' as before.

i've kind of lost that aspect of community in epic too.
i don't go to the events or hang outs, and i've missed the majority of the large group meetings. i dont even go to a small group. i go to catalyst, or i try to, but i havent been going weekly recently. and even when i do, im not there to invest emotionally in the people. im just there cuz i want to learn. hm..even my own discipler isn't even constant, to be honest. she and i are supposed to meet once a week, but so far we've been meeting every other week or so, if even that.

and when it gets down to it, we're not really even within the same community. we're not even involved in anything mutual or on a same page with a lot of things. she just..knows me from what i tell her. and a lot of what i tell her are just the messes of me.

i think.
im lonely.

i don't have anyone that i live my life with in that way
where i share a community with them-- actually..
i'm not even IN a community.
i know OF one? i'm even...OF one. sorta.
i see people in that community, but i dont invest in them as my own anymore
or the thing is, i've made no efforts to intentionally do so
and i've even every now and then choose to remind myself not to

im not in a bible study.
im not necessarily even in the fellowship--cuz...i don't go to the hang outs after large group. i dont even go to large group. i dont know half of the people there. they aren't close to my heart--i haven't let them be. they are as a group, but not individually.

i think..
it's been lonely
not having anyone to live life with
in that sense at least,
for a while now

maybe its just cuz me, jill, and wendi's hangouts
have been way too much about business recently--
well.. actually, that's a lil hard too.
cuz since ray doesn't live here anymore,
he's not really as invested as part of that community either.
...hm. how do i explain this..
like--matt ing and matt wang have the common ground
of both leading different bible studies in epic,
they see each other, or have the opportunity to
their hearts are mutually invested in this community
and that's a common ground for them
but ray's heart in ministry is invested at post college from church at home
--well, its getting to be more and more so

i dunno..it just feels like there's a whole nother
mini community im trying to invest in
with wendi, jill, and the two matt's...
(+ gabe and a couple other youngin's)
and ray isn't really as much a part of it as the other two matt's are
so im investing in that community alone
(^sounds contradictory/oxymoron right there)

it's not anything intentionally bad or disappointing or something
kinda just how the way things are right now
like with how pripri invests in aphio
and michelle in grad school
we all just have
different lives

...and i guess im realizing
that it's impacting me a lil bit
to feel like--or to find myself more aware
of just how much i feel like
im living this life
on my own

not to say that the daily phonecalls with ray aren't also an amazing blessing
but at the end of the day (which is when these calls usually happen)
my whole day has come and gone, and ive lived it on my own
and only that small part kind of has him in it
...while i am simultaneously somewhere else
possibly doing something else
and following that same
independent schedule

its even different from when pri and i catch up with each other
whether briefly or for a while, sometimes even while looking off of our own laptops
but we'll do other things too...like share videos. or ill sit on her bed and watch one
or i send her a link to something and we both comment
or we sit on her bed and watch dramas
or even just having a snack, or a meal together


...there's something about
living life with someone

that just feels nice
to be able to do.

i think i'm gonna miss that constancy and stability
and that security i have through rooming with
and being hubby and wife with pripri

and i worry about what that'll look like next year, at my uncles. how much of my life they'll expect me to devote to them. and how much of their life they expect me to be a part of. and what i have to do to fill these expectations in a way that improves relations rather than strains them.

...and to be honest
sometimes it's crossed my mind to worry too--when ray talks about when i move to elk grove and we live that much closer to each other, yknow? i'm worried--well. mostly cuz i can. and it's what i do--i shouldn't. but most times i do.

but yes anyway--i worry thaat..hm. i worry what it will look like to try to integrate him into my life in that way, where i am not within the convenience of my portable phone and following my own schedule and doing my own thing around catching up with him. im worried about things as small as what itd be like to actually SEE him every day. wont we--would we get bored?

how will i fight that childish sense of entitlement to some of his time, when he isnt used to making room or time to give it in that physical presence now that its an option sorta way?

and as far as community goes...
would i end up investing in his? would i find my own?
would i be able to invest in his even with that feeling of--..it's "his" looming over my head?
i even remember a time when it was weird at first to hold my hand
in front of a person he knew from his church
cuz this person didn't know him as that ray,
or recognize him as a boyfriend or me as his girlfriend

^...this would have been the anticlimactic ending part
where i fell asleep and the post stops abruptly,
but instead i'll roll with it and throw in
a just vague enough but summarizing conclusion.

when it gets down to it...

i think i really just...
miss sharing life with people
and having a place
to genuinely
feel like
home

and people to call home with it.