running late [pt 2]

it's hard to look forward
to those days like the other day
when i wasted hours of my afternoon
doing things that i knew did nothing for me
just to diminish my already depleting time
on things, worldly things, lazy things,
means of escape
instead of taking the responsible steps forward
as a means of purposely
trying to grow

it was later than i meant for it to be
when i finally got up to get ready for my run
i hadn't read,
journaled,
or processed
anything
or done any of the things
i had meant to do
before i went for a long awaited run

i felt like i ruined my day
ruined my run that i was looking forward to all day
to celebrate the first sunny day of an otherwise dark, gloomy, soggy week.

because of my own shortcomings
it would no longer be the sunny refreshing run
that i meant it to be

i ruined it,
i felt like i ruined the very thing
i was meaning to do
to make me feel better
it would be too dark to even run soon
with all the time i had wasted being unproductive

...and i stepped outside
and was welcomed, in awe
of a glowing picture of a pre-sunset sky

where the rays came down
through cloudy silhouettes
and the light contrasted
beautifully
with the dimming sky
in a way that i never, by myself,
would have known to how to coordinate
just the right time
to be able to see,
and run alongside
such a picturesque scenery

in short, i guess...
my plans will fail
my efforts will fail
my time will be wasted
in my own hands
and my words will be
full of defensive,
at times self-deprecating
lies

...but it isn't up to me to paint that pretty picture
because the sky itself and all of its beauty
is something unfathomable for me to ever
have the ability to reach, and try to shape
to my own agenda, my own desires, my own will

and even if i tried
id never be able to come up
with a picture
as pretty
as the one i see now

no amount of harm
i could possibly see myself to be able to do
or beat myself up for doing

can even come anywhere remotely close
to doing any irreparable damage
to the flawlessness of Your perfect plans
that Your perfect love
has set in motion for us

let me not be that arrogant, Lord.

my timing isn't everything

what i really need to do
is learn to trust
in Yours.