eternity in Your hands

AT THE CROSS YOU BECKON ME
YOU DRAW ME GENTLY TO MY KNEES AND I AM
LOST FOR WORDS SO LOST IN LOVE
I AM SWEETLY BROKEN WHOLLY SURRENDERED

im afraid
of the things
i havent
yet
faced

im afraid
of the things
i have
and know i will
have to

over
and over
...and over
again

-----

8/20

i think im always
one step
ahead of myself
but not even in action
but just in my head

one step ahead
...worrying

worrying about the next thing
that -could- go wrong

before i get through the first or second
im already on the fifth and sixth
seventh and eighth
way that i might be messing up

somehow
and inevitably

im one step ahead
in stressing
but not in reality,
not in action
or ways

just afraid
of the next time
i might be
left behind

all the ways
im worth
forgetting

already critiquing
the things that went wrong
or things i think
will go wrong
blaming myself thoroughly

and feeling
restrained
and helpless

how long have i been
relying on my own effort..?

relying on following the effort
of the people around me

i wonder if its in any way
some attempt to try to fit in

im worried about next year.

where and how ill spend my time
what matters
who matters

the last year.

afraid of wasting it already
afraid of not being good enough
afraid of failing

of hurting more
important people

doubting my ability
to hold onto those
who are important

im afraid
of the things i missed
will miss
have missed
miss now

and i miss
every day.

without even knowing it.
but at the same time
being fully
and completely
aware

but its just..easier
to pretend not to be, right?

..but why am i pretending to know more than i really do?
why do i claim turns of events, trials, failures, successes, or lack of it
as if they were actually
somehow in my own control?

---

..
i think i like being reminded
just how out of my control
things really are

its refreshing
to be reminded
just how -human-
those cynical thoughts, or outcomes
or doubts, and fears
really are

they come, and belong from elsewhere
but they are not truth
they're not
His truth

i cant keep
orchestrating my own images of life
especially since doing that on my own
so easily creates the absence
of the acknowledgment
of Christ's hand


wishes, goals, and plans
you're left
with nothing
but crumbling images
of a life relying on the self
that is nowhere near
as capable, knowing,
or sincerely loving

as Christ's presence
residing,
and waiting
to be expressed

in us
through us
...to us.

i'm really afraid
of messing that up

but i think more so, i should be afraid
of the sinful arrogance

of thinking
that my will
or mistakes
could ever
be bigger
than God's will
God's plan

His promise
His perfect love
and loving grace