distraction

i realized one internet-less mid december of last year
...well.
a lot of things.

it was quite the mess of words and tears
tantrum throwing, metaphorical feet stomping,
and ages and ages of holding my breath until i get my way
later

i come to some very important realizations

ill sum it up to save the mess--
and to keep some dignity
and maybe some friends
(though i hold nothing against
 those whose attention spans
i may lose in the course of this ramble)

i am addicted to distraction.

that's what i was really looking for

when i opened my laptop

to sign onto facebook or youtube

even when i open my phone

and scroll through instagram

or spent relentless amounts of time

fighting losing battles

in words with friends,

scramble with friends,

and yes,

hanging with friends
(all deceptive titles since its usually
 when im alone that im playing)

what im really looking for is a way out

as i scroll through statuses of people i dont really know

and insist that i am having fun

watching these youtube videos alone

(even with regular movies,

i have long been aware that

im more of a social  movie watcher

where i cant watch movies alone very well

cuz i love the company most of all)

so then what am i doing 

for hours at a time?

but hiding.

i am addicted to distraction--

it gives me a place to hide. 

but what am i hiding from?

God--

well, yes.

but also, 

myself.

and in doing so

i create

the full circle

of hiding also

from God

not because of any kind of synonymous nature 

(throwing that out there quickly before i am struck down

or placed with a hugging jacket in an ever so friendly pillow room)

but because as i avoid

myself

i am avoiding

learning more

about who God

has made me 

to be

and i do that

out of my 

lack 

of faith

in God's hands

in my identity

my outcomes

my life circumstances

and my joy

i withold

joy

from myself

and from God

by refusing

to spend

those quiet times

to learn more

about God

and more about

myself

by learning more about God

i learn more about my creator

i learn more about the one who made me

and all in all, who i really am

by learning more about myself

i am to learn more about who God made me to be

which leads me back to getting to know

the God who made me

by partaking

in completing this loop

of interaction

between me and God

between God and my self

maybe only after that distinction

appreciation, invaluable interaction,

can be achieved

can i really take attention

off of myself

and onto

God

that sounds contradictory

but i have a point, i promise

i am obsessed with distraction

and.

i am obsessed

with myself

what I can do

what I cant do

what I am capable of

and only that

who am i

but His

who am I

but Yours

i know at some point
these words may start to sound repetitive
but maybe its repetition
that i need
to remember
to hear

i believe in the Joy

God must have had

in creating

His people

His children

His creation

His love

and i believe

that we are to take part

in experiencing that joy

not just in others

definitely in others

but also

in ourselves

definitely ourselves

and even more definitely

most definitely

in God

and who He made us to be

not just in words

but in action

how that looks like in action?

i've yet still to fully grasp

but please--call me out

when i have forgotten in

all together

that there was joy

Joy

that the God

of the universe

was bursting

with excitement

and joy

when He created

me--

when He created

Us

im addicted to distraction

im addicted to myself

i have trouble grasping joy--

remembering joy

remembering

that there is joy

within me

maybe these are lessons

that i'll have to learn

over and over

but if its anything like

learning a dance

(disclaimer: i am not a dancer

dance central history has proven this)

hopefully,

the more i repeat

the more it can become

a muscle memory

like a martial artist

(disclaimer--although 

i  did convince a four year old lil black boy once that i was)

who will eventually learn to react

with those at first clumsy

but eventually fluid movements

in response to attacks

that come their way

i've obviously spent too long on this post already

so with this i will end

a little lighter,

breathing a little easier,

and a little closer
to You
and to me