"i cant bear to see the man i've been, rising up in me again..."

"Here I am Lord and I'm drowning.
In your sea of forgetfulness,
The chains of yesterday surround me.
I yearn for peace and rest.
I don't want to end up where you found me.
And it echoes in my mind,
Keeps me awake tonight."

**blender noise, blender noise.*

the things i
remember
about davis


isn't gonna be

the davis i remember,
anymore.


it's kinda weird to think of, or understand.
but its true.
even every quarter is different.

what was important to me then--how important is it gonna be now?
well...still important.
but very far away.

what new memories will cover up the old ones?
what new identities, feelings, meanings of words or places..
of people?

every year has been so completely different.

have i?

freshman year was dorm life.
sophomore year was apt life + cru + prichelleyong.
junior year was epic + dorothy + prichelle + bfg.

did it all really start
with the 'dream team'?

...that seems so far away now.

..
i don't think i've played
AS intense
a game of pictionary
since.

i really want to.


..ill even take charades!
(haha, oh will)

hm
this year--no, last year
was new, too.

mandy?
dorothy?

new names, new faces.

stef, yvonne, sonia.

names i knew, now names i know.

prichelle.

made that up just now.
you know who you are <>

kevin nguyen--

...still???


india
...

india?!

i never woulda dreamed.

beth, hannah b, gigi + darren, scott agee, joe, eddie, matt robbins + family?
michelle too?

who woulda thought.
who woulda known
that i would have known?

brian sattler, peter rystrom, alwin luu.

older brothers.

tim jang, michael aalseth--
you existed before this year?!

gabe, matt wang, justin, and ray?

...who knew.
and now they know.
when/how did that happen again?

womens ministry.

...me?
seriously?!

brenda & jeanine.

new voices on the phone < style="text-align: right;">nabi and yuki.

..'nuff said. =]

it's gonna be

a new year.

new faces,
new voices,
new feelings,
new meanings,
identities,
challenges,
trials,
and fears.

new stories,
memories,
goodbyes,
and "it's been a while"'s

"i miss you"'s

that are more
and less
recent


it's
gonna be.


but this time,
it won't
JUST
be.

not just
something new

but a continuation
a new...beginning?

maybe.

but more like
the continuation
of something
that
never ended

and
doesn't have to yet.

and wont.

even if it fades.

it wont.

disappear.

pass 2

today will be...

cookies.

double chocolate chip cookies
and sugar-free chocolate pecan cookies. (for my dad!)
my mom's making sweet spasgetti.
and my aunt bought brownie mix.

and my sister is gonna come home
and hate us ALL =D

..unnecessary or not
at least even if it was
just for myself
i have some closure.

now all i have to worry about
is hat/paper bag shopping,
type of wedding cake to make for stella,
breaking out of anti-social-ness,
and trying to convince eric hu to come with me
(to a possible epic hang out this weekend),
drivers license testing,

and oh yeah

that i just basically signed myself up

for a quarter of
ULTIMATE WHAT THE EFF AM I DOING WITH MYSELF
kind of doom

i need to stop making my sleeping schedule
invisible
in my own line of vision.
X_X

what's more worth it?


i mean seriously,
if sonia deserves 5 < 3's
then at least a few of those < 3 's
should represent some blocks and hours of time available for her, right?
or for like.. friends in general (and managing my women, yes < 3 )

what's more important?
and which one of these
can i not live without?

---

..i just talked to bethy (yay revisiting teachings from India @@)
and talked myself into a full circle
of "outloud answers" with gabe

i guess
today will also be


viji's said contentment,
priorities over burdens,

and acting on
the 'outloud'
right decisions.

..
and praying over them first x_x.



"The statement we so often hear, 'Make a decision for Jesus Christ,' places the emphasis on something our Lord never trusted. He never asks s to decide for Him, but to yield to Him--something very different."-My Utmost for His Highest

...i hope my dad likes the cookies < 3

before i forget

dear blog, self, general public,
and specific people who may ever come across this blog,

let it be noted!

that michelle is basically a genius < 3 .

=]

and priya has upped the bar on the amount of comfortable-ness
thought possible with another roommate/person.

i feel incredibly blessed.

"lucky to be in love with my best friend(s),"
hannah

the short version:

theres no undo button
to start
all over again
or go back
to where it was before

no matter how much whining i do
or how much i dont like it

it's still not gonna make it grow any faster

so the only plausible solution
....
is to cut it
EVEN MORE
. . . . .
again!

2 haircuts in less than 24 hrs
and now already planning for her third,
hannah

ps: by the time this is read,
priya will have probably already KEELED me
for still not liking my haircut, and deciding to cut it
(not till way later tho)
once again.

..
but at least it made for a pseudo dramatic
if not completely ridiculous last entry? =D

"my hands are holding you..."

You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of these nation
You are

You're the light in this darkness
You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

For greater things
Have yet to come
And greater things
Are still to be done
in this city

I hear it all the time. Or maybe it just keeps repeating in my head, because I can't remember anymore where I got the reference. A speaker? A conference? A book? A post? A movie?

It asks over and over and mentions things like, what's your Jerusalem? Your..something else. I need to ask Brian Sattler...and I need to stop being reliant on him for answers =/.

Is this a Jerusalem?

"In this city"

I want to have hope, in the great things that -have- come and -have- been done in this 'city.' I want to believe that there -will- be greater things to come. I want to believe, and have courage through that to face the part where these greater things actually 'need to be done.'

It takes so much, Lord.

It takes a lot.

And you never know when the 'happy ending' is. And sometimes the 'happy ending' doesn't happen in this world, or in your lifetime. There are so many things happening meanwhile in each lifetime being lived now.

I need to believe that these 'greater things' are being done.

No matter how close or far they might seem like they are.

I need to believe in the One who does these great things for my 'city.'

I love my family.

..But I need to have hope
and believe, sincerely
even if I have to re-realize it
over and over

that I love my family--

But God, for sure, loves them more.

...

And that is what I'll put my faith in
that everything will be okay.

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine

You are mine,

and you shine
for me too

I love you yesterday
and today
And tomorrow,

I'll say it again and again

I love you more.

I believe in something
greater than myself
greater than the self
greater than those
difficulties
that make it hard to see
beyond your self

And my life needs to reflect that.

"And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go

Even when you come undone."

eternity in Your hands

AT THE CROSS YOU BECKON ME
YOU DRAW ME GENTLY TO MY KNEES AND I AM
LOST FOR WORDS SO LOST IN LOVE
I AM SWEETLY BROKEN WHOLLY SURRENDERED

im afraid
of the things
i havent
yet
faced

im afraid
of the things
i have
and know i will
have to

over
and over
...and over
again

-----

8/20

i think im always
one step
ahead of myself
but not even in action
but just in my head

one step ahead
...worrying

worrying about the next thing
that -could- go wrong

before i get through the first or second
im already on the fifth and sixth
seventh and eighth
way that i might be messing up

somehow
and inevitably

im one step ahead
in stressing
but not in reality,
not in action
or ways

just afraid
of the next time
i might be
left behind

all the ways
im worth
forgetting

already critiquing
the things that went wrong
or things i think
will go wrong
blaming myself thoroughly

and feeling
restrained
and helpless

how long have i been
relying on my own effort..?

relying on following the effort
of the people around me

i wonder if its in any way
some attempt to try to fit in

im worried about next year.

where and how ill spend my time
what matters
who matters

the last year.

afraid of wasting it already
afraid of not being good enough
afraid of failing

of hurting more
important people

doubting my ability
to hold onto those
who are important

im afraid
of the things i missed
will miss
have missed
miss now

and i miss
every day.

without even knowing it.
but at the same time
being fully
and completely
aware

but its just..easier
to pretend not to be, right?

..but why am i pretending to know more than i really do?
why do i claim turns of events, trials, failures, successes, or lack of it
as if they were actually
somehow in my own control?

---

..
i think i like being reminded
just how out of my control
things really are

its refreshing
to be reminded
just how -human-
those cynical thoughts, or outcomes
or doubts, and fears
really are

they come, and belong from elsewhere
but they are not truth
they're not
His truth

i cant keep
orchestrating my own images of life
especially since doing that on my own
so easily creates the absence
of the acknowledgment
of Christ's hand


wishes, goals, and plans
you're left
with nothing
but crumbling images
of a life relying on the self
that is nowhere near
as capable, knowing,
or sincerely loving

as Christ's presence
residing,
and waiting
to be expressed

in us
through us
...to us.

i'm really afraid
of messing that up

but i think more so, i should be afraid
of the sinful arrogance

of thinking
that my will
or mistakes
could ever
be bigger
than God's will
God's plan

His promise
His perfect love
and loving grace

2:31 a.m.

is it weird to miss someone so quickly?
that you talk to..all the time anyway?

it was more of a passing--"oh....huh." feeling
but it was still there, and took me by surprise, really

today was my mom's, and a lot of people's day off =].
which meaaans! yaaay more family time and hanging out all day
sistur and i flopped about and talked a lot today
and tomorrow my mom and i wanna try to make egg pie,
which is like one giant filipino dan tat *_*

we abandoned watching watchmen, and i've added it to mike aalseth's many strikes
any points in the movie was covered with too much gore, violence, and nun-shocking inappropriateness

but tomorrow we get to watch the filipino movies my cousin burned for us =]

today was karaoke-ing,
grocery shopping,
dinner making/eating,
errand running,
and family movie attempt-ing

and it started off with an almost unwelcome breakfast
which happened to come at 9 am @@

i was up till 4 talking to Yuki..
but thats something i never regret doing xD
i miss heeer
well, solid long enough convos with her
even tho my attention span is whats to blame

but eff i heart her =]
even when im too sleepy, or in general too incoherent
to respond to her thoughts
they arent any less amazing of thoughts
and i still just..really..love listening to them

and she's right
all the way back even past co-stressing over college apps
i really have shared,
and love sharing
experiences with her =]

nabi is still the liight of my life
and a catch up phonecall with michelle made my day yesterday
and one with priya before--plus countdown of
FOUR more days
till i see her again
makes life kind of amazing

im excited to read with ray and gabe
and bake eventually still with justin

im actually crossing stuff off to-do lists

and

there's only 5 mins left till bed time =x

and even thouugh
i have been breaking it for the past few days
i just..really..almost really
like the idea of it =]

just, sorta almost whats behind it i guess
and that general being kept accountable on things
including my own health
and energy/time i spend with people

today was a really good day

there are still some things im really scared that i have to be doing..
and doing very soon, or should have already

three minutes

i miss frozen yogurt
i love my family
and i love my friends

and its
such
a blessing

to pray

and
be prayed for

there are
so many blessings
in every day

fifi meets san diego

Really fun trip with my family in SD this weekend =]. I could probably ramble on forever, and to a couple people I already have. But to sum it up, and leave myself some reminders of memories...yaay ridiculous lists and quotes!

Memories, insides, songs, and words
6 hours to and from
plus 30 mins on the way back
of my dad trying to get back at
and messing with poor fifi (our gps)'s mind

frozen lemonade
sago at gulaman
mamon/french spongecakes
jollibee
fries, after fries, after fries
tea, after mocha, after tea, and honey
spasgetti, scones, croissants, and lemonade

Cold hot chocolate,
"candid pictures"
car karaoke
and car dancing

ridiculous photo,
after ridiculous photo,
after normal photo,
that ended up being ridiculous

90 minute car rides,
Sprinting through zen gardens
violent car games
hand holding
asian drama lines
red ribbon guamanian boy

west enke
silent e's
silent a's

and needing to lock the car windows
because of the whole backseat
screaming
in unison
every time
an elbow
accidentally hits it open

=]

-"Bom-bom-bee-dom-bom-bom-bee-dom-dom!"

-"Aww, don't worry Ate Zyra. We miss Lassy and Fae too =D."


-"BATTLEFIELD! BATTLEFIELD!.....BATTLEFIELD!"
**5 mins later*
-". . .BATTLEFIELD!"

-"Something smells funny..."
-"Yeah.."
-"Ninang? **serious face* Are you smoking weed?"

-"Weed doesn't smell like that!"
-"Huh. You're right.
. . .Ate Zyra, are you smoking weed?"

-"The song's OVER already!"
-"Oh."
-". . ."
-". . ."
-"BATTLEFI--"
-"Out of the car! Right now!"

-"Romeo! Romeo! Romeo! Romeo!"
-"I thought you guys printed out lyrics for this already?"
-"Oh yeah. We did...."
-"Romeo romeo! Romeoo....Julieet!!"

-"Is that a hole on the left side of my pant leg?"

-"Dude, I gotta get my left butt cheek some air--the right one, s'all good. It's just the left one that's givin' me trouble."

-"Ate Hannah, let me hold that for you. Are you okay? You keep tripping over everything all over the place. Like, no seriously! Like you're unbalanced or gonna fall over on one side."
-"Ah, don't worry about it, I'm just disoriented cuz I'm sleepy.."
-"..Yeah, but like, seriously. You just walked right into that sign. Then turned around. And walked into it again."
-"...Maybe you should hold this."

-"Hey there, are you gonna buy anything? Or are you just gonna stand there looking pretty? ;D"
-"Ahaha~ **flips hair*"
-"I'm just kiiddiiiinng...**Huug* about the pretty part! =D."
-**Knee in the stomach* D:


My sister discovers a gps on my phone...

-"Hear that, Mommy?! We can go anywhere we want!"
-"You two can't drive."
-"Like I said! We can go to Wal-Mart! =D =D"
(Walmart = basically down the street)

-"No one said you had to be in a car to use a GPS..."
-"Destination in 1.2 miles."
**45 mins later*
-"Destination in 1.1 miles."

-"Destination is STILL not reached. Please check if your car is on park."

-"Keep power-walking, Mommy! We're almost there!"
-". . .You. have. MISSED. your. turn."

-"Aww! I'm gonna name her Lafonda!"
-"Lafonda?"
-"SUP Fifi! Call me Mumsie =D =D"
-"Ew D: "

-"Checking roads for traffic
. . .Not that it MATTERS. You. SLOW. Effers."

-"Lafonda! Now don't you give us any sass!"

-"Destination in 1.1 miles."
-"I want my GPS to have a British accent!"
-"Destination in 1.1 BRITISH miles...and chips."

-"Your 25 day free trial as expired."
-"Wha? i thought it was 30 days?"
-"Yes. I QUIT."

-"Fifi, noooo!"
-"Fonda! Remember mee? It's mumsie!"

At the Hotel...

-"Let's stay in the car, Ninang. It's not safe out there."
**Alison waves from outside the car window* =D =D =D

2 beds, 4 people

-"So whose sleeping with Ali and whose sleeping with Ate Zyra?"
-"Hey Ate Hannah..**posing laying down with one arm behind his head and one knee up* C'mere...Bebeh ;D"
both aunt and I: . . . **SCREAM*
-"You know what? These beds are HUGE! Let's both sleep with Ate!"


-"What Ninang?"
-"Yuuck, Ali. Where did you learn that?"
-"From Ate Hannah."

-"WHAT. No he didnt!"
-"Don't you remember?"
-"I would NEVER--...Huh. Wait wait. Oh. Oh yeah. Well, eff."

*aunt looking for something*
-"Where's the pillow, Hannah?"
-"I'll be your pillow tonight.....bebeh. ;D"
-"SEE! I told you!"
-"kjdjkdlhjkdh Eff! He's right! Agh, move over."

That morning

"Eeew, Hannnahh, you and your brother sleep together on the same bed!"
-"Very mature, Ninang D:. It's a little too early in the morning for--**look up*"
-**brother doing same pose as before* "So how'd you sleep last night? ..Bebeh."
-"D: D: D: D: **KICKS him off the edge of the bed*

Seaworld...

-"Alright, I've voted myself the captain of this ship. If anyone has any objections, then--"
-"Ate, that's not for steering, that's just to hold onto."
-"...Oh. Well then."

-"AGH! My mouth was open!"
-"What you're tasting right now--that's what we like to call turtle vomit, from the turtles we saw out before the line."
-"D:!"

-"Ate Hannah, the floor moves so it says watch your step, okay?"
-"Out of all of us here why am I the only one you feel the need to--**fall*"

-"Am I the only one who found it a little bit morbid, and kind of unsettling for people to be ordering salmon to eat while we were in Seaworld? I mean seriously, we were like surrounded by its cousins."
-"...So let's order the tilapia and shrimp for dinner."
-"Yaaay shrimp!"

-"Let's teach Sassy to do that trick!"
-"I don't think you're gonna be able to step on Sassy's nose and have her swim you around, Daddy."
-"Shae's younger! We'll teach her instead!"


Crowded underwater aquarium tunnel

-"I don't know what everyone's looking at, when the show's...**grabs onto a pole in the middle of the room and strikes a pose* Right here"

-"You know you can take your sunglasses off now, right?"
-". . .What the EFF. I thought it looked unsafely dark in here!"

-"Those things are ugly."
-"I may never look at the little mermaid the same again."

-"Ninang, give me FIERCE!"


Balboa Park & More on the trip back..

-"Okay, can we take a nice picture-PLEASE?"

-"Wait! My eyes were closed!"
-"You're wearing SUNGLASSES!"

-"If I were a giiirrrl!"
-"Someday, Ninang. Someday."

-"BATTLEFIELD! BATTLEFIELD!--Romeo romeo, do the Hellen Keller, and talk with your HHIIIPS! I will SURVIVE!--chicka chicka Remix!"
-"...You know you should have mentioned the remix part BEFORE the song mashing."

-"Re-routing."

-"Lafonda, I'm so sorry. I...I was wrong!"

-"What are you doing?"
-"I'm elevating the butt cheeks!"

-"That's not what it looks like..."
-"Then what--"
-"Pelvic THRUST!"

-"Is that 4 people in your back seat?! I'm gonna need you to step out of the--oh. Well, hm. Huh. He's sleeping. I guess you can pass then."

-"Your GPS just doesn't have these roads in the system yet."
-"Isn't it done by satellite?"
-"That's what I'm sayiinng...Look!...It's DARK!"
-" . . . "

-"Okay, either you sleep OR you laugh! The rule is, you can't do BOTH!"


These car seats were our homes for about 13 hours this weekend =D

4 hrs of driving later..
^us attempting to look like we can still feel our legs

Father & Son pic!

"I was trying to look old!"

I love my family <>

"...and you'll thirst no more"

i love any chance i get
to look up
at a quiet sky
and even for a second
be reminded

just. how. small.

i really am.

< 3

my fair share of damsels

wow..
I feel like I'm desecrating my blog by posting such girly lyrics D:
Even Dorothy was surprised when I sent her the link to the video

"I just want to keep the disclaimer that Taylor Swift and everything about her still makes my insides shrivel up and die and crumble into some kind of inedible toxic ash"
"Ohh, okay, good! I was like--wha..she HATES **bleep* like this!"

lol @@ This is for meh aunt dern it.
Since she'll probably be put to work practicing this same song
All car ride day long..again
Hopefully we're not too sick of it by the SD drive
since she just printed out the lyrics so she can follow along this time xD
Ahaha, I heart her <3
She also has issues with talking about being a boy
But we're working on her too..
one random girly song at a time D:
**dies a lil on the inside*
(the video for it was kinda like the signs one tho! =x )

It's been fun getting to hang out with family and stuff again =].

Family breakfasts are on and off, but they happen < 3 . And I finally kept my promise to go to the gym with my lil brother, which turned out as hilariously horrible as I thought it would.

**on ellipticals*
"Why are you burning 2 more calories than me when I've been on it for two more whole seconds?!"
"Ahaha~ Hmm..actually I think it was set on fat burn so I wonder if the machine is just messing with my mind...--What are you doing?"
". . .**turns the machine up, then starts running as ridiculously fast as he can*"
"....D:! You're gonna break it!!"
"....**pant pant pant* HAH! **screen now shows him as 3 calories burned ahead*"
"...EFFER."

"Hua! Hyah! AAAAHHHH!!"
"Are you gonna keep making a sound effect every time I lift it?"

"Okay, here, we'll start you off at 30."
"....**15 seconds of me sitting there trying to lift it*"
"...Like I said, we'll start you off at 20."


"Aliii, my arms hurt!"
"...Ate Hannah, this is an ab work out machine. What are you DOING?"

"Okay so its best to finish doing repetitions of like 25 per side.."
**leaves and does his, finishes, and comes back*
"Do you want it to switch it?"
"...I'm not done yet."
"What number are you on?"
"...Four."
"....D:"

"They need to make toilets out of these..."

"Don't you know that the first thing a girl feels when you carry them princess style is your biceps?!"
"..How do you know?"
"I've carried my fair share of damsels, yeah."


It was really fun talking to him about stuff on the car ride back too =]. We were both laughing too much while trying to do stuff, so it was even. I told him I didn't wanna hold him back so I'd just do whatever he was doing. Which, if you can't tell, ended up mostly being weights and stuff. It's really cool to be able to like..hang out and get along with him now. He's a lot funnier than I remember xD.

**Ali dipping his fries in ranch*
"Don't put so much, Ali, ranch is really fatty remember."
"......**looks at the ranch container then pretends to check and read the label on it*
'Warning: May cause sister to be naggy.' ...Ohh."
"D:!"

My sister's really funny too..in a just as ridiculous way, especially since she's so put together and like, the drill sergeant-ly efficient (in)sane perfectionist one of the family otherwise. I blame the puppies. Any time she talks to them I can't take her seriously. It's really fun, and she and I have been able to have serious convos too =]. I dunno, she's just really nice now. And we're able to get along and kinda just...get each other.

"Sassyyy! You're going to live to be 100 years old, okay? Coz when I die, I want you to be right here next to me so I can pet you, and love you, and say goodbye to you. You can die at 100, because then Hannah can take care of you. Alison, I don't really trust so much.."
"..So have you ever seen the dog on Scrubs? =D"
"....Like I said, you can die at 99 years old, and you can even die WITH me! We'll make a nice little hole right next to my grave!"


I've also slowly gotten more and more appreciation for my parents over the years. The way they interact and just their individual personalities. No matter how bad times get, which they really can..and no matter how much disagreement or dysfunction there is in the family as a whole, I'm always amazed feel incredibly blessed. Blessed that at the end of the day things still come together and everyone still laughs together, is ridiculous together, and can put so many things aside for the sake of enjoying each other.

**phonecall from mom* (translated to english!)
"Is your Daddy home?"
"He's outsiiide."
"What?? But there's a storm! What's he doing??"
"Yeahh, he was watering the grass and wanted to finish."
"..It's raining! That's what a storm is! Tell him to come inside!
The wind is blowing really hard! What if he gets blown away?"
(sis: "pstt, tell her he's kapit kapit (holding onto) the guava tree--its her favorite outside! look what she does!")
"It's okay! He's holding onto the treees~"
"...Not the guava tree is he?"
"He's probably been blown all the way to California by noww..look he's calling me from Davis!"
"...TELL HIM TO BRING THE GUAVA TREE BACK."


They're funnier than I remember too xD.
Or maybe they're the same and I just appreciate their humor more?
Just this morning my dad was showing me his address book on his phone...and it's ridiculous xD. It started cuz his phone was ringing and my sister and I looked at it..and the name for the caller was 'wag na wag' which is a tagalog expression equivalent to..."Don't you dare." And we're like..WHat? And apparently he's labeled all these random numbers he doesn't wanna and makes sure he doesn't ever pick up on xD. Things like "No" and "No No" and filipino words meaning things like "dont" or "not home" or "i dont wanna D:". xD So funny. We make fun of my mom a lot too < 3 . Like how she's had a hard time answering questions on the permit test or learning how to drive but for some reason she remembers all the stuff in the guidebook that has to do with money or fees xD.


Ahh sleepy @@.
I dunno what deh eff happened that the clock somehow read 5 am before I knew it last night. But at the same time I can't help but still feel really grateful. Just..being directed back to God, and needing to answer and in a way own up to what He's been teaching me as well as any of my own shortcomings along the way. Conversations that keep me appreciating my family, and reminding me why I do. Conversations that bring up the questions we're supposed to be asking, and the nature of God we're supposed to be reaching out to to try to get to know. Even just seeing how God is working in everyone's lives is really encouraging =].

I feel a lot more comfortable with where I am, even though I know it still needs some work. I still don't agree about dealing with a lot or anything, since I'm sure I'm doing whatever the average person is doing too..just..what they can, with what they're given, yeah? Hmm..But it's nice. It's just..refreshing, I guess. Remembering that you don't have to be doing these things on your own, and realizing (even if only little by little) the extent of what that means to be loved so much that you're not ever left on your own.


Note: I ended up being too repulsed to post a pasted copy of the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "You Belong with Me" afterall D:

dont drop your arms

i'm oversensitive.


mm..so justin said today,
why aren't you here?
and i said,
haha good question!--why arent YOU here?
and he said
haha cuz gabe, cynthia, alex, nova, sonia, and ray are all here
majority rules
and i haha'd again
and said he had a point.


...so i've been thinking a lot recently--well not recently
but randomly its crossed my mind a few times while ive been here
also, my parents have asked about or mentioned it
and they almost have a point?

they've asked about my friends who visited me before here
and they came up in a random convo with matt wang too once
how ridiculous it was, that my first year goung to college
and being away from home
the first break back--
four guys, drive the five+ hours
from each others houses in so cal
from LA, California
to Queen Creek, Arizona
...
to visit -me-

and like
...really?
seriously?

that's kind of amazing
a huge testament of God
trying to show me that year
how much better a place, a home, of an environment of friends
He had meant for me, wanted for me

people willing to do things
i would never even THINK of asking them
and definitely not ever expect them to do
or to WANT to do
voluntarily
with no..really...
nothing
in return

alex, jeremy, takuma, and kevin
they were the first group of people i hung out with in the dorms
we did so much random stuff together--
it started with jeremy, alex, and i as the "dream team"
(EXTREME pictionary)
and then us just deciding that Takuma was AWESOME
and he WAS/IS
and Kevin was Alex's roommate
so he kinda also came with the package =P

they were such distinct personalities
still really are

but it was just...i dunno
unbelievable to me
and thats why i didnt try to stop them more than half heartedly
cuz i didnt want to actually expect them to go through with it

i never asked them either
i just half jokingly complained
about how they were all gonna drive to meet each other in so cal
and hang out..and id be stuck by myself
in arizona, with nothing to do

....
i emphasized that nothing
like--NOTHING
and made it clear to them even when they're like
alright, we'll visit YOU then
that..
if they did
we wouldn't do anything
that i had nothing entertaining for any of us to do
that i lived in the middle of nowhere
and we wouldnt have anything to do
and we'd just sit around
and do nothing
and itd be boring..and and..yeah
we wouldnt have anything to do

and jeremy's quick shrugging off reply was
"Well, thats what we do now in the dorms isn't it?
We still have fun. Plus. You'd be there."

i'm not sure how i responded to that
...probably not appropriately
if i responded at all
or if i was more speechless

and they came
and seriously...i wasn't kidding
there really wasn't anything to do

even on their way here they called me and were like
DUDE you really ARE in the middle of nowhere
and im like
YEAH D:

and...thats it
we just..hung out
they had dinner
we spent..the whole day..
indoors...with them just playing my lil brother's video games
aaaalll day
it was like a long weekend at home, or i dun even know
im not sure if we even got out of our pj's all day

i do remember that they ended up staying too late
so they decided they'd just spend an extra night sleeping over xD

its all kinda blurry now, what happened which night
but im pretty sure that at some point we bought snacks, rented, and watched a movie
that i fell asleep in xD;;
i think it was little miss sunshine, which i love NOW

my dad tried to offer em alcohol = =
only kevin said yes, even tho i glared i think enough at the rest of them not to
kevin's always been kinda unphased though = =

i think after dinner we all just talked
or after the movie
and i fell asleep, i think
right there in the loft with the rest of them
cuz we were up talking for so long
and jeremy and i were the last ones standing i think

before they left, they left me with christmas presents
that were kind of super amazing o_x
jeremy gave me a bunch of emo cd's he burned and labeled and drew pics on himself
and alex eventually gave me an inuyasha plushie
i forget..oh!
oh yeah, kevin gave me a purple flashdrive to make up for something
i forget

and effing takuma
was amazing as always
i miss our gift exchanging tradition
just cuz...well
he's amazing to give something to
and is one of the most thoughtful people i know
who just..somehow picked up on little things i said

i mentioned wanting to steal the paper lanterns at fuji's
and how all i wanted in the entiire world was..yeahh
and that my fave color was green
okay, the fave color i dont even know when i mentioned
and the paper lantern thing?
was probably mooonths before
but yeah..he got me two paper lanterns that he probably had to enter into a super girly store to
cuz one was a green sanrio one
and the other was a bright red asiany looking one with a giant chinese symbol on it xD

wow--i tangented like forever just now
um!

so..i did wonder
since my parents asked, and also wondered
if my friends were gonna visit me now

and its almost eee..cuz those four particular friends
i know im not super close to anymore like before
but theyre still like brothers =]
just too much dorm drama for our own good

hmm but i guess i realized, since then
other than marni, meh amazing high school friend
i hadn't had anyone else visit or offer to since then
--okay, well
alwin kept trying to make plans to xD
it was cool, cuz his reasoning was the same as jeremy's
cept he insisted there'd be something to do
and something ridiculous at that
--but yeah
it didnt really phase or occur to me before?
cuz its not like id expect em to
or ever expected anyone to

but i almost forgot that people did before

until just now
when priya out of nowhere..just..offered to
just...DECIDED to
and sincerely, for no reason or benefit to her, really
just..WANTED to
and made it, or is making it happen

honestly whether she ends up making it or not
(which i REALLY hope she does!!)
i'm just..moved
even by the gesture
that she's bought her ticket and is ready to go

=]
i forgot what it was like?
no..that's over dramatic

but it just..
makes me realize
ive been looking all over the place
OTHER than what was already in front of my face

i think i half-jokingly have asked,
or pleaded, or offered, like..a bazillion times
to try to get epic kids to come visit

i think i keep reaching out myself
being super surprised and grateful
when people reach back, or respond in some way
and there are so many amazing people
who have reached out to me too

but i keep forgetting
where..
i already am
and who
i'm already with
too

and this is nothing against epic or complaint at all btw o_o
eff, arizona's boring..
and i've never taken myself too super seriously either when i offer
on the off chance
and
just in case
the other person isn't taking me seriously either

plus i know people are sincere when they say they'd wanna visit if they could
and in the end its just nice to know when the people you miss miss you back =]

hmm
i guess the point of my realization
is more like..
i hope i don't make this mistake again
in the school year..
where i'll be too busy reaching out
that i forget to hold onto
the people i've already been blessed
to be in the same place
and define the same home with
as each other
and in that way
have defined each other as home

i hope
i dont stray
too far away

i hope i stop straying so far at all

i wont put my hopes, or happiness, or worth
in things that aren't permanent or of Him
in things that do not glorify Him
or display my love for Him

"what do i do with that?"
...if you don't know
then neither will i
is what i wanted to say

and have probably said
over and over
in my mind by now

maybe
you wont do anything at all
...
i think that was
probably the decision

and eventually

im going to have to--
im going to need to
if i havent already

just decide
what to do
with those feelings
myself

--haha
actually i think im wrong about that
cuz..God's gonna decide

all i've got to go off of is His response
when God answered me instead

i think i was talking to beth about something like this before
or something totally unrelated
but i asked her what do i do with blah blah something
yeah, it was totally unrelated
but basically, i said i didnt know what to do with myself
or that self

and she said
'i think God wants it =]'

what do i do with all this?
i give it to Him
i'll give these feelings
to Him

and trust
and know
and be comforted
that that is enough to make it okay

i can't
and dont
and shouldn't
expect anyone
to be able to take care of me
or love me
to the extent
that He can
and does

not family, not friends

that's not a fair expectation
for anyone to have to feel the pressure to meet


letting other people love you
can be just as hard as learning to love other people
God is, and will always be
the perfect love

as for people
people try,
and people fail

but isn't it funny
that the most beautiful
and tragic things
happen
when we try


that its 'too scary'
too much energy
or unpleasant to fail
...
doesn't change that fact, doesn't it?
or make it any more okay
to run away

God meant for our hearts to be open
He held our hands
so we wouldn't be
so afraid


...because to Love
as He has Loved us
and to Love Him
and Love others
...
is also
what we were
created
and blessed
to try
to do

right?

maybe someday
something will happen

but i think,
mostly

we have to be
willing to try

"this might hurt, it's not safe.."

and already i was more than ready to get up and walk away

thanks for staying up to listen, gabe =]
thanks for the sudden downpour of blog post comments, nabi xD!!
thanks for the ridiculously amazing tshirt ideas that we WILL go through with, dorothy =D =D *cant wait!* hahaha
thanks for being an impressive decision making, practical, not-encouraging-any-wallowing-in-moods-you-know-will-pass, and sticking-around-through-all-my-whining and staying up with meee,
my pseudo ideal/dream boyfriend, yuki xD < 3

...and i just opened my mail just now o__o
,gjtk;dgdnkljfkjd
awww!!! i know he doesn't read this--
but THANK YOU ARIEL!!

i just got a book in the mail from him < 3

omgsh, Family, i may just leave you
to come back early enough to say bye to this kid *_*

and thank you for pointing me back to God =]
both you and Gabe

and and and..
man where was i..

thank you for my sis too,
for taking me and my lil brother out all of yesterday =]
and just flopping on the bed with me
and talking ridiculous
and putting up with lame-- i mean AMAZING
car dancing, jokes, and dream dorm shopping

my aunt for being so open with me
my lil brother for-hahaha
even THINKING that he has even a VAGUE chance of winning
in our never ending back and forth of trying to scare each other by jumping out from behind doors and furniture

thank you hanyong for your amazingly guru-like advice
and the much deserved "you're dumb -_-"s and "slap slap"s

thank you sonia, for being someone whose opinion i super respect
and think highly of
and can be totally honest, and not to mention
ridiculous to =]

oh!
and thank you, justin
for pinky promising on it!

thank you priiyaaa for mourning over the empty side of our room
and michelle for advising me with hair growing advice
and other sure fire ways to be NEW and EXCITING!

thank you for unexpected IMs
for family "carga-carga"-ing with my lame jokes
and the puppies somehow thinking im NOT going to kill them
for walking all over me on my bed and trying to eat my feet or my face
every other morning when im supposed to be waking up
...those effers

Thank you, God
that in the end
i really am just whiney
over sensitive,
and easily hurt over some things
no matter how totally unphased i am by others
and that in the end
its still okay


...
and thanks for telling me about your day =]

an afterthought before nothing happens

"i have no idea how people do this."

the only instinctive i keep reverting to that would bring back feeling safe
is the very thing that everyone keeps reminding me not to do.

morning

mm..it's five in the morning
and i should feel
some sort of irresponsible, or lame, or regret
especially since i can look out the window
and see the same kinda beginning of a sunrise
that ive regretted being able to witness by myself
a few too many nights already @@
(sunrises can be depressing by yourself!)

but instead i feel..okay
humbled
reminded
encouraged
and blessed.

God put such amazing people in my life.

It's like realizing how much I've complained about being lonely,
when in truth, I was never really left alone at all.

i appreciate every convo that happened today.
girl shoes, fears, reminiscences, stresses,
frozen fruit, bad jokes, strawberry limeade,
finals, hats, the discovery channel,
growing up, fave songs, exercise and family
even just hearing about someone's day,
and getting the privilege to listen to it
cuz they wanna tell you

< 3

i'll probably some days still end up complaining.

but i know that the reminders will continue coming
and the comfort i'm seeking or looking for
are never more than a prayer away.

...thank you =]

thank You.