part of your world

"...just missing family, in short
its really hard to be away
i feel like im living the life God chose for me to,
so obviously the best choice...right?
but the life my heart yearns for
[is to be with my family, to be near them,
to live life with them, be an active part of their lives,
share every day laughter, as well as every day frustrations
carry burdens together and hold each other's hands through
and at the end of the day, fall asleep next to
with the irreplaceable, invaluable memory
of another day together
treasured in my heart...]
[that] is the sacrifice im making right now
is to not be able to be with them
or even close"

instead i celebrate the intimacy
but am only able to like..dip my toes in it
my feet sometimes
but then have to run away, or pull back really quickly
and revert back to the outside air
that the rest of me has gotten used to

its like a pool...
like when the water is warm enough
that its warmer to be in it
than outside of it
but knowing i cant stay in that pool
and its not my place to be in it
its almost easier to stand where i am
even if its less warm or full on cold
than to dip my feet into the water's inviting warmth
metaphorical to the warmth and love i receive from my family
and the comfort of being at home
the absence of this warmth, or colder temperature
that my body is getting used to
feels a lil easier to bear on the rest of my body
only to pull my feet out of the warm water
and have it be surrounded again with the shock
of stinging, sharp needles of cold
of being away from where i know
most of me wants to belong


...i have no idea how the little mermaid did it. D:

for now i will keep standing in this place God has placed me in
knowing that the sky above me
is just as capable of shining down
light. warmth. and the breath of air
that i cant get from under the water
no matter how closely
i look up
to the surface

thanks for grieving with me, gabe.
thank you for friends that will, God
and thank you for people
who are standing with me
and the warmth
of your embrace
knowing that You can take care
and love on my family
better than i can
and that Your plans
are more perfect
and loving
than mine

even if i dont know how to believe it now
and even if my heart wrenches
and struggles to comprehend
what faith means or feels like
at this very point in time

i would like very much
to be able to believe
that it isn't even
just about
the strength
that i can muster
for the sake
of my own faith
but knowing
that God is bigger
than all of me
and than what
i can or cannot
or may continue to be
unable to comprehend