"can i say something really selfish?"

"...can you be in my life more?"

..and that just
broke

my heart.

----

i think i could have
cried.
almost
did

..i wonder if a part of me did.

to the point where
i had to do
all i could

not

to

cuz part of me wondered
if i started

if id
be able

to stop?

not just really like..for her
well, also large part for her
but for all the times
and all the people
i keep saying
or promising
to spend time with

i keep saying
and promising

are important

in my life

but just
dont
show it.

i dont follow through
i dont..have the time?
make the time?

the energy
to love.
that.
much.


so much.

and i do..i really, really do


but what do i do
when mornings start at 8 or 9
and dont end till
10..at the earliest

12? 1?

what do i do
when they do end
or when they gap
but i dont have the energy
to do much more
than breathe

if i can

and have some of those breaths
be silent,
and to myself

be in prayer

instead of to
another person

be...blank


instead of
constantly
processing,
for more words
to make things
make sense
somehow
make myself
or others
make sense

what do you do
when days
dont

end?


i think maybe im just really tired
and i think maybe, i really am just sick right now
and that might be whats talking

but still, no matter how drained it feels
in between meetings, phone alarms, conversations, phonecalls, and tea

i know
that i could do nothing
if it really was
just all
on my own


"..i think it's amazing.
that you would just..have the energy, or take the time
to meet with so many people in a day
that you WANT to do it.
i think it's amazing."


..my journal's running out of room
and i hope the internet never dies, and takes my memories with it

cuz really, really
these are what ends up counting
or mattering at the end of the day

id hate when i start forgetting
where these words came from
or what they mean

..because they really, really..
mean a lot to me.

i know i should be studying

i also think my hands are
waayy too cold

and i just woke up from an hour long nap
but wish i could cuddle up under blankets
and do it again

i wonder if its weird that i prefer to
on other people's beds, or floors

maybe i need a comfier bed?

or maybe its cuz i dont really have a bed at home,
so i cant necessarily say i miss that either


i need
more energy

to follow through
with wanting
to love people


i need
more rest.
to not be sick anymore,
to uhh generate my own body heat,
to find a gigantamous sweater to just wear, and get swallowed up in
and be impenetrable to the cold, dern it.

end note, since my thoughts seem to be
uberly, uberly wandering...

i need to process that first line more later.

i'm amazed, more and more
every time
when i realize
just how much
it must have taken
or must take

for God
to LOVE
to the extent
of which
that He does

specifically,
individually,
intentionally,

perfectly.

the smaller i feel.
the bigger and bigger
God keeps revealing Himself to be