so is yours.

i need to believe that.

while i watch a grown man
cry--alone as he's ever felt
over his kitchen counter
turning to face the wall
as if that would hide
the way his shoulders shook
as the silence
amplified the sound
of his sobbing

while i watch a woman

lose herself

to grief

and bitterness

anger has

consumed

her world

she's forgotten

who she is

what she's done 

i've forgotten

who she is

while i watch a little boy

hiding in his grandparent's empty bedroom

lights off, door parted

the world crumbling down around him

over a homework assignment not completed

a grade not quite perfected

because somehow, inside him

he thinks if he'd only done it right

done it better

then things could get better

life would be easier

everyone would be happier

and he would have

helped

"i've never felt beautiful"

the words cut, a jagged saw against your nerves

and you cringe--as every part of your own self esteem cringes

at the all too familiar words

the words that you don't believe

should ever come so sincerely

from a twelve year old little girl

"it's not your fault

so please stop your crying now"

will being prettier, smarter--skinnier

really have prevented this?

but at this point

you want to believe

something would have

i take it back.

who am i to tell you to stop?

when the tears wont subside

and watching you swallow them

is like watching the colors
of make believe, dreams, and childhood
drain into greys of never after
and you take your turn
to hug me with your
monochrome hands
and tell me you love me
when i've done nothing to deserve it

i wanted to save you

i wanted to

have you ever watched a teenage boy...cry?
that awkward stage of
childhood and adulthood
boy and man
and in between
yearning, reaching, almost almost almost
but nowhere near grown up enough
as the responsibilities they place on your shoulders

your hands were shaking

your voice was far away

you walked through the house
like a ghost, like a ghost
wading through
a dreamlike state
of things you wish
you could wake up from

please don't cry

i have no right to ask you that


especially because now
you wont
no matter what i say

you've left to be
in that far away place
you've left
yourself
behind

and i can no longer reach
the new you
who only wishes
he could mean
the life
he lives
now

 until soon
he forgets
how to wish
at all

tell me again, Lord

that their lives are filled

with hope

because i need Your voice to tell me
what my voice breaks--straining
my throat chokes on these words

Lord, tell me again

that this life is full of hope.

because You're the only one
i could possibly hope to believe now

...will they?

 "my life is full of hope...

and so is yours."

i don't have it in me
to say those words alone.