my name in this crowd

please shout outloud

but i've forgotten
all the words

each moment is prepped
by asking the question
what would i say
who would i be
what words would i use
if i were
confident
right now

an effort
to be
convincing

to the me
who is
unconvinced
myself

my name
who am i
who i want
to be
buries
and absorbs
into who
i already
am

purposely,
i recite
lies
about
my unworth
invalid
unknown

maybe because
sometimes
confidence
itself

the responsibility
that comes
with confidence

has become
more nervewracking
than the unfortunately
bearable,
familiar,
safe,
sickeningly
confortable
shelter
of
insecurity

lack of
responsibility

freedom
to engage
in wrong
purposely
while pretending
almost
convincingly
that i know not
what
i do

i am my own
biggest
liar

i am my own
biggest
fool

i am my own
biggest
believer

but for too long
i have believed
in all
the wrong
things

i have believed
all of my
lies

of the things
i need to be
and should
become

of the things
ill never be
and can only
ingenuinely
pretend to be

...i dont think
i can pretend
sincerity

i can

but i dont think
this
heart
breaking
sincerity

self doubt
insecurity
internal
struggle
of disbelieving
in myself
and wanting to believe
in something greater
had i not been
so caught up
in building
my own
greatness

would a lack of sincerity

be so
difficult

against my nature

but what is that
who is that
what is my nature

i am endlessly
changing
growing
creating
a new
me

these brittle
clay
hands
fall
apart
crumbling
against
my own
clenched
fists

my parched soul
cracking

parched lips
dusty
fingertips

i want to hear
outloud
my name
in this
crowd

not the name
ive selfishly
greedily
foolishly
tried to make
and build up
for only
me

but the name

You've created

and loved

and died

for me

to be

"hannah"

i am broken
i am whole
i am
Yours