water

i've never been so thirsty

or that i actually -am- thirsty
is surprising enough

i've always been dehydrated =x
priya can tell you that, since even just a lil bit of water
would end up making me super too full to finish my food every time

i think india was actually ironically the most hydrated i've been
or out of fear of dehydration had to be
in my life
D:


and now im sitting here
and i just got back from buying a gallon of water from safeway
and contemplating if i should get another one
even tho ill only be here in davis for like another day and a half

i've also never been so simultaneously afraid of
and in need of/wanting company at the same time


i should be excited to talk about india
and i am

but theres SO much
that i dont know what to do/where to start

and im a little scared over talking too much
or rambling about the useless things, or not as significant things
or too much about the big meaningful ones
at the same time am afraid of sounding like im preaching
or know something or am anything different than anyone else
or anybody else knows, or like i dunno
i dun wanna sound like im necessarily any better of a person
or enlightened or like i dunno

i mean of course i wish i was
and ive definitely learned a lot..or am learning


nabi's dad was right though, for one thing

...maybe this has changed my life
im afraid if it did
i wish that it would
i wish that it could

"this trip changed my life"

..

i wish i could say it more confidently

..i want to look for something meaningful

or keep looking?
instead of trying to idolize little things in their place

dont get me wrong
i am still
absolutely in love with the little things <3
but little things like..little joys
and little things..like little things
are more different than i thought

for such a short period of time--
i didn't realize there would be so much adjusting that had to be made after coming back

in india, it felt like every hour of every day was taken up
or had to be taken up
to be as productive as possible
with the short amount of time we had there to work

for some reason though im tired
its harder to sit still
went to church, lunch with teammates,
i finished my unpacking
then repacked a lil bit
then sat on the couch for like ten seconds
then got up to take a walk
went to safeway for water
went back
and decided to update/process again

basically im just feeling more of a need to be getting up and walking around
but also looking for meaningful conversation

i keep wishing nabi was on
and am excited to get to talk to yuki too

im surprised that it turns out my stomach
actually needs to adjust for the food -here-
o_o

i thought since its what i usually eat, itd be fine
but its still like...uber different i guess

that along with wanting more water
and not being able to handle as big of meals

i mean--even the airplane food was an adjustment D:

what am i putting my poor tummy through ;-;


hmm
i was up till 4:30 last night cuz i had to take my malaria medicine
but i re-read the label so tonight i think ill just drink milk with it instead of eat food
so i feel less uneasy over just going to bed and setting an alarm
plus i dont have to wake up for anything tomorrow so itll be fine sleeping in

my aunt is so understanding over needing rest before seeing her kids @@
and i think i need some one on one time with God
AND myself before willing myself to see large crowds of people

im getting more comfortable with my own decisions

and less comfortable in anything even vaguely my size in clothes
since i've gotten used to it being SUPER okay, and required to wear nothing but
huge, loose fitting clothes that conceal everythingg
if it wasnt for bed time
id probably forget what my shins looked like

and in anything not as big as my huge potato sack indian dress/tops
i feel smaller in comparison

but of course thats just what i see
...
but also of course, that should be what matters
right? =]

hmm
still sleepy
i wonder if i should nap

i didnt used to really care much or feel myself as very affected by jetlag
and thought 2 weeks wouldnt make too much of an effect
...12 and a half hour time difference though
who does that??

i think ill take a nap
yuki just signed on though
and i hope i dont wake up too late if i do
so i have energy to hang out with people tonight

is there anything else that needs to be done..?

i dont want to get tired/overwhelmed with talking to people
but at the same time im sure i miss them a lot
ive been pretty introverted/quiet/processy for a while now
even during the trip i reserved a lot of my energy
so i could be super uber more happy i think arond the kids

..i really miss them
and

im still thirsty