update

i want to blog
about adventures,
and new places
new people
cultures
and things

and in truth,
i can't say
that im not experiencing
all of the above

its just not in the glamorous context
that my pride or self-centered ideals
would willingly choose to prefer

im not in another country,
experiencing new things
adding things to my vocabulary
of exotic, enviable places
that ive visited

im not interacting with people
who are outrightly-poverty stricken
--well, that's just it
they kind of are
but not in the
hold your hand to your chest
and clutch your breaking heart
while biting your lip
holding back tears
kind of poverty stricken

...instead
its the kind of poverty-stricken
that we turn away from
pretend not to see on the streets
pretend not to overhear,
the yelling coming from our neighbors houses

the poverty stricken
the ones we dont make eye contact with
the ones who we've secretly internally decided
(but would never say outloud)
probably don't deserve to be looked in the eye
to begin with

the poverty stricken
...who stand next to us
in line at the grocery,
at the bus stop,
or even in the seat
next to us
in church

worshiping the same God
..or some, in some way
hoping or trying to

...huh.

i think i've been caught up in one way or other
in looking for, or seeking some sort of grandeur

and i guess i was kind of not expecting
paint chipped drug and alcohol rehab centers in the middle of nowhere,
tales of rat poop sprinkled old client files and a house of clicky, gossipy women,
and dimmed, mostly abandoned in-transition office buildings with noisy printers
to be the package that these grandeur lessons,
enlightenment moments, and cultural exposure
to come into my life in

i guess i was expecting
...something else

and now im anxiously stumped
for a moment or source of inspiration
to remind me what it was
i was inspired
to do
to begin with

just because
the inspiration itself
did not come in the package
i expected
or would have preferred
for it to come in

i think ive caught myself--
too caught up in myself again
in a lot of ways

a lot of anxious, non-trusting, impatient ways

i have a lot more thinking to do
and a lot less, at the same time

...im going to go to bed now.
goodnight