past hurts

Lord,
You're worth more than that.

Lord God, You're worth
More
than any of this.

I want to come back to You.
Only then can I see what there is that needs fixing..
Only then can I realize that it's something,
that isn't in my ability
to fix

I'm more broken than I've acknowledged
More broken than I'd prefer to acknowledge
But not as unaware as I've tried to be
I've tried to ignore
so
many
things

Thinking that if I left them behind
Then it would mean I was a better person
and I was done with them, unaffected
or healed

All I've done is learn how to walk
as if I hadn't fallen before

All I've done is learned to look people in the eye
and cling to the security of thinking
that if i hold and keep their eye contact
then their eyes wont stray
to how broken everything else underneath

All I've done is shake my head
As if I wasn't part of picture of what went wrong
as if i had really, completely, left it behind
unaffected

All I've done is comfort, or advise
As if I didn't..need any comforting myself
and saying the words i need to hear myself
before giving someone else a chance
cuz i dont trust them to say the right ones

All I've done is averted my gaze
as if I was above, or didn't notice
that somewhere along
this 'successful' path
there was blood
that marked its remnants on the trail
from wounds
I forgot i had,
or thought was over
or got tired of
treating
and re-treating

i thought it was
just me
i was ignoring

But, Lord, I look down in terror
Heartbreaking fear
At the sight of blood
On my hands
that i realize
isn't
and hasn't been
my own

and instead what i had chosen to ignore
or not notice..
was not my blood
but Yours

i had chosen to ignore
and kept from looking down
to notice..
How healed
i've been left to be
Or should already have been

When I see the places
Where the wounds used to be
when i see the flesh
now closed, and clean

i had tried so hard
not to look down
for fear of facing these wounds
or admitting to have them

but Lord..

The blood
In my hands

are from the hands
that held mine

Your hands

And I look up

to see those wounds
that were once on my body
and every wound
i've ever inflicted on others, or myself
Placed instead
All over Yours


And I am upright
I am clean

maybe that's something
..i've always been afraid to be

And the blood and wounds
I thought I was ignoring
and were mine alone
...Were no longer my own
But Yours

When you took my shame
my burdens
my fears
and hurts

And told me
it was okay
..that I
was okay.

You took these wounds,
I've been so afraid to look at
or treat

You bore yourself

And instead all this time
Not only had I not been suffering alone
But you've actually..
Suffered..
More than I have

from these wounds
that i've left untreated

..that I've let these wounds go
untreated..for so long..
and refused to go back to them
..refused to come back for them

..refused to come back for a me
that i insisted on
leaving behind

a me that
all this time
You still
held in Your arms

waiting patiently for the day
when I can come to face..me..too
and not reject
But instead embrace her
as you have

and finally begin
or continue to

once again heal
the wounds
that weighed down my already healed body
and that weigh
so heavily
and painfully, gashed, and bleeding
from Yours

..and You smile at me -still-
And tell me

it's okay

and You place Your hand
Over mine
and You..
Hold my hand
and without letting go
invite me to join you
to begin..or continue
in treating these wounds
i've ignored for so long
by facing them
and go back to treating them
together

im no longer on my own
i never
really had to be

if i'd only let myself take a look
and instead of being afraid
of looking at something unfixably broken

i coulda realized sooner that i'd be looking down
and acknowledged
and given a chance to
the new creation
He'd always hoped for me to grow to be

and i coulda saved myself
a whole lot of bitterness
or defensiveness

and joined Him sooner
in tending to the wounds
i'd ignored for so long

i need to acknowledge how much these hurts
have shaped and molded
the character of who i am now

if i ever hope to not be hindered
by secret, or hidden fears
that i've been so foolishly thinking
could be hidden
even from Him

there's still so much growing to do