mm..so justin said today,
why aren't you here?
and i said,
haha good question!--why arent YOU here?
and he said
haha cuz gabe, cynthia, alex, nova, sonia, and ray are all here
majority rules
and i haha'd again
and said he had a point.
...so i've been thinking a lot recently--well not recently
but randomly its crossed my mind a few times while ive been here
also, my parents have asked about or mentioned it
and they almost have a point?
they've asked about my friends who visited me before here
and they came up in a random convo with matt wang too once
how ridiculous it was, that my first year goung to college
and being away from home
the first break back--
four guys, drive the five+ hours
from each others houses in so cal
from LA, California
to Queen Creek, Arizona
...
to visit -me-
and like
...really?
seriously?
that's kind of amazing
a huge testament of God
trying to show me that year
how much better a place, a home, of an environment of friends
He had meant for me, wanted for me
people willing to do things
i would never even THINK of asking them
and definitely not ever expect them to do
or to WANT to do
voluntarily
with no..really...
nothing
in return
alex, jeremy, takuma, and kevin
they were the first group of people i hung out with in the dorms
we did so much random stuff together--
it started with jeremy, alex, and i as the "dream team"
(EXTREME pictionary)
and then us just deciding that Takuma was AWESOME
and he WAS/IS
and Kevin was Alex's roommate
so he kinda also came with the package =P
they were such distinct personalities
still really are
but it was just...i dunno
unbelievable to me
and thats why i didnt try to stop them more than half heartedly
cuz i didnt want to actually expect them to go through with it
i never asked them either
i just half jokingly complained
about how they were all gonna drive to meet each other in so cal
and hang out..and id be stuck by myself
in arizona, with nothing to do
....
i emphasized that nothing
like--NOTHING
and made it clear to them even when they're like
alright, we'll visit YOU then
that..
if they did
we wouldn't do anything
that i had nothing entertaining for any of us to do
that i lived in the middle of nowhere
and we wouldnt have anything to do
and we'd just sit around
and do nothing
and itd be boring..and and..yeah
we wouldnt have anything to do
and jeremy's quick shrugging off reply was
"Well, thats what we do now in the dorms isn't it?
We still have fun. Plus. You'd be there."
i'm not sure how i responded to that
...probably not appropriately
if i responded at all
or if i was more speechless
and they came
and seriously...i wasn't kidding
there really wasn't anything to do
even on their way here they called me and were like
DUDE you really ARE in the middle of nowhere
and im like
YEAH D:
and...thats it
we just..hung out
they had dinner
we spent..the whole day..
indoors...with them just playing my lil brother's video games
aaaalll day
it was like a long weekend at home, or i dun even know
im not sure if we even got out of our pj's all day
i do remember that they ended up staying too late
so they decided they'd just spend an extra night sleeping over xD
its all kinda blurry now, what happened which night
but im pretty sure that at some point we bought snacks, rented, and watched a movie
that i fell asleep in xD;;
i think it was little miss sunshine, which i love NOW
my dad tried to offer em alcohol = =
only kevin said yes, even tho i glared i think enough at the rest of them not to
kevin's always been kinda unphased though = =
i think after dinner we all just talked
or after the movie
and i fell asleep, i think
right there in the loft with the rest of them
cuz we were up talking for so long
and jeremy and i were the last ones standing i think
before they left, they left me with christmas presents
that were kind of super amazing o_x
jeremy gave me a bunch of emo cd's he burned and labeled and drew pics on himself
and alex eventually gave me an inuyasha plushie
i forget..oh!
oh yeah, kevin gave me a purple flashdrive to make up for something
i forget
and effing takuma
was amazing as always
i miss our gift exchanging tradition
just cuz...well
he's amazing to give something to
and is one of the most thoughtful people i know
who just..somehow picked up on little things i said
i mentioned wanting to steal the paper lanterns at fuji's
and how all i wanted in the entiire world was..yeahh
and that my fave color was green
okay, the fave color i dont even know when i mentioned
and the paper lantern thing?
was probably mooonths before
but yeah..he got me two paper lanterns that he probably had to enter into a super girly store to
cuz one was a green sanrio one
and the other was a bright red asiany looking one with a giant chinese symbol on it xD
wow--i tangented like forever just now
um!
so..i did wonder
since my parents asked, and also wondered
if my friends were gonna visit me now
and its almost eee..cuz those four particular friends
i know im not super close to anymore like before
but theyre still like brothers =]
just too much dorm drama for our own good
hmm but i guess i realized, since then
other than marni, meh amazing high school friend
i hadn't had anyone else visit or offer to since then
--okay, well
alwin kept trying to make plans to xD
it was cool, cuz his reasoning was the same as jeremy's
cept he insisted there'd be something to do
and something ridiculous at that
--but yeah
it didnt really phase or occur to me before?
cuz its not like id expect em to
or ever expected anyone to
but i almost forgot that people did before
until just now
when priya out of nowhere..just..offered to
just...DECIDED to
and sincerely, for no reason or benefit to her, really
just..WANTED to
and made it, or is making it happen
honestly whether she ends up making it or not
(which i REALLY hope she does!!)
i'm just..moved
even by the gesture
that she's bought her ticket and is ready to go
=]
i forgot what it was like?
no..that's over dramatic
but it just..
makes me realize
ive been looking all over the place
OTHER than what was already in front of my face
i think i half-jokingly have asked,
or pleaded, or offered, like..a bazillion times
to try to get epic kids to come visit
i think i keep reaching out myself
being super surprised and grateful
when people reach back, or respond in some way
and there are so many amazing people
who have reached out to me too
but i keep forgetting
where..
i already am
and who
i'm already with
too
and this is nothing against epic or complaint at all btw o_o
eff, arizona's boring..
and i've never taken myself too super seriously either when i offer
on the off chance
and
just in case
the other person isn't taking me seriously either
plus i know people are sincere when they say they'd wanna visit if they could
and in the end its just nice to know when the people you miss miss you back =]
hmm
i guess the point of my realization
is more like..
i hope i don't make this mistake again
in the school year..
where i'll be too busy reaching out
that i forget to hold onto
the people i've already been blessed
to be in the same place
and define the same home with
as each other
and in that way
have defined each other as home
i hope
i dont stray
too far away
i hope i stop straying so far at all
i wont put my hopes, or happiness, or worth
in things that aren't permanent or of Him
in things that do not glorify Him
or display my love for Him
"what do i do with that?"
...if you don't know
then neither will i
is what i wanted to say
and have probably said
over and over
in my mind by now
maybe
you wont do anything at all
...
i think that was
probably the decision
and eventually
im going to have to--
im going to need to
if i havent already
just decide
what to do
with those feelings
myself
--haha
actually i think im wrong about that
cuz..God's gonna decide
all i've got to go off of is His response
when God answered me instead
i think i was talking to beth about something like this before
or something totally unrelated
but i asked her what do i do with blah blah something
yeah, it was totally unrelated
but basically, i said i didnt know what to do with myself
or that self
and she said
'i think God wants it =]'
what do i do with all this?
i give it to Him
i'll give these feelings
to Him
and trust
and know
and be comforted
that that is enough to make it okay
i can't
and dont
and shouldn't
expect anyone
to be able to take care of me
or love me
to the extent
that He can
and does
not family, not friends
that's not a fair expectation
for anyone to have to feel the pressure to meet
letting other people love you
can be just as hard as learning to love other people
God is, and will always be
the perfect love
as for people
people try,
and people fail
but isn't it funny
that the most beautiful
and tragic things
happen
when we try
that its 'too scary'
too much energy
or unpleasant to fail
...
doesn't change that fact, doesn't it?
or make it any more okay
to run away
God meant for our hearts to be open
He held our hands
so we wouldn't be
so afraid
...because to Love
as He has Loved us
and to Love Him
and Love others
...
is also
what we were
created
and blessed
to try
to do
right?
something will happen
but i think,
mostly
we have to be
willing to try
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