filling the gaps

...everything
or "everything's" that took up so much thought time before
feels kinda less interesting now for some reason
they seem so much further away
or less relevant or
..something

im listening to songs, or thinking of them
and thinking of how when i listened to them before
it was more like pretending to be in a place
or visualizing that place in my head
where as now
i feel like i've actually touched
or been in the picture of some of those places
that were only hypothetical images before


im saying all this though
and feel blessed to have had the ability to touch
and be in those places
with those people..

but..it doesn't necessarily..
it doesnt
at all
make me any better
than anyone else who hadn't
i guess is what im trying to say


if anything it just..

makes me
more and less afraid

i guess an example would be like
the difference of looking at those pictures
of those kinds in the donation forms or something
or commercials, or people holding out their hands

to actually seeing them in person
holding their little hands
and seeing them smile
and realizing
the weight in your own heart
and significance
and sincerity
of smiling back
when you realize they've started to reach out
for your hand
all on their own now

there's recognition there

you of them
and them of you

the second half

completes the circle

and fills in the blank
of the gaps that made you hesitate before
on if you were doing these things
because you thought they were morally
the 'good person' thing to do

to these things
these people, these children
actually -mattering- to you
and you wanting
and needing
to do something
wanting to do
anything you can

to see their smile again

and feeling the significance
of knowing that that smile is genuine

even with the awareness
of that weight in your heart
of knowing
from where
and what brokenness
that smile
is still able to show through


im catching myself asking myself questions like
..when you say orphan, does it really register itself for what it means?

and realizing how much for a long time i hadn't

..what would it feel to have

absolutely
no one

out there for you in the world?



im more

and less

afraid

more afraid
cuz its real,
and of my ability to handle that

or be of any significance
and fear in doubting my own ability
to keep the significance of that sincere


less afraid
realizing even more

that He's real

...He -has- to be

after seeing what was there
and the hope that keeps everything there
alive, and significant
hopeful, joyful, peaceful
without feigning ignorance to the brokenness

hardship, pain, unfairness, and suffering
went on
and existed
and exists

but hope somehow exists right alongside it

..that has to mean something

i know it does.