over my head

i am so...
MAD

at my body =/.

but probably not as
MAD
as it is

at me.

just...gaahhh..
ANGRY.

i've mentioned before..
how lately i've realized i've become..
less self-aware.
i don't know if it's because i've gotten so used to..
talking to other people
about how they're doing
that when someone like jeanine
asks me how i'm doing
and asks me to elaborate...
i sit there
dumbfounded
realizing that
i don't really know.

you see,
she's not one of those people i can just...ramble to
or pretend to be anything but myself to

she's one of those people
who are pointless to try to give
vague, or dismissive, or passive responses to
...because she'll see right through you, anyway
even before you realize if you're putting up a front yourself.

so your best bet is just
being as honest as possible.

or maybe its just her in particular.
or maybe it's me.
or maybe it's who she is
to me.

...i want her to know me.
i don't want to hide from her.
i want to be
known.
i want her to know
who i am
because of some
sincere
inclination
and genuine
trust
that she really does..
wanna know.

i am mad at my body
for being so weak.

it is mad at me,
that it would take something as far as
this physical manifestation
of tangible, visible, pain or unwellness
for me to finally realize
or be made aware
of my own state

of not doing very well myself.

i wanna say,
not doing very well..at all
but that's not true either.

i always feel blessed,
given a good balance of awesome people in my life
amazing opportunity to serve,
not too uber stressful life in general
and even when things cut it a lil close
or gets a bit overwhelming

it always turns out
okay
in the end.


but i guess what i don't give enough space to acknowledge..
is how NOT okay
i really am
during most of these endeavors.

usually,
on stressful waves of midterms and papers
i don't...slow down.
i just keep..going.

and its like yay, one or two papers down
and get up for work anyway the next day
and i pay for it
where a lot of fridays in the previous quarters
i wouldn't necessarily be sick
but i'd randomly be sneezing..
like..a lot
a lot a lot,
unable to stop.

it's like a side effect,
or i guess you could say,
a cry for attention,
from my body.
that's wondering why
now that i have time to rest
i'm not doing so.

or at least, it was expecting some time to rest
but i don't make room for that either.

so then it's like i've led it on
telling it, over and over
just a little further
just a little further
you're almost there.


...
and i get there.
and i don't stop.
i just keep going.

just with a different activity,
maybe not schoolwork
but still not necessarily rest.

and now,
and yes i know i'm probably being overdramatic,
but gah.

now i'm paying for it
with my body setting its foot down once again
more angry than usual
more angry than ever

and i've got the very obvious
physical representation/signal of
"GET SOME REST DANGIT!"
spelled right over the right side of my top lip
visible for me to see, every time i look in the mirror.

reminding me--
i am not well
yet.

and to be patient
until i am.

usually i just convince myself i'm fine
and move on to the next thing
instead its telling me to slow down.


i wonder if God is giving me warnings
against how even spending time with ray,
or few key people i'm really close to
still isn't really
the same kinda rest as what He means
or that my body sometimes craves

i am an introvert, after all, and a hermit.
and me-time, i guess, doesn't necessarily mean
+ other people.

sometimes days to myself are nice,
days with just God is even nicer.

That's something i need to invest in.

is it telling me to slow down in my eagerness
to shower affection and show love
or care even to the people i care deeply for in my life?
and to take the time for myself too?
take time with God?

i wish i was more self aware.
(i thought i was--
i usually am?)

i wish i was more straight forward with myself.


i wish it didn't have to get so bad.

i wish that God would
wrap my fears, my doubts, my anxieties, stresses,
my disappointments
in His loving arms
So tightly
that they will no longer be visible
for me to nitpick at

and instead all I'll see are his caring arms
wrapped around me,
accepting me fully

and He will be hiding nothing
I will be hiding nothing
because even if He were to loosen His grip for a second
and i was to see the me inside

i would see myself
whole

and i would be
unscratched, undamaged, healed,
like new.

i would be okay


and i would be
known.



and i, myself, would know
that i am
loved.

that He is
love.

He is my Love.
and He will never let me go.

...thank You for reminding me,
praying is better,
and much more effective
than wishing, alone. < 3