running late [pt 1]

...but who was i trying to keep up with in the first place anyway?

that is,
other than myself.
which is probably
the truest
hardest
most honest
answer

i can come up with

which is a little disappointing
cuz it exposes me
for just how much
self-centeredness
i really am
(^not a grammar mistake)

"how long have you noticed me lashing out like this..?"

"probably a couple weeks."

"...hm."

"dont beat yourself up over it, mam."
at the time, i didn't realize
he had said it gently

"i'll do what i want--"...i stopped
and realized what i had just muttered instantly in response
contrarily, like a four year old crossing their arms in an chubby cheeked pout
...quietly,
like a grown up who knows
she just said something more honestly immature
than she meant to

silence.
two seconds, three.
four, if im lucky
then my thinking that it lasted forever
would be one second less exaggerated

"...what?"
i knew he didn't say anything, but i inquired anyway.
"if you don't respond i wont know what you're thinking,
and i wont know if you heard me or if i--"
i was letting myself sound more frustrated than i probably really was
to compensate for feeling (and sounding) scared instead

"no, i heard you..its just...was a terrible response."
i knew that. of course i did.
i was ready to respond with indignant silence,
when he interrupted my crossing arms
with a verbal embrace

"im hurt that you're hurting yourself."

..came some of the most
redemptive
and vulnerably
loving
words

id ever heard.

or allowed myself to hear,
at the very least.

i was caught off guard
you always
catch me off guard

...You always
catch me off guard

i was called out on being distant
i was called out on being sarcastic

but before i could say sorry--
i was interrupted.
"i forgive you."

i was called out
...just for someone
to look me in the eye
and say
i miss you

...and tell me it's okay to miss them too.